Why don't people take emotional abuse seriously?

[Anonymous]

Serious question. I've recently left a grossly emotionally abusive spouse and nobody seems to understand the gravity of this. Gas lighting, minimizing, insulting, controlling - I couldn't bear this any longer. However, when I posted here about my situation about a year ago, the consensus was overall - NBD. I also have friends and family who seem to think this is not a big deal. But it IS.

What say you?

[Anonymous]

People are ignorant...and they also treat mental health like it's not really related to well-being or some kind of liberal conspiracy. See our recent political discussion related to mental health and the way we treat (or fail to treat) combat veterans. It's why there are so many sociopaths and clinically insecure people in positions of power.

Congratulations on leaving your ex. It takes a lot of fortitude. I don't have good recommendations for supportive communities, but I'm sure they are out there.

[Anonymous]

I have no idea OP. I've worked around the field of domestic violence in various capacities for 20+ years, and without fail the physical injuries are noted and difficult and harmful, but it's the emotional harm that women I've worked with have the most difficulty dealing with. It harms your soul and how you see yourself and wonder if they're right, and what's wrong with you as a person, etc. I get it. I think a lot of us do, just the ignorant ones who mouth off here and elsewhere and don't know their ignorance seem to have the loudest voices sometimes.

Congratulations on leaving. I hope you heal and find happiness.

[Anonymous]

What upset my husband the most was that as a Domestic Violence Officer in Virginia, he could not do anything about emotional abuse when a victim came in. He retired in August, and until his last day it was one of the most frustrating things about his job. He had to turn them away unless there was physical abuse, and it hurt. He was also not able to help the men, because his grant was only for women. That also bothered him immensely. Laws need to be changed.

[Anonymous]

The problem is what is emotional abuse? Some people will yelling at your kid for running into the street emotional abuse. Some people would call not being able to answer the phone at work emotional abuse.

Others would define it as contining and ongoing attempts to humilitate people. Like, repeatately telling someone they are stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What upset my husband the most was that as a Domestic Violence Officer in Virginia, he could not do anything about emotional abuse when a victim came in. He retired in August, and until his last day it was one of the most frustrating things about his job. He had to turn them away unless there was physical abuse, and it hurt. He was also not able to help the men, because his grant was only for women. That also bothered him immensely. Laws need to be changed.

That sounds frustrating! That said, you must be so proud of his service. Quite noble.

[Anonymous]

I have to be honest that I may be guilty of this.

In my very limited and shallow experience, the people whom I know who have complained about emotional abuse usually say and do similar things to their spouses. And when you get down to it(in the cases that I know of) it is difficult to determine who is the victim and who is the abuser. Both spouses seem like victims and abusers to me, and I would usually suggest counselling.

Personally, I would leave an emotional abusive relationship fast, but I am not one to advise others to leave because in the cases that I know of, both spouses were emotionally abusive. So I figure maybe there is a way to teach them how to treat each other through therapy.

Physical abuse seems more dangerous, and usually it is clear that one spouse is doing most or all of the physical abuse and the other is taking the heat..

[Anonymous]

Why do you need anyone else to support or understand your choices? You left, good for you. You don't need to justify that to anyone. Stop needing the approval of others. Do what you need to do.

[Anonymous]

Because unless you've been through it, you really don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What upset my husband the most was that as a Domestic Violence Officer in Virginia, he could not do anything about emotional abuse when a victim came in. He retired in August, and until his last day it was one of the most frustrating things about his job. He had to turn them away unless there was physical abuse, and it hurt. He was also not able to help the men, because his grant was only for women. That also bothered him immensely. Laws need to be changed.

What grant that would support a police offer would only be for women? Not sure I know any. Certainly not through VAWA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to be honest that I may be guilty of this.

In my very limited and shallow experience, the people whom I know who have complained about emotional abuse usually say and do similar things to their spouses. And when you get down to it(in the cases that I know of) it is difficult to determine who is the victim and who is the abuser. Both spouses seem like victims and abusers to me, and I would usually suggest counselling.

Personally, I would leave an emotional abusive relationship fast, but I am not one to advise others to leave because in the cases that I know of, both spouses were emotionally abusive. So I figure maybe there is a way to teach them how to treat each other through therapy.

Physical abuse seems more dangerous, and usually it is clear that one spouse is doing most or all of the physical abuse and the other is taking the heat..

You bring up a good point. Abusive relationships involve two people who are both participating. I am not victim blaming here. It wasn't until I saw my role in an abusive relationship that I was able to get out of it. When I felt like a victim, things seemed hopeless. When I realized that I was participating in my abuse, I started to see that there was a way out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to be honest that I may be guilty of this.

In my very limited and shallow experience, the people whom I know who have complained about emotional abuse usually say and do similar things to their spouses. And when you get down to it(in the cases that I know of) it is difficult to determine who is the victim and who is the abuser. Both spouses seem like victims and abusers to me, and I would usually suggest counselling.

Personally, I would leave an emotional abusive relationship fast, but I am not one to advise others to leave because in the cases that I know of, both spouses were emotionally abusive. So I figure maybe there is a way to teach them how to treat each other through therapy.

Physical abuse seems more dangerous, and usually it is clear that one spouse is doing most or all of the physical abuse and the other is taking the heat..

I'm a survivor of abuse, emotional abuse included.

I would vacillate between always agreeing with my abuser, apologizing, not standing up for myself, doing whatever I could do to "keep the peace." Other times, I would respond in kind - respond viciously, scream, rage etc. So yes, from time to time I also did what the abuser did, but I did not have the underlying pathology that drove me to see myself as "superior" to my partner, nor any desire to control his actions.

I can see what you're saying but I don't think it's common to have a situation in which both people are equally perpetuating abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Serious question. I've recently left a grossly emotionally abusive spouse and nobody seems to understand the gravity of this. Gas lighting, minimizing, insulting, controlling - I couldn't bear this any longer. However, when I posted here about my situation about a year ago, the consensus was overall - NBD. I also have friends and family who seem to think this is not a big deal. But it IS.

What say you?

If you posted here, I'm sure there were people who took it seriously. You will always have a chunk of people for whom it's normalized behavior. You will also have a chunk of people who haven't been exposed to it, and are clueless. The rest of us get it.

Your friends and family who think it's normal or minor or incomprehensible fall into those categories, and you probably are wasting your time trying to enlighten them. Focus on your healing, your life, and having people around you who get it. The ones who don't are people you need to keep at arm's length, for your own sake. It's hard enough to heal and come back from an emotionally abusive relationship. You don't need to add to your battles. Down the road things may come to light as you think about how you grew up and what was considered normal in your family.

[Anonymous]

I searched this board for emotional abuse, and I didn't see NBD attitude. It's full of suggestions to run and to leave the relationship.
What kind of understanding are you looking for? Do you want to rehash the bad days with your friends? Do you need to talk about the past over and over again? You are out, there is nothing to talk about. When you are in and not leaving, then again, there is nothing to talk about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need anyone else to support or understand your choices? You left, good for you. You don't need to justify that to anyone. Stop needing the approval of others. Do what you need to do.

I hear you. It would just be nice for my mother, for example, to empathize with what I've experienced. Her official take is she hasn't taken a side. It's painful and it would be nice to have people in my corner.