What questions should I be asking before my dd goes to high school parties?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say I was going "out" and when I'd be home.

Never this.

We never let our kids just go "out." It is a set expectation that we know where you are going, who you are with, and what time you will be home. There's no curfew per se; just stick to the plan. If the plan changes, for example, you're going to Sam's house instead of Jake's, you let us know, or if you are stopping to get something to eat after the movie, you let us know.

I was counting days till college because my parents were asking all those questions. My parents still don't understand why I was so irked by those questions. None of those question stopped me from partying, I learned to hide well.

I'm curious, when you go out now, do you tell your kids where you are going and when you'll be home? When we leave the house, we tell our teenagers, "We're going out to dinner at X Restaurant with the Jones' and will be home about ten. We'll let you know if we stop off somewhere on the way home or are running late."

This isn't weird parent overreach; it's just common courtesy, and that's how we've explained it to them.

I know it's common courtesy but it irks me to this day, so I am not informative. Kids can see me on life360 if they want to. If they need me they text and ask when I am coming back. Same goes the other direction, I can see where they are and I ask if I need to know, not out of curiosity.

So, the takeaway is that out of some temper tantrum resulting from your parents' concern, you are rude. You openly eschew common courtesy b/c your parents -rightly, by the sound of it- wanted to make sure you were safe? Got it.

For the record, I also deceptively partied a lot in HS. But, I've come to if not appreciate, at least understand, why parents acted as they did. And I'm capable of acting like a courteous adult now. You should try it.

[Anonymous]

Make sure they know the good Samaritan law

The Maryland Good Samaritan Law? effective October 1, 2015, provides protection from arrest as well as prosecution for certain specific crimes and expands the charges from which people assisting in an emergency overdose situation are immune. If someone calls 911 in an effort to help during an overdose crisis, or they are experiencing an overdose, their parole and probation status will not affected, and they will now not be arrested, charged, or prosecuted for:
?Possession of a controlled dangerous substance??
Possession or use of drug paraphernalia
Providing alcohol to minors

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Transporting? I am not transporting kids to parties, it didn't even cross my mind. They have to figure out the way to pay for Uber (aka earn money for it). If they want to party, they have to do other things adults do.

So you let your kids leave the house in a stranger's car with no idea where they're going, who they're with, or when they'll be home. Got it.

[Anonymous]

Make sure they know the good Samaritan law

The Maryland Good Samaritan Law? effective October 1, 2015, provides protection from arrest as well as prosecution for certain specific crimes and expands the charges from which people assisting in an emergency overdose situation are immune. If someone calls 911 in an effort to help during an overdose crisis

I love Maryland for this
I hate Virginia for not having it
FCPS emphasized guilt by association, to such a degree,
that I thought it prevented kids from helping other kids in trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say I was going "out" and when I'd be home.

Never this.

We never let our kids just go "out." It is a set expectation that we know where you are going, who you are with, and what time you will be home. There's no curfew per se; just stick to the plan. If the plan changes, for example, you're going to Sam's house instead of Jake's, you let us know, or if you are stopping to get something to eat after the movie, you let us know.

I was counting days till college because my parents were asking all those questions. My parents still don't understand why I was so irked by those questions. None of those question stopped me from partying, I learned to hide well.

I'm curious, when you go out now, do you tell your kids where you are going and when you'll be home? When we leave the house, we tell our teenagers, "We're going out to dinner at X Restaurant with the Jones' and will be home about ten. We'll let you know if we stop off somewhere on the way home or are running late."

This isn't weird parent overreach; it's just common courtesy, and that's how we've explained it to them.

I know it's common courtesy but it irks me to this day, so I am not informative. Kids can see me on life360 if they want to. If they need me they text and ask when I am coming back. Same goes the other direction, I can see where they are and I ask if I need to know, not out of curiosity.

So, the takeaway is that out of some temper tantrum resulting from your parents' concern, you are rude. You openly eschew common courtesy b/c your parents -rightly, by the sound of it- wanted to make sure you were safe? Got it.

For the record, I also deceptively partied a lot in HS. But, I've come to if not appreciate, at least understand, why parents acted as they did. And I'm capable of acting like a courteous adult now. You should try it.

