What is a reasonable time to come home after a long commute?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s unwinding so when he comes home he isn’t over stressed and unpleasant. I was never emotionally available to spouse or older child when I had to take the shortest route home, no stops allowed, to try to get back to them ASAP. Once I added time to decompress, I was better able to be the spouse and parent I wanted to be.

What was that like on the average day? What it sounds like is that your spouse did the work of dinners and baths and handling all the to-dos for the kids until you got home and could then, what, play with them? Or did you guys take turns having evening decompression time?

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This is not workaholism. It's bacheloritis.

I encourage my husband to be unstinting in his work, but I would be very upset with him if he came home late because he took personal time in bars or had hour-long phone conversations after work (he can have those at home). It is unbelievably selfish of him to linger outside the home considering you are waiting at home.

OP, your husband is taking serious advantage here. He's acting single and/or spoiled.

[Anonymous]

I mean this kindly, but you don't have a marriage, you don't even have a partnership. He is avoiding you.

Life is too short to stay in this relationship, I would consider leaving him and moving forward with my life. What would you really be missing by leaving?

[Anonymous]

The sad question is why are you still married? He doesn't seem to want to be open and to communicate with you.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes he’ll shoot me a text saying “wrapping up” at 7:30, but I don’t think he leaves right then because he doesn’t get home until 9/9:30 or so. But I don’t spend a lot of time responding and asking, because that means more time on the computer/phone and a later time to leave.

I don’t know, I feel like I’ve tried everything from giving him a hard time about it (this was three jobs ago), to just letting him do his own thing (now). But this doens’t feel like a marriage to me. I know he’s driven and he definitely has gotten promotions that his co-workers haven’t gotten, but it’s not like he makes that much more money to be working as late as he does.

I see couples doing things together after work and feel so envious of them. Hell, I was even jealous when I saw all the families trick or treating together after work. For the last three years, I’ve come home for Halloween and shut my lights off. I gave out Halloween candy once, but it felt sad doing it by myself and our street isn’t very popular for TOT’s anyway. Yes, I could go out and make more friends to do stuff with, but what was the point of getting married then?

You need to tell him this in a non-accusatory way. Just explain your feelings -- that you would like to do things together with him after work, that you envy marriages where the spouses are friends and enjoy hanging out together. He may need more alone time than you, but you guys have to find a compromise that makes you both happy. It sounds like you are not happy with the balance right now. Try talking to him about this, and see how he reacts. If he reacts negatively or no resolution comes of it, discuss the issue in therapy (you may have to try a couple therapists to find one that you both can work well with). If he won't go to therapy at all, start thinking about divorce.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I both worked late, by choice, pre-kids. If my husband went to the gym in the morning and was out until 9pm every day I would expect that he
A) is working on a promotion or a big project
B) doesn’t want to spend time with me

1 work event/ HH a week + 1 hobby/club/non-wrk social thing each week seems reasonable and normal. Every day does not seem normal.

You need to have clear expectations if you have kids or you will be burnt out and your husband will likely regret the loss of his free time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem in your marriage is summed up with you saying that you don't press for information. Why not? You know he goes to bars, and doesn't seem coming home to you after work is a thing. That is not how marriage works. First off, what are you afraid of? Second, couple communicate to each other if they are staying late at work, chatting up, that is called common decency. You keeping quiet about it, makes him think this dynamic is perfectly fine, so why change. Now, do you do the same, or do you tell him if you are going out, staying for drinks with friends till midnight? Or do you also not inform him if you won't be home till late?

Because I didn't keep quiet about it when we were first marriage and it led to all kinds of fights. He would blame me for not filling up the gas tank, etc. and repeatedly throw in my face how I didn't have a long commute. Oh, and yes, the stock options he got for working all those hours is what got us the down payment for our house and furniture, so I shouldn't complain.

Thanks for replying. So when you did bring it up, he became defensive and blamed you for...not having a long commute? I mean, I wish you the best in your marriage, but it seems your husband has no idea what marriage is. And that has nothing to do with either who works, doesn't work, works longer, earns more. I am very sorry for your situation. I hope you find a way to make it better. Is he really young and/or immature?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem in your marriage is summed up with you saying that you don't press for information. Why not? You know he goes to bars, and doesn't seem coming home to you after work is a thing. That is not how marriage works. First off, what are you afraid of? Second, couple communicate to each other if they are staying late at work, chatting up, that is called common decency. You keeping quiet about it, makes him think this dynamic is perfectly fine, so why change. Now, do you do the same, or do you tell him if you are going out, staying for drinks with friends till midnight? Or do you also not inform him if you won't be home till late?

