Relocation and Custody

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should offer since you are the one moving to fly her back to dad 6 times a year. She should go back for spring break, winter break, the summer and a few weekends so that there is never more than 6-8 weeks without seeing dad and her siblings in his home.

Moving your child far away at that age makes maintaining a relationship difficult. Often since all the teen's activities and friends are where they are living, every trip to the other parent means that have to miss events, leave their friends, miss extra curricular and that can make ten resentful of te away parent who wants to see them. It also means the away parent can't be involved in the day to day that helps keep communication open during teen years. Talks in the car on te way to or from something, being there at tournaments or other events, knowing their friends.

Overall it is just a bad situation for the teen and parent left behind.

You have this backwards.

MOM is moving for stepdad's assignment.

Daughter stays with DAD for the school year and flies to see mom over breaks, not the other way around.

The military person is stepdad. The kid was not born into the military lifestyle. It is unfair to thrust her into this during her teen years especially for a step parent.

I am a military spouse and I think OPs daughter should not PCS along with OP. It is just too disruptive to do this to a teenager (unless it is someplace fabulous like Italy or Japan).

Not OP. But poster said she had children (teenagers siblings) involved who have to move in order to have ongoing contact with their actual father. If mother doesn't move, she deprives those children of their right to be with their father. If they go with dad, they are deprived of their right to be with their mother. How is that fair for them?

Essentially, there are three choices in this scenario. One, stay in this location forever with absolutely no recognition of the fact that life changes and we all have to adapt. Not super reasonable. Also, this choice may cost money since BAH declines and potential child care benefits are lost depending on how that has been structured. Two, move and leave teenager here. What if she wants to go? Have you seen a teenager who has been forced to accept a reality they don't want? It doesn't go well. Three, move and daughter goes with as she wants to do and everyone makes the best of what seems to be a no win situation.

- signed divorced and remarried military mom.

I don't think you are correct.

OP is divorced from main daughter's dad.

Daughter's dad is remarried with kids and will stay in DC with stepmom and their kids. (Step siblings to daughter)

OP is married to a military guy who is PCSing. OP and stepdad have kids (step siblings to daughter). OP and new kids will PCS with military husband.

Both OP and dad are involved in daughter's life here in DC.

OP wants daughter to move when they PCS to a new base 1000 miles away (so some place like Kansas).

OPs ex husband wants daughter to stay with him here in DC (assuming school year in DC where she already attends, vacations with mom at new base).

Mother is not planning on staying in DC. She and her new kids are moving.

OP wants daughter to move too. Daughter's dad wants her to stay put.

Base on OPs idea that daughter should now see a counselor or 3rd party to make sure she really wants to live where daughter says she wants to live, I suspect daughter wants to stay too and not follow step dads PCS.

Not sure about this one. Op said daughter has said she wants to go but wants to engage a counselor as she does not think daughter is thinking it through.

She doesn’t say she wants to engage a third party to support her decision that daughter should go irrespective of what daughter wants.

I think a counselor is a good idea. Better than court, at any rate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you not discuss and consider this before you got married to someone who is active duty? It seems weird that the idea of this is just coming up now. Contingency plans haven’t been discussed with your ex at all?

This!! You knew this day was coming. How has this not all been figured out?!

What is the point of this question? Woulda shoulda coulda. Doesn’t provide any useful info.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you not discuss and consider this before you got married to someone who is active duty? It seems weird that the idea of this is just coming up now. Contingency plans haven’t been discussed with your ex at all?

This!! You knew this day was coming. How has this not all been figured out?!

What is the point of this question? Woulda shoulda coulda. Doesn’t provide any useful info.

OP again. It was discussed both pre remarriage (and pre additional children) and with ex. All ex had to say was that he wanted me to agree to her staying here. But, I did not want to give up the right to participate in the decision regarding what was best for her at the time of the move. The conversation was dropped.

I am actually open to her staying and did consider it and what that would look like in terms of custody arrangements. However, when I talked about it with her she was very clear that she wanted to come with me, which at this age I was honestly not expecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you not discuss and consider this before you got married to someone who is active duty? It seems weird that the idea of this is just coming up now. Contingency plans haven’t been discussed with your ex at all?

