How to regain control when the tween is ruling the roost

[Anonymous]

Child needs a mattress on the floor andone clean set of on favorite clothing, plain food—-unsweetened cold cereal, pb&j, tuna noodle casserole—-sheets and a blanket take the door of the room, cancel cable and WiFi, electronics under direct supervision for homework only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't be serious.


Not sure she's met too many Tweets and teens.

I don't know what counts as many, but I've raised two to adulthood and have a 15 year old and a 9 year old now.

I found that it works best to begin by approaching any situation as though I believe the kids are competent members of the household who would prefer a mutually agreeable solution over continued conflict and who see their position on an issue as reasonable for reasons that make sense to them.

If I try to demonstrate a good faith attempt to understand their view of the situation and find a solution that works for everyone, I tend to get more reciprocation of that respect than when I simply insist on compliance.

Of course, if that doesn't work, the kid in question is demonstrating lack of either desire or ability to solve problems in a mature way and they find themselves treated according to that apparent immaturity when it comes to privileges they are permitted until such time as they're ready to actually address the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You can't be serious.


Not sure she's met too many Tweets and teens.

NP. I've got teens, including 2 with ADHD. It's a 'collaborative problem solving approach' and it's a best practice whether your kid has ADHD or not - in fact, it's a best practice in the workplace. It may not work all the time but it's an excellent place to start. Scoff if you like but behavioral specialists don't.

I agree with this approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You can't be serious.


Not sure she's met too many Tweets and teens.

NP. I've got teens, including 2 with ADHD. It's a 'collaborative problem solving approach' and it's a best practice whether your kid has ADHD or not - in fact, it's a best practice in the workplace. It may not work all the time but it's an excellent place to start. Scoff if you like but behavioral specialists don't.

That is a ridiculous analogy. Home is not the workplace. Your teen can't be fired if he doesn't perform. Your teen isn't an adult (duh) who responds to adult arguments and incentives. If "behavioral specialists" think teenager in the home and adult in the workplace are equivalent, then they are deeply stupid.

[Anonymous]

I would take away everything unless he complies with basic rules. Gong to school, bathing, whatever. As other poster said, he gets a mattress, blanket, simple food and clothes. That's it. Anything else he has to earn by complying with house rules. Also agree with locking him out during the day.

He may get picked up for truancy by the cops. Not sure how that could affect you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You can't be serious.
Not sure she's met too many Tweets and teens.

NP. I've got teens, including 2 with ADHD. It's a 'collaborative problem solving approach' and it's a best practice whether your kid has ADHD or not - in fact, it's a best practice in the workplace. It may not work all the time but it's an excellent place to start. Scoff if you like but behavioral specialists don't.

I am your parent, you are the child, I pay the bills, you are totally dependent on me. Therefore, we are going to solve this problem collaboratively by me telling you what to do, and then you doing it.

[Anonymous]

You can always get the city/ county involved. If your child I’d physically defiant, or becomes truant, have him declared a child in need of supervision and that may get you more backup. Also, therapeutic boarding school/ military school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You can't be serious.
Not sure she's met too many Tweets and teens.

NP. I've got teens, including 2 with ADHD. It's a 'collaborative problem solving approach' and it's a best practice whether your kid has ADHD or not - in fact, it's a best practice in the workplace. It may not work all the time but it's an excellent place to start. Scoff if you like but behavioral specialists don't.

I am your parent, you are the child, I pay the bills, you are totally dependent on me. Therefore, we are going to solve this problem collaboratively by me telling you what to do, and then you doing it.

True, but that doesn't actually teach the child anything about how to approach solving problems in an appropriate way or how to respectfully balance his desires with someone else's needs and desires. The authoritarian approach makes perfect sense from a rights & responsibilities perspective, but I think that an important part of raising a child is preparing a competent adult. At some point this kid is going to be college aged with a roommate, or an adult with a spouse, and having had a model of how to run a household in which all people's opinions are taken into account to the extent practical seems like it would be the best preparation for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make him watch "Scared Straight" and infer that's in his future if he doesn't step it up.

