I think that my husband wants our kids to be failures

[Anonymous]

If your kids are failing and lack discipline, YOU are also to blame.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is hard to be married to another child. I have seen DHs who undermine their wives entirely, even laughing when she gently corrects or disciplines the children. It is immature and ridiculous. If you can't be the parent, then you don't deserve to have kids. I feel like telling those friends to divorce and take all the money. No reason not to (in most cases, the money is the wives' families, anyway).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is hard to be married to another child. I have seen DHs who undermine their wives entirely, even laughing when she gently corrects or disciplines the children. It is immature and ridiculous. If you can't be the parent, then you don't deserve to have kids. I feel like telling those friends to divorce and take all the money. No reason not to (in most cases, the money is the wives' families, anyway).

Um this is OP, your description is spot on, including the money thing. I cringed when I read this. He does laugh sometimes. Also, it is no accident that my family and I have the money, we work harder. I never took this into consideration when we married. Never.
My son is at an age where he is getting more and more out of control. He sees that he has a weak father (son will soon be much much bigger than his father). Already telling his sister (who tells me) that he plans to experiment with drugs. I have told my son that if he uses drugs we will separate as a family and that I will not support him through college. I tell him other things too, so please don't flame me. I do all the anti drug things that parents are supposed to do. But I guess my point is that drug use would be the straw to break my back.

[Anonymous]

Why would you divorce your DH if your son does drugs? That's like divorcing your son and blaming him for his father's mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is hard to be married to another child. I have seen DHs who undermine their wives entirely, even laughing when she gently corrects or disciplines the children. It is immature and ridiculous. If you can't be the parent, then you don't deserve to have kids. I feel like telling those friends to divorce and take all the money. No reason not to (in most cases, the money is the wives' families, anyway).

Um this is OP, your description is spot on, including the money thing. I cringed when I read this. He does laugh sometimes. Also, it is no accident that my family and I have the money, we work harder. I never took this into consideration when we married. Never.
My son is at an age where he is getting more and more out of control. He sees that he has a weak father (son will soon be much much bigger than his father). Already telling his sister (who tells me) that he plans to experiment with drugs. I have told my son that if he uses drugs we will separate as a family and that I will not support him through college. I tell him other things too, so please don't flame me. I do all the anti drug things that parents are supposed to do. But I guess my point is that drug use would be the straw to break my back.

my spouse does nothing. Kids acting up, breaking things, whining, asking for too much - he just ignores it and wonders why they escalate and continue it. he usually caves in and does whatever they ask for. Been this way for 6 years now of kids. He refuses to do any parenting, zero goals for our kids. He hates sports, has no hobbies, has no friends since we moved 10 years ago here. Bizarre.

weak and ineffective father. I recall him telling stories about how he, his mom and his brother would always ignore his father's crazy non-sensical things. i work full-time so don't think I could "do everything on earth for the family" while towing a deadweight like she did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses. Yes my husband actually argues in front of me telling them that I’m asking too much of them and that kids do fine if they are left alone. I can only assume that he is stupid, hates me, or hates the kids. Or all of the previous.
I am really scared of divorce.
I will take some of the advice given. I will sit down with the kids and carefully explain why I do what I do. I might still be labeled the meanie but I have no choice. It is hardon my kids. Two completely different parents.

I think you posted about this problem before, you and your husband desperately need marriage counseling. The fact that you don't see eye-to-eye on parenting issues and think the worst of him means your mariage needs a lot of work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Desire has to come from within. Browbeating children into compliance with a cloud of dissaproval wont work. The days when there were spankings were healthier. The constant emotional pressure is more damaging than a short spanking that happens and is over. All these kids are going to end up in therapy hating on the helicopter .

Wait so it's okay to spank a child into compliance then? You are totally contradicting yourself here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is hard to be married to another child. I have seen DHs who undermine their wives entirely, even laughing when she gently corrects or disciplines the children. It is immature and ridiculous. If you can't be the parent, then you don't deserve to have kids. I feel like telling those friends to divorce and take all the money. No reason not to (in most cases, the money is the wives' families, anyway).