I had zero temper tantrums, instead I studied in secret so I could get into the college I wanted. I did not share my grades either (even though I had straight As). I don't like to share my life if asked and nothing changed about that. My friends, my kids, random people share a lot with me, at the same time.
I don't understand my parents' concerns as their track record is worse than mine (they are trusting people and I am not).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My freshman daughter seems to be getting invitations to a lot of evening/late night parties on weekends. She thought it was absurd when I asked if parents would be in the house where the party is. (I assume all freshman parents are asking the same thing and my daughter's humiliation for being the only one whose parents ask is going to blow over?)

I'm new to this-- what else should I be looking out for when she gets such invites?

[/quote

Set up a code word your DD can text you if she's ever scared or uncomfortable. If she texts it you call her tight back. Call don't text so her friends will hear the phone ring. You are the bad guy calling her home due to some infraction. She saves face with her peers and you let her complain about what a pain you are. Worked for my DD kn more than kne occasion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say I was going "out" and when I'd be home.

Never this.

We never let our kids just go "out." It is a set expectation that we know where you are going, who you are with, and what time you will be home. There's no curfew per se; just stick to the plan. If the plan changes, for example, you're going to Sam's house instead of Jake's, you let us know, or if you are stopping to get something to eat after the movie, you let us know.

I was counting days till college because my parents were asking all those questions. My parents still don't understand why I was so irked by those questions. None of those question stopped me from partying, I learned to hide well.

NP here. Do you have any actual advice for the OP so OP can do better than your parents did, or do you just want to brag about your powers of deception?

I don't think OP can as I don't think my parents could. All she can hoped for is that her kid is smart enough not to follow the crowd, not to eat and drink random stuff, not to be pressured into something she doesn't want to do and leave if it's uncomfortable. High school is too late to start with that, there were years prior to high school to talk about it and learn by example.

.

"All she can hope for"? So OP is supposed to cross her fingers, hope she did a good job all these years, and simply acquiesce when her DD announces she's going somewhere? There's a thing called "No" she can use too, if DD balks at parents transporting her, or doesn't provide the names of other kids who are going, or can't connect her parents with the parents who supposedly are hosting. You make it sound as if once HS begins, parents should just shrug and hope for the best and have no ability to set conditions and use discipline if needed.

Transporting? I am not transporting kids to parties, it didn't even cross my mind. They have to figure out the way to pay for Uber (aka earn money for it). If they want to party, they have to do other things adults do.
I learned couple of days ago that a "common" present from a parent to a kid, who is going to college,is a fake ID. That made for an interesting conversation as no way I can condone such a thing and I don't believe it's common. I am sure most of those parents will never tell me that they are doing it the same way I can only learn from kids that parents provide alcohol, not from parents.

This is bad. You have no idea where they are going. The worst type of party in high school happens in hotels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say I was going "out" and when I'd be home.

Never this.

We never let our kids just go "out." It is a set expectation that we know where you are going, who you are with, and what time you will be home. There's no curfew per se; just stick to the plan. If the plan changes, for example, you're going to Sam's house instead of Jake's, you let us know, or if you are stopping to get something to eat after the movie, you let us know.

I was counting days till college because my parents were asking all those questions. My parents still don't understand why I was so irked by those questions. None of those question stopped me from partying, I learned to hide well.

NP here. Do you have any actual advice for the OP so OP can do better than your parents did, or do you just want to brag about your powers of deception?

I don't think OP can as I don't think my parents could. All she can hoped for is that her kid is smart enough not to follow the crowd, not to eat and drink random stuff, not to be pressured into something she doesn't want to do and leave if it's uncomfortable. High school is too late to start with that, there were years prior to high school to talk about it and learn by example.

.

"All she can hope for"? So OP is supposed to cross her fingers, hope she did a good job all these years, and simply acquiesce when her DD announces she's going somewhere? There's a thing called "No" she can use too, if DD balks at parents transporting her, or doesn't provide the names of other kids who are going, or can't connect her parents with the parents who supposedly are hosting. You make it sound as if once HS begins, parents should just shrug and hope for the best and have no ability to set conditions and use discipline if needed.

Transporting? I am not transporting kids to parties, it didn't even cross my mind. They have to figure out the way to pay for Uber (aka earn money for it). If they want to party, they have to do other things adults do.
I learned couple of days ago that a "common" present from a parent to a kid, who is going to college,is a fake ID. That made for an interesting conversation as no way I can condone such a thing and I don't believe it's common. I am sure most of those parents will never tell me that they are doing it the same way I can only learn from kids that parents provide alcohol, not from parents.