This!! You knew this day was coming. How has this not all been figured out?!

What is the point of this question? Woulda shoulda coulda. Doesn’t provide any useful info.

OP again. It was discussed both pre remarriage (and pre additional children) and with ex. All ex had to say was that he wanted me to agree to her staying here. But, I did not want to give up the right to participate in the decision regarding what was best for her at the time of the move. The conversation was dropped.

I am actually open to her staying and did consider it and what that would look like in terms of custody arrangements. However, when I talked about it with her she was very clear that she wanted to come with me, which at this age I was honestly not expecting.

OP -- Is your new H retiring post this posting? Is that why you know this will be your last move? Because, if so, why not plan to come back to DC then? DD stays with dad now during school year, stays with you for holidays + summer... but all w/ end date in 3 years. (If your H is not retiring, then you do not have an absolute guarantee you will not be moved, irrespective of what you might think. My grandfather got moved to a new *continent* as a high ranking army officer w/ 30+ years 2 years into a tour because of emergency "contingencies." Even though he had been promised up and down that his daughter could finish HS where she was.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should offer since you are the one moving to fly her back to dad 6 times a year. She should go back for spring break, winter break, the summer and a few weekends so that there is never more than 6-8 weeks without seeing dad and her siblings in his home.

Moving your child far away at that age makes maintaining a relationship difficult. Often since all the teen's activities and friends are where they are living, every trip to the other parent means that have to miss events, leave their friends, miss extra curricular and that can make ten resentful of te away parent who wants to see them. It also means the away parent can't be involved in the day to day that helps keep communication open during teen years. Talks in the car on te way to or from something, being there at tournaments or other events, knowing their friends.

Overall it is just a bad situation for the teen and parent left behind.

You have this backwards.

MOM is moving for stepdad's assignment.

Daughter stays with DAD for the school year and flies to see mom over breaks, not the other way around.

The military person is stepdad. The kid was not born into the military lifestyle. It is unfair to thrust her into this during her teen years especially for a step parent.

I am a military spouse and I think OPs daughter should not PCS along with OP. It is just too disruptive to do this to a teenager (unless it is someplace fabulous like Italy or Japan).

Not OP. But poster said she had children (teenagers siblings) involved who have to move in order to have ongoing contact with their actual father. If mother doesn't move, she deprives those children of their right to be with their father. If they go with dad, they are deprived of their right to be with their mother. How is that fair for them?

Essentially, there are three choices in this scenario. One, stay in this location forever with absolutely no recognition of the fact that life changes and we all have to adapt. Not super reasonable. Also, this choice may cost money since BAH declines and potential child care benefits are lost depending on how that has been structured. Two, move and leave teenager here. What if she wants to go? Have you seen a teenager who has been forced to accept a reality they don't want? It doesn't go well. Three, move and daughter goes with as she wants to do and everyone makes the best of what seems to be a no win situation.

- signed divorced and remarried military mom.

I don't think you are correct.

OP is divorced from main daughter's dad.

Daughter's dad is remarried with kids and will stay in DC with stepmom and their kids. (Step siblings to daughter)

OP is married to a military guy who is PCSing. OP and stepdad have kids (step siblings to daughter). OP and new kids will PCS with military husband.

Both OP and dad are involved in daughter's life here in DC.

OP wants daughter to move when they PCS to a new base 1000 miles away (so some place like Kansas).

OPs ex husband wants daughter to stay with him here in DC (assuming school year in DC where she already attends, vacations with mom at new base).

Mother is not planning on staying in DC. She and her new kids are moving.

OP wants daughter to move too. Daughter's dad wants her to stay put.

Base on OPs idea that daughter should now see a counselor or 3rd party to make sure she really wants to live where daughter says she wants to live, I suspect daughter wants to stay too and not follow step dads PCS.

This isn't particularly relevant to the issue being discussed but, fwiw, both OP's kids with her new husband & her ex's kids with his new wife are her DD's half siblings, not step siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you not discuss and consider this before you got married to someone who is active duty? It seems weird that the idea of this is just coming up now. Contingency plans haven’t been discussed with your ex at all?

