What is a reasonable time to come home after a long commute?

[Anonymous]

DH doesn’t get home until after 9PM or so. Yes, he has a long commute, which says this isn’t his choice.

But when he had a shorter commute, he worked late and always had to stop for gas, etc. I learned a few years ago to stop waiting for him for dinners and such and started doing my own thing (which, you know, is just coming home and making dinner, because I’m married; once in a while meeting up with girlfriends, but they have their own husbands to go home to now!).

If I didn’t have a reason to think differently, I would be less paranoid, but DH’s father was a workaholic until he died. I’m not sure I’m really asking anything, just venting.

[Anonymous]

Is he actually staying late at work and working or is he stopping at a bar and killing two hours before coming home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he actually staying late at work and working or is he stopping at a bar and killing two hours before coming home?

I try not to press. I know sometimes he is working. But I have seen receipts for bars after work and not pushed him on it. Also, he recently mentioned having a one hour phone convo with a friend (former co-worker) about that person’s work situation, which tells me he has a lot of extra time at work.

[Anonymous]

Him not communicating with you about when he's coming home is an issue. Especially if you are making dinner. He's not your roommate, he's your husband.

You don't mention if you have kids, do you?

[Anonymous]

He’s unwinding so when he comes home he isn’t over stressed and unpleasant. I was never emotionally available to spouse or older child when I had to take the shortest route home, no stops allowed, to try to get back to them ASAP. Once I added time to decompress, I was better able to be the spouse and parent I wanted to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s unwinding so when he comes home he isn’t over stressed and unpleasant. I was never emotionally available to spouse or older child when I had to take the shortest route home, no stops allowed, to try to get back to them ASAP. Once I added time to decompress, I was better able to be the spouse and parent I wanted to be.

What was that like on the average day? What it sounds like is that your spouse did the work of dinners and baths and handling all the to-dos for the kids until you got home and could then, what, play with them? Or did you guys take turns having evening decompression time?

[Anonymous]

Does his first name begin with L?

There's an older guy at my office who hangs out late every night. Colleagues say he just doesn't want to go home. He mostly reads the news online after 5:30 or 6. He's not working.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he thinks it's normal, because it's what he grew up with. I wouldn't be happy with it, especially if we had kids. How long is his commute?

[Anonymous]

What time does he go in? Does the time line make sense?

I usually am home by 4:00, but typically get to work by 7:00 AM, with a moderate commute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s unwinding so when he comes home he isn’t over stressed and unpleasant. I was never emotionally available to spouse or older child when I had to take the shortest route home, no stops allowed, to try to get back to them ASAP. Once I added time to decompress, I was better able to be the spouse and parent I wanted to be.

How does the spouse at home who is handling everything feel about that?

[Anonymous]

No kids, name does not start with L.

I’m not exactly sure when he goes into work because he goes to the gym in the mornings around 7:45/8, then heads to work.

One hour commute each way. So I’m guessing he gets there around 10:30/11?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s unwinding so when he comes home he isn’t over stressed and unpleasant. I was never emotionally available to spouse or older child when I had to take the shortest route home, no stops allowed, to try to get back to them ASAP. Once I added time to decompress, I was better able to be the spouse and parent I wanted to be.

But was your family already in bed when you got home? Or about to be? Because that’s basically what happens here.

[Anonymous]

It's a little weird to me how little you know about your husband's daily routine. And how you seem to be really wary of asking for details, like what time he normally gets to the office and wtf are you doing from 6-9pm EVERY day.

Those are big huge waving red flags that you two do not have healthy, normal, open communication. You should just know these things from normal daily talking with him. Not from asking "so what exact time do you get to the office?". You seem hesitant to "press for details" which tells me he is defensive about that time.

DO NOT HAVE KIDS. This will get worse, not better. Therapy for you solo, with him if you want, before you ever even consider a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a little weird to me how little you know about your husband's daily routine. And how you seem to be really wary of asking for details, like what time he normally gets to the office and wtf are you doing from 6-9pm EVERY day.

Those are big huge waving red flags that you two do not have healthy, normal, open communication. You should just know these things from normal daily talking with him. Not from asking "so what exact time do you get to the office?". You seem hesitant to "press for details" which tells me he is defensive about that time.

DO NOT HAVE KIDS. This will get worse, not better. Therapy for you solo, with him if you want, before you ever even consider a child.

I agree. It’s hard to have conversations when he comes home after I go to bed every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH doesn’t get home until after 9PM or so. Yes, he has a long commute, which says this isn’t his choice.

But when he had a shorter commute, he worked late and always had to stop for gas, etc. I learned a few years ago to stop waiting for him for dinners and such and started doing my own thing (which, you know, is just coming home and making dinner, because I’m married; once in a while meeting up with girlfriends, but they have their own husbands to go home to now!).

If I didn’t have a reason to think differently, I would be less paranoid, but DH’s father was a workaholic until he died. I’m not sure I’m really asking anything, just venting.

My DH is the same exact way. He could come home earlier if he left for work earlier but he's not a morning person (I wasn't either, but it turns out someone has to get up so the kids get to school!) so he sleeps in, then gets to work late (after long commute) then gets home late. The thing is, when he is home I find him kind of irritating because he interferes with our routine. I'm not sure if he's irritating because he's rarely there (so never got integrated into the routine in the first place) or my irritation is the reason he's not there. At any rate at this point, I'm fine with it and in return he's more interested in taking the kids places on the weekends and doing things with them then that I'd rather not. I guess it's a balance.