How to regain control when the tween is ruling the roost

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't approach things from the standpoint of rules & consequences; I would at first try treating the kid like the autonomous individual he wants to be.

Alright, look, we've had a lot of conflict over things. I'm sick of it and I bet you're sick of it. I'd like to solve it so you and I are working together towards goals we agree are important.

I think it's important for you to do X, Y, and Z because...

But you clearly don't want to do those things when I ask & you react by refusing to do them and threatening not to go to school, eat, or take your medicines. That seems like a problem to me because obviously you need to take care of your body and you need to get an education for the sake of your future.

Those are things I can't compromise on, and, frankly, I don't think those are things you really want to let slide either.

I want to understand the issue that's causing us to fight like this when I ask you to do things, so we can solve it. Do you think the things I'm asking you to do are unreasonable? Why?

Is it something about the way I ask you?

If things need to get done, the people in this household all need to pitch in to do them. How do you think we could work together to make that happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't approach things from the standpoint of rules & consequences; I would at first try treating the kid like the autonomous individual he wants to be.

Alright, look, we've had a lot of conflict over things. I'm sick of it and I bet you're sick of it. I'd like to solve it so you and I are working together towards goals we agree are important.

I think it's important for you to do X, Y, and Z because...

But you clearly don't want to do those things when I ask & you react by refusing to do them and threatening not to go to school, eat, or take your medicines. That seems like a problem to me because obviously you need to take care of your body and you need to get an education for the sake of your future.

Those are things I can't compromise on, and, frankly, I don't think those are things you really want to let slide either.

I want to understand the issue that's causing us to fight like this when I ask you to do things, so we can solve it. Do you think the things I'm asking you to do are unreasonable? Why?

Is it something about the way I ask you?

If things need to get done, the people in this household all need to pitch in to do them. How do you think we could work together to make that happen?

This all sounds reasonable in theory. But, if the kid has gotten to the point of refusing school and food, I don't think he is going to be able to have a reasonable conversation and problem solve like this. It sounds like they are at a point where the kid just doesn't give sh!t about dealing with mom reasonably. That underlying anger, anxiety, depression, , need for control, irritability - whatever it is - has to be addressed before he can have the kind of rational conversation you suggest.

[Anonymous]

How old? Because I can pick up my 12 yr old and bodily remove him from the bed, stick his shoes on it I have to, and then put him in the car, put the car in drive so he can't get out, and take him to school kicking and screaming. I'm sure his classmates would enjoy seeing that. My 12 yr old weighs more than I do, for the record, but adrenaline goes a long way. I'm the adult, school is non-negotiable, and my kids go whether they? want to or not. (I've never had to do this because my kids know who is in charge, but by God I would if need be). The one time my son decided to try refusing to do something I stripped his room down to a cot and his clothes and put him on a military regimen for three days. He learned his lesson. I don't need anyone to back me up. I'm tough enough by myself. Don't let him continue this?, or he will be in jail before you know it, since he thinks the whole world has to cater to him. He's in for a rude awakening.

[Anonymous]

Parenting is hard and good for you that your realize that something has to change. You absolutely need parental/family counseling to help you get through this, given that he is using something as basic as eating to manipulate you and you are letting him. You need tools, you don't have them, so what you need to do is get them. Try some PEP classes, if you can't afford much.

If my kid refused to go to school, I would call the school with him listening and report that he is refusing to go to school and so should get whatever consequence goes with that. Would that be significant to your kid? Is he only acting this way with you but is respectful at school? My kids would not be able to stomach having the outside world know about any kind of bad behavior like that.

[Anonymous]

Does he have friends? Is he doing well academically and behaviorally at school? Does he save defiant and manipulative behavior for you at home, or is it pervasive? Does he exercise and sleep well? What is he doing online?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old? Because I can pick up my 12 yr old and bodily remove him from the bed, stick his shoes on it I have to, and then put him in the car, put the car in drive so he can't get out, and take him to school kicking and screaming. I'm sure his classmates would enjoy seeing that. My 12 yr old weighs more than I do, for the record, but adrenaline goes a long way. I'm the adult, school is non-negotiable, and my kids go whether they? want to or not. (I've never had to do this because my kids know who is in charge, but by God I would if need be). The one time my son decided to try refusing to do something I stripped his room down to a cot and his clothes and put him on a military regimen for three days. He learned his lesson. I don't need anyone to back me up. I'm tough enough by myself. Don't let him continue this?, or he will be in jail before you know it, since he thinks the whole world has to cater to him. He's in for a rude awakening.

Go you!

My 12 year old is tiny and underweight, and very mild. He has severe inattentive ADHD and sleep issues that we're working on with his psychiatrist, and the non-medicated morning routine can be hell. I've been known to lift him out of bed, whisk away the PJs and whisk on the clothes, when we're running late. Like a BABY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The second parent (presumably dad) is not in the household but does he not have custody at any time? Have dad put the fear of God into the kid.

+1. This kid needs his dad to kick him in the ass. This is totally unacceptable, OP. And, frankly, something that you as his mom are probably not going to be able to handle, at least alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't approach things from the standpoint of rules & consequences; I would at first try treating the kid like the autonomous individual he wants to be.

