Separated for 2yrs—going from 50/50 to me being primary

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound selfish to restrict his parental rights. Damage control is to be honest and say you don't think they should have a relationship anymore with Dad and Dad's only duty is to pay child support.

Did you even read the OP? She said the dad wants to move. And if a court granted her primary custody, then something must be wrong with the dad. 50/50 is the norm.

He can have summers and weekends. They can share legal custody so they both make the decisions for the kids. 50/50 isn't the norm even though it should be.

He will get some of the summer and every other weekend but he is moving two counties away and has substance abuse issues. However, he really wanted to make 50/50 work despite being 1.5hr away — this wasn’t possible. I want to be there to tell them with him because I think we are normally good coparents and presenting a united front is best but he is angry and doesn’t want me included. I don’t know what he is going to say.

OK, so here's the thing: while you might be upset that he is going to do this thing without them, he is upset that you took away all his parental rights (when you asked for full legal custody). What you did is a shitty thing. Now, I don't know about the circumstances, but he has a right to feel angry and upset about that.

You might feel like it is hard to not have control over this important conversation he is having, he no longer has control over any decisions in his kids' lives. If you had really wanted to co-parent, you would have sought full physical custody but not legal custody. You don't get to be upset now that he wants to exclude you when you have so clearly decided to exclude him.

In other words, you feel that she ought to carry 100% of the physical parenting and caretaking load while ceding 50% of decision-making powers to him?

He decided to remove himself from the kids' lives when he opted to move away. He could have stayed and continued with the 50/50 arrangement they had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Who has said anything about child support? Up until now, I paid him child support because I am the higher earned. He chose to move away!!!

You took full legal custody away. Physical and legal are two different things. You choose to take both to push him out of the kids life.

She didn't take anything away. The court did. Maybe you should ask yourself why the court didn't see him fit. And I'm taking 100% of the workload, you better believe I'll ask for 100% of decision-making power.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:13:01 - call me crazy, but her ex is an adult. He is making a CHOICE to move away from his kids. He is prioritizing his relationship with his girlfriend over his relationship with his kids. How does this translate to the OP taking away his parental rights and his control? It's not practical for him to have 50/50 if he is CHOOSING TO MOVE AWAY. If he wanted 50/50, he could stay where he is.

He is angry at the OP because it's easier than facing the reality that he's taking the first step to disappearing from his kid's lives.

YES! Also, are people ignoring where OP said there are substance abuse issues???? This man is choosing proximity to his girlfriend over proximity to his kids. Why can't the girlfriend move one county over and they set up shop in the middle? This sounds like a guy who is not placing his children first. He wanted his kids to commute 1.5 hrs so that he could live with his girlfriend? That makes no sense.

So, its ok when mom's move away and take the kids but not ok for Dad. It sounds like she was fighting for custody regardless of the move. There was no reason to take full legal custody as well. She has in effect terminated his parental rights. But, I guess Dad's are replaceable. She probably is remarried or with a new boyfriend and wants to erase Dad.

The court said it's not OK so deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound selfish to restrict his parental rights. Damage control is to be honest and say you don't think they should have a relationship anymore with Dad and Dad's only duty is to pay child support.

Did you even read the OP? She said the dad wants to move. And if a court granted her primary custody, then something must be wrong with the dad. 50/50 is the norm.

He can have summers and weekends. They can share legal custody so they both make the decisions for the kids. 50/50 isn't the norm even though it should be.

He will get some of the summer and every other weekend but he is moving two counties away and has substance abuse issues. However, he really wanted to make 50/50 work despite being 1.5hr away — this wasn’t possible. I want to be there to tell them with him because I think we are normally good coparents and presenting a united front is best but he is angry and doesn’t want me included. I don’t know what he is going to say.

OK, so here's the thing: while you might be upset that he is going to do this thing without them, he is upset that you took away all his parental rights (when you asked for full legal custody). What you did is a shitty thing. Now, I don't know about the circumstances, but he has a right to feel angry and upset about that.

You might feel like it is hard to not have control over this important conversation he is having, he no longer has control over any decisions in his kids' lives. If you had really wanted to co-parent, you would have sought full physical custody but not legal custody. You don't get to be upset now that he wants to exclude you when you have so clearly decided to exclude him.

