I think that my husband wants our kids to be failures

[Anonymous]

OP, you say he expects nothing of them, but what does he do WITH them? Here are examples of what I mean.

Does he say: "Don't do your homework"
Or does he say nothing to encourage homework and then does not bother to ask later, "Did you do it? Let me see it/let's check it" etc.?

Do you see the difference there, OP?

So, does he say: "Did your mom tell you to do that chore? Forget it, it's dumb"
Or does he say nothing to THEM when he sees them doing a chore but he comes to YOU and is angry at you?

And so on. In other words, is he interacting with them directly in ways that clearly say to them, do not do homework, do not do chores, do not bathe; or is he instead not being proactive about giving them the directions to "Start your homework/start chore X now/get into the shower in five minutes"?

If he actively tells them not to do specific things you have just told them to do, or if he actually (Lord, I hope not) interrupts them at homework to distract them away to whatever HE wants to do with them--you have a serious problem because he is not just undermining you, he is undermining their teachers and even their health (hygiene).

If he isn't actively telling them to resist homework and chores etc., but is instead just ignoring those things and never instructing the kids to do them -- meaning you always have to say "do this, do that" and he just says nothing -- he is less undermining of your authority but is oblivious to the fact their teachers need them to do homework, their bodies need basic hygiene, the house needs everyone pitching in for things to function, etc.

Which is the case, if you look at it in detail? Does he actively undermine and contradict you to them, or does he just neglect the things that are just basically important day to day without saying much, or is it some of both? I'm just suggesting that you dig into when and how he does these things. He sounds almost as if he wants his kids to stay little kids without the obligations of school or chores. Does he want them to focus on him instead of on their homework or chores? Does he, for himself, not care much about his own hygiene so he doesn't think they need to be so clean and he says you're overly focused on cleanliness? Does he ever do a "Let the kids BE kids" speech to you when he's angry that you're asking them to do X or Y? I would wonder if he's somehow thinking they don't need to "grow up so fast" etc. or if he even sees them as his playmates, in a sense, and wants them focused on him.
Your marriage sounds like a candidate for both couples and individual therapy if you want to stay married, but would he ever consider going to therapy?

Meanwhile, can you distract him almost like you would a kid--? I'd find ways for him to be otherwise occupied while you tell the kids it's homework time or chore time. Push him out the door to the store (unless...he won't even do that "chore" himself?) or otherwise get him out of the house. I agree with PPs that if you divorce he might let the kids be extremely slack on his watch to the point they want to be with fun dad and not real-world mom.

[Anonymous]

He probably does NOTHING. Which includes no parenting.

Being the pushover parent and/or doing zero parenting because you're too lazy, too into cutting corners, too selfish is horrible. Your kid and their futures will absolutely suffer.

I'm sorry he doesn't have any dad friends that are out their practicing sports with their kids, teaching them things, instilling good habits and being a great role model.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're the parent, too. Are you not capable of making your children follow your rules? Surely he's not the only parent with them 24/7.

He sounds like a deadweight. Kids love that cuz then they rule the roost and Mom, the only parent around, is the bad guy.

these are the type of "men" NOT to marry, NOT to have kids with and very possibly NOT to stay married too. Stop the cycle.

[Anonymous]

You do have to be the bad cop. I am, but I'm also the reliable one, the one who arranges play dates, helps with homework, makes lunches, can handle tough situations, etc., etc. You will (eventually) be seen as the one who cares. Dad may be fun at times, but it's mom who can be counted on. Can you arrange your schedule to be home earlier and make sure homework is done before dh even gets home?

[Anonymous]

"it is difficult when your DH had rotten, abusive, depressed, anti-supportive (nothing was good enough) parents and consequently DH doesn't know/care to parent."

Often DH's parent's were likely the same way. I would even suggest that the OP's parents may have been similar or else she would not have been interested in DH.

But now OP has seen at least some of the light. My suggestion is that much of what you need to do OP applies to both DH and your DC. They all need some amount of expectations to be set.

Instead of trying to put your expectations on them, try asking them about what they want and then holding them to doing what they said they wanted to do.

For example if your DC is getting a C in math, I doubt they are happy about it. They don't like to see most every one around them getting better grades.

You can ask them if they understand that not doing their homework is related to getting Cs. You have to work up to behavior changes slowly or you are going to get ignored.

The thing is there are lots of things your DC want, that the world says they are going to have to work to get. You don't have to get them (and your DH) all working hard next week.

As long as your DC grow up knowing that work is the answer to many problems, it doesn't matter that 90-95% of the time they don't follow through.

It is hugely important that they have the 5-10% of the times in their lives where they work their way out of holes created by the lazy times.

I haven't heard anything yet that suggests you can't provide them with those good examples.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
How does he explain his mindset?

My friend's husband is similar. He was self-driven as a child with non-interventionist parents, and thinks everyone should have that family schematic. That if the kid doesn't want it for himself, then it's no good helicoptering.