This!! You knew this day was coming. How has this not all been figured out?!

What is the point of this question? Woulda shoulda coulda. Doesn’t provide any useful info.

OP again. It was discussed both pre remarriage (and pre additional children) and with ex. All ex had to say was that he wanted me to agree to her staying here. But, I did not want to give up the right to participate in the decision regarding what was best for her at the time of the move. The conversation was dropped.

I am actually open to her staying and did consider it and what that would look like in terms of custody arrangements. However, when I talked about it with her she was very clear that she wanted to come with me, which at this age I was honestly not expecting.

OP -- Is your new H retiring post this posting? Is that why you know this will be your last move? Because, if so, why not plan to come back to DC then? DD stays with dad now during school year, stays with you for holidays + summer... but all w/ end date in 3 years. (If your H is not retiring, then you do not have an absolute guarantee you will not be moved, irrespective of what you might think. My grandfather got moved to a new *continent* as a high ranking army officer w/ 30+ years 2 years into a tour because of emergency "contingencies." Even though he had been promised up and down that his daughter could finish HS where she was.)

Because it is not financially feasible.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it is financially feasible - you have to make it work and you need to pay for airfare to/from all holidays and full summers with Dad. Dad should not pay for visitation when you are moving away. Daughter should stay with Dad as you will be moving every few years and not fair to either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is financially feasible - you have to make it work and you need to pay for airfare to/from all holidays and full summers with Dad. Dad should not pay for visitation when you are moving away. Daughter should stay with Dad as you will be moving every few years and not fair to either.

We will make it work for visitation either way.

But it’s not financially feasible to move back here once we have moved away. We will not be moving again. Thanks for the kind suggestions though.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a very thoughtful and loving mom for thinking about getting a 3rd party involved. I would definitely do that. There is a big risk that if you and your ex tell your daughter that it is up to her to decide, that she is going to have massive amounts of anxiety over the decision and guilt for the "not" chosen parent once the decision is made. By getting a 3rd party counselor involved, she can hash out all the pros and cons and feel a bit 'removed' from the actual decision as it will hopefully be a logical outcome of some good discussions.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is financially feasible - you have to make it work and you need to pay for airfare to/from all holidays and full summers with Dad. Dad should not pay for visitation when you are moving away. Daughter should stay with Dad as you will be moving every few years and not fair to either.

We will make it work for visitation either way.

But it’s not financially feasible to move back here once we have moved away. We will not be moving again. Thanks for the kind suggestions though.

Actually it is as the military gives you a final move. You are choosing to take your child away from the other parent and that is selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is financially feasible - you have to make it work and you need to pay for airfare to/from all holidays and full summers with Dad. Dad should not pay for visitation when you are moving away. Daughter should stay with Dad as you will be moving every few years and not fair to either.

We will make it work for visitation either way.

But it’s not financially feasible to move back here once we have moved away. We will not be moving again. Thanks for the kind suggestions though.

Actually it is as the military gives you a final move. You are choosing to take your child away from the other parent and that is selfish.

Actually, DC is not our home of record. A significant portion would come out of our pockets. Then there is the consideration of jobs after. So again, no it is not financially feasible.

I am not “choosing” to move my child.

Not everything is black and white. You apparently are not fully aware of all the details (many of which have been previously posted). So again, thanks for the suggestions, I’ll keep them in mind as I work through this issue. You’ve been very supportive and kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is financially feasible - you have to make it work and you need to pay for airfare to/from all holidays and full summers with Dad. Dad should not pay for visitation when you are moving away. Daughter should stay with Dad as you will be moving every few years and not fair to either.

We will make it work for visitation either way.

But it’s not financially feasible to move back here once we have moved away. We will not be moving again. Thanks for the kind suggestions though.

Actually it is as the military gives you a final move. You are choosing to take your child away from the other parent and that is selfish.

Actually, DC is not our home of record. A significant portion would come out of our pockets. Then there is the consideration of jobs after. So again, no it is not financially feasible.

I am not “choosing” to move my child.

Not everything is black and white. You apparently are not fully aware of all the details (many of which have been previously posted). So again, thanks for the suggestions, I’ll keep them in mind as I work through this issue. You’ve been very supportive and kind.

