Husband wants to find bio dad. Bio dad doesn’t know he has a son.
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Anonymous
| OP I think you are overstepping. If he wants to find his father and understands that it could end poorly then that’s his choice. You can’t possibly understand what he is going through. Also if it were me I would want to know if there is any relevant health information. Like what if his dad has had a bunch of heart attacks or a certain kind of cancer or has early Alzheimer’s? |
Anonymous
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I've been there, but from a slightly different perspective: I found out as an adult that I had a full sibling who was placed for adoption when our parents were in high school. After a few years of going back and forth, I looked for him, and I found him. We have a good relationship - but our parents do not. He met and was in touch with our mother for a few years, but they are no longer in touch. Our father never agreed to meet with him. On the other hand, my brother's brother (also adopted) found his birth family and they have a warm relationship - parents and siblings. The problem is there's no way to know which scenario you're going to wind up with, so your husband has to be willing to take a pretty huge leap.
If your husband truly wants to reach out, he needs to be prepared for both the best case scenario and the worst. I think talking to a therapist would be a great idea if you can convince him, because whatever the outcome it will be extremely helpful to have someone to speak to after he makes contact. Good luck to him. |
Anonymous
But if he’s rejected he won’t find this out anyway, and he’s still left with the pain of the rejection. |
Anonymous
Or he's left with the pain of not knowing and always wondering what could have been... either way, no way to avoid pain. |
Anonymous
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I've contacted my birth mothers side of the family. A bit different as she obviously knew she had a child. It has had some ups and downs, but I am very thankful I made the connection.
I don't know who my birth father is. I suspect he does not know I exist. I know he is married and never had any other children. There is an ex in the family who says he will tell me who my father is and arrange contact anytime I wish. I'm in my 40's and still hesitate to do this, but my husband is fully supportive of this happening, or not happening on my timeline. Please do not tell him to do or not do this. It is a very personal thing to sort out. |
Anonymous
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Let him do it. My friend's 30+ year old son just found him. Their whole family has taken him in. It's been a wonderful surprise.
This isn't your fight to fight OP. Who knows if the guy is even still alive. |
Anonymous
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I don't understand why you, OP, feel so compelled and entitled to control what your DH learns about his father, and what relationship he develops and what emotions he goes through in that quest.
Your post, and follow-ups are deeply troubling to me, and I sincerely believe you should speak to a therapist about this issue. What your DH wants to do is absolutely reasonable. His father did not chose to walk away from him, he doesn't know DH exist. DH is not doing this because of a strained situation with his mom, the information became available to him because of a strained situation with his mom. |
Anonymous
OP, while you are trying to do what you think is best for him, you don't have the right perspective. You have an outsider's perspective of what is best for him. As the person involved, he is the one that would have to live the rest of his life with regret if he doesn't not do this. Especially if his father is still alive and passes in the next few years (from the description, his father is already in his 70's), then he will be full of woulda, coulda, shoulda and regrets. Even if he meets his father and his father rejects him, then he has closure. Right now, he has this open wound of never having met or known his father. He has been given the opportunity of at least meeting his father. And even if he meets him only once, hears his voice and shakes his hand, that can still provide some closure to a person. There is a missing piece of his past and he just wants to find it, put it in its place. For many people in similar situations to your husband, just that little bit is enough to provide some closure so that he can move forward with his life without having the regret of missing the chance to meet his father before his death. 3 of my four grandparents were executed by the Communist Party in China during the Communist revolution. My maternal grandmother survived. In 1979 when Communist China reopened their borders, we were one of the first families to travel to the country. My mother saw her mother in 1979 almost 30 years to the day from when she fled the country. Her mother was old and paralyzed from the neck down. She could speak very slurred (my Mandarin is decent, but not great and I could not understand much of anything she said). My grandmother had 9 children and 15 grandchildren. 9 of the grandchildren were to children who fled China before the Communist revolution. She only knew 6 of her grandchildren well. Of the 9 (6 raised in Taiwan and 3 of us raised in the US), I was the only grandchild to have met her at all. She passed away 5 months after our visit. I grew up with no grandparents. Even though I only met her for 2 weeks, couldn't really understand anything she said, I still have to say that I felt a sense of closure having met her before she passed. I've always had a slight jealousy of people who have known their grandparents, even ones with dysfunctional relationships. It's not something that bothers me every day, but I sometimes have a feeling of having missed out on something. I don't know whether it would have been a good or bad relationship, but it still feels like something was missing. Even having only met her briefly and not having any type of relationship with her, it's still closure, having known. I think you need to let your husband pursue this himself. While you may be right, he is the one who has to live with the feeling off knowing that he could have but didn't try to meet his father once he had some information on how to find him. He is the one that will have the regrets if he doesn't pursue this. And he is the one that has to live with the feeling of knowing that he didn't try to find his father. If he meets his father, and has a bad meeting, even rejection, then at least he can close that part of him off knowing he tried and it didn't work out. But not having tried is something he will never be able to shake, if that matters to him. And only he can know if and how much it will matter to him. Neither of my siblings feels much loss from not having known any of our grandparents, but I know that I feel better having met my one grandmother for that short time. |
Anonymous
Give more credit to your husband. |
Anonymous
Agred. Life isn't pain-free. He can handle it. |
Anonymous
You don’t know my husband. |
Anonymous
Why did your father never want to meet his son? Guilt? |
Anonymous
We do know one thing about him. He has demonstrated poor judgement by marrying OP. |
Anonymous
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OP, this is your DH's decision. Support him, whatever he decides.
Frankly, having the family medical history would be worth the possible hassle and disappointment of finding a biological parent. The first thing you should do is research this man online. All this angst could be for naught if the man is deceased. DH could also do a test through 23 & Me or Ancestry. Perhaps he would match with some of the Man's family, even extended family, so he could have some level of proof before approaching the man. Or perhaps the family would even see him if he allows his results to be matched to others online. It's far-fetched, but something similar happened to a person I know. Personally, I don't see the harm in DH seeking his bio father if it is important to him. What everyone needs to remember is that his mom could be lying or mistaken about his paternity. That's why having a DNA test would be ideal before starting the process otherwise. |
Anonymous
Why? Because I know he is easily hurt and then marinates in it for weeks and his mood affects our whole family, and I don’t want to see him hurt by this? I really don’t know what the best thing to do is, that’s why I’m here. I thought the best thing was to help him avoid unnecessary hurt, but now I see that’s not what’s right. |