Why don't people take emotional abuse seriously?

[Anonymous]

I would think because what constitutes emotional abuse is a large gray area.

Plus it is also intangible.

So unfair though!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too vague. Too many people crying "wolf."

Tighten up the definition and push back against people who use the term frivolously, and we'll have a better chance at identifying and stopping the serious abusers.

Oh, FFS, the problem is that people don't want to hear details, and the victim usually doesn't want to go over bit by bit how someone humiliated them or treated them in a dehuminizing way. And if they say in great detail what happened, people still don't believe them. It happens with adults who try to tell people a parent was emotionally abusive. No one believes them. And then even if you give sordid details, people don't really want to talk to you.

People don't even take physical abuse seriously. No one would've believed Porter's wife if she didn't have a photo of her black eye. And even then, some people still don't believe her. And that's even with the other ex-wife having a restraining order against him.

People don't believe victims. Even with the #metoo movement, it takes a lot for people to be believed. And beyond that, no one still really wants to do anything about it or talk about why all of this stuff happens.

No one wants to look at our value system or our power structure or even our workplaces (what behavior is rewarded v. what is punished). Bullies are promoted all of the time. Why? Because we reward that behavior -- the person who demeans others in order to have dominance. We reward it in women too, because it isn't just men who are abusive.

And we were all shocked -- shocked! -- that Trump won. He's the epitome of what is wrong with our society and his rise to the highest office in this country exemplifies how we over and over and over again reward horrible behavior and elevate bullies.

It's so frustrating. SO FRUSTRATING.

I'm sorry, OP. I'm sorry you were emotionally abused. And more than that, I'm sorry that no one is there for you to help you heal. Because that is the thing about emotional abuse: there are deep emotional scars that remain even when you've freed yourself from the abuser. It damages your psyche, your sense of self-worth. And it's really hard to rebuild that when you feel alone and invisible and, perhaps worst of all, just completely unloved.

+1000, very well stated! A symptom of how sick our society is

[Anonymous]

OP, I recognize you from your past posts. You really need to be working with a therapist, not posting on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to be honest that I may be guilty of this.

In my very limited and shallow experience, the people whom I know who have complained about emotional abuse usually say and do similar things to their spouses. And when you get down to it(in the cases that I know of) it is difficult to determine who is the victim and who is the abuser. Both spouses seem like victims and abusers to me, and I would usually suggest counselling.

Personally, I would leave an emotional abusive relationship fast, but I am not one to advise others to leave because in the cases that I know of, both spouses were emotionally abusive. So I figure maybe there is a way to teach them how to treat each other through therapy.

Physical abuse seems more dangerous, and usually it is clear that one spouse is doing most or all of the physical abuse and the other is taking the heat..

I'm a survivor of abuse, emotional abuse included.

I would vacillate between always agreeing with my abuser, apologizing, not standing up for myself, doing whatever I could do to "keep the peace." Other times, I would respond in kind - respond viciously, scream, rage etc. So yes, from time to time I also did what the abuser did, but I did not have the underlying pathology that drove me to see myself as "superior" to my partner, nor any desire to control his actions.

I can see what you're saying but I don't think it's common to have a situation in which both people are equally perpetuating abuse.

+1.

There is a cycle to abuse. But victims responding to that cycle don't make them abusers. This requires the detailed involvement of an expert in the field. It is very complicated. It's like punishing a child that is a 7 year old bully, who is being molested at home. Certainly, bullying is not okay. But certainly, punishing is not addressing the true problem here. The problem is the abuse. When that stops, the corresponding and problematic behavior usually follows soon after, with new learned principles and therapy.

[Anonymous]

As a victim of abuse, both physical, mental, and emotional, I can say that asking someone, who doesn't understand it, to detail the information around it is traumatic. You definitely don't want to feel like you have to prove and convince for support or validation of such a frightening experience.

Asking someone who is being abused, or is working through the trauma of abuse, is like watching them fearfully decide which stitches to pick out from their still seeming wound, while the (usually innocent) person wanting to "help" is standing by impatiently with school scissors and Elmer's glue.

Not worth it. This might also contribute to so many misperceptions around characteristics of viewing abuse from the outside looking in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need anyone else to support or understand your choices? You left, good for you. You don't need to justify that to anyone. Stop needing the approval of others. Do what you need to do.

I hear you. It would just be nice for my mother, for example, to empathize with what I've experienced. Her official take is she hasn't taken a side. It's painful and it would be nice to have people in my corner.

+ 1

[Anonymous]

OP, not asking for details if it’s traumatic for you, but given the many responses stating emotional abuse is different for everyone, I’m curious how you’re defining it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, not asking for details if it’s traumatic for you, but given the many responses stating emotional abuse is different for everyone, I’m curious how you’re defining it?

Telling me I'm a damaged person, have a personality disorder, have a memory problem, telling me I can't be trusted, telling me I'm bad with money. Going into a rage for keeping my preschooler home, going into a rage when I rearranged the furniture, going into a rage when I spent more than what he considered a "reasonable" amount at the grocery store - I was only ever "allowed" to spend money at the grocery store. Talking over me, telling me to listen (but not listening), threatening to end conversations if I didn't "watch my tone/lower my voice" (typically when I'm using a normal speaking voice), telling ME I'm in a rage when I'm not, jumping up and down in a rage (like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum), questioning why I did something over and over and over again. Lying to me, lying about me, minimizing/denying his actions, refusing to settle an issue, refusing to take responsibility, blaming me whenever he behaved badly. Screaming at me, being totally non-responsive when I would start to cry, acting superior and like he has all the answers, just basically always acting like he's a-okay and I'm a freak of nature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I recognize you from your past posts. You really need to be working with a therapist, not posting on DCUM.