Um this is OP, your description is spot on, including the money thing. I cringed when I read this. He does laugh sometimes. Also, it is no accident that my family and I have the money, we work harder. I never took this into consideration when we married. Never.
My son is at an age where he is getting more and more out of control. He sees that he has a weak father (son will soon be much much bigger than his father). Already telling his sister (who tells me) that he plans to experiment with drugs. I have told my son that if he uses drugs we will separate as a family and that I will not support him through college. I tell him other things too, so please don't flame me. I do all the anti drug things that parents are supposed to do. But I guess my point is that drug use would be the straw to break my back.

my spouse does nothing. Kids acting up, breaking things, whining, asking for too much - he just ignores it and wonders why they escalate and continue it. he usually caves in and does whatever they ask for. Been this way for 6 years now of kids. He refuses to do any parenting, zero goals for our kids. He hates sports, has no hobbies, has no friends since we moved 10 years ago here. Bizarre.

weak and ineffective father. I recall him telling stories about how he, his mom and his brother would always ignore his father's crazy non-sensical things. i work full-time so don't think I could "do everything on earth for the family" while towing a deadweight like she did.

+1

Lots of dads have unresolved issues from their fathers. It weighs the family down, but I think the dads like emulating their dysfunctional fathers - it makes them feel complete or "full circle", in a destructive way, but they don't see it like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do have to be the bad cop. I am, but I'm also the reliable one, the one who arranges play dates, helps with homework, makes lunches, can handle tough situations, etc., etc. You will (eventually) be seen as the one who cares. Dad may be fun at times, but it's mom who can be counted on. Can you arrange your schedule to be home earlier and make sure homework is done before dh even gets home?

So cool, you do absolutely everything for no appreciation from your tag along so-nothing spouse. Awesome

I'm another one of these spouses who do everything for their kids with no help from the other adult. And one of my children has special needs. My husband has actively tried to sabotage my efforts to help him.

I don't appreciate your sarcasm.

why stay in this "marriage?' are you still attracted to him, can rely on him, respect him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is hard to be married to another child. I have seen DHs who undermine their wives entirely, even laughing when she gently corrects or disciplines the children. It is immature and ridiculous. If you can't be the parent, then you don't deserve to have kids. I feel like telling those friends to divorce and take all the money. No reason not to (in most cases, the money is the wives' families, anyway).

Um this is OP, your description is spot on, including the money thing. I cringed when I read this. He does laugh sometimes. Also, it is no accident that my family and I have the money, we work harder. I never took this into consideration when we married. Never.
My son is at an age where he is getting more and more out of control. He sees that he has a weak father (son will soon be much much bigger than his father). Already telling his sister (who tells me) that he plans to experiment with drugs. I have told my son that if he uses drugs we will separate as a family and that I will not support him through college. I tell him other things too, so please don't flame me. I do all the anti drug things that parents are supposed to do. But I guess my point is that drug use would be the straw to break my back.

my spouse does nothing. Kids acting up, breaking things, whining, asking for too much - he just ignores it and wonders why they escalate and continue it. he usually caves in and does whatever they ask for. Been this way for 6 years now of kids. He refuses to do any parenting, zero goals for our kids. He hates sports, has no hobbies, has no friends since we moved 10 years ago here. Bizarre.

weak and ineffective father. I recall him telling stories about how he, his mom and his brother would always ignore his father's crazy non-sensical things. i work full-time so don't think I could "do everything on earth for the family" while towing a deadweight like she did.

+1

Lots of dads have unresolved issues from their fathers. It weighs the family down, but I think the dads like emulating their dysfunctional fathers - it makes them feel complete or "full circle", in a destructive way, but they don't see it like that.

agree. sadly agree.

[Anonymous]

I'm 12:42 (first page).

My own husband has very different, but very serious issues. I have zero problems explaining his behavior to the children, and why I don't agree with him, and why the children should do what I say, not what he says.

When a marriage is in distress like this, and parents don't work as a team, the one who has the children's trust wins. It's the work of many years, OP.You can't start too early. You have to prove to them that you are there for the no matter what, and are willing to spend time with them and help them. You have to be more persuasive, in both word and action.

Don't think that children prefer the lax parent! Kids love people who they see acting on their behalf. They don't necessarily appreciate the car driver who never talks to them, they appreciate the one putting aside their own work to explain the math homework in a loving (not screaming) way. When trust is there, children are perfectly ready to accept a stricter form of parenting.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read any of the responses, and I don't know the age of your children. However - I really don't push my children either (granted - they are still young, oldest is in K), and I definitely pick my battles in terms of discipline. And I am the disciplinarian in our family. I come from a family where my dad was super controlling and dictator-like, and beat us into submission. I am trying to find my way still with parenting, but so far, my general philosophy is to get out of the way and let our kids be who they are, enjoy them while they are in our care, and prepare them for the world.

I don't think we will push too hard academically - in fact, not every kid is meant for academics. DH's dad was an over-the-top, fly-off-the-handle perfectionist that beat him down if he got anything but straight As.