What is a reasonable time to come home after a long commute?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No kids, name does not start with L.

I’m not exactly sure when he goes into work because he goes to the gym in the mornings around 7:45/8, then heads to work.

One hour commute each way. So I’m guessing he gets there around 10:30/11?

Well if he doesn't get into the office until 1030 than he's probably working until 730, no?
At that time, he shouldn't have as much traffic driving home.

Sometimes he’ll shoot me a text saying “wrapping up” at 7:30, but I don’t think he leaves right then because he doesn’t get home until 9/9:30 or so. But I don’t spend a lot of time responding and asking, because that means more time on the computer/phone and a later time to leave.

I don’t know, I feel like I’ve tried everything from giving him a hard time about it (this was three jobs ago), to just letting him do his own thing (now). But this doens’t feel like a marriage to me. I know he’s driven and he definitely has gotten promotions that his co-workers haven’t gotten, but it’s not like he makes that much more money to be working as late as he does.

I see couples doing things together after work and feel so envious of them. Hell, I was even jealous when I saw all the families trick or treating together after work. For the last three years, I’ve come home for Halloween and shut my lights off. I gave out Halloween candy once, but it felt sad doing it by myself and our street isn’t very popular for TOT’s anyway. Yes, I could go out and make more friends to do stuff with, but what was the point of getting married then?

OP, I think you need to think about what you're getting out of this marriage. You don't have kids, which is good in the sense that this problem would be a lot more difficult for you if you were also managing all the cruise direction of young children while your husband does whatever it is that he is doing and also in the sense that divorce is less complicated without children to negotiate. It sounds like you barely see your husband. How much time are you guys actually spending together? Do you communicate during the day? What sorts of things do you do together?

I used to be married to someone who had a similar pattern of behavior, except that he brought his work home at about 7:30 and then sat there on the couch "working on his laptop" until 10 or 11 every night. I agreed to have a child with him because I was very specific about what needed to change and he swore up and down that that would happen. It didn't. He really considered that 3-4 hours a night when he sat on his laptop while I watched TV or read or cooked dinner or whatever to be "time we were spending together." We argued about it all the time and like you, I tried a lot of different strategies to solve the problem, but what I learned is that you can't be the only one who sees it as a problem. Both people have to be on board with fixing it or else it'll just be you spinning your wheels and becoming increasingly resentful.

I'm certainly not one of the shrews on this board clamoring for people to get divorced every 5 seconds, but this doesn't sound like much of a marriage to me either and unless you can think of some really specific things that are worth salvaging, I would tell him that unless he changes his MO and starts treating your marriage like something he actually wants to be part of, you're leaving.

[Anonymous]

When our children were young my DH left at 7am and got home around 7:30pm but he had only a 30-40 minute commute. We rarely had family dinners during the week which was unfortunate. But, he rarely worked at home in the evening or on weekends and he always spent his free time with us so it worked out ok.

[Anonymous]

Ask him to turn on location services on his phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a little weird to me how little you know about your husband's daily routine. And how you seem to be really wary of asking for details, like what time he normally gets to the office and wtf are you doing from 6-9pm EVERY day.

Those are big huge waving red flags that you two do not have healthy, normal, open communication. You should just know these things from normal daily talking with him. Not from asking "so what exact time do you get to the office?". You seem hesitant to "press for details" which tells me he is defensive about that time.

DO NOT HAVE KIDS. This will get worse, not better. Therapy for you solo, with him if you want, before you ever even consider a child.

+1. I don't understand they mystery about your husband's day to day life. DH and I text often throughout the day and always have a general sense of what the other is up to. This whole dynamic sounds bizarre. DO NOT HAVE KIDS.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's just me being paranoid but I would immediately suspect that he has a girlfriend on the side. My colleague told me she used to have an affair with a married man who said he is going to the gym but show up at her house everyday at 7am. Just the fact that he doesn't get home late every day is enough for me to be very suspicious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's just me being paranoid but I would immediately suspect that he has a girlfriend on the side. My colleague told me she used to have an affair with a married man who said he is going to the gym but show up at her house everyday at 7am. Just the fact that he doesn't get home late every day is enough for me to be very suspicious.

+1 something in the milk ain’t clean....

[Anonymous]

If he indeed has a long commute, finishing at 7:30/8 and arriving at 9-930 sounds about right for a commute that’s about an hour. But you’re saying things like, this isn’t a marriage, I can’t ask him questions, I don’t know how he spends his time. So the issue isn’t the time coming home from work, it’s more than that.

It’s not normal for a professional to start work every day at 1030-11. Like not at all. Are you sure he’s going to the gym at 8 every morning? He’s not working regular hours at his job, leaving at 530-6 to be with his girlfriend or boyfriend, and then returning at 9-930? Because that seems more plausible. How’s your sex life?