In other words, you feel that she ought to carry 100% of the physical parenting and caretaking load while ceding 50% of decision-making powers to him?

He decided to remove himself from the kids' lives when he opted to move away. He could have stayed and continued with the 50/50 arrangement they had.

Moving 90 minutes away in this area is not a big deal. Many people do that commute for all the time for work. Mom's move away with the kids all the time and that is ok? Maybe he was moving for a good reason like closer to his work or cost of living cheaper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound selfish to restrict his parental rights. Damage control is to be honest and say you don't think they should have a relationship anymore with Dad and Dad's only duty is to pay child support.

Did you even read the OP? She said the dad wants to move. And if a court granted her primary custody, then something must be wrong with the dad. 50/50 is the norm.

He can have summers and weekends. They can share legal custody so they both make the decisions for the kids. 50/50 isn't the norm even though it should be.

He will get some of the summer and every other weekend but he is moving two counties away and has substance abuse issues. However, he really wanted to make 50/50 work despite being 1.5hr away — this wasn’t possible. I want to be there to tell them with him because I think we are normally good coparents and presenting a united front is best but he is angry and doesn’t want me included. I don’t know what he is going to say.

OK, so here's the thing: while you might be upset that he is going to do this thing without them, he is upset that you took away all his parental rights (when you asked for full legal custody). What you did is a shitty thing. Now, I don't know about the circumstances, but he has a right to feel angry and upset about that.

You might feel like it is hard to not have control over this important conversation he is having, he no longer has control over any decisions in his kids' lives. If you had really wanted to co-parent, you would have sought full physical custody but not legal custody. You don't get to be upset now that he wants to exclude you when you have so clearly decided to exclude him.

In other words, you feel that she ought to carry 100% of the physical parenting and caretaking load while ceding 50% of decision-making powers to him?

He decided to remove himself from the kids' lives when he opted to move away. He could have stayed and continued with the 50/50 arrangement they had.

Moving 90 minutes away in this area is not a big deal. Many people do that commute for all the time for work. Mom's move away with the kids all the time and that is ok? Maybe he was moving for a good reason like closer to his work or cost of living cheaper.

It's OK if the courts say it's OK, and in this case the court said it's not. I don't see why kids have to be pulled out of their familiar setting just because daddy wants to move in with this new GF. Remember, HE filed for full custody. He could have continued with 50/50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is hard. You do damage control by being a strong and centered mom. You do damage control by letting them be angry with you and not retaliating. You do damage control by NEVER saying anything negative about their dad or their relationship with their dad.

I’ve been there, and it is SO HARD. But it is doable, and you will maintain a solid relationship with your kids this way.

Something I learned very early (I’ve been a single mom with sole legal/primary physical custody for more than 8 years) is that if you say something negative about dad it will harm the kids relationship WITH YOU. It won’t hurt their relationship with dad. The opposite is also true. I’m taking long term here - you prevent the damage by staying calm, centered, and by recognizing that you are mom and no one can replace you.

Play the long game. How your kids feel today or tomorrow or next month is less important than how they feel as an adult looking back. Be the adult, and everything will be OK. I promise.

Thank you for this. I know they’re going to be angry with me and I’m preparing for the worse.

Just listen to their anger. Let them be angry. You could consider counseling for them too (I’ll let you decide if it’s necessary), but just don’t get angry with them for being angry.

It will be OK!!

And to the naysayers, OP might not have been the instigator in all this. My ex took me to court (I was willing to do 50/50) because HE wanted sole custody. The court decided to give it to me instead. His fault for fighting when he could have been agreeable.

[Anonymous]

It’s not up to you to control what he says to them about it. He’s upset, and it’s okay for him to express that and acknowledge that. You “won” and you know it. Let that be enough. The united front ended when you couldn’t agree to 50-50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is hard. You do damage control by being a strong and centered mom. You do damage control by letting them be angry with you and not retaliating. You do damage control by NEVER saying anything negative about their dad or their relationship with their dad.

I’ve been there, and it is SO HARD. But it is doable, and you will maintain a solid relationship with your kids this way.

Something I learned very early (I’ve been a single mom with sole legal/primary physical custody for more than 8 years) is that if you say something negative about dad it will harm the kids relationship WITH YOU. It won’t hurt their relationship with dad. The opposite is also true. I’m taking long term here - you prevent the damage by staying calm, centered, and by recognizing that you are mom and no one can replace you.

