What is a reasonable time to come home after a long commute?

[Anonymous]

This is just bizarre. You leave work, get in the car, drive, arrive home. If one person can't communicate with the other about what time they can be expected to walk in the door, that's just plain rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No kids, name does not start with L.

I’m not exactly sure when he goes into work because he goes to the gym in the mornings around 7:45/8, then heads to work.

One hour commute each way. So I’m guessing he gets there around 10:30/11?

Well if he doesn't get into the office until 1030 than he's probably working until 730, no?
At that time, he shouldn't have as much traffic driving home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No kids, name does not start with L.

I’m not exactly sure when he goes into work because he goes to the gym in the mornings around 7:45/8, then heads to work.

One hour commute each way. So I’m guessing he gets there around 10:30/11?

Well if he doesn't get into the office until 1030 than he's probably working until 730, no?
At that time, he shouldn't have as much traffic driving home.

Sometimes he’ll shoot me a text saying “wrapping up” at 7:30, but I don’t think he leaves right then because he doesn’t get home until 9/9:30 or so. But I don’t spend a lot of time responding and asking, because that means more time on the computer/phone and a later time to leave.

I don’t know, I feel like I’ve tried everything from giving him a hard time about it (this was three jobs ago), to just letting him do his own thing (now). But this doens’t feel like a marriage to me. I know he’s driven and he definitely has gotten promotions that his co-workers haven’t gotten, but it’s not like he makes that much more money to be working as late as he does.

I see couples doing things together after work and feel so envious of them. Hell, I was even jealous when I saw all the families trick or treating together after work. For the last three years, I’ve come home for Halloween and shut my lights off. I gave out Halloween candy once, but it felt sad doing it by myself and our street isn’t very popular for TOT’s anyway. Yes, I could go out and make more friends to do stuff with, but what was the point of getting married then?

[Anonymous]

I guess I think 6:30 or 7pm is the latest I think a parent should get home. Why can't he telework after the kids go to bed?

[Anonymous]

How is rolling in at 1030 afternoon the gym translate to driven?

[Anonymous]

Why is your commute so long if you don't have kids?

[Anonymous]

This is not workaholism. It's bacheloritis.

I encourage my husband to be unstinting in his work, but I would be very upset with him if he came home late because he took personal time in bars or had hour-long phone conversations after work (he can have those at home). It is unbelievably selfish of him to linger outside the home considering you are waiting at home.

[Anonymous]

How long have you been married? Do you have plans for children? At one point I kept a similar schedule when I had a ridiculous 90-minute commute, but I was single and had no one at home waiting for me. I don't think I'd be happy in your shoes either.

[Anonymous]

I don't think this marriage will last. Please, please do not have kids with him. If you cannot communicate now, things will be horrible with kids. When DH and I were married with no kids, we certainly both did a lot more staying late at work (working) and going to happy hours after work, but we always, always, always knew where the other one was. "Hey, I just go this brief dumped on me so I will be working late. Have dinner with out me." or "Bob, Sally, and Tom are going to happy hour and I was going to joint them unless you had other plans for us." Or even, early in the day, "Hey, so my quick run to the gym this morning turned into a 2 hour workout. I feel great, but I will be here until 7 at least to make up for the lost time." Him not communicating any of this to you is really strange but what is even weirder is you being afraid to ask. That really does not sound like a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This is not workaholism. It's bacheloritis.

I encourage my husband to be unstinting in his work, but I would be very upset with him if he came home late because he took personal time in bars or had hour-long phone conversations after work (he can have those at home). It is unbelievably selfish of him to linger outside the home considering you are waiting at home.

Pp again - it's not staying late that is the problem. It's the fact that it's not work-related. My father used to work late, and had to invite clients to dinners quite often, but it was always directly related to his work.
I have a friend who works in a start-up, so has to work like mad, and he comes home in time to read a bedtime-story to his kids, and then works in his home office until 3am. I don't know how he does it, honestly!

[Anonymous]

He's not working that much. If he gets in at 11, working until 7:30 or 8pm would be just a normal day (with a half hour or hour for lunch). And with an hour commute it would have him getting home at 9pm.

Sounds like you don't like his slightly later work schedule. I wouldn't consider him a workaholic since he's pretty much just working regular hours.

[Anonymous]

The problem in your marriage is summed up with you saying that you don't press for information. Why not? You know he goes to bars, and doesn't seem coming home to you after work is a thing. That is not how marriage works. First off, what are you afraid of? Second, couple communicate to each other if they are staying late at work, chatting up, that is called common decency. You keeping quiet about it, makes him think this dynamic is perfectly fine, so why change. Now, do you do the same, or do you tell him if you are going out, staying for drinks with friends till midnight? Or do you also not inform him if you won't be home till late?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem in your marriage is summed up with you saying that you don't press for information. Why not? You know he goes to bars, and doesn't seem coming home to you after work is a thing. That is not how marriage works. First off, what are you afraid of? Second, couple communicate to each other if they are staying late at work, chatting up, that is called common decency. You keeping quiet about it, makes him think this dynamic is perfectly fine, so why change. Now, do you do the same, or do you tell him if you are going out, staying for drinks with friends till midnight? Or do you also not inform him if you won't be home till late?

Because I didn't keep quiet about it when we were first marriage and it led to all kinds of fights. He would blame me for not filling up the gas tank, etc. and repeatedly throw in my face how I didn't have a long commute. Oh, and yes, the stock options he got for working all those hours is what got us the down payment for our house and furniture, so I shouldn't complain.

[Anonymous]

He's avoiding you. Goes to the gym EVERY DAY at 8am then doesn't come home until 9pm?

Can you meet him for a drink after work or are ever invited?

Do you spend weekends together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem in your marriage is summed up with you saying that you don't press for information. Why not? You know he goes to bars, and doesn't seem coming home to you after work is a thing. That is not how marriage works. First off, what are you afraid of? Second, couple communicate to each other if they are staying late at work, chatting up, that is called common decency. You keeping quiet about it, makes him think this dynamic is perfectly fine, so why change. Now, do you do the same, or do you tell him if you are going out, staying for drinks with friends till midnight? Or do you also not inform him if you won't be home till late?

Because I didn't keep quiet about it when we were first marriage and it led to all kinds of fights. He would blame me for not filling up the gas tank, etc. and repeatedly throw in my face how I didn't have a long commute. Oh, and yes, the stock options he got for working all those hours is what got us the down payment for our house and furniture, so I shouldn't complain.

He is treating you like a doormat. You are behaving like one. Pull a relationship 180, stat. (Google it)