Relocation and Custody

[Anonymous]

Hi, the active duty husband has gotten orders for a post that is over 1K miles away from Washington DC.

Currently, we both have 50/50 custody. We both have at least 1 sibling in the house (I have three), both parents are remarried and both households are good households. I, the mom, typically initiates research and figures out options regarding schools, activities, doc choices and decisions, etc. but the whole group is involved in the final decision making. There are communication and mistrust issues for both actual parents so it is not an ideal situation, but we can usually figure things out peacefully.

My child is 13. I figure, given the equality between the two houses, any court decision will likely consider heavily what her preference is and why (i.e. stay or go) in determining whether the move is in her best interest. She has indicated to me she wants to go with me. Of course I want that too, but what I really want is what is best for her. Her dad will want her to stay and will think that is best for her. Neither of us are objective, obviously.

I am considering suggesting that we engage a psychologist specializing in this type of evaluation to help her through the situation and to make a recommendation as to what they think would be the right situation for her, all things considered. That way she doesn't have to discuss why she wants to stay or go with either parent and is not made to feel like she has to answer for her choice to either, etc.

Although I do want her to come with me, my ultimate desire is to figure out what is best for her overall, irrespective of that.

I am curious whether anyone has had to deal with this and what you did to figure out how to go forward? Me staying is not an option so we've got to figure something out and I'd prefer not to go to court.

[Anonymous]

How much time until your husband's PCS?

IMHO you are heavily discounting the fact that you are the one requesting a change to the status quo. I would have a consult with a lawyer to (1) assess the strength of your position which may not be as strong as you think and (2) a lawyer could give you ideas other couples have used to negotiate an agreement in this regard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much time until your husband's PCS?

IMHO you are heavily discounting the fact that you are the one requesting a change to the status quo. I would have a consult with a lawyer to (1) assess the strength of your position which may not be as strong as you think and (2) a lawyer could give you ideas other couples have used to negotiate an agreement in this regard.

I am not discounting that, believe me. But a judge is not going to keep a 13yo girl away from her mother if she expresses a strong preference for being with her. I personally don't think she is thinking through everything though, so I thought the psychologist may be able to help her in that regard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much time until your husband's PCS?

IMHO you are heavily discounting the fact that you are the one requesting a change to the status quo. I would have a consult with a lawyer to (1) assess the strength of your position which may not be as strong as you think and (2) a lawyer could give you ideas other couples have used to negotiate an agreement in this regard.

I am not discounting that, believe me. But a judge is not going to keep a 13yo girl away from her mother if she expresses a strong preference for being with her. I personally don't think she is thinking through everything though, so I thought the psychologist may be able to help her in that regard.

All I'm saying is that you should confirm this with a lawyer to ascertain the strength of your legal position first if you have not done so already. Maybe you're right, maybe not. I think it would be worth spending $200 to find out for sure as these are state specific and often jurisdiction specific questions.

The other factor to consider, at least when I was in the Army, is that they seemed to rotate AD folks every 3 years or so which would put her in HS when the next rotation comes around. Perhaps your H can work out a deal to stay longer or volunteer for a deployment of some sort in exchange for more time at that station. It always seemed like officers had more say over the timing of their moves.

I asked the first question about when the PCS is scheduled because if it is in the near future your ex could drag this out in court and you will be at a significant disadvantage if you have already moved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much time until your husband's PCS?

IMHO you are heavily discounting the fact that you are the one requesting a change to the status quo. I would have a consult with a lawyer to (1) assess the strength of your position which may not be as strong as you think and (2) a lawyer could give you ideas other couples have used to negotiate an agreement in this regard.

I am not discounting that, believe me. But a judge is not going to keep a 13yo girl away from her mother if she expresses a strong preference for being with her. I personally don't think she is thinking through everything though, so I thought the psychologist may be able to help her in that regard.

All I'm saying is that you should confirm this with a lawyer to ascertain the strength of your legal position first if you have not done so already. Maybe you're right, maybe not. I think it would be worth spending $200 to find out for sure as these are state specific and often jurisdiction specific questions.

