No grandchildren

[Anonymous]

Op here again. Thank you for all of the kind words. I just think that this is something that is not talked about much. I completely agree that no one should have children if they don't want them but if you are of a certain age, you just assumed that if you had children, you would become a grandparent eventually. Now that it is more socially acceptable not to have kids (as it should be), you can no longer assume that if you have children, you will be a grandparent someday. It is most definitely a loss but something I can deal with (and won't guilt my kids over). I do have a full life but am of the opinion that nothing can take the place of grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

I am not going to be a grandmother. It doesn't bother me one iota.

[Anonymous]

Don't give up on your son

I went from swearing I'd never get married to actually being married and expecting pretty quickly

[Anonymous]

Hi, OP, I am sorry.
You sound so nice.
We have older friends who poured a ton of love into our babies. They had come to accept that their daughter would never have children and, like you, were accepting but sad. And they were AWESOME adopted grandparents and so sweet and lovely with the kids. And then, one day, out of the blue, their daughter got a divorce. A couple years later she remarried and had a baby! Their entire family is so thrilled and happy, but a few years ago you never EVER would have known it. I can tell they still can’t quite believe it. So... continue to accept, but life does throw out some huge surprises. And while your life swirls on, please do try to make room in your schedule for younger kids. We all need you! Society really needs an involved and caring mature generation.

But also - old age can be surrounded by love, even without kids. We were close to an older lady and while she was estranged from her three children, she had dozens and dozens of devoted friends who loved her and came to help her in her final years. She was an exceptional person, but she was also testimony to the profound strength of non-familial love and friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here again. Thank you for all of the kind words. I just think that this is something that is not talked about much. I completely agree that no one should have children if they don't want them but if you are of a certain age, you just assumed that if you had children, you would become a grandparent eventually. Now that it is more socially acceptable not to have kids (as it should be), you can no longer assume that if you have children, you will be a grandparent someday. It is most definitely a loss but something I can deal with (and won't guilt my kids over). I do have a full life but am of the opinion that nothing can take the place of grandchildren.

Yes, I got to that place, but I am still wistful. Facebook photos be damned, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have multiple friends and a sister who are in your position. Their adult children have rejected the idea of becoming parents and seem to be perpetual children themselves, constantly moving, changing jobs and asking for financial help from their parents. I think this partially comes from the disrespect for the roles of traditional mothers, who are constantly dissed on this site and others. Being a SAHM puts women on the defensive yet working moms are often stretched beyond their limits.

I agree with this, actually.

[Anonymous]

OP, curious, as we are in your shoes. How do you envision the next stage now? Will you live near both or one of your kids, have you delayed retirement, will you travel a lot now, will you decide to live in an over 55 development? Do you have that "active adult ) lifestyle filled with tennis, golf, yoga, boating...[you know what I mean]?
We decided no on over-55 developments, no to the developments all near the beach in Delaware ( great tax break, lovely- but it looks like a life-trap to me now), we will travel-but not excesively, we are active in groups- political, etc.We may move within 6 or 7 years and will likely choose to be near one kid as we are now ( they live in different places). We are also helping my elderly parents, so that's a priority now. I am working part time and husband is also after a long career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, curious, as we are in your shoes. How do you envision the next stage now? Will you live near both or one of your kids, have you delayed retirement, will you travel a lot now, will you decide to live in an over 55 development? Do you have that "active adult ) lifestyle filled with tennis, golf, yoga, boating...[you know what I mean]?
We decided no on over-55 developments, no to the developments all near the beach in Delaware ( great tax break, lovely- but it looks like a life-trap to me now), we will travel-but not excesively, we are active in groups- political, etc.We may move within 6 or 7 years and will likely choose to be near one kid as we are now ( they live in different places). We are also helping my elderly parents, so that's a priority now. I am working part time and husband is also after a long career.

Both my kids live within 15 minutes, my son actually works in my husband's construction business. And begin the eye roll, by husband and I are very active, lots of hiking, cross country skiing, kayaking, biking and yes, I do yoga and barre classes and work out in the mornings to DVDs. Nothing to excess, we just want to get some fresh air and exercise. There will be no races, marathons, centuries etc. for me. The over-55 developments don't appeal to me, we will stay in our current house as long as we can. I hate planes but still like to travel so we go mostly by car (Cape Cod/Wellfleet every summer) but do hope to go to Europe sometime. Most of my extended family lives 4 hours away and my husband's family lives 1 to 2 hours away so we do have lots of family activities. I am lucky that my sister, a nurse, lives in a mother/daughter house with my mother (father passed away in 2009) so my mother is well cared for. I do help when I can, I am staying with my mother for 4 days while my sister and her husband goes on vacation. My husband's mother lives close and is only 75 and in very good health. His father passed away a few years ago.

I will probably delay retirement since I enjoy my job. If my health holds, I'm thinking I'll work until I'm 70. As you can see, I have a full life and a large extended family. I will be fine if grandchildren never come but I would be ecstatic if they do.

