Relocation and Custody

[Anonymous]

You’re going to have to talk with your ex. Period. You are both supposedly happily remarried to other people, so grow up.

The reality is that one parent will wind up with school year custody and the other will have all summer and many of the school breaks. Since you have an active duty spouse who will likely have to move again when your daughter is in high school, I would probably plan this - she stays with you as primary parent in middle school, but then moves to stay with your ex for the four years of high school, even before you leave for the posting after this one.

[Anonymous]

I think you should offer since you are the one moving to fly her back to dad 6 times a year. She should go back for spring break, winter break, the summer and a few weekends so that there is never more than 6-8 weeks without seeing dad and her siblings in his home.

Moving your child far away at that age makes maintaining a relationship difficult. Often since all the teen's activities and friends are where they are living, every trip to the other parent means that have to miss events, leave their friends, miss extra curricular and that can make ten resentful of te away parent who wants to see them. It also means the away parent can't be involved in the day to day that helps keep communication open during teen years. Talks in the car on te way to or from something, being there at tournaments or other events, knowing their friends.

Overall it is just a bad situation for the teen and parent left behind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should offer since you are the one moving to fly her back to dad 6 times a year. She should go back for spring break, winter break, the summer and a few weekends so that there is never more than 6-8 weeks without seeing dad and her siblings in his home.

Moving your child far away at that age makes maintaining a relationship difficult. Often since all the teen's activities and friends are where they are living, every trip to the other parent means that have to miss events, leave their friends, miss extra curricular and that can make ten resentful of te away parent who wants to see them. It also means the away parent can't be involved in the day to day that helps keep communication open during teen years. Talks in the car on te way to or from something, being there at tournaments or other events, knowing their friends.

Overall it is just a bad situation for the teen and parent left behind.

You have this backwards.

MOM is moving for stepdad's assignment.

Daughter stays with DAD for the school year and flies to see mom over breaks, not the other way around.

The military person is stepdad. The kid was not born into the military lifestyle. It is unfair to thrust her into this during her teen years especially for a step parent.

I am a military spouse and I think OPs daughter should not PCS along with OP. It is just too disruptive to do this to a teenager (unless it is someplace fabulous like Italy or Japan).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, you want a divorce and are taking your child with you. That's pretty crappy. At least give him every holiday and all summer. To me, its a non-issue. This is the life you signed up for and you go (yes, I'm a military wife).

No idea what you are talking about... Divorce has occurred as has remarriage of all parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should offer since you are the one moving to fly her back to dad 6 times a year. She should go back for spring break, winter break, the summer and a few weekends so that there is never more than 6-8 weeks without seeing dad and her siblings in his home.

Moving your child far away at that age makes maintaining a relationship difficult. Often since all the teen's activities and friends are where they are living, every trip to the other parent means that have to miss events, leave their friends, miss extra curricular and that can make ten resentful of te away parent who wants to see them. It also means the away parent can't be involved in the day to day that helps keep communication open during teen years. Talks in the car on te way to or from something, being there at tournaments or other events, knowing their friends.

Overall it is just a bad situation for the teen and parent left behind.

You have this backwards.

MOM is moving for stepdad's assignment.

Daughter stays with DAD for the school year and flies to see mom over breaks, not the other way around.

The military person is stepdad. The kid was not born into the military lifestyle. It is unfair to thrust her into this during her teen years especially for a step parent.

I am a military spouse and I think OPs daughter should not PCS along with OP. It is just too disruptive to do this to a teenager (unless it is someplace fabulous like Italy or Japan).

Not OP. But poster said she had children (teenagers siblings) involved who have to move in order to have ongoing contact with their actual father. If mother doesn't move, she deprives those children of their right to be with their father. If they go with dad, they are deprived of their right to be with their mother. How is that fair for them?

Essentially, there are three choices in this scenario. One, stay in this location forever with absolutely no recognition of the fact that life changes and we all have to adapt. Not super reasonable. Also, this choice may cost money since BAH declines and potential child care benefits are lost depending on how that has been structured. Two, move and leave teenager here. What if she wants to go? Have you seen a teenager who has been forced to accept a reality they don't want? It doesn't go well. Three, move and daughter goes with as she wants to do and everyone makes the best of what seems to be a no win situation.

- signed divorced and remarried military mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, your post is confusing.

You said her dad is pcsing.

Then you said that he wilk want her to stay and you will want her to go.

That does not make sense.

Are you mom (non military), staying in DC and want kid to stay in DC?

Or are you dad (military) PCSing to another post and wanting daughter to move with you?

Saying the dad has an assignment and wants her to stay and other parent wants her to go makes no sense.

There are four people in this scenario. Mom and step-dad. Dad and step-mom. Two houses, 50/50 custody. At least one sib in both houses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom and dad divorced. Mom got married to a man who is active duty and being required to move. Mom is choosing to move with her new husband.

Did I get all this correct?