Play the long game. How your kids feel today or tomorrow or next month is less important than how they feel as an adult looking back. Be the adult, and everything will be OK. I promise.

Thank you for this. I know they’re going to be angry with me and I’m preparing for the worse.

Just listen to their anger. Let them be angry. You could consider counseling for them too (I’ll let you decide if it’s necessary), but just don’t get angry with them for being angry.

It will be OK!!

And to the naysayers, OP might not have been the instigator in all this. My ex took me to court (I was willing to do 50/50) because HE wanted sole custody. The court decided to give it to me instead. His fault for fighting when he could have been agreeable.

And, now your children suffer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is hard. You do damage control by being a strong and centered mom. You do damage control by letting them be angry with you and not retaliating. You do damage control by NEVER saying anything negative about their dad or their relationship with their dad.

I’ve been there, and it is SO HARD. But it is doable, and you will maintain a solid relationship with your kids this way.

Something I learned very early (I’ve been a single mom with sole legal/primary physical custody for more than 8 years) is that if you say something negative about dad it will harm the kids relationship WITH YOU. It won’t hurt their relationship with dad. The opposite is also true. I’m taking long term here - you prevent the damage by staying calm, centered, and by recognizing that you are mom and no one can replace you.

Play the long game. How your kids feel today or tomorrow or next month is less important than how they feel as an adult looking back. Be the adult, and everything will be OK. I promise.

Thank you for this. I know they’re going to be angry with me and I’m preparing for the worse.

Just listen to their anger. Let them be angry. You could consider counseling for them too (I’ll let you decide if it’s necessary), but just don’t get angry with them for being angry.

It will be OK!!

And to the naysayers, OP might not have been the instigator in all this. My ex took me to court (I was willing to do 50/50) because HE wanted sole custody. The court decided to give it to me instead. His fault for fighting when he could have been agreeable.

And, now your children suffer.

Whose fault is that? She was wiling to do 50/50. You think the kids wouldn't suffer if they were separated from the mother?

[Anonymous]

Insist on telling the kids together.

Or tell the kids yourself before he does, if you are afraid he is going to make things worse, and get a family therapist in the mix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is hard. You do damage control by being a strong and centered mom. You do damage control by letting them be angry with you and not retaliating. You do damage control by NEVER saying anything negative about their dad or their relationship with their dad.

I’ve been there, and it is SO HARD. But it is doable, and you will maintain a solid relationship with your kids this way.

Something I learned very early (I’ve been a single mom with sole legal/primary physical custody for more than 8 years) is that if you say something negative about dad it will harm the kids relationship WITH YOU. It won’t hurt their relationship with dad. The opposite is also true. I’m taking long term here - you prevent the damage by staying calm, centered, and by recognizing that you are mom and no one can replace you.

Play the long game. How your kids feel today or tomorrow or next month is less important than how they feel as an adult looking back. Be the adult, and everything will be OK. I promise.

Thank you for this. I know they’re going to be angry with me and I’m preparing for the worse.

Just listen to their anger. Let them be angry. You could consider counseling for them too (I’ll let you decide if it’s necessary), but just don’t get angry with them for being angry.

It will be OK!!

And to the naysayers, OP might not have been the instigator in all this. My ex took me to court (I was willing to do 50/50) because HE wanted sole custody. The court decided to give it to me instead. His fault for fighting when he could have been agreeable.

And, now your children suffer.

Yep, and because of it OP and I get the be the adults who do what we can to give the kids a stable upbringing. When one parent is insisting on sole custody, the courts DO NOT order 50/50 because it is not good for the kids to spend 50% of their time in a home with that much hostility. The courts award custody to the more adult of the parties and hope that person tries to foster a relationship with the other. In my case, the child has a good relationship with both myself and my ex. I don’t begrudge him that, and I work hard to do a good job.

[Anonymous]

Just tell them first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is hard. You do damage control by being a strong and centered mom. You do damage control by letting them be angry with you and not retaliating. You do damage control by NEVER saying anything negative about their dad or their relationship with their dad.

I’ve been there, and it is SO HARD. But it is doable, and you will maintain a solid relationship with your kids this way.

