My wife is an alcoholic

[Anonymous]

OP, DW here but otherwise I was in your shoes several years ago. I found bottles hidden, DH was acting strange, falling asleep on the couch at 7pm, lots of things you describe. I could go on for pages but really want to give you 2 bits of advice right now. 1) dont take “I promise I’ll stop” for an answer. She needs a program. AA might be enough if she does it properly, with a sponsor and all that, but just going to a few meetings may not be enough. Kolmac has an intensive outpatient program with medical supervision that you might want to check out. FWIW, I took “I promise I’ll stop 2x; after the 3rd time finding vodka in his water glass I told him to be in rehab within 24 hours or packed and gone. He really needed the help of a rigorous program. 2) take care of your family, and also go easy on yourself. Over the next few years you will probably realize this has been going on under your nose for ages. you may think you should have figured it out, and you will be angry with yourself and question a lot of things about yourself and your marriage. dont beat yourself up about it. Al Anon will help with this.

Hugs to you. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 99% sure. I’ve been finding empty bottles around the house, found some in her car, and she was clearly drunk at a neighborhood Christmas party and I had to bring her home. Last night I walked downstairs and she was on the couch with at least 6 beer cans around her. Brought her upstairs to bed. I sleep like a rock but she must have gone downstairs last night because this morning six more beer cans were gone. I just got home from work and found an entire bottle of wine buried at the bottom of the recycling bin so she was clearly trying to hide it from me but.

She’s held it together that I know of so far but I don’t even know where to begin.

Nothing you can do.

It's all about the patriarchy and institutional racism.

This man's family is about to go through hell. Please have some dignity or leave.

[Anonymous]

I agree she has been drinking heavily like this for a long time. Much longer than you think. You don't get to 12 beers on a Sunday night and a bottle of wine Monday night levels of drinking in 6 months.

[Anonymous]

I don't have answers for you, Op. You were married to your wife well before you had kids together. Your youngest is only 6 years old and your wife appears to be drinking throughout the day and night. The fact that she went to a parent teacher conference with alcohol on her breath and she had empty alcohol bottles in her car is really very alarming.

If your wife is the one driving your kids around during the day you need to make other arrangements for their transportation - ASAP. You also need to take the keys to your wife's car before she kills someone or gets herself pulled over and thrown in jail.

[Anonymous]

My ex-wife was like that except with prescription drugs. When confronted, it was entirely my fault that she was an addict. Years later she is still a junkie.

OP: you should document the behavior, and then file for divorce.

[Anonymous]

Been there done that OP. Unless your ready for years of denial, "lost money", dysfunctional kids, leave and take the kids with you. Take pictures of all the empties around her when she is passed out, it will help with custody issues. The pictures I took convinced the judge to give me full custody. That was 7 years ago and we are in a much better place right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With kids involved, get her help don't give her a choice. Tell her if she wants relationship with kids this is the only way. Don't regret don't hesitate. If she refuses to go you leave with kids. Every decision should be made with wage is best for them in the long run.

I told my alcoholic husband that I would divorce him if he didn't stop drinking, because our young children had to be my priority. I gave him a book called Adult Children of Alcoholics, though he didn't read it. The threat was enough. He quit 10 years ago.

She needs help, but you cannot help her. You need to protect yourself and your children. You have to be prepared to leave. Not as a negotiating technique, but because it is essential to your children's lives that you do. Read about how the psychological effects on them. It is appalling. Tell your wife that you have to go.

My DH didn't do AA. He read "Rational Recovery" and worked with a therapist who specialized in addictions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Coming from an alcoholic wife, don't put her on the defensive when you try to talk to her. She needs help, and there is an underlying reason that she's drinking. In my case, my husband had an emotional affair, not physical, but it devastated me. I am working my way out of this pit. He and I talk honestly, I am aware that I have a problem, but he admits and is truly remorseful for his part in it. I have slowed down a lot, am trying to quit, and the best thing that he does for me is that he doesn't nag at me or preach at me. He supports me and holds me, and listens to me. Watch "When A Man Loves A Woman". Your post reminded me of that movie. You and she will be in my thoughts.

No offense, but you don't drink because your DH had an emotional affair. That is merely the excuse you now use for drinking. Very convenient, since you haven't quit yet.

