My wife is an alcoholic

[Anonymous]

Also, please take her keys.

[Anonymous]

So sorry you're going through this. Take care of yourself, OP. Try Al-Anon and/or work with a therapist who is experienced working with families with addictions. Of course you want your wife to quit but if she doesn't get help you may have to leave the marriage.

Also, this is for later but realize that your kids may inherit this disease so be sure that they're educated about their own risk.

[Anonymous]

She needs to read the book called Rapid Recovery. But it will only help if she wants it to help. If she hasn't reached that point there isn't much you can do

[Anonymous]

We’ve been married 15 years. She has always been a social drinker and the “mom needs a glass of wine” type but honestly I never really saw that as THAT unusual. (Or maybe she was just good at hiding it.) But around six months ago I started noticing harder liquor in the house (like vodka) which we NEVER have on hand unless it is some sort of special occasion (eg having people over and making mixed drinks) and two months ago we were on vacation, just the two of us, in St. Croix for a week and that was really the first time in awhile it had just been her and I for a longer stretch of time and I did notice she was drinking more than what I would consider normal. She definitely has a high tolerance because she wasn’t acting super weird or anything but that was kind of the first inclination I had that something wasn’t right. And then a few weeks ago I noticed booze on her breath at our daughter’s parent teacher conference (!) and then this weekend was the first time she was really, clearly out of it and drunk.

I know she is going through some difficult times at work (major shakeups in her department, she’s had 3 bosses in 6 months and she’s frustrated with her company’s lack of direction) but obviously that doesn’t make the drinking acceptable.

[Anonymous]

I’m going to call Al-Anon tomorrow. I’m taking the day off and will try to sort through some things.

[Anonymous]

I'm in recovery.
My kids were about your kids' ages when I got sober. My DH had nagged me for years but I truly didn't think I had a problem. It took me getting to that realization myself, but no amount of talking or limiting or his controlling behavior ever helped me stop drinking.
What can you do right now?
Make sure the kids are safe, whatever it takes. Take her keys. Get a babysitter and go to Al-anon. You will find help there from supportive nonjudgmental people. From there you can decide how to handle your specific situation. Again, make sure you and kids are physically safe and be willing to leave if safety requires that.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry to hear that, OP. My father was an alcoholic and it had a terrible impact on my family. I cannot offer advice but some time ago I read this article in The Atlantic which questions the approach of Al-Anon and looks at alternative treatments. You might find it useful.

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/04/the-irrationality-of-alcoholics-anonymous/386255/

[Anonymous]

Make your children your priority. If your wife is not willing or able to get sober, do whatever is necessary to protect them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to read the book called Rapid Recovery. But it will only help if she wants it to help. If she hasn't reached that point there isn't much you can do

Rational recovery is the book

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been married 15 years. She has always been a social drinker and the “mom needs a glass of wine” type but honestly I never really saw that as THAT unusual. (Or maybe she was just good at hiding it.) But around six months ago I started noticing harder liquor in the house (like vodka) which we NEVER have on hand unless it is some sort of special occasion (eg having people over and making mixed drinks) and two months ago we were on vacation, just the two of us, in St. Croix for a week and that was really the first time in awhile it had just been her and I for a longer stretch of time and I did notice she was drinking more than what I would consider normal. She definitely has a high tolerance because she wasn’t acting super weird or anything but that was kind of the first inclination I had that something wasn’t right. And then a few weeks ago I noticed booze on her breath at our daughter’s parent teacher conference (!) and then this weekend was the first time she was really, clearly out of it and drunk.

I know she is going through some difficult times at work (major shakeups in her department, she’s had 3 bosses in 6 months and she’s frustrated with her company’s lack of direction) but obviously that doesn’t make the drinking acceptable.

It sounds like your wife may have just lost her job and she hasn't told you yet.
Al-Anon is a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Child of an alcoholic mom. I know you are but I can't reiterate enough: GET HER HELP. Your kids absolutely require it. I could go on for pages about the ways I became attuned to my moms alcoholism growing up and the repercussions it has had on me as an adult (some of which I am still discovering, in my 30s). It will impact their relationship with her *for life* if she doesn't get a handle on it. And they will unequivocally, 100% believe that even though she loved them, she loved alcohol more. And that is what will be what they'll never forget.

[Anonymous]

Op here: call your insurance company tomorrow and find it do they cover impatient treatment. If so, where and how much. Present this to her as the plan: we have coverage. Day after Christmas, you are going. Hit her hard with the kids: tell her you will not have them grow up with an alcoholic mom and she's better than that.

Don't allow options. She has to go. If she won't,, ask her what her plan is for moving out. I know this is scary and awful to think about but if you aren't dead serious the first go round she will never take it seriously.

[Anonymous]

Inpatient*, obviously

[Anonymous]

Sorry, that was a PP, not OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 99% sure. I’ve been finding empty bottles around the house, found some in her car, and she was clearly drunk at a neighborhood Christmas party and I had to bring her home. Last night I walked downstairs and she was on the couch with at least 6 beer cans around her. Brought her upstairs to bed. I sleep like a rock but she must have gone downstairs last night because this morning six more beer cans were gone. I just got home from work and found an entire bottle of wine buried at the bottom of the recycling bin so she was clearly trying to hide it from me but.

She’s held it together that I know of so far but I don’t even know where to begin.

Nothing you can do.

It's all about the patriarchy and institutional racism.