I think that my husband wants our kids to be failures

[Anonymous]

He never asks anything of them. When I ask anything of them he actually gets angry. They have no discipline. Grades stink, hygiene poor and so on.
Question: could a divorce be a better situation for us?
I have considered the risks, including depression, economic hardship, potential exposure to abusive step family. Even with all of that, I think the kids might just be better if with divorced parents.
Anyone else been there?

[Anonymous]

I feel like there is a troll here in family relationships that doesn't speak very good english considering a variety of topics that seem weird and irrational posted in the last day or so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He never asks anything of them. When I ask anything of them he actually gets angry. They have no discipline. Grades stink, hygiene poor and so on.
Question: could a divorce be a better situation for us?
I have considered the risks, including depression, economic hardship, potential exposure to abusive step family. Even with all of that, I think the kids might just be better if with divorced parents.
Anyone else been there?

It's easy for anyone of us to say we'd divorce. I know I would. But it's your life and you know your tolerance for all of those negative consequences you mentioned. You're willing to suffer all of that so your kids could have a chance (there are no guarantees). My biggest fear would be that during their time with him and his family, they would turn the kids against you. I would ignore his anger and focus on your own intentions. I would discipline them, I'd force them to do homework and focus on grades or suffer the consequences (no tech, no play), and force them to shower or anything else they're not doing to take care of themselves properly. It's an uphill battle, but you're the only one willing to do it. Instead of divorce, I think you need a strategy on dealing with your husband and get him in line.

[Anonymous]

How does he explain his mindset?

My friend's husband is similar. He was self-driven as a child with non-interventionist parents, and thinks everyone should have that family schematic. That if the kid doesn't want it for himself, then it's no good helicoptering.

Which is so wrong of him. His child has thrown up red flags for dyslexia and ADHD ever since early elementary, and he has always refused to have her evaluated. Then he says "she's not academic, it's fine". It breaks my heart, because my son struggled with similar handicaps, and we got him evaluated and treated, and he is now successful in school and every door is open for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He never asks anything of them. When I ask anything of them he actually gets angry. They have no discipline. Grades stink, hygiene poor and so on.
Question: could a divorce be a better situation for us?
I have considered the risks, including depression, economic hardship, potential exposure to abusive step family. Even with all of that, I think the kids might just be better if with divorced parents.
Anyone else been there?

It's easy for anyone of us to say we'd divorce. I know I would. But it's your life and you know your tolerance for all of those negative consequences you mentioned. You're willing to suffer all of that so your kids could have a chance (there are no guarantees). My biggest fear would be that during their time with him and his family, they would turn the kids against you. I would ignore his anger and focus on your own intentions. I would discipline them, I'd force them to do homework and focus on grades or suffer the consequences (no tech, no play), and force them to shower or anything else they're not doing to take care of themselves properly. It's an uphill battle, but you're the only one willing to do it. Instead of divorce, I think you need a strategy on dealing with your husband and get him in line.

OP here. My sister said the same about the kids being turned against me. I am starting to consider that complication more...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
How does he explain his mindset?

My friend's husband is similar. He was self-driven as a child with non-interventionist parents, and thinks everyone should have that family schematic. That if the kid doesn't want it for himself, then it's no good helicoptering.

Which is so wrong of him. His child has thrown up red flags for dyslexia and ADHD ever since early elementary, and he has always refused to have her evaluated. Then he says "she's not academic, it's fine". It breaks my heart, because my son struggled with similar handicaps, and we got him evaluated and treated, and he is now successful in school and every door is open for him.

OP here. Your friends husband is like mine. He just has his own theory about how these things work. My husband never had an academic struggle in his life. Straight As with minimal work. Plus he has an easy federal job (well paying) that is not a challenge for him.

[Anonymous]

I think you just accept that you will always be the bad cop in your family. Your DH will undermine you but you’re also underestimating how much influence you have as their mother.

Make them clean their rooms, shower, do laundry etc. If your DH steps in and does their laundry once or twice, let it go. Point is, YOU never do it. If they say “DAd always lets me xyz...” Just smile and let it roll off your back. Shrug and say “I’m not Dad.”

Would this be a lot easier with a supportive partner? Yes, absolutely. But it’s a lot easier than being divorced.

If you divorce, your DH would probably tell the kids the divorce was to protect them from you. Given the dynamic you describe, it’s very likely the kids would believe him until they get much older and more mature.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is difficult when your DH had rotten, abusive, depressed, anti-supportive (nothing was good enough) parents and consequently DH doesn't know/care to parent. Sometimes I think my DH is jealous of some of our DC. It sounds crazy, but some friends pointed it out to me, and now I am beginning to see it myself. Do you think that is the case here?

This week, DH encouraged and laughed with tween DCs about drug references. DH wants nothing more than to be the cool dad. It is a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
How does he explain his mindset?

My friend's husband is similar. He was self-driven as a child with non-interventionist parents, and thinks everyone should have that family schematic. That if the kid doesn't want it for himself, then it's no good helicoptering.

Which is so wrong of him. His child has thrown up red flags for dyslexia and ADHD ever since early elementary, and he has always refused to have her evaluated. Then he says "she's not academic, it's fine". It breaks my heart, because my son struggled with similar handicaps, and we got him evaluated and treated, and he is now successful in school and every door is open for him.

So what's wrong with your friend? Is there a reason she isn't getting her child assessed? How does one parent's 'refusal' result in an actual lack of access to assessment? Is she an abused wife? She can pull the kid out of school and go to some drs!

OP is your husband wealthy and he plans on bankrolling your kids for life? If not, I don't understand his logic. Does he know how much crippling them will cost him? If he doesn't care for their futures on an emotional level, maybe he will care for his on a financial level.

[Anonymous]

If the problem is his parenting style, and not your relationship with him, I don't see how giving him half time full autonomy with the children solves a single problem. And it seems like teens will want to spend more than half time with the "fun" parent.

[Anonymous]

You're the parent, too. Are you not capable of making your children follow your rules? Surely he's not the only parent with them 24/7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the problem is his parenting style, and not your relationship with him, I don't see how giving him half time full autonomy with the children solves a single problem. And it seems like teens will want to spend more than half time with the "fun" parent.

It has morphed into a problem with him. I really can’t stand him because of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're the parent, too. Are you not capable of making your children follow your rules? Surely he's not the only parent with them 24/7.

You know that in any scenario with kids, if there is another adult with authority telling them to take the easier path, it is nearly impossible to pull them in any other direction.

[Anonymous]

Desire has to come from within. Browbeating children into compliance with a cloud of dissaproval wont work. The days when there were spankings were healthier. The constant emotional pressure is more damaging than a short spanking that happens and is over. All these kids are going to end up in therapy hating on the helicopter .

[Anonymous]

This kills the joy of child rearing