Alright, look, we've had a lot of conflict over things. I'm sick of it and I bet you're sick of it. I'd like to solve it so you and I are working together towards goals we agree are important.

I think it's important for you to do X, Y, and Z because...

But you clearly don't want to do those things when I ask & you react by refusing to do them and threatening not to go to school, eat, or take your medicines. That seems like a problem to me because obviously you need to take care of your body and you need to get an education for the sake of your future.

Those are things I can't compromise on, and, frankly, I don't think those are things you really want to let slide either.

I want to understand the issue that's causing us to fight like this when I ask you to do things, so we can solve it. Do you think the things I'm asking you to do are unreasonable? Why?

Is it something about the way I ask you?

If things need to get done, the people in this household all need to pitch in to do them. How do you think we could work together to make that happen?

You can't be serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: My son has always been someone who if you give him an inch he will take a mile and negotiate the whole time. Now as the teen years are approaching I’m discovering the kid has really gotten the upper hand in the household. If he doesn’t want to do something he just refuses to do it and if you take away privileges he’ll say - I just won’t go to school tomorrow then and hold that over your head. I’m starting to feel like I’m in an abusive relationship because the kid is literally getting all the control. He’s identified several things that I just can’t do without like him going to school, taking medication, eating. If I try to gain the upper hand he fights back by refusing to do those things. This is further complicated by not having a second parent in the household so there’s noone to buffer the situation or apply any muscle. Anyone been in a similar situation and found a way to resolve it?

Please tell us more about this. I have a feeling this is the root of your problem. You have an angry young man on your hands, and this could very well be why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let him fail out of school.

And then what? Support him because he can afford to live on his own? Watch him deteriorate if you cut him off? I’m sure there are other things to try before letting him fail out of school.

OP: I agree that counseling is in order. You need help. You are not alone; you will get support.

[Anonymous]

I also have a 12 yr old with ADHD. He takes his medication but if he didn't, he can be like you describe. How does he behave when he does take his medication? I'm also a single mom with a distant ex who lives across the country so it's all me all of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't approach things from the standpoint of rules & consequences; I would at first try treating the kid like the autonomous individual he wants to be.

Alright, look, we've had a lot of conflict over things. I'm sick of it and I bet you're sick of it. I'd like to solve it so you and I are working together towards goals we agree are important.

I think it's important for you to do X, Y, and Z because...

But you clearly don't want to do those things when I ask & you react by refusing to do them and threatening not to go to school, eat, or take your medicines. That seems like a problem to me because obviously you need to take care of your body and you need to get an education for the sake of your future.

Those are things I can't compromise on, and, frankly, I don't think those are things you really want to let slide either.

I want to understand the issue that's causing us to fight like this when I ask you to do things, so we can solve it. Do you think the things I'm asking you to do are unreasonable? Why?

Is it something about the way I ask you?

If things need to get done, the people in this household all need to pitch in to do them. How do you think we could work together to make that happen?

You can't be serious.

Well it's where I'd start at least.

If I didn't get appropriate cooperation from a reasonable, respectful approach that treats the tween like someone who's well old enough to both contribute to the household and politely discuss & work through problems, then I would have no problem treating them like the immature bratty kid they're acting like and removing nearly all privileges until a significant attitude adjustment is evident.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: My son has always been someone who if you give him an inch he will take a mile and negotiate the whole time. Now as the teen years are approaching I’m discovering the kid has really gotten the upper hand in the household. If he doesn’t want to do something he just refuses to do it and if you take away privileges he’ll say - I just won’t go to school tomorrow then and hold that over your head. I’m starting to feel like I’m in an abusive relationship because the kid is literally getting all the control. He’s identified several things that I just can’t do without like him going to school, taking medication, eating. If I try to gain the upper hand he fights back by refusing to do those things. This is further complicated by not having a second parent in the household so there’s noone to buffer the situation or apply any muscle. Anyone been in a similar situation and found a way to resolve it?

If he doesn't go to school he doesn't get to stay home and you don't give him any money. Change the locks and walk him out in the morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't approach things from the standpoint of rules & consequences; I would at first try treating the kid like the autonomous individual he wants to be.

Alright, look, we've had a lot of conflict over things. I'm sick of it and I bet you're sick of it. I'd like to solve it so you and I are working together towards goals we agree are important.

I think it's important for you to do X, Y, and Z because...

But you clearly don't want to do those things when I ask & you react by refusing to do them and threatening not to go to school, eat, or take your medicines. That seems like a problem to me because obviously you need to take care of your body and you need to get an education for the sake of your future.

Those are things I can't compromise on, and, frankly, I don't think those are things you really want to let slide either.

I want to understand the issue that's causing us to fight like this when I ask you to do things, so we can solve it. Do you think the things I'm asking you to do are unreasonable? Why?

Is it something about the way I ask you?

If things need to get done, the people in this household all need to pitch in to do them. How do you think we could work together to make that happen?

You can't be serious.

Not sure she's met too many Tweets and teens.

[Anonymous]

You can't be serious.


Not sure she's met too many Tweets and teens.

NP. I've got teens, including 2 with ADHD. It's a 'collaborative problem solving approach' and it's a best practice whether your kid has ADHD or not - in fact, it's a best practice in the workplace. It may not work all the time but it's an excellent place to start. Scoff if you like but behavioral specialists don't.