Daughter gets to stay “home” with dad. She’s had enough change in her life. She wasn’t born into the military lifestyle and probably didn’t have any say in the remarriage plans. Let her keep some sense of normalcy.

Agree with this. These are hard years for moving kids. And as a pp pointed out, there will likely be another move in three years or so when dd is in high school. Most military families do everything possible to avoid a move the last couple of years of high school, even if that means sending the military spouse on their own to the next assignment for a year or two. That could be very complicated in this blended family scenario. I would work on a way to have her stay in the DC area with her dad, with lots of visitation with mom.

- another military mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom and dad divorced. Mom got married to a man who is active duty and being required to move. Mom is choosing to move with her new husband.

Did I get all this correct?

Daughter gets to stay “home” with dad. She’s had enough change in her life. She wasn’t born into the military lifestyle and probably didn’t have any say in the remarriage plans. Let her keep some sense of normalcy.

Agree with this. These are hard years for moving kids. And as a pp pointed out, there will likely be another move in three years or so when dd is in high school. Most military families do everything possible to avoid a move the last couple of years of high school, even if that means sending the military spouse on their own to the next assignment for a year or two. That could be very complicated in this blended family scenario. I would work on a way to have her stay in the DC area with her dad, with lots of visitation with mom.

- another military mom

OP here. We will not be moving from new place, for various reasons that don’t need to be discussed here. If we were moving again I’d feel differently and that is a good point. But bottom line, once we move we will be staying put.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should offer since you are the one moving to fly her back to dad 6 times a year. She should go back for spring break, winter break, the summer and a few weekends so that there is never more than 6-8 weeks without seeing dad and her siblings in his home.

Moving your child far away at that age makes maintaining a relationship difficult. Often since all the teen's activities and friends are where they are living, every trip to the other parent means that have to miss events, leave their friends, miss extra curricular and that can make ten resentful of te away parent who wants to see them. It also means the away parent can't be involved in the day to day that helps keep communication open during teen years. Talks in the car on te way to or from something, being there at tournaments or other events, knowing their friends.

Overall it is just a bad situation for the teen and parent left behind.

You have this backwards.

MOM is moving for stepdad's assignment.

Daughter stays with DAD for the school year and flies to see mom over breaks, not the other way around.

The military person is stepdad. The kid was not born into the military lifestyle. It is unfair to thrust her into this during her teen years especially for a step parent.

I am a military spouse and I think OPs daughter should not PCS along with OP. It is just too disruptive to do this to a teenager (unless it is someplace fabulous like Italy or Japan).

Not OP. But poster said she had children (teenagers siblings) involved who have to move in order to have ongoing contact with their actual father. If mother doesn't move, she deprives those children of their right to be with their father. If they go with dad, they are deprived of their right to be with their mother. How is that fair for them?

Essentially, there are three choices in this scenario. One, stay in this location forever with absolutely no recognition of the fact that life changes and we all have to adapt. Not super reasonable. Also, this choice may cost money since BAH declines and potential child care benefits are lost depending on how that has been structured. Two, move and leave teenager here. What if she wants to go? Have you seen a teenager who has been forced to accept a reality they don't want? It doesn't go well. Three, move and daughter goes with as she wants to do and everyone makes the best of what seems to be a no win situation.

- signed divorced and remarried military mom.

I don't think you are correct.

OP is divorced from main daughter's dad.

Daughter's dad is remarried with kids and will stay in DC with stepmom and their kids. (Step siblings to daughter)

OP is married to a military guy who is PCSing. OP and stepdad have kids (step siblings to daughter). OP and new kids will PCS with military husband.

Both OP and dad are involved in daughter's life here in DC.

OP wants daughter to move when they PCS to a new base 1000 miles away (so some place like Kansas).

OPs ex husband wants daughter to stay with him here in DC (assuming school year in DC where she already attends, vacations with mom at new base).

Mother is not planning on staying in DC. She and her new kids are moving.

OP wants daughter to move too. Daughter's dad wants her to stay put.

Base on OPs idea that daughter should now see a counselor or 3rd party to make sure she really wants to live where daughter says she wants to live, I suspect daughter wants to stay too and not follow step dads PCS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom and dad divorced. Mom got married to a man who is active duty and being required to move. Mom is choosing to move with her new husband.

Did I get all this correct?

Daughter gets to stay “home” with dad. She’s had enough change in her life. She wasn’t born into the military lifestyle and probably didn’t have any say in the remarriage plans. Let her keep some sense of normalcy.

Agree with this. These are hard years for moving kids. And as a pp pointed out, there will likely be another move in three years or so when dd is in high school. Most military families do everything possible to avoid a move the last couple of years of high school, even if that means sending the military spouse on their own to the next assignment for a year or two. That could be very complicated in this blended family scenario. I would work on a way to have her stay in the DC area with her dad, with lots of visitation with mom.

- another military mom

OP here. We will not be moving from new place, for various reasons that don’t need to be discussed here. If we were moving again I’d feel differently and that is a good point. But bottom line, once we move we will be staying put.

