Reply to Separated for 2yrs—going from 50/50 to me being primary

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, this is hard. You do damage control by being a strong and centered mom. You do damage control by letting them be angry with you and not retaliating. You do damage control by NEVER saying anything negative about their dad or their relationship with their dad.

I’ve been there, and it is SO HARD. But it is doable, and you will maintain a solid relationship with your kids this way.

Something I learned very early (I’ve been a single mom with sole legal/primary physical custody for more than 8 years) is that if you say something negative about dad it will harm the kids relationship WITH YOU. It won’t hurt their relationship with dad. The opposite is also true. I’m taking long term here - you prevent the damage by staying calm, centered, and by recognizing that you are mom and no one can replace you.

Play the long game. How your kids feel today or tomorrow or next month is less important than how they feel as an adult looking back. Be the adult, and everything will be OK. I promise. [/quote]

Thank you for this. I know they’re going to be angry with me and I’m preparing for the worse.[/quote]

Just listen to their anger. Let them be angry. You could consider counseling for them too (I’ll let you decide if it’s necessary), but just don’t get angry with them for being angry.

It will be OK!!

And to the naysayers, OP might not have been the instigator in all this. My ex took me to court (I was willing to do 50/50) because HE wanted sole custody. The court decided to give it to me instead. His fault for fighting when he could have been agreeable. [/quote]

And, now your children suffer.[/quote]

Yep, and because of it OP and I get the be the adults who do what we can to give the kids a stable upbringing. When one parent is insisting on sole custody, the courts DO NOT order 50/50 because it is not good for the kids to spend 50% of their time in a home with that much hostility. The courts award custody to the more adult of the parties and hope that person tries to foster a relationship with the other. In my case, the child has a good relationship with both myself and my ex. I don’t begrudge him that, and I work hard to do a good job. [/quote]

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