Why don't people take emotional abuse seriously?

[Anonymous]

It is a big deal, but it's hard to tell the difference between garden variety a-hole behavior and emotional abuse. When something is rampant in society, it becomes normalized. There is not really a consequence for an emotional abuser. You leave them, and they just find someone else. They don't learn to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need anyone else to support or understand your choices? You left, good for you. You don't need to justify that to anyone. Stop needing the approval of others. Do what you need to do.

I hear you. It would just be nice for my mother, for example, to empathize with what I've experienced. Her official take is she hasn't taken a side. It's painful and it would be nice to have people in my corner.

I'm sorry. That must be difficult. You can only control what you can control. I hope you have friends, or cousins, or co-workers, or a few core people in your life in whom you can confide. You can't control how others react to this situation.

[Anonymous]

If your mother won't take your side, you might want to explore that with a therapist. Your mother's normalizing abusive behavior and not having your back have a lot to do with how you got here.

[Anonymous]

Because nowadays everything is “abuse” and it’s en vogue to be a victim.

[Anonymous]

It's also harder to "prove." With physical abuse, photos of bruises are taken, hospital reports are obtained, etc. It's not just one person's word vs another. It isn't right, but it's part of the issue.

[Anonymous]

My husband is emotionally abusive. I have a little baby though, so I deal with it. When my son is older, i’ll leave. Luckily I have pre-marital savings so I can leave if things get worse or physical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Serious question. I've recently left a grossly emotionally abusive spouse and nobody seems to understand the gravity of this. Gas lighting, minimizing, insulting, controlling - I couldn't bear this any longer. However, when I posted here about my situation about a year ago, the consensus was overall - NBD. I also have friends and family who seem to think this is not a big deal. But it IS.

What say you?

What constitutes abuse that isn't physical is somewhat subjective. Obviously the more egregious the easier it is but for each person what they would classify as abuse others might scoff at. You can get pissed and yell in a blowing off steam thing and I DGAS but some might break down in tears and board the depression bus over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need anyone else to support or understand your choices? You left, good for you. You don't need to justify that to anyone. Stop needing the approval of others. Do what you need to do.

I hear you. It would just be nice for my mother, for example, to empathize with what I've experienced. Her official take is she hasn't taken a side. It's painful and it would be nice to have people in my corner.

I think it can be a difficult position for those who were close to both to you and your ex. Especially if the breakup is fairly new, they may be thinking that you're badmouthing your spouse now, but one day you may possibly get back together again, and then you’ll think badly of them if they spoke negatively of your partner. Or you may blame them for not speaking up about any bad behavior they saw sooner. So they just choose to keep quiet instead.

There still is also a lot of ignorance about what abuse is. And for people who have never been through it, maybe they just don’t know what you need.

[Anonymous]

There is more subjectivity to what constitutes emotional abuse. Virtually everyone agrees that hitting someone is abuse. Exactly where the line is for emotional abuse is more difficult to define.

Also, some people, unfortunately, have been known to exaggerate how their ex was "emotionally abusive." It's just a term that has been overused to the point where people tend to treat it with a grain of salt.

Almost everyone does things at times that could constitute "emotional abuse" in the eyes of some. This is not the case with physical abuse.

[Anonymous]

Too vague. Too many people crying "wolf."

Tighten up the definition and push back against people who use the term frivolously, and we'll have a better chance at identifying and stopping the serious abusers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need anyone else to support or understand your choices? You left, good for you. You don't need to justify that to anyone. Stop needing the approval of others. Do what you need to do.

Because we are social animals, pack animals. So, yes, it matters what other people think.

I'm so freaking tired of this "you shouldn't care what others think!" And then a million threads about how people should act, things people should do, and all.the.judgment.

People don't take emotional abuse seriously. Look at the threads where people say they have to cut off parents who emotionally abused them. They get tons of guilt-tripping about it.

It's a shame. People also don't take mental health seriously. They assume it must be the person's fault.

At the end of the day, we're all alone. People will be fake nice until the cows come home, but when you're hurting, when you are down, when you're being mistreated, when you really need other people, that's when they become indifferent or, worse, hostile to you because, you know, it must be your fault that you're not just sailing through life.

People suck.

[Anonymous]

Because it leaves no evidence of trauma, so people prefer to discount it.

Because emotional abuse can be different to different people, there is no one standard.

Because there is a fear, probably unfounded, that women are claiming it falsely. Just like for ADHD, where some people think it's overdiagnosed and act dismissively of that label as a result.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Too vague. Too many people crying "wolf."

Tighten up the definition and push back against people who use the term frivolously, and we'll have a better chance at identifying and stopping the serious abusers.

Oh, FFS, the problem is that people don't want to hear details, and the victim usually doesn't want to go over bit by bit how someone humiliated them or treated them in a dehuminizing way. And if they say in great detail what happened, people still don't believe them. It happens with adults who try to tell people a parent was emotionally abusive. No one believes them. And then even if you give sordid details, people don't really want to talk to you.

People don't even take physical abuse seriously. No one would've believed Porter's wife if she didn't have a photo of her black eye. And even then, some people still don't believe her. And that's even with the other ex-wife having a restraining order against him.

People don't believe victims. Even with the #metoo movement, it takes a lot for people to be believed. And beyond that, no one still really wants to do anything about it or talk about why all of this stuff happens.

No one wants to look at our value system or our power structure or even our workplaces (what behavior is rewarded v. what is punished). Bullies are promoted all of the time. Why? Because we reward that behavior -- the person who demeans others in order to have dominance. We reward it in women too, because it isn't just men who are abusive.

And we were all shocked -- shocked! -- that Trump won. He's the epitome of what is wrong with our society and his rise to the highest office in this country exemplifies how we over and over and over again reward horrible behavior and elevate bullies.

It's so frustrating. SO FRUSTRATING.

I'm sorry, OP. I'm sorry you were emotionally abused. And more than that, I'm sorry that no one is there for you to help you heal. Because that is the thing about emotional abuse: there are deep emotional scars that remain even when you've freed yourself from the abuser. It damages your psyche, your sense of self-worth. And it's really hard to rebuild that when you feel alone and invisible and, perhaps worst of all, just completely unloved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need anyone else to support or understand your choices? You left, good for you. You don't need to justify that to anyone. Stop needing the approval of others. Do what you need to do.

I hear you. It would just be nice for my mother, for example, to empathize with what I've experienced. Her official take is she hasn't taken a side. It's painful and it would be nice to have people in my corner.

Serious question: was your mother and/or father emotional abusive to you? what was their relationship like?

It's possible she won't acknowledge it because that would mean that she'd have to call it out in other places of her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need anyone else to support or understand your choices? You left, good for you. You don't need to justify that to anyone. Stop needing the approval of others. Do what you need to do.

Because we are social animals, pack animals. So, yes, it matters what other people think.

I'm so freaking tired of this "you shouldn't care what others think!" And then a million threads about how people should act, things people should do, and all.the.judgment.

People don't take emotional abuse seriously. Look at the threads where people say they have to cut off parents who emotionally abused them. They get tons of guilt-tripping about it.

It's a shame. People also don't take mental health seriously. They assume it must be the person's fault.

At the end of the day, we're all alone. People will be fake nice until the cows come home, but when you're hurting, when you are down, when you're being mistreated, when you really need other people, that's when they become indifferent or, worse, hostile to you because, you know, it must be your fault that you're not just sailing through life.

People suck.

I doubt nobody offered help. It's more likely you didn't take it. People love helping, but will not drag you out of your misery. People don't like listening to the same complaints without action. You have to accept help and You have to actually do things yourself.