Are you really a military spouse as you don't seem to know much? It doesn't matter where the home of record is. At retirement they will move you to where ever you want to go within the US, including HI (friends of ours move there). DC was not our home of record, CA would be and we still moved here. You can move back, but do not want to. You made a choice when you married military and have a commitment to child's father to allow him an equal relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is financially feasible - you have to make it work and you need to pay for airfare to/from all holidays and full summers with Dad. Dad should not pay for visitation when you are moving away. Daughter should stay with Dad as you will be moving every few years and not fair to either.

We will make it work for visitation either way.

But it’s not financially feasible to move back here once we have moved away. We will not be moving again. Thanks for the kind suggestions though.

Actually it is as the military gives you a final move. You are choosing to take your child away from the other parent and that is selfish.

Actually, DC is not our home of record. A significant portion would come out of our pockets. Then there is the consideration of jobs after. So again, no it is not financially feasible.

I am not “choosing” to move my child.

Not everything is black and white. You apparently are not fully aware of all the details (many of which have been previously posted). So again, thanks for the suggestions, I’ll keep them in mind as I work through this issue. You’ve been very supportive and kind.

Sigh...another case where the op makes things up to try to get people on her side

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is financially feasible - you have to make it work and you need to pay for airfare to/from all holidays and full summers with Dad. Dad should not pay for visitation when you are moving away. Daughter should stay with Dad as you will be moving every few years and not fair to either.

We will make it work for visitation either way.

But it’s not financially feasible to move back here once we have moved away. We will not be moving again. Thanks for the kind suggestions though.

Actually it is as the military gives you a final move. You are choosing to take your child away from the other parent and that is selfish.

Actually, DC is not our home of record. A significant portion would come out of our pockets. Then there is the consideration of jobs after. So again, no it is not financially feasible.

I am not “choosing” to move my child.

Not everything is black and white. You apparently are not fully aware of all the details (many of which have been previously posted). So again, thanks for the suggestions, I’ll keep them in mind as I work through this issue. You’ve been very supportive and kind.

Are you really a military spouse as you don't seem to know much? It doesn't matter where the home of record is. At retirement they will move you to where ever you want to go within the US, including HI (friends of ours move there). DC was not our home of record, CA would be and we still moved here. You can move back, but do not want to. You made a choice when you married military and have a commitment to child's father to allow him an equal relationship.

You can stop now. You don’t know the details and I am not going to explain further. Unfortunately you will just have to take my word for it that it is not financially feasible. I realize that’s going to be hard for you.

As I said, more than once, it’s not black and white. But thanks for always going there, it’s been super helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is financially feasible - you have to make it work and you need to pay for airfare to/from all holidays and full summers with Dad. Dad should not pay for visitation when you are moving away. Daughter should stay with Dad as you will be moving every few years and not fair to either.

We will make it work for visitation either way.

But it’s not financially feasible to move back here once we have moved away. We will not be moving again. Thanks for the kind suggestions though.

Actually it is as the military gives you a final move. You are choosing to take your child away from the other parent and that is selfish.

Actually, DC is not our home of record. A significant portion would come out of our pockets. Then there is the consideration of jobs after. So again, no it is not financially feasible.

I am not “choosing” to move my child.

Not everything is black and white. You apparently are not fully aware of all the details (many of which have been previously posted). So again, thanks for the suggestions, I’ll keep them in mind as I work through this issue. You’ve been very supportive and kind.

Are you really a military spouse as you don't seem to know much? It doesn't matter where the home of record is. At retirement they will move you to where ever you want to go within the US, including HI (friends of ours move there). DC was not our home of record, CA would be and we still moved here. You can move back, but do not want to. You made a choice when you married military and have a commitment to child's father to allow him an equal relationship.

You can stop now. You don’t know the details and I am not going to explain further. Unfortunately you will just have to take my word for it that it is not financially feasible. I realize that’s going to be hard for you.

As I said, more than once, it’s not black and white. But thanks for always going there, it’s been super helpful.

It is feasible to move back. You are choosing not to and separate your child from her other parent. You may not want to move back, which is ok but don't blame the military or act like they will not pay for it.