They need to earn to pay for an Uber to get to parties? Right. They might take it one way if you're watching the pickup in front of your house. But if you really think they're going to spend their own money on Ubers or cabs to get places, you're more naïve than you think. They'll pile into cars with other kids from the party, sober or drunk. And if they do actually take an Uber home from a party and are drunk or high themselves, you're condoning their being in a vehicle with a total stranger while in a state where they're easy prey. You're so intent on not transporting your own kids, to make a point about "party like an adult, take an Uber like an adult," that you've got a huge blind spot. Your kids are going to end up being driven by drunk teens or by total strangers. Sounds like you're fine with that possibility, as long as they earned the money to pay for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Howoften is she getting invited to parties and are these invitations from your daughter's friends (through activities or long term friendships)?

Since she is a ninth grader, if she is truly getting many invitations to parties and because you say she is getting mad about you metioning you want to talk the the parents, I would be VERY concerned that she is running with the wild, popular crowd or that she is trying to piggyback on parties/bashes thrown by upperclassmen, and is setting herself up to make some choices that could have serious repurcussions on her life.

Most high school kids (especially freshmen) are not going to parties every weekend. Most high school kids who are going to parties are going with/to kids who are involved in their activities, so the parents tend to know one another or at least know the kids involved in the parties.

I would tread carefully OP. If you let her go, you need to drop her off (about 30-60 minutes after she asks to be dropped off so you can see if it is a wild bash or a gathering) and pick her up early (like 11:00, for the same reason). Show up about 20-30 minutes before you tell her you are picming her up so you can sit in your car and see what kind of party this is.

No sleepovers at her friends' houses after a party, and give her the hug test when she gets home. Be suspicious of she comes out chewing a bunch of gum or smelling of perfume. Remember all the things you did to sneak around when you were a teen.

my freshman has received no "late party" invites. Not sure if that's good or bad...He hangs with the same group from middle school, Saturday sleepover as usual. They go out but not to parties. I did not realize until recently how many of the 9th graders are already getting drunk, vaping and smoking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say I was going "out" and when I'd be home.

Never this.

We never let our kids just go "out." It is a set expectation that we know where you are going, who you are with, and what time you will be home. There's no curfew per se; just stick to the plan. If the plan changes, for example, you're going to Sam's house instead of Jake's, you let us know, or if you are stopping to get something to eat after the movie, you let us know.

I was counting days till college because my parents were asking all those questions. My parents still don't understand why I was so irked by those questions. None of those question stopped me from partying, I learned to hide well.

NP here. Do you have any actual advice for the OP so OP can do better than your parents did, or do you just want to brag about your powers of deception?

I don't think OP can as I don't think my parents could. All she can hoped for is that her kid is smart enough not to follow the crowd, not to eat and drink random stuff, not to be pressured into something she doesn't want to do and leave if it's uncomfortable. High school is too late to start with that, there were years prior to high school to talk about it and learn by example.

.

"All she can hope for"? So OP is supposed to cross her fingers, hope she did a good job all these years, and simply acquiesce when her DD announces she's going somewhere? There's a thing called "No" she can use too, if DD balks at parents transporting her, or doesn't provide the names of other kids who are going, or can't connect her parents with the parents who supposedly are hosting. You make it sound as if once HS begins, parents should just shrug and hope for the best and have no ability to set conditions and use discipline if needed.

Transporting? I am not transporting kids to parties, it didn't even cross my mind. They have to figure out the way to pay for Uber (aka earn money for it). If they want to party, they have to do other things adults do.
I learned couple of days ago that a "common" present from a parent to a kid, who is going to college,is a fake ID. That made for an interesting conversation as no way I can condone such a thing and I don't believe it's common. I am sure most of those parents will never tell me that they are doing it the same way I can only learn from kids that parents provide alcohol, not from parents.

They need to earn to pay for an Uber to get to parties? Right. They might take it one way if you're watching the pickup in front of your house. But if you really think they're going to spend their own money on Ubers or cabs to get places, you're more naïve than you think. They'll pile into cars with other kids from the party, sober or drunk. And if they do actually take an Uber home from a party and are drunk or high themselves, you're condoning their being in a vehicle with a total stranger while in a state where they're easy prey. You're so intent on not transporting your own kids, to make a point about "party like an adult, take an Uber like an adult," that you've got a huge blind spot. Your kids are going to end up being driven by drunk teens or by total strangers. Sounds like you're fine with that possibility, as long as they earned the money to pay for it.

