First World Problem: Disrespectful Cleaning Woman

[Anonymous]

OP, I can commiserate. I also have a hard time standing up for myself and it's something I'm working on. We had a cleaning lady years ago who was horrendous. She wasn't rude in the way that yours is, but she was far, far too familiar. She'd come late, plop herself down, and settle in for a chat with me. The first couple of times, I didn't think anything of it - I was happy to get to know her and thought she'd see me as a "down-to-earth" employer. However, she started doing this every single time, on top of never showing up when she said she would. At the time, I had young kids and a baby, and I needed her to come in the morning so that the baby could nap in the afternoons. She would totally disregard that and show up right at nap time! And of course, being the spineless wimp I was (and also, much younger), I would accommodate her.

She'd also spend way too much time playing with my baby, instead of working. It was unbelievable. The final straw, however, was when she invited herself and her daughter to my baby's 1st birthday party. They just showed up, which I found extraordinary - and not in a good way.

I finally told her I would be cleaning the house myself, which was a lie, but was the only thing I could come up with. I think she knew the truth, but I was just relieved to finally be done with her and find someone who actually did the job they were paid for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You pay her $120 to clean your house and you expect her to have a smile on her face and gratitude in her heart. I would resent you too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to fire her and find your self esteem. It is not your fault that she's disrespectful. It is your fault, however, that you are taking this. You confront her and then fire her, or just summarily fire her, but under no circumstances should you keep her after you tell her she's rude. Your cleaning lady can do a lot of bad things to your stuff and to you. Don't even give her the chance.

Thanks. You are 100% right about the self-esteem issue. The fear is that she IS a good cleaning lady and I might have a hard time finding one as good. That's my dilemma.

That's a dilemma that will be good for you to confront and resolve. Whether she's a competent cleaning lady or not is irrelevant. What's at issue here is her problematic behavior and yours, in response to hers. You need to fire her. Before you hire her replacement, do some therapy-guided work on why you've tolerated her behavior, and how you're going to ensure you don't tolerate this kind of inappropriate, unprofessional behavior in future.

Start your therapy, by the way, by exploring why you felt the need to qualify your subject line with the phrase, "first world problem."

Interesting. Is my use of that phrase indicative of poor self-esteem? I thought I'm just showing I'm aware that people have much worse problems in this world.

PP here: she was unambiguously unprofessional and rude to you. Yet you preface your subject line with "first world problem," a preemptive diminishment of your own problem. Your judgment was correct: her behavior was inappropriate and she should be fired. Why don't you trust your judgment? That you don't, and that you posted a DCUM thread seeking advice about how to respond to unambiguously-poor, fire-able, behavior, is an issue - do you see that? I suggest you need to find a good therapist to help you work through what appears to be some significant issues trusting your own good judgment.

[Anonymous]

The first comment would've been enough for me to consider finding someone else. The bonus? I would've told her it'll be in the check or I'll give her the cash the next time she cleans but I would NOT have gone out in the rain for someone who just got finished shooing me out of my own damn bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to fire her and find your self esteem. It is not your fault that she's disrespectful. It is your fault, however, that you are taking this. You confront her and then fire her, or just summarily fire her, but under no circumstances should you keep her after you tell her she's rude. Your cleaning lady can do a lot of bad things to your stuff and to you. Don't even give her the chance.

Thanks. You are 100% right about the self-esteem issue. The fear is that she IS a good cleaning lady and I might have a hard time finding one as good. That's my dilemma.

There are a million competent, professional, respectful cleaning ladies out there, OP. I suspect you will have difficulty doing the actual firing of this woman, though. Do you have a set schedule with her, or can you just fade away by not contacting her for another cleaning?

Absolutely. We move every couple of years. Sometimes we hire a service (I prefer it because they bring their own supplies, don't cancel for illness/vacation, and have a supervisor to deal with this kind of thing), and sometimes we have an individual (definitely better if you have unusual or specific requests). It really isn't that hard to be good at cleaning. That's why women who need a job NOW figure out how to do it; the good ones have references and keep at it.

[Anonymous]

I used to really like the Cleaning Authority. I don't know if they're in your area, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know, I know....such a 1st world problem, but I am wondering if anyone runs into problems with a rude or disrespectful cleaning lady. I have and wonder if 1) I am too sensitive, 2) my being nice and friendly is mistaken for weakness and somehow inviting it, or 3) it's just typical these days. Two examples (since she was just here):

1.) I walked into the bedroom to check on something (I had given her instructions last time about it and she didn't do it), and she said, "I know, I know. But you're in the way, and you can leave." Then she should made a go-away motion with her hand. (Yes, really!)

2.) I wanted to give her a holiday bonus, which would be double the $120 fee. I wrote out a check for $240, and she told me that she wanted the bonus amount in cash. I said I didn't have $120 lying around, and she told me there is an ATM a few blocks away and I could go get cash - and she'd wait. I told her I didn't want to go out in the rain, but she insisted she wanted cash. So, in order to keep her happy, I grabbed my umbrella and went out.