Which is so wrong of him. His child has thrown up red flags for dyslexia and ADHD ever since early elementary, and he has always refused to have her evaluated. Then he says "she's not academic, it's fine". It breaks my heart, because my son struggled with similar handicaps, and we got him evaluated and treated, and he is now successful in school and every door is open for him.

So what's wrong with your friend? Is there a reason she isn't getting her child assessed? How does one parent's 'refusal' result in an actual lack of access to assessment? Is she an abused wife? She can pull the kid out of school and go to some drs!

OP is your husband wealthy and he plans on bankrolling your kids for life? If not, I don't understand his logic. Does he know how much crippling them will cost him? If he doesn't care for their futures on an emotional level, maybe he will care for his on a financial level.

Responding to the bolded. You know how it is in a couple, right? When one partner is firmly convinced of something, and puts the brakes hard on a decision, it can be challenging for the other to surmount that psychological obstacle. My friend got a reference from me, she made a first appointment (parent interview with psych), then her husband insisted on coming too and actually yelled at the psychologist... And since then, nothing. I believe they have convinced themselves she's just not bright. Which is incorrect, and sad. But I'm just the friend and I've already intervened enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the problem is his parenting style, and not your relationship with him, I don't see how giving him half time full autonomy with the children solves a single problem. And it seems like teens will want to spend more than half time with the "fun" parent.

I am not sure what the solution is, but you would be surprised at how much this kind of dynamic affects the kids.

I have a friend whose kids thinks she is a bitch and their dad is perfect because he is like OP's husband.

I sincerely think that her kids would be better off in two separate houses(divorced parents) with different expectations than this mess where their parents disagree on parenting(imagine a guy with a phd arguing that teenagers should not be asked to read-"they will read if they feel like it."

I never suggest divorce because I am not sure if I am right about divorcing as a solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do have to be the bad cop. I am, but I'm also the reliable one, the one who arranges play dates, helps with homework, makes lunches, can handle tough situations, etc., etc. You will (eventually) be seen as the one who cares. Dad may be fun at times, but it's mom who can be counted on. Can you arrange your schedule to be home earlier and make sure homework is done before dh even gets home?

So cool, you do absolutely everything for no appreciation from your tag along so-nothing spouse. Awesome

[Anonymous]

My mother was super controlling, to the point of being abusive. She still tries to be controlling, but I don’t play along anymore. My parenting style is relaxed. I’m lucky that my teen makes good decisions. I only step in when it’s needed, which is not very often. Kids, especially teens, need to learn to make decisions, and the cost of good and bad decisions.

I was more militant when she was younger. That’s my biggest regret of parenting. Not only was it bad for our relationship, she was less likely to do things if it wasn’t of her own accord.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother was super controlling, to the point of being abusive. She still tries to be controlling, but I don’t play along anymore. My parenting style is relaxed. I’m lucky that my teen makes good decisions. I only step in when it’s needed, which is not very often. Kids, especially teens, need to learn to make decisions, and the cost of good and bad decisions.

I was more militant when she was younger. That’s my biggest regret of parenting. Not only was it bad for our relationship, she was less likely to do things if it wasn’t of her own accord.

There is a diference between being a layed back parent vs. a parent with absolutely no expectations.

Believe me: it's hard to understand this until you meet such a parent.

[Anonymous]

Previous poster here. I meant laid-back not layed back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do have to be the bad cop. I am, but I'm also the reliable one, the one who arranges play dates, helps with homework, makes lunches, can handle tough situations, etc., etc. You will (eventually) be seen as the one who cares. Dad may be fun at times, but it's mom who can be counted on. Can you arrange your schedule to be home earlier and make sure homework is done before dh even gets home?

So cool, you do absolutely everything for no appreciation from your tag along so-nothing spouse. Awesome

I'm another one of these spouses who do everything for their kids with no help from the other adult. And one of my children has special needs. My husband has actively tried to sabotage my efforts to help him.

I don't appreciate your sarcasm.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the responses. Yes my husband actually argues in front of me telling them that I’m asking too much of them and that kids do fine if they are left alone. I can only assume that he is stupid, hates me, or hates the kids. Or all of the previous.
I am really scared of divorce.
I will take some of the advice given. I will sit down with the kids and carefully explain why I do what I do. I might still be labeled the meanie but I have no choice. It is hardon my kids. Two completely different parents.

[Anonymous]

Those are some far-out assumptions.

Have you tried not nagging the kids? There isn’t just one parenting style that works for all kids. They’re people, and they have personalities. Instead of inferring insults, why don’t you try to compromise, or try things his way? That’s what grown-ups do when raising kids together.

[Anonymous]

I feel like my DH corrupts my kids, giving them whatever they ask for whether it's appropriate or not. You could either take turns where one month (or week) you get to parent how you like, and the next he gets to parent how he likes. Or, you take a vacation, and see if he takes more responsibility. It could be that you are so on one end of the spectrum, that he feels he has to be on the polar opposite end. Try switching roles for a week where you do the opposite and don't care if they take baths at all. See if he notices or tells them to take a bath.