I see the rationale behind this advice, but please don't do this. This is a curse. It's like telling a toddler "don't do x" "don't do y" "don't do z" -- all they really hear is x, y, z. Just like it's better to say "DO [this other thing you want them to do]," I think OP needs to set up more models of the behavior she wants to see.

It sounds like you're parenting alone, OP. And again, while I understand why others say dad should come put fear into the kid--I think that will backfire. If he's not very involved, having someone come in and try to be an authority when he hasn't earned it will just mess the kid up even more.

Since Dad isn't a role model, you've got to fill your kid's life with them. Even two parent households should do this. You're doing your best. Keep it up. Get your DS involved in something he can find interest in and where he can form some mentoring relationships. That's vital.

Meanwhile, focus on the positive, model what you want to see, praise any positive you see like hell. Strip away privileges (screens, whatever) and create a situation where he has to earn them. Nothing is for free in life--except your mother's love.

[Anonymous]

It's very hard for most modern teens and tweens to amuse themselves at home without using something electronic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's very hard for most modern teens and tweens to amuse themselves at home without using something electronic.

Yeah, life's rough.

[Anonymous]

I had a hellion of a daughter at this age--with the similar issues you had, and there is a DCUM-recommended book, "yes your teen is crazy" that really helped me. A lot of it was me backing off (which was nice advice! I thought I couldn't back off or else I wouldn't raise a good adult. Not the case)

Second, I'm in favor of having a discussion as a PP above put forward, but I'd not do it at the house, because it will end up to him feeling like you cornered him while he's playing electronics. Instead take a drive with him.

I cannot stress enough how taking a drive can work wonders--you are not in the house--which is the territory where the control issues/disputes are taking place, and you are both looking straight ahead instead of at each other and there is subtle face-saving in that--sort of a "I'm really doing something else, looking out the window" (as opposed to listening to you, mom). Also...they can't say "FINE" and walk away...

[Anonymous]

A collaborative approach can work when a situation needs to be "tweaked." For example, a recent problem of back-talk or not getting chores done. It does NOT work when the whole power dynamic is askew and the child does not feel like the parent has any "say." At that point, more significant actions are required and the adult must re-assert authority.

A "behavior specialist" at the workplace would tell you that this kid is the kind of person that needs to be fired.... but that's not what parents do (unless/until they are completely desperate).

Good luck, OP! It's hard. I know-- I am a mom of two teens. I have had to use some pretty drastic measures when my one teen got completely out of whack. (Generally, though, I tend towards collaborative and kid taking "ownership" approach.)

[Anonymous]

1) Call his bluff on the food and school
2) Contact the school counselor
3) Let him get a few Fs for unexcused absences
4) Remain unemotional
5) Lock him out of all electronics until his grades improve

He’s doing it to get to you, and you’re playing along as his puppet. Tell him you’re willing to discuss the problems when he’s calm and willing to be grown-up about it. Go on about your day, and pretend like none of this is bothering you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You can't be serious.


Not sure she's met too many Tweets and teens.

NP. I've got teens, including 2 with ADHD. It's a 'collaborative problem solving approach' and it's a best practice whether your kid has ADHD or not - in fact, it's a best practice in the workplace. It may not work all the time but it's an excellent place to start. Scoff if you like but behavioral specialists don't.

That is a ridiculous analogy. Home is not the workplace. Your teen can't be fired if he doesn't perform. Your teen isn't an adult (duh) who responds to adult arguments and incentives. If "behavioral specialists" think teenager in the home and adult in the workplace are equivalent, then they are deeply stupid.

You clearly have limited supervisory experience, limited life experience and even more limited imagination. Walking through a doorway doesn't magically transform you from one kind of person to another. If you want to effect change, you have to understand the psychology of behavior. Try googling 'behavior theory and change management'. Maybe you'll learn something. Then again, probably not.