Am I making too big a deal over these types of things? Is it just stuff one needs to put up with to keep a cleaning lady?

I can't believe you put up with her, especially that ATM thing

She wants cash as a gift, so it's not a paycheck. If it's a gift, no taxes. Get it?

That is completely false. I get a bonus at work, and the amount is included on my w-2 as wages. I certainly don't waltz into my boss' office and demand the bonus in cash so I don't have to pay tax on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to fire her and find your self esteem. It is not your fault that she's disrespectful. It is your fault, however, that you are taking this. You confront her and then fire her, or just summarily fire her, but under no circumstances should you keep her after you tell her she's rude. Your cleaning lady can do a lot of bad things to your stuff and to you. Don't even give her the chance.

Thanks. You are 100% right about the self-esteem issue. The fear is that she IS a good cleaning lady and I might have a hard time finding one as good. That's my dilemma.

Then clean your own house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know, I know....such a 1st world problem, but I am wondering if anyone runs into problems with a rude or disrespectful cleaning lady. I have and wonder if 1) I am too sensitive, 2) my being nice and friendly is mistaken for weakness and somehow inviting it, or 3) it's just typical these days. Two examples (since she was just here):

1.) I walked into the bedroom to check on something (I had given her instructions last time about it and she didn't do it), and she said, "I know, I know. But you're in the way, and you can leave." Then she should made a go-away motion with her hand. (Yes, really!)

2.) I wanted to give her a holiday bonus, which would be double the $120 fee. I wrote out a check for $240, and she told me that she wanted the bonus amount in cash. I said I didn't have $120 lying around, and she told me there is an ATM a few blocks away and I could go get cash - and she'd wait. I told her I didn't want to go out in the rain, but she insisted she wanted cash. So, in order to keep her happy, I grabbed my umbrella and went out.

Am I making too big a deal over these types of things? Is it just stuff one needs to put up with to keep a cleaning lady?

You think the OP is handing her a W2 at the end of the year?

I can't believe you put up with her, especially that ATM thing

She wants cash as a gift, so it's not a paycheck. If it's a gift, no taxes. Get it?

That is completely false. I get a bonus at work, and the amount is included on my w-2 as wages. I certainly don't waltz into my boss' office and demand the bonus in cash so I don't have to pay tax on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to fire her and find your self esteem. It is not your fault that she's disrespectful. It is your fault, however, that you are taking this. You confront her and then fire her, or just summarily fire her, but under no circumstances should you keep her after you tell her she's rude. Your cleaning lady can do a lot of bad things to your stuff and to you. Don't even give her the chance.

Thanks. You are 100% right about the self-esteem issue. The fear is that she IS a good cleaning lady and I might have a hard time finding one as good. That's my dilemma.

That's a dilemma that will be good for you to confront and resolve. Whether she's a competent cleaning lady or not is irrelevant. What's at issue here is her problematic behavior and yours, in response to hers. You need to fire her. Before you hire her replacement, do some therapy-guided work on why you've tolerated her behavior, and how you're going to ensure you don't tolerate this kind of inappropriate, unprofessional behavior in future.

Start your therapy, by the way, by exploring why you felt the need to qualify your subject line with the phrase, "first world problem."

OP knows that she is paying peanuts to a woman who busts her arse all day every day so she can take her tiny paycheck, back to her crappy home and hopefully put food on the table for her kids. That is why she feels weird about asking the woman to act like she is happy while working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg! I would be so annoyed with the 2nd. Use a service. I never get anything but respect from mine (if you’re in Falls Church or Arlington I’ll give you the rec).

Not quite, but close enough. Can you post it? Thanks.

Sure. I use Wellnest. If they’re in your area (you can check on their website) I can email you a code to use on your first cleaning. I used to have an independent cleaning lady too and a service is so much easier. You can schedule online, pay online, and they’re accountable to someone.

Thanks! I'll look them. Appreciate it. (I wouldn't be able to give you my email here, for privacy reasons, so I'll pay full. But thanks anyway.)

Of course! Good luck. If you’re paying for a service you deserve to be happy and stress-free. Apparently the referral code is a link so if you use them try this. It’s a little pricier than an independent cleaner might be - and I’m sure someone has a cheaper rec - but I find the ease more than worth it and they haven’t let me down in 1.5 years. gowellnest.com/jogqb0

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can commiserate. I also have a hard time standing up for myself and it's something I'm working on. We had a cleaning lady years ago who was horrendous. She wasn't rude in the way that yours is, but she was far, far too familiar. She'd come late, plop herself down, and settle in for a chat with me. The first couple of times, I didn't think anything of it - I was happy to get to know her and thought she'd see me as a "down-to-earth" employer. However, she started doing this every single time, on top of never showing up when she said she would. At the time, I had young kids and a baby, and I needed her to come in the morning so that the baby could nap in the afternoons. She would totally disregard that and show up right at nap time! And of course, being the spineless wimp I was (and also, much younger), I would accommodate her.

