Where is the line between emotional abuse and regular arguments?

[Anonymous]

OP, did you say if this is a husband or a boyfriend? Children? Why would you decide that this is a man you want to spend time with? You are allowed a preference. You don't even thave to "prove" a reason. Just decide, "I'd prefer something else"

[Anonymous]

OP here. Yes, of course I would "prefer something else"
But we are married with three children.
So my preferences aren't everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am nearing the end of my 17-year marriage (divorce almost final) during which there was daily emotional/mental abuse along with physical abuse sprinkled throughout the years. My therapist recommended a number of books specific to my situation. I found the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft to be very helpful.

seconded. this was eye opening for me with an ex bf

Third. My husband.

[Anonymous]

Why Does He Do That was a great book. For me, normal arguments seem to be about one person, being uoswt, telling the other person, and that person either addressing the concern and/or apologizing and a solution decided upon by both parties how to accomplish whatever it was.

In my abusive marriage, arguments were created by tasks being directly addressed by me, husband ignoring them, and then he acting like I was crazy after the 5th time I had to ask him to address something. Many abusers can never be wrong, so the argument goes in circles. You are never allowed to win an argument, and there is no apology, unless that apology is later for verbal or physical abuse. Never an apology for the initial situation. Many things were done to purposefully make me angry. Handing the 3 year old a razor in front of me. Letting her touch the hot stove after I asked him not to. He wanted to start fights.

When it came to the trash or the dishes, as soon as DH did it one time, his narrative would change. He then always had taken out the trash, always did the dishes, and did all of the childcare. He would tell me I never did any of it, even though I had been doing it all by myself for years.

[Anonymous]

In the past year I for sure have become verbally abusive in my relationship. This is why I am initiating a divorce now.

During the beginning and middle of our marriage I would try to raise issues calmly and normally without personal attacks, and I would get variations of "You are imagining this." "You just need to change your perspective." "This is your own fault." etc. etc. etc.

Finally, I graduated to screaming insults to get through my point of view. Interestingly this "worked" in that after going absolutely batshit crazy my STBXH is suddenly willing to acknowledge my point of view, but not one second before that point.

He doesn't want to get divorced and wants to work on our relationship, but I am done. I have had relationships where there was on-going mutual respect, and it's highly preferred!

Anyway, my point is - this topic is complicated. But if your partner is more about winning than about mutually agreeable solutions, that is the danger zone in my view.

[Anonymous]

No screaming does not work.
You merely agree with the screamer because you know it shuts them up. If you are with someone that screams it's time to get out of the relationship.