You need to get help. And your DH guiltily "supporting you" isn't helping. It's enabling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been there done that OP. Unless your ready for years of denial, "lost money", dysfunctional kids, leave and take the kids with you. Take pictures of all the empties around her when she is passed out, it will help with custody issues. The pictures I took convinced the judge to give me full custody. That was 7 years ago and we are in a much better place right now.

The best legal advice to get away clean-and-clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry. Do you have kids?

We do have kids. 10 and 6.

NP. My husband had an alcoholic mother and it scarred him deeply and ruined his childhood. His mother tried to hide her drinking but kids eventually figure it out: passing out on the sofa every night, erratic (drunken) behavior, screaming fights, etc

For your children’s sake, get you wife help.

Same but with alcoholic father. No child should have to see that. She gets help or you remove kids from situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Coming from an alcoholic wife, don't put her on the defensive when you try to talk to her. She needs help, and there is an underlying reason that she's drinking. In my case, my husband had an emotional affair, not physical, but it devastated me. I am working my way out of this pit. He and I talk honestly, I am aware that I have a problem, but he admits and is truly remorseful for his part in it. I have slowed down a lot, am trying to quit, and the best thing that he does for me is that he doesn't nag at me or preach at me. He supports me and holds me, and listens to me. Watch "When A Man Loves A Woman". Your post reminded me of that movie. You and she will be in my thoughts.

No offense, but you don't drink because your DH had an emotional affair. That is merely the excuse you now use for drinking. Very convenient, since you haven't quit yet.

You need to get help. And your DH guiltily "supporting you" isn't helping. It's enabling.

I'm sorry, but I agree with the last poster. Clearly you have a psychological fragility that is triggered by the affair, fine. But something else might have triggered it too. You can't blame your husband for your drinking, and he is wrong to go along with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been there done that OP. Unless your ready for years of denial, "lost money", dysfunctional kids, leave and take the kids with you. Take pictures of all the empties around her when she is passed out, it will help with custody issues. The pictures I took convinced the judge to give me full custody. That was 7 years ago and we are in a much better place right now.

The best legal advice to get away clean-and-clear.

19:39 here - dont be so sure, and learn your options. I consulted a DC divorce lawyer (we live in the district) and she said DC courts were famously in favor of joint custody even in situations like this - she said if he didnt have an arrest record and he was in AA that would be enough for a court to give him joint custody and refuse supervised visits. But really, one thing at a time. She may just need a good kick in the ass and support to go through rehab and get sober. My DH has been sober for 4 years after doing a real treatment program. Whether your marriage ultimately survives the harm done by this is another question, but start with seeing whether she is willing to stop drinking with the right help. FWIW I’m still not sure my marriage will survive, but at least my kids have a sober dad. If I had just left without giving him one solid chance with rehab, I’m reasonably sure he would have killed himself one way or another, and possibly others along the way (e.g., DUI)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry. Do you have kids?

We do have kids. 10 and 6.

NP. My husband had an alcoholic mother and it scarred him deeply and ruined his childhood. His mother tried to hide her drinking but kids eventually figure it out: passing out on the sofa every night, erratic (drunken) behavior, screaming fights, etc

For your children’s sake, get you wife help.

+1 I am the granddaughter of an alcoholic, and I can tell you that the trauma keeps on passing down the chain...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With kids involved, get her help don't give her a choice. Tell her if she wants relationship with kids this is the only way. Don't regret don't hesitate. If she refuses to go you leave with kids. Every decision should be made with wage is best for them in the long run.

I told my alcoholic husband that I would divorce him if he didn't stop drinking, because our young children had to be my priority. I gave him a book called Adult Children of Alcoholics, though he didn't read it. The threat was enough. He quit 10 years ago.

She needs help, but you cannot help her. You need to protect yourself and your children. You have to be prepared to leave. Not as a negotiating technique, but because it is essential to your children's lives that you do. Read about how the psychological effects on them. It is appalling. Tell your wife that you have to go.

My DH didn't do AA. He read "Rational Recovery" and worked with a therapist who specialized in addictions.

This. My heart hurts for your kids. Please save them. They are smarter than you know and also more hurt than you know.

[Anonymous]

My sister in law is a full on alcoholic. Manages, though, to keep a job! Is up in the morning. Her husband makes sure she has enough alcohol from 5 pm on. She can't remember anything the next day. Fascinating to watch.