She'd also spend way too much time playing with my baby, instead of working. It was unbelievable. The final straw, however, was when she invited herself and her daughter to my baby's 1st birthday party. They just showed up, which I found extraordinary - and not in a good way.

I finally told her I would be cleaning the house myself, which was a lie, but was the only thing I could come up with. I think she knew the truth, but I was just relieved to finally be done with her and find someone who actually did the job they were paid for.

OP here, and thanks for this. It's nice to know I'm not alone with this issue. Your cleaning lady was unacceptable in a different way than mine - mine does show up on as scheduled - but she was definitely way too familiar. I remember my aunt observing how my mother was super-nice and accommodating to her cleaning lady and saying to my mom, "you want to be cordial to them but not to make friends with them." I thought it was snobby at the time, but my aunt was so right.

Your "lie" about not needing her was a comfortable way out of it.I'm sure that's what most people do when they want to make a switch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know, I know....such a 1st world problem, but I am wondering if anyone runs into problems with a rude or disrespectful cleaning lady. I have and wonder if 1) I am too sensitive, 2) my being nice and friendly is mistaken for weakness and somehow inviting it, or 3) it's just typical these days. Two examples (since she was just here):

1.) I walked into the bedroom to check on something (I had given her instructions last time about it and she didn't do it), and she said, "I know, I know. But you're in the way, and you can leave." Then she should made a go-away motion with her hand. (Yes, really!)

2.) I wanted to give her a holiday bonus, which would be double the $120 fee. I wrote out a check for $240, and she told me that she wanted the bonus amount in cash. I said I didn't have $120 lying around, and she told me there is an ATM a few blocks away and I could go get cash - and she'd wait. I told her I didn't want to go out in the rain, but she insisted she wanted cash. So, in order to keep her happy, I grabbed my umbrella and went out.

Am I making too big a deal over these types of things? Is it just stuff one needs to put up with to keep a cleaning lady?

I can't believe you put up with her, especially that ATM thing

She wants cash as a gift, so it's not a paycheck. If it's a gift, no taxes. Get it?

That is completely false. I get a bonus at work, and the amount is included on my w-2 as wages. I certainly don't waltz into my boss' office and demand the bonus in cash so I don't have to pay tax on it.

If your boss asked if you would like a gift of cash for Christmas, would you say no- add it to my W2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to fire her and find your self esteem. It is not your fault that she's disrespectful. It is your fault, however, that you are taking this. You confront her and then fire her, or just summarily fire her, but under no circumstances should you keep her after you tell her she's rude. Your cleaning lady can do a lot of bad things to your stuff and to you. Don't even give her the chance.

Thanks. You are 100% right about the self-esteem issue. The fear is that she IS a good cleaning lady and I might have a hard time finding one as good. That's my dilemma.

That's a dilemma that will be good for you to confront and resolve. Whether she's a competent cleaning lady or not is irrelevant. What's at issue here is her problematic behavior and yours, in response to hers. You need to fire her. Before you hire her replacement, do some therapy-guided work on why you've tolerated her behavior, and how you're going to ensure you don't tolerate this kind of inappropriate, unprofessional behavior in future.

Start your therapy, by the way, by exploring why you felt the need to qualify your subject line with the phrase, "first world problem."

Interesting. Is my use of that phrase indicative of poor self-esteem? I thought I'm just showing I'm aware that people have much worse problems in this world.

PP here: she was unambiguously unprofessional and rude to you. Yet you preface your subject line with "first world problem," a preemptive diminishment of your own problem. Your judgment was correct: her behavior was inappropriate and she should be fired. Why don't you trust your judgment? That you don't, and that you posted a DCUM thread seeking advice about how to respond to unambiguously-poor, fire-able, behavior, is an issue - do you see that? I suggest you need to find a good therapist to help you work through what appears to be some significant issues trusting your own good judgment.

Thank you for your additional input. I admit you are correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to fire her and find your self esteem. It is not your fault that she's disrespectful. It is your fault, however, that you are taking this. You confront her and then fire her, or just summarily fire her, but under no circumstances should you keep her after you tell her she's rude. Your cleaning lady can do a lot of bad things to your stuff and to you. Don't even give her the chance.

Thanks. You are 100% right about the self-esteem issue. The fear is that she IS a good cleaning lady and I might have a hard time finding one as good. That's my dilemma.

That's a dilemma that will be good for you to confront and resolve. Whether she's a competent cleaning lady or not is irrelevant. What's at issue here is her problematic behavior and yours, in response to hers. You need to fire her. Before you hire her replacement, do some therapy-guided work on why you've tolerated her behavior, and how you're going to ensure you don't tolerate this kind of inappropriate, unprofessional behavior in future.

Start your therapy, by the way, by exploring why you felt the need to qualify your subject line with the phrase, "first world problem."

OP knows that she is paying peanuts to a woman who busts her arse all day every day so she can take her tiny paycheck, back to her crappy home and hopefully put food on the table for her kids. That is why she feels weird about asking the woman to act like she is happy while working.

WTH is wrong with you?