The other factor to consider, at least when I was in the Army, is that they seemed to rotate AD folks every 3 years or so which would put her in HS when the next rotation comes around. Perhaps your H can work out a deal to stay longer or volunteer for a deployment of some sort in exchange for more time at that station. It always seemed like officers had more say over the timing of their moves.

I asked the first question about when the PCS is scheduled because if it is in the near future your ex could drag this out in court and you will be at a significant disadvantage if you have already moved.

Excellent point. That would be a challenging time for a HS student to relocate again.

[Anonymous]

Did you not discuss and consider this before you got married to someone who is active duty? It seems weird that the idea of this is just coming up now. Contingency plans haven’t been discussed with your ex at all?

[Anonymous]

Tough one. Are the schools comparable in both places? Does she dislike her current school and is looking for a fresh start?

[Anonymous]

So, you want a divorce and are taking your child with you. That's pretty crappy. At least give him every holiday and all summer. To me, its a non-issue. This is the life you signed up for and you go (yes, I'm a military wife).

[Anonymous]

Sorry, your post is confusing.

You said her dad is pcsing.

Then you said that he wilk want her to stay and you will want her to go.

That does not make sense.

Are you mom (non military), staying in DC and want kid to stay in DC?

Or are you dad (military) PCSing to another post and wanting daughter to move with you?

Saying the dad has an assignment and wants her to stay and other parent wants her to go makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

OR are both her mom and her dad married to other people with kids from their new spouses?

[Anonymous]

And where is the assignment to? Will you live on base housing or out in the community? Is the job a command type job where there is a lot of work hours and family scrutiny? What are the TDY expectations with the other job? How established is she with her sports, school and friends?

Middle school is a sucky time to move.

You say post, so is it safe to assume Army?

Army has some crappy places to move to. You said around 1000 miles, so were are looking at places like Fort Leonard Wood, Fort Leavenworth, Arkansas, etc. I wouldn't want to go there as a teen personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, your post is confusing.

You said her dad is pcsing.

Then you said that he wilk want her to stay and you will want her to go.

That does not make sense.

Are you mom (non military), staying in DC and want kid to stay in DC?

Or are you dad (military) PCSing to another post and wanting daughter to move with you?

Saying the dad has an assignment and wants her to stay and other parent wants her to go makes no sense.

Her new / current DH is PCSing 1K miles away. ExDH will be in Washington DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, your post is confusing.

You said her dad is pcsing.

Then you said that he wilk want her to stay and you will want her to go.

That does not make sense.

Are you mom (non military), staying in DC and want kid to stay in DC?

Or are you dad (military) PCSing to another post and wanting daughter to move with you?

Saying the dad has an assignment and wants her to stay and other parent wants her to go makes no sense.

Her new / current DH is PCSing 1K miles away. ExDH will be in Washington DC.

Daughter stays with her established friends and routines and spends break with mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, your post is confusing.

You said her dad is pcsing.

Then you said that he wilk want her to stay and you will want her to go.

That does not make sense.

Are you mom (non military), staying in DC and want kid to stay in DC?

Or are you dad (military) PCSing to another post and wanting daughter to move with you?

Saying the dad has an assignment and wants her to stay and other parent wants her to go makes no sense.

Her new / current DH is PCSing 1K miles away. ExDH will be in Washington DC.

Daughter stays with her established friends and routines and spends break with mom.

And thanks!

Her post was confusing as to which parent was what. At first I was like the other person who though OP was getting a divorce. Posters should really post I and Him or Ex in these mixed family questions.

Military PCS is really difficult for teens. Moving in middle school school sucks. This move will likely result in an overlap move in the middle of high school (best case scenario between 9th and 10th but more likely between 10th & 11th or 11th & 12th). That makes things so hard school wise, not just socially but also figuring out credits and how to stay on track between school systems.

I would do what will make things easier for the kid. To do otherwise OP is selfish.

I think OPs daughter should stay put.

[Anonymous]

Mom and dad divorced. Mom got married to a man who is active duty and being required to move. Mom is choosing to move with her new husband.

Did I get all this correct?

Daughter gets to stay “home” with dad. She’s had enough change in her life. She wasn’t born into the military lifestyle and probably didn’t have any say in the remarriage plans. Let her keep some sense of normalcy.