There is never this kind of certainty in the military, especially in the later years of your career.

Signed,
Military spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom and dad divorced. Mom got married to a man who is active duty and being required to move. Mom is choosing to move with her new husband.

Did I get all this correct?

Daughter gets to stay “home” with dad. She’s had enough change in her life. She wasn’t born into the military lifestyle and probably didn’t have any say in the remarriage plans. Let her keep some sense of normalcy.

Agree with this. These are hard years for moving kids. And as a pp pointed out, there will likely be another move in three years or so when dd is in high school. Most military families do everything possible to avoid a move the last couple of years of high school, even if that means sending the military spouse on their own to the next assignment for a year or two. That could be very complicated in this blended family scenario. I would work on a way to have her stay in the DC area with her dad, with lots of visitation with mom.

- another military mom

OP here. We will not be moving from new place, for various reasons that don’t need to be discussed here. If we were moving again I’d feel differently and that is a good point. But bottom line, once we move we will be staying put.

In that case I'd let her decide. She's old enough to have an opinion and I'd follow her lead. If her preference is to be with her mother, I'd accommodate that, with obviously liberal visitation with the other parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom and dad divorced. Mom got married to a man who is active duty and being required to move. Mom is choosing to move with her new husband.

Did I get all this correct?

Daughter gets to stay “home” with dad. She’s had enough change in her life. She wasn’t born into the military lifestyle and probably didn’t have any say in the remarriage plans. Let her keep some sense of normalcy.

Agree with this. These are hard years for moving kids. And as a pp pointed out, there will likely be another move in three years or so when dd is in high school. Most military families do everything possible to avoid a move the last couple of years of high school, even if that means sending the military spouse on their own to the next assignment for a year or two. That could be very complicated in this blended family scenario. I would work on a way to have her stay in the DC area with her dad, with lots of visitation with mom.

- another military mom

OP here. We will not be moving from new place, for various reasons that don’t need to be discussed here. If we were moving again I’d feel differently and that is a good point. But bottom line, once we move we will be staying put.

There is never this kind of certainty in the military, especially in the later years of your career.

Signed,
Military spouse.

Unless this will be his last posting and he plans to retire. Though I agree in principle - in the military you can say what is likely to happen, but it's not a done deal until it's done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom and dad divorced. Mom got married to a man who is active duty and being required to move. Mom is choosing to move with her new husband.

Did I get all this correct?

Daughter gets to stay “home” with dad. She’s had enough change in her life. She wasn’t born into the military lifestyle and probably didn’t have any say in the remarriage plans. Let her keep some sense of normalcy.

Agree with this. These are hard years for moving kids. And as a pp pointed out, there will likely be another move in three years or so when dd is in high school. Most military families do everything possible to avoid a move the last couple of years of high school, even if that means sending the military spouse on their own to the next assignment for a year or two. That could be very complicated in this blended family scenario. I would work on a way to have her stay in the DC area with her dad, with lots of visitation with mom.

- another military mom

OP here. We will not be moving from new place, for various reasons that don’t need to be discussed here. If we were moving again I’d feel differently and that is a good point. But bottom line, once we move we will be staying put.

There is never this kind of certainty in the military, especially in the later years of your career.

Signed,
Military spouse.

Got that it is unusual. However, we have this certainty so please don’t insert your facts or situation into mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom and dad divorced. Mom got married to a man who is active duty and being required to move. Mom is choosing to move with her new husband.

Did I get all this correct?

Daughter gets to stay “home” with dad. She’s had enough change in her life. She wasn’t born into the military lifestyle and probably didn’t have any say in the remarriage plans. Let her keep some sense of normalcy.

Agree with this. These are hard years for moving kids. And as a pp pointed out, there will likely be another move in three years or so when dd is in high school. Most military families do everything possible to avoid a move the last couple of years of high school, even if that means sending the military spouse on their own to the next assignment for a year or two. That could be very complicated in this blended family scenario. I would work on a way to have her stay in the DC area with her dad, with lots of visitation with mom.

- another military mom

OP here. We will not be moving from new place, for various reasons that don’t need to be discussed here. If we were moving again I’d feel differently and that is a good point. But bottom line, once we move we will be staying put.

There is never this kind of certainty in the military, especially in the later years of your career.

Signed,
Military spouse.

Unless this will be his last posting and he plans to retire. Though I agree in principle - in the military you can say what is likely to happen, but it's not a done deal until it's done.

Yep. If you hit 20 yrs there is more control over next assignment. Military controls your destiny but once you can choose to retire, they can’t force you to stay. If that’s what is happening. Otherwise, there is always an element of uncertainty, as everyone else has pointed out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you not discuss and consider this before you got married to someone who is active duty? It seems weird that the idea of this is just coming up now. Contingency plans haven’t been discussed with your ex at all?

This!! You knew this day was coming. How has this not all been figured out?!