Thanks!

I am working with a therapist. I'm also wondering why people don't take emotional abuse seriously, which is why I posted here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, not asking for details if it’s traumatic for you, but given the many responses stating emotional abuse is different for everyone, I’m curious how you’re defining it?

Telling me I'm a damaged person, have a personality disorder, have a memory problem, telling me I can't be trusted, telling me I'm bad with money. Going into a rage for keeping my preschooler home, going into a rage when I rearranged the furniture, going into a rage when I spent more than what he considered a "reasonable" amount at the grocery store - I was only ever "allowed" to spend money at the grocery store. Talking over me, telling me to listen (but not listening), threatening to end conversations if I didn't "watch my tone/lower my voice" (typically when I'm using a normal speaking voice), telling ME I'm in a rage when I'm not, jumping up and down in a rage (like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum), questioning why I did something over and over and over again. Lying to me, lying about me, minimizing/denying his actions, refusing to settle an issue, refusing to take responsibility, blaming me whenever he behaved badly. Screaming at me, being totally non-responsive when I would start to cry, acting superior and like he has all the answers, just basically always acting like he's a-okay and I'm a freak of nature.

DP. I'm so sorry OP. I wish I could give you a hug right now. I hope you consider counseling, because these things are really tough (and often self-defeating) to attempt work through alone.

Each of these things out of context, people could argue about it all day. But the aggregate picture is what makes it all wrong.

I'm proud of you for leaving, it takes a lot of courage. I pray you soon walk into your healing and path to true joy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I recognize you from your past posts. You really need to be working with a therapist, not posting on DCUM.

Thanks!

I am working with a therapist. I'm also wondering why people don't take emotional abuse seriously, which is why I posted here.

My suspicion is that most people are innocently ignorant of a) how often it occurs and b) the damage it causes to the victim and others. Which is why educational awareness is important.

Another suspicion is that some people may get defensive if they have learned, and demonstrated the behavior, whether as perpetuators or victims in a cycle that they may have been unaware of.

[Anonymous]

OP, we are all strangers. Strangers on the Internet. We don't know you, we've never met you, we've never spoken with you.

We didn't walk into your living room, demand to know the details of your abusive relationship, and then judge it/not empathize.

I don't understand how any rational adult can come on here, write a few posts, and expect to be 100% supported. We don't know you. We don't know what you've been through.

Get support from a THERAPIST and from FRIENDS. Why on Earth are you looking for validation from total strangers on the Internet? You are setting yourself up for failure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, we are all strangers. Strangers on the Internet. We don't know you, we've never met you, we've never spoken with you.

We didn't walk into your living room, demand to know the details of your abusive relationship, and then judge it/not empathize.

I don't understand how any rational adult can come on here, write a few posts, and expect to be 100% supported. We don't know you. We don't know what you've been through.

Get support from a THERAPIST and from FRIENDS. Why on Earth are you looking for validation from total strangers on the Internet? You are setting yourself up for failure.

She already said she is in therapy. She also clarified the intent of her post: to get outside perspective on why others may view emotional abuse as something to dismiss. Sounds to me like this could be a part of the therapeutic process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I recognize you from your past posts. You really need to be working with a therapist, not posting on DCUM.

Thanks!

I am working with a therapist. I'm also wondering why people don't take emotional abuse seriously, which is why I posted here.

Can you explain what do you mean by "people not take emotional abuse seriously"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to be honest that I may be guilty of this.

In my very limited and shallow experience, the people whom I know who have complained about emotional abuse usually say and do similar things to their spouses. And when you get down to it(in the cases that I know of) it is difficult to determine who is the victim and who is the abuser. Both spouses seem like victims and abusers to me, and I would usually suggest counselling.

Personally, I would leave an emotional abusive relationship fast, but I am not one to advise others to leave because in the cases that I know of, both spouses were emotionally abusive. So I figure maybe there is a way to teach them how to treat each other through therapy.

Physical abuse seems more dangerous, and usually it is clear that one spouse is doing most or all of the physical abuse and the other is taking the heat..

I'm a survivor of abuse, emotional abuse included.

I would vacillate between always agreeing with my abuser, apologizing, not standing up for myself, doing whatever I could do to "keep the peace." Other times, I would respond in kind - respond viciously, scream, rage etc. So yes, from time to time I also did what the abuser did, but I did not have the underlying pathology that drove me to see myself as "superior" to my partner, nor any desire to control his actions.

I can see what you're saying but I don't think it's common to have a situation in which both people are equally perpetuating abuse.

Yes, I did too. I think it makes it really confusing because, when you respond in kind, you begin to wonder if you're actually causing the problem, which confirms what he has been telling you all along. The thing is, when I stepped back, I saw that what set my DH and I apart were his lies and manipulation. Sure, we both insulted each other, but he would also make up stuff that caused me to doubt myself and made me insecure. And while I might call him an asshole or tell him I thought he had let himself go, he could go on a rampage of insults towards me that attacked every facet of my being- my looks, my life choices, my character, you name it. There were times when I sat there sobbing and he wouldn't stop. There was never a time when it was the other way around.