Where is the line between emotional abuse and regular arguments?

[Anonymous]

I am starting to think there is verbal abuse on my relationship and I don’t know what to do.

[Anonymous]

If it’s a man doing it’s abuse. If it’s a woman doing it, it’s not. Women can not be abusers.

[Anonymous]

In my experience, it is the pattern of the argument.

In a normal relationship, you may get into an argument because your partner didn’t take out the trash. You probably say something snippy because the trash not going out is inconvenient, and your partner points out that you could have taken the trash out too. You say that you unloaded the dishwasher, and your partner reminds you that he or she took the dog to the vet (and was in a hurry so he or she forgot to take out the trash). You both have valid points, and you both are angry, but it blows over, things go back to normal, and your partner remembers to take the trash out next week.

In an abusive relationship, you say something snippy because your partner didn’t take out the trash. They deny it, then they tell you that you are a controlling bitch, then they point out that they make more than you do and that they will quit their job so they can do housework, then they ask if you have eaten anything today, then they chase you around the house, trying to draw your blood to test your blood sugar (when you do not have—nor have you ever had any sort of blood sugar problems). You lock yourself in a bathroom, and you wonder if you are crazy.

Your partner’s tone then changes. It’s not apologetic (because he or she still denies that the trash wasn’t taken out), but it’s softer. Maybe he or she brings you some tea, or says let’s order take out for dinner, and you believe you are crazy. You take over the trash duty, and you have kind of sex you don’t like in order to keep the peace.

Next week, the cycle repeats itself over something different. You eventually stop expecting anything from him or her, and going out of your way to protect yourself/your kids/the world from his our her outbursts.

[Anonymous]

PP that is a very good description! I wish I had read something like that 10-15 years ago and had the clarity to recognize those patterns in my marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have examples? It's hard to know what to tell you without some examples of what has been going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it’s a man doing it’s abuse. If it’s a woman doing it, it’s not. Women can not be abusers.

#DCUMTruths

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it’s a man doing it’s abuse. If it’s a woman doing it, it’s not. Women can not be abusers.

#DCUMTruths

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, it is the pattern of the argument.

In a normal relationship, you may get into an argument because your partner didn’t take out the trash. You probably say something snippy because the trash not going out is inconvenient, and your partner points out that you could have taken the trash out too. You say that you unloaded the dishwasher, and your partner reminds you that he or she took the dog to the vet (and was in a hurry so he or she forgot to take out the trash). You both have valid points, and you both are angry, but it blows over, things go back to normal, and your partner remembers to take the trash out next week.

In an abusive relationship, you say something snippy because your partner didn’t take out the trash. They deny it, then they tell you that you are a controlling bitch, then they point out that they make more than you do and that they will quit their job so they can do housework, then they ask if you have eaten anything today, then they chase you around the house, trying to draw your blood to test your blood sugar (when you do not have—nor have you ever had any sort of blood sugar problems). You lock yourself in a bathroom, and you wonder if you are crazy.

Your partner’s tone then changes. It’s not apologetic (because he or she still denies that the trash wasn’t taken out), but it’s softer. Maybe he or she brings you some tea, or says let’s order take out for dinner, and you believe you are crazy. You take over the trash duty, and you have kind of sex you don’t like in order to keep the peace.

Next week, the cycle repeats itself over something different. You eventually stop expecting anything from him or her, and going out of your way to protect yourself/your kids/the world from his our her outbursts.

Your normal relationship argument does not sound normal at all as you describe immediate escalation of the argument.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, it is the pattern of the argument.

In a normal relationship, you may get into an argument because your partner didn’t take out the trash. You probably say something snippy because the trash not going out is inconvenient, and your partner points out that you could have taken the trash out too. You say that you unloaded the dishwasher, and your partner reminds you that he or she took the dog to the vet (and was in a hurry so he or she forgot to take out the trash). You both have valid points, and you both are angry, but it blows over, things go back to normal, and your partner remembers to take the trash out next week.

In an abusive relationship, you say something snippy because your partner didn’t take out the trash. They deny it, then they tell you that you are a controlling bitch, then they point out that they make more than you do and that they will quit their job so they can do housework, then they ask if you have eaten anything today, then they chase you around the house, trying to draw your blood to test your blood sugar (when you do not have—nor have you ever had any sort of blood sugar problems). You lock yourself in a bathroom, and you wonder if you are crazy.

Your partner’s tone then changes. It’s not apologetic (because he or she still denies that the trash wasn’t taken out), but it’s softer. Maybe he or she brings you some tea, or says let’s order take out for dinner, and you believe you are crazy. You take over the trash duty, and you have kind of sex you don’t like in order to keep the peace.


Next week, the cycle repeats itself over something different. You eventually stop expecting anything from him or her, and going out of your way to protect yourself/your kids/the world from his our her outbursts.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, it is the pattern of the argument.

In a normal relationship, you may get into an argument because your partner didn’t take out the trash. You probably say something snippy because the trash not going out is inconvenient, and your partner points out that you could have taken the trash out too. You say that you unloaded the dishwasher, and your partner reminds you that he or she took the dog to the vet (and was in a hurry so he or she forgot to take out the trash). You both have valid points, and you both are angry, but it blows over, things go back to normal, and your partner remembers to take the trash out next week.

In an abusive relationship, you say something snippy because your partner didn’t take out the trash. They deny it, then they tell you that you are a controlling bitch, then they point out that they make more than you do and that they will quit their job so they can do housework, then they ask if you have eaten anything today, then they chase you around the house, trying to draw your blood to test your blood sugar (when you do not have—nor have you ever had any sort of blood sugar problems). You lock yourself in a bathroom, and you wonder if you are crazy.

Your partner’s tone then changes. It’s not apologetic (because he or she still denies that the trash wasn’t taken out), but it’s softer. Maybe he or she brings you some tea, or says let’s order take out for dinner, and you believe you are crazy. You take over the trash duty, and you have kind of sex you don’t like in order to keep the peace.

Next week, the cycle repeats itself over something different. You eventually stop expecting anything from him or her, and going out of your way to protect yourself/your kids/the world from his our her outbursts.

Whaaaaa?! Has this actually happened to you or are you just a really creative writer?

[Anonymous]

It actually happened, repeatedly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It actually happened, repeatedly.

Then you need to know, that it's not normal either that both parties become angry if someone doesn't take the trash out and start an argument.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It actually happened, repeatedly.

Then you need to know, that it's not normal either that both parties become angry if someone doesn't take the trash out and start an argument.

Ok. Thanks for your insights.

[Anonymous]

Emotional abuse- name calling, yelling/screaming, belittling, hitting below belt (bringing up painful memories in order to win an argument), constant disproportionate anger

It's not what you do but how you do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It actually happened, repeatedly.

Then you need to know, that it's not normal either that both parties become angry if someone doesn't take the trash out and start an argument.

Ok. Thanks for your insights.

PP, you sound like you’ve been through a lot and learned to manage criticism well. Kudos to you.