How to regain control when the tween is ruling the roost

[Anonymous]

My son has always been someone who if you give him an inch he will take a mile and negotiate the whole time. Now as the teen years are approaching I’m discovering the kid has really gotten the upper hand in the household. If he doesn’t want to do something he just refuses to do it and if you take away privileges he’ll say - I just won’t go to school tomorrow then and hold that over your head. I’m starting to feel like I’m in an abusive relationship because the kid is literally getting all the control. He’s identified several things that I just can’t do without like him going to school, taking medication, eating. If I try to gain the upper hand he fights back by refusing to do those things. This is further complicated by not having a second parent in the household so there’s noone to buffer the situation or apply any muscle. Anyone been in a similar situation and found a way to resolve it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: My son has always been someone who if you give him an inch he will take a mile and negotiate the whole time. Now as the teen years are approaching I’m discovering the kid has really gotten the upper hand in the household. If he doesn’t want to do something he just refuses to do it and if you take away privileges he’ll say - I just won’t go to school tomorrow then and hold that over your head. I’m starting to feel like I’m in an abusive relationship because the kid is literally getting all the control. He’s identified several things that I just can’t do without like him going to school, taking medication, eating. If I try to gain the upper hand he fights back by refusing to do those things. This is further complicated by not having a second parent in the household so there’s noone to buffer the situation or apply any muscle. Anyone been in a similar situation and found a way to resolve it?

Does he have a phone or any electronics? Is cut him off from the world. That always works in my house.

[Anonymous]

What is your fear: what are you afraid will happen if you say no and stick to it? Get over that fear and you will be able to make significant changes.

[Anonymous]

what is he good at? What does he enjoy? Start connecting with him on that level. I know you don't feel like doing it, but praise him for the things he does well. Think outside of the box. Ask him what he really likes spending his time on. Maybe it's music, maybe its baseball, maybe its drawing or video games. Don't judge. Draw him out, what do you like about XX . I know this is hard it might be something you hate . Connect with him talk about his future, set him up with mentors in the area he really likes. Celebrate that he can be a good person and envision that future for him and for your relationship. Then -- down the road, be clear with him about house rules and expectations. You will have earned his respect by respecting him and in turn things will be less combative.

[Anonymous]

The second parent (presumably dad) is not in the household but does he not have custody at any time? Have dad put the fear of God into the kid.

[Anonymous]

If he doesn’t go to school, you will not write him a note. And then you will talk with the principal. And he will have to repeat the grade. Be on team adult.

[Anonymous]

What is the medication for? Does it make him feel better? Worse? Should it be adjusted? Talk with the doctor. Again, partner with other adults and let him stew in teen world.

[Anonymous]

And it takes a long time for a human to starve. . .

[Anonymous]

What does he do for fun? Those activities are dependent on doing the things required (school, homework, self care).

If you don't do the things required, you don't get to go to basketball practice or have your video game system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is your fear: what are you afraid will happen if you say no and stick to it? Get over that fear and you will be able to make significant changes.

Yup. I regularly say to myself: My obligation as a mom is to create a good man. My obligation is not to have him like me, or even love me. If I love him, I will do what it takes to make that good man.

Sounds corny, but it got me through the horrors of teen-rearing.

[Anonymous]

What if you persuade him to become a mentor to a younger child, through some type of organization? Perhaps being placed in a responsible role will gradually spill over into the rest of his life?

[Anonymous]

Make him watch "Scared Straight" and infer that's in his future if he doesn't step it up.

[Anonymous]

I suggest you start working with a family counselor. You can't expect to 'solve' this issue overnight and you're at a loss. You need to work with someone who has expertise in defiant/oppositional behaviors. that person can coach you on what you should do and how to react. They can also work with both you and your DS on the family dynamic.

I don't have experience with this group and teenagers (I have teenagers but worked with them long ago) but I'm confident they can either help you or point you in the right direction.

http://www.insteppc.com/

If you want more recommendations, I suggest you post in the Kids with SN forum. There are probably a lot more people there with experience in this area. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Let him fail out of school.

[Anonymous]

Take away the phone, electronics or whatever it is. If he refuses to go to school, eat, take medication, so be it. That just extends the amount of time he loses the privilege. Don't let him hold you hostage in your own home. If he learns that skipping school doesn't get him his electronics back, he will eventually stop doing it.
And at the same time, work with a therapist to determine exactly why he is behaving like this. Many teens and tweens are moody, but this behavior sounds like he is very unhappy.