Because I didn't keep quiet about it when we were first marriage and it led to all kinds of fights. He would blame me for not filling up the gas tank, etc. and repeatedly throw in my face how I didn't have a long commute. Oh, and yes, the stock options he got for working all those hours is what got us the down payment for our house and furniture, so I shouldn't complain.

Thanks for replying. So when you did bring it up, he became defensive and blamed you for...not having a long commute? I mean, I wish you the best in your marriage, but it seems your husband has no idea what marriage is. And that has nothing to do with either who works, doesn't work, works longer, earns more. I am very sorry for your situation. I hope you find a way to make it better. Is he really young and/or immature?

I would describe him as immature, yes. Not young (we're two years apart).

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. This is a crappy situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem in your marriage is summed up with you saying that you don't press for information. Why not? You know he goes to bars, and doesn't seem coming home to you after work is a thing. That is not how marriage works. First off, what are you afraid of? Second, couple communicate to each other if they are staying late at work, chatting up, that is called common decency. You keeping quiet about it, makes him think this dynamic is perfectly fine, so why change. Now, do you do the same, or do you tell him if you are going out, staying for drinks with friends till midnight? Or do you also not inform him if you won't be home till late?

Because I didn't keep quiet about it when we were first marriage and it led to all kinds of fights. He would blame me for not filling up the gas tank, etc. and repeatedly throw in my face how I didn't have a long commute. Oh, and yes, the stock options he got for working all those hours is what got us the down payment for our house and furniture, so I shouldn't complain.

Thanks for replying. So when you did bring it up, he became defensive and blamed you for...not having a long commute? I mean, I wish you the best in your marriage, but it seems your husband has no idea what marriage is. And that has nothing to do with either who works, doesn't work, works longer, earns more. I am very sorry for your situation. I hope you find a way to make it better. Is he really young and/or immature?

Admittedly, my communication skills need work and I didn't approach him about my issues in a healthy way, he got defensive and angry, etc. So I stopped harping on it. Now I just feel alone and unhappy.

[Anonymous]

He is avoiding you. What do you do as a couple, if anything? How long have you been married?

[Anonymous]

A couple of ideas:

1. Just ignore him and start doing your own thing. Not just come home / make dinner / go to bed, but find your own hobbies and activities. Don't sit around waiting at home for him.

2. Start scheduling things with him in the evenings. Make reservations for dinner at a restaurant near his office, meet him there. Sign up for a hobby or class together. Something where he has a commitment to meet you at a specific time and place. If he doesn't show up, enjoy it by yourself anyway, but make the events something that he'll enjoy so he's less tempted to "get stuck at work".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH doesn’t get home until after 9PM or so. Yes, he has a long commute, which says this isn’t his choice.

But when he had a shorter commute, he worked late and always had to stop for gas, etc. I learned a few years ago to stop waiting for him for dinners and such and started doing my own thing (which, you know, is just coming home and making dinner, because I’m married; once in a while meeting up with girlfriends, but they have their own husbands to go home to now!).

If I didn’t have a reason to think differently, I would be less paranoid, but DH’s father was a workaholic until he died. I’m not sure I’m really asking anything, just venting.

My DH is the same exact way. He could come home earlier if he left for work earlier but he's not a morning person (I wasn't either, but it turns out someone has to get up so the kids get to school!) so he sleeps in, then gets to work late (after long commute) then gets home late. The thing is, when he is home I find him kind of irritating because he interferes with our routine. I'm not sure if he's irritating because he's rarely there (so never got integrated into the routine in the first place) or my irritation is the reason he's not there. At any rate at this point, I'm fine with it and in return he's more interested in taking the kids places on the weekends and doing things with them then that I'd rather not. I guess it's a balance.

OP here, and I'm familiar with pattern as well. DH used to travel across the country every other week, which became the norm for a good couple of years. When he didn't have to travel, it totally upended my routine, I would get irritated and lash out, he would withdraw. I'm glad you and your DH found your balance. I know having kids doesn't make things easier, but I imagine it does give a reason to work harder for the relationship and let things go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is avoiding you. What do you do as a couple, if anything? How long have you been married?

Eight years.

Go to restaurants, go to friends' events (birthdays, kids' birthdays, etc.), travel, home reno (which he likes, I hate). . We talked about planning more outside activities like hiking, but neither of us followed up on it. Not to mention that kind of requires getting up early and he's a late riser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple of ideas:

1. Just ignore him and start doing your own thing. Not just come home / make dinner / go to bed, but find your own hobbies and activities. Don't sit around waiting at home for him.

2. Start scheduling things with him in the evenings. Make reservations for dinner at a restaurant near his office, meet him there. Sign up for a hobby or class together. Something where he has a commitment to meet you at a specific time and place. If he doesn't show up, enjoy it by yourself anyway, but make the events something that he'll enjoy so he's less tempted to "get stuck at work".

Good ideas. Thanks, PP.