Something I learned very early (I’ve been a single mom with sole legal/primary physical custody for more than 8 years) is that if you say something negative about dad it will harm the kids relationship WITH YOU. It won’t hurt their relationship with dad. The opposite is also true. I’m taking long term here - you prevent the damage by staying calm, centered, and by recognizing that you are mom and no one can replace you.

Play the long game. How your kids feel today or tomorrow or next month is less important than how they feel as an adult looking back. Be the adult, and everything will be OK. I promise.

Thank you for this. I know they’re going to be angry with me and I’m preparing for the worse.

Just listen to their anger. Let them be angry. You could consider counseling for them too (I’ll let you decide if it’s necessary), but just don’t get angry with them for being angry.

It will be OK!!

And to the naysayers, OP might not have been the instigator in all this. My ex took me to court (I was willing to do 50/50) because HE wanted sole custody. The court decided to give it to me instead. His fault for fighting when he could have been agreeable.

And, now your children suffer.

Yep, and because of it OP and I get the be the adults who do what we can to give the kids a stable upbringing. When one parent is insisting on sole custody, the courts DO NOT order 50/50 because it is not good for the kids to spend 50% of their time in a home with that much hostility. The courts award custody to the more adult of the parties and hope that person tries to foster a relationship with the other. In my case, the child has a good relationship with both myself and my ex. I don’t begrudge him that, and I work hard to do a good job.

It depends on the judge and court. Its amazing what promises judges will listen to as its easier and just go with what is easiest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is hard. You do damage control by being a strong and centered mom. You do damage control by letting them be angry with you and not retaliating. You do damage control by NEVER saying anything negative about their dad or their relationship with their dad.

I’ve been there, and it is SO HARD. But it is doable, and you will maintain a solid relationship with your kids this way.

Something I learned very early (I’ve been a single mom with sole legal/primary physical custody for more than 8 years) is that if you say something negative about dad it will harm the kids relationship WITH YOU. It won’t hurt their relationship with dad. The opposite is also true. I’m taking long term here - you prevent the damage by staying calm, centered, and by recognizing that you are mom and no one can replace you.

Play the long game. How your kids feel today or tomorrow or next month is less important than how they feel as an adult looking back. Be the adult, and everything will be OK. I promise.

Thank you for this. I know they’re going to be angry with me and I’m preparing for the worse.

Just listen to their anger. Let them be angry. You could consider counseling for them too (I’ll let you decide if it’s necessary), but just don’t get angry with them for being angry.

It will be OK!!

And to the naysayers, OP might not have been the instigator in all this. My ex took me to court (I was willing to do 50/50) because HE wanted sole custody. The court decided to give it to me instead. His fault for fighting when he could have been agreeable.

And, now your children suffer.

Whose fault is that? She was wiling to do 50/50. You think the kids wouldn't suffer if they were separated from the mother?

They suffer from being separated from either parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is hard. You do damage control by being a strong and centered mom. You do damage control by letting them be angry with you and not retaliating. You do damage control by NEVER saying anything negative about their dad or their relationship with their dad.

I’ve been there, and it is SO HARD. But it is doable, and you will maintain a solid relationship with your kids this way.

Something I learned very early (I’ve been a single mom with sole legal/primary physical custody for more than 8 years) is that if you say something negative about dad it will harm the kids relationship WITH YOU. It won’t hurt their relationship with dad. The opposite is also true. I’m taking long term here - you prevent the damage by staying calm, centered, and by recognizing that you are mom and no one can replace you.

Play the long game. How your kids feel today or tomorrow or next month is less important than how they feel as an adult looking back. Be the adult, and everything will be OK. I promise.

Thank you for this. I know they’re going to be angry with me and I’m preparing for the worse.

Just listen to their anger. Let them be angry. You could consider counseling for them too (I’ll let you decide if it’s necessary), but just don’t get angry with them for being angry.

It will be OK!!

And to the naysayers, OP might not have been the instigator in all this. My ex took me to court (I was willing to do 50/50) because HE wanted sole custody. The court decided to give it to me instead. His fault for fighting when he could have been agreeable.

And, now your children suffer.

Whose fault is that? She was wiling to do 50/50. You think the kids wouldn't suffer if they were separated from the mother?

They suffer from being separated from either parent.

OP didn't ask for sole, her ex did.