I want to feel like my husband actually cares

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was with you on the soup thing, but you lost me with your church complaint. Going to church is obviously your choice, yet you think that your husband should do chores while you're there? First thing in the morning on a weekend? Do you think he needs penance for not attending church when you think he should?

Now, if you said the two of you had agreed to do an hour of household chores together every Sunday, and then he sat on the couch the whole time, I'd be more sympathetic.

I don't care when he does the chores but given that our 1 year old is not home it's the ideal time to do something. He takes a 2-3 hour nap w/ our toddler when we come home from church. It just frustrates me that he doesn't do anything. He could pick up toys, sweep crumbs, fold the laundry instead of throwing it on the sofa.

[Anonymous]

Get his testosterone levels checked.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my ex-husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What - you can't pick up the phone and schedule Postmates or AmazonFresh deliveries?

I'm single and that's what *I* would do. When you have a spouse you should be able to count on them to take care of you after surgery.

+1 what’s the point of being married if you can’t rely on each other in time of need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was with you on the soup thing, but you lost me with your church complaint. Going to church is obviously your choice, yet you think that your husband should do chores while you're there? First thing in the morning on a weekend? Do you think he needs penance for not attending church when you think he should?

Now, if you said the two of you had agreed to do an hour of household chores together every Sunday, and then he sat on the couch the whole time, I'd be more sympathetic.

I don't care when he does the chores but given that our 1 year old is not home it's the ideal time to do something. He takes a 2-3 hour nap w/ our toddler when we come home from church. It just frustrates me that he doesn't do anything. He could pick up toys, sweep crumbs, fold the laundry instead of throwing it on the sofa.

If you don't care when he gets some things done - a fair and mutually agreed upon set of chores, not an edict - then don't bitch when he chills out. Bitch when things aren't done as mutually agreed upon: by Sunday night in time for the workweek maybe.

[Anonymous]

Did you make a thread about your husband being an a**hole during your c-section? I feel like I remember one on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you make a thread about your husband being an a**hole during your c-section? I feel like I remember one on that.

No I didn't find this website until after I became a mom. My husband is a contractor. He doesn't like to take time off work but how often does someone have a baby? He went into work while I was still in the hospital. It was mind blowing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow posters are harsh! Did you thank him for picking you up? Did he leave his job for that? If so that’s very thoughtful! Be appreciative of what you do get not what’s you don’t!

You sure have high standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't pout and give him the silent treatment, just stop doing things for him. Don't do his laundry, don't fold his laundry, don't cook for him, etc. If he asks tell him you'll be ready for a marriage when he wants to have one.

Op here. This is a a good idea.

Possibly. Just be prepared that he may call your bluff.

NP, to avoid this, I think OP should ease into it, not go cold turkey. Of course, not do anything she shouldn't be doing post-surgery, but when she gets back to normal, cut back slowly. Also, OP, you know how he is so you need to stop relying on him for anything.

[Anonymous]

He did try to get you tomato soup and pick you up at least, even though you didn't want tomato soup. He sounds stretched beyond his abilities. In the grand scheme of things, you have a 1 year old so you are probably both sleep deprived. His brain is not functioning. He needs naps, he's too lazy to use his body, he goes to Panera and eats and then totally forgets why he's there in the first place, he is not even listening to you when you told him a zillion times to get broccoli soup. I keep like 6 things of chicken and beef broth in my pantry for times like these. If he still acts like this when your kids are school age, it doesn't bode well. I'd let it go because you are cranky because you just had surgery and you have a small child. Just prepare better next time and don't expect him to do anything useful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He did try to get you tomato soup and pick you up at least, even though you didn't want tomato soup. He sounds stretched beyond his abilities. In the grand scheme of things, you have a 1 year old so you are probably both sleep deprived. His brain is not functioning. He needs naps, he's too lazy to use his body, he goes to Panera and eats and then totally forgets why he's there in the first place, he is not even listening to you when you told him a zillion times to get broccoli soup. I keep like 6 things of chicken and beef broth in my pantry for times like these. If he still acts like this when your kids are school age, it doesn't bode well. I'd let it go because you are cranky because you just had surgery and you have a small child. Just prepare better next time and don't expect him to do anything useful.

You are missing the points.

OP did prepare soft foods, but the post-op instructions were more limiting than she expected. And it's not that she doesn't *want* tomato soup, it's that she's not allowed to eat it per those limited post-op instructions.

This really does seem like a situation where the best-laid plans can go awry. And you need to be able to rely on your partner to help with those things. I guess a useful question to ask is whether, if something similar happened with their son, OP thinks her DH would step up. Her gut response will be very telling as to the extent to which she believes her DH cares deep down. For me, DH would never be as absent-minded as OP's, but I could see him getting the wrong order (though usually he'd call to confirm). And I truly believe he'd be just as likely to make the same kinds of mistakes for our kids, or even himself, as he would for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow posters are harsh! Did you thank him for picking you up? Did he leave his job for that? If so that’s very thoughtful! Be appreciative of what you do get not what’s you don’t!

OP here. Thank him for picking me up from the hospital? You can't be serious.

NP here. But yes, of COURSE I'd thank my husband for picking me up at the hospital, and of COURSE he'd be all like WTF of COURSE I'll pick you up at the hospital! Just because he SHOULD be doing it doesn't mean you don't still appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had major surgery yesterday. Asked dh to pick up soups from Panera on his way to pick me up from the hotel. Apparently he went to Panera to eat lunch and forgot about my soup. I was starving and had nothing at home prepared. I'm on a liquid diet. I also go to church every Sunday with our 1 year old and I've asked him many times to help with housework. He sits on his ass the entire time. Last Sunday he had the laundry stacked up on the sofa when I came home. It doesn't occur to him to fold the laundry himself. The soup thing made me feel so sad. I'm stuck at home because I need to take the pain medication. He was also an ass during my c section too. He doesn't understand that most people take off work when their spouses have major surgery. I have been refusing to talk to him since yesterday. I know it's immature but I done explaining things to him.

I am sorry this is happening to you. It is important to talk things through respectfully with each other not to alienate each other. Ignoring him isn’t going to prove your point at all, discussing things with him will. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adhd. My spouse can’t remember anything unless it’s hisnown thing for himself. Life’s a struggle when you can’t rely on your “life partner” for anything large or small.

Even if it's adhd or whatever we have a million tools now to help us adult. There are calendar reminders, alarms, note apps. Those of us that are married or have kids use them to combat our shortcomings for the people we care about.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m so sorry you’re not being taken care of. He is your spouse. He should be handling everything in the household while you rest. (Most) men are hopeless in this department, and when I hear of one who isn’t, I’m so jealous. I don’t want to be parented by my spouse, simply taken care of like I take care of him.

My birthday just passed and I have been direct with him for years that, just as I bake him a cake, it’s nice if he gets me one as well. I don’t expect anything homemade, just something to show it’s a birthday. I have not been passive aggressive, but instead kindly direct. He came home on my bday with takeout, and my 4 y/o son innocently asked where the cake was (even he knows it’s a tradition for everyone to have a cake on their birthday) and he was like “daddy can’t do everything!” All out of breath like he was a superhero for getting takeout.

There are posters on here who act like it’s wrong to want ANYTHING for yourself, which is the story we have been fed as wives and mothers for generations. And it’s bullshit. You have a right to be taken care of, OP.