[Anonymous]

I'm 57 like OP, but my DD is 21 and I have the opposite problem, praying I'm not a grandmother for a while so she gets through college and gets started on a career. She's had several long-term boyfriends and I only can hope is responsibly using bc.

That said, I love kids and so does she, so I hope that she has one or two some day.

There are a lot of volunteer programs where you can form relationships with kids, especially ones at risk. I'm doing a mentoring program now and have watched the girl I work with turn 9, 10 and almost 11, so it's almost like a grandparent relationship.

And you are so lucky to live so close to your kids, even sans grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

OP, yes, you do have to accept that you may never have grandchildren, but keep working on that. I know it's not easy.

In the meantime, if both of your grown kids live close by, you are HUGELY lucky. Many of us have kids who've had to move away for jobs etc. and we don't get to see them much. We should always count our blessings.

[Anonymous]

I’m 57 with a 15 yr old DDsi can’t really relate although I do admit that my mother despaired that I would never have a child. When I finally did—at 42 y.o.—I know it made her very happy. These days it’s so common to have a child later in life, although it may be with someone else’s eggs. So there is still time for your kids.

Have you ever thought of fostering children in the foster system? I’ve had several acquaintances who have done it and lined it. If you don’t want a long-term commitment, you can do short-term fostering—I hear there is a great need for it. One of my acquaintances is fostering a baby and enjoying the process.

[Anonymous]

I love kids, too. I was always interested in hearing about co-worker's children etc. When kids came to the office, I would offer to take them to lunch etc. This was before I had kids. I would buy my secretary's kids little gifts at Christmas etc. I developed a special relationship with a couple of kids over the years... Single moms were often particularly grateful to get a break once in awhile and have other adults in their kids' lives who cared about them.

My kids are teens and I "borrow" neighbors' kids. I also do one-on-one time at least twice a year with each of my nieces.

I have been the fill-in for mother's day teas in kindergarten, chaperone for field trips etc. It brings me joy.

I don't think it's quite the same as being a grandparent... but I enjoy these kid times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I will look into volunteering once I retire. Right now with my career and a 1 1/2 hour commute, it would be a little tough and I don't want to sign up for something and not be reliable. Thank you for understanding and I think I just wanted to vent a bit. I certainly don't want to vent to my children although I have complained to my husband about it. He is sad about it as well.

As a woman who does not want children, I want to commend you for not complaining to your kids about it. I'm fortunate that my parents are accepting of my decision, although I know they're sad about it. I wish I wanted kids because I know they'd be amazing grandparents, but kids just aren't for me. I have other childfree friends whose parents are constantly laying guilt trips on them and talking about wanting grandkids and it really outs a strain a on their relationship. I'm sorry that you won't be a grandma like you had hoped. I can imagine it's really disappointing.

[Anonymous]

I can certainly understand why you'd feel this way. But you can turn that into a positive and consider being a volunteer at a Boys & Girls Club. There are many kids who would love to be able to talk to their "grandmother." You could be their grandmother at heart. Really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, curious, as we are in your shoes. How do you envision the next stage now? Will you live near both or one of your kids, have you delayed retirement, will you travel a lot now, will you decide to live in an over 55 development? Do you have that "active adult ) lifestyle filled with tennis, golf, yoga, boating...[you know what I mean]?
We decided no on over-55 developments, no to the developments all near the beach in Delaware ( great tax break, lovely- but it looks like a life-trap to me now), we will travel-but not excesively, we are active in groups- political, etc.We may move within 6 or 7 years and will likely choose to be near one kid as we are now ( they live in different places). We are also helping my elderly parents, so that's a priority now. I am working part time and husband is also after a long career.

Both my kids live within 15 minutes, my son actually works in my husband's construction business. And begin the eye roll, by husband and I are very active, lots of hiking, cross country skiing, kayaking, biking and yes, I do yoga and barre classes and work out in the mornings to DVDs. Nothing to excess, we just want to get some fresh air and exercise. There will be no races, marathons, centuries etc. for me. The over-55 developments don't appeal to me, we will stay in our current house as long as we can. I hate planes but still like to travel so we go mostly by car (Cape Cod/Wellfleet every summer) but do hope to go to Europe sometime. Most of my extended family lives 4 hours away and my husband's family lives 1 to 2 hours away so we do have lots of family activities. I am lucky that my sister, a nurse, lives in a mother/daughter house with my mother (father passed away in 2009) so my mother is well cared for. I do help when I can, I am staying with my mother for 4 days while my sister and her husband goes on vacation. My husband's mother lives close and is only 75 and in very good health. His father passed away a few years ago.

I will probably delay retirement since I enjoy my job. If my health holds, I'm thinking I'll work until I'm 70. As you can see, I have a full life and a large extended family. I will be fine if grandchildren never come but I would be ecstatic if they do.

Oh wow, you are an active adult! Our athletic activity is reading, mostly intercepted by a some hiking, and then reading about the hike we just had. The situation with your Mom and sister is excellent and you are lucky your kids are close by. Yes, things will be fine, but I am glad that you started this thread because, well, it is a thing. Best of everything, OP.