Husband wants to find bio dad. Bio dad doesn’t know he has a son.

[Anonymous]

My DH has never met and knows nothing about his father, and his father doesn’t even know he exists. He’s the result of a one night stand with a stranger at a college seminar many states away.

My husband and his mother have been fighting, and as a sort of bait to reel him back in, my MIL suddenly produced a piece of paper from the seminar that lists, among other things, this man’s name and date of birth, and short biography. She “suddenly found it” hidden in a box, 40 years and 5 moves later. She has known she’s had it since she attended that seminar.

Now my husband is determined to find this man and contact him. I think it’s a horrible idea and can’t understand what he thinks he will gain by blindsiding a man who has no idea he exists, and telling him he has a 40yo son. He says he doesn’t care if he’s rejected. I say, then what’s the point? He says, it’s his right to at least hear his voice and speak with him. He’s very, very confused. I don’t know how to properly guide him, because I think he’s making a big mistake. Does anyone who’s been here before have any advice?

[Anonymous]

It is his right to do this if he really wants. However, ask him what his goal is. Does he think he will learn something more about himself by doing this? He won't. Is he trying to make his mother angry?

Urge him to sit down, clear his head, and figure out what he hopes to gain from this. He says he doesn't care if he's rejected, but if it happens, he will care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has never met and knows nothing about his father, and his father doesn’t even know he exists. He’s the result of a one night stand with a stranger at a college seminar many states away.

My husband and his mother have been fighting, and as a sort of bait to reel him back in, my MIL suddenly produced a piece of paper from the seminar that lists, among other things, this man’s name and date of birth, and short biography. She “suddenly found it” hidden in a box, 40 years and 5 moves later. She has known she’s had it since she attended that seminar.

Now my husband is determined to find this man and contact him. I think it’s a horrible idea and can’t understand what he thinks he will gain by blindsiding a man who has no idea he exists, and telling him he has a 40yo son. He says he doesn’t care if he’s rejected. I say, then what’s the point? He says, it’s his right to at least hear his voice and speak with him. He’s very, very confused. I don’t know how to properly guide him, because I think he’s making a big mistake. Does anyone who’s been here before have any advice?

I don't think you are giving him great advice. As long as he knows it may not end well, it is his right to search.

I have a friend with a crazy mom who claimed she was raped by a stranger, then finally told my friend who her father was (there was no rape). The father did not know of my friend's existence. My friend found him, went to a conference where he was speaking, introduced herself (but did not say she thought he was her father). She thought that would be enough but wasn't satisfied. Later, she contacted and told him the story. They got a blood test. He and his family have embraced her. This is a wild story and likely not representative, but you never know.

My kids are adopted and I would be supportive of a search for their bio parents, although of course I would warn them they might not like what they find out and may not be greeted with open arms. Or maybe they will. Who knows.

I'd suggest a couple of meetings with a therapist for your DH, rather than just telling him it's a bad idea. You just don't know. Some people need answers.

[Anonymous]

Why are you telling him no? He sounds like he's going about this in a healthy way. His dad might be interested in more of a friendship type way than a fatherly role. I don't think he's making a mistake at all. It would be more of a mistake to never try to find this person and have that be a big regret in your life.

[Anonymous]

Just... tread carefully. Be ready for rejection and anger. He needs to be mindful of the fact that he will be causing upheaval in someone else's life.

Also, the man could be dead. Can you do some Googling and see what you find?

It isn't really your place to tell him not to.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he's going through a rough time with his mother and somehow thinks finding his dad would provide some sort of answer. As irrational as that idea is, it's still his right to find his bio father. You can try all the arguments you want, but ultimately you have no say in this matter. Butt out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is his right to do this if he really wants. However, ask him what his goal is. Does he think he will learn something more about himself by doing this? He won't. Is he trying to make his mother angry?

Urge him to sit down, clear his head, and figure out what he hopes to gain from this. He says he doesn't care if he's rejected, but if it happens, he will care.

He says he really doesn’t know! I’ve tried everything to convince him he doesn’t need this complete stranger for validation. He’s not budging:

He just doesn’t see that you can’t just call a man out of the blue and drop this bomb and expect to gain anything.

[Anonymous]

Frankly, I think your only place here is to be supportive. There's no going back either way - if he doesn't contact his bio father, he will always wonder and regret not doing so. The last thing you need is for him to blame you for such a decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he's going through a rough time with his mother and somehow thinks finding his dad would provide some sort of answer. As irrational as that idea is, it's still his right to find his bio father. You can try all the arguments you want, but ultimately you have no say in this matter. Butt out.

I just don’t want to see him unnecessarily hurt. And for what? He’s a wonderful man despite never knowing his father.

I KNOW it isn’t my choice, but I’m seeing more clearly, and I don’t want him hurt.

[Anonymous]

I can see the harm but I understand the why. If he wants to, let him.

[Anonymous]

It's a process, unfortunately. Be supportive of his decision, and be prepared for the aftermath. Hopefully, your DH will be ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Frankly, I think your only place here is to be supportive. There's no going back either way - if he doesn't contact his bio father, he will always wonder and regret not doing so. The last thing you need is for him to blame you for such a decision.

This is very true and an something I hadn’t thought of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he's going through a rough time with his mother and somehow thinks finding his dad would provide some sort of answer. As irrational as that idea is, it's still his right to find his bio father. You can try all the arguments you want, but ultimately you have no say in this matter. Butt out.

I just don’t want to see him unnecessarily hurt. And for what? He’s a wonderful man despite never knowing his father.

I KNOW it isn’t my choice, but I’m seeing more clearly, and I don’t want him hurt.

Trust that if he's hurt, he will survive.

[Anonymous]

I guess his faterh is in his 60's or 70's at this point. I'd say he's _more_ likely to want to meet his son than if he were 30. People get reminiscent and also he has much less of a life to be disrupted at that age. If he has other kids, they are likely grown and out of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just... tread carefully. Be ready for rejection and anger. He needs to be mindful of the fact that he will be causing upheaval in someone else's life.

Also, the man could be dead. Can you do some Googling and see what you find?

It isn't really your place to tell him not to.

Agree with this. To the extent your husband is planning to do this you should encourage him to reach out to him in an non-intrusive manner (letter, e-mail, etc.) so the man has some time to process what is likely a massive piece of new information. IMHO the odds of him being pushed away are higher if he shows up on the man's doorstep one day.