Where we live teens use Uber, they don't drive to and from parties, it's just not the thing. I can see the charges, they use split fares. All I am saying, you should get to know your teen, not just set rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say I was going "out" and when I'd be home.

Never this.

We never let our kids just go "out." It is a set expectation that we know where you are going, who you are with, and what time you will be home. There's no curfew per se; just stick to the plan. If the plan changes, for example, you're going to Sam's house instead of Jake's, you let us know, or if you are stopping to get something to eat after the movie, you let us know.

I was counting days till college because my parents were asking all those questions. My parents still don't understand why I was so irked by those questions. None of those question stopped me from partying, I learned to hide well.

NP here. Do you have any actual advice for the OP so OP can do better than your parents did, or do you just want to brag about your powers of deception?

I don't think OP can as I don't think my parents could. All she can hoped for is that her kid is smart enough not to follow the crowd, not to eat and drink random stuff, not to be pressured into something she doesn't want to do and leave if it's uncomfortable. High school is too late to start with that, there were years prior to high school to talk about it and learn by example.

.

"All she can hope for"? So OP is supposed to cross her fingers, hope she did a good job all these years, and simply acquiesce when her DD announces she's going somewhere? There's a thing called "No" she can use too, if DD balks at parents transporting her, or doesn't provide the names of other kids who are going, or can't connect her parents with the parents who supposedly are hosting. You make it sound as if once HS begins, parents should just shrug and hope for the best and have no ability to set conditions and use discipline if needed.

Transporting? I am not transporting kids to parties, it didn't even cross my mind. They have to figure out the way to pay for Uber (aka earn money for it). If they want to party, they have to do other things adults do.
I learned couple of days ago that a "common" present from a parent to a kid, who is going to college,is a fake ID. That made for an interesting conversation as no way I can condone such a thing and I don't believe it's common. I am sure most of those parents will never tell me that they are doing it the same way I can only learn from kids that parents provide alcohol, not from parents.

This is bad. You have no idea where they are going. The worst type of party in high school happens in hotels.

I said that I know where, we all track each other. They don't party in hotels, plenty of houses to party at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say I was going "out" and when I'd be home.

Never this.

We never let our kids just go "out." It is a set expectation that we know where you are going, who you are with, and what time you will be home. There's no curfew per se; just stick to the plan. If the plan changes, for example, you're going to Sam's house instead of Jake's, you let us know, or if you are stopping to get something to eat after the movie, you let us know.

I was counting days till college because my parents were asking all those questions. My parents still don't understand why I was so irked by those questions. None of those question stopped me from partying, I learned to hide well.

I was counting the days too- well they loosened up at maybe at the end of senior year, which looking back is probably most appropriate. But I didn't lie to them, so my core group just kind of hung at each other's homes- drove out to eat, movies, maybe drop by a party a little early and leave. I was allowed to "go out"- meaning whatever field party I wanted- about 6 months before college.

I wasn't irked by the questions, it made perfect sense at the time, they were scared for what kind of negative things that could happen. I remember wishing they didn't care as much or "trusted me" but obviously even as a very young adult looking back I know wishing they didn't care was stupid.

YMMV

[Anonymous]

RE: the plenty of houses for kids to party at............aren't people scared shitless of liability?! I feel like I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my HS kids alone if I thought they were the throw a party type and obviously I can't be in the house and not be liable, what are these parents thinking- just that odds are nothing bad will happen? I mean most of the time, no its not going to happen, but the bad stuff that does happen is REALLY bad so its big calculus there to make, rape DWI etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say I was going "out" and when I'd be home.

Never this.

We never let our kids just go "out." It is a set expectation that we know where you are going, who you are with, and what time you will be home. There's no curfew per se; just stick to the plan. If the plan changes, for example, you're going to Sam's house instead of Jake's, you let us know, or if you are stopping to get something to eat after the movie, you let us know.

I was counting days till college because my parents were asking all those questions. My parents still don't understand why I was so irked by those questions. None of those question stopped me from partying, I learned to hide well.

NP here. Do you have any actual advice for the OP so OP can do better than your parents did, or do you just want to brag about your powers of deception?

I don't think OP can as I don't think my parents could. All she can hoped for is that her kid is smart enough not to follow the crowd, not to eat and drink random stuff, not to be pressured into something she doesn't want to do and leave if it's uncomfortable. High school is too late to start with that, there were years prior to high school to talk about it and learn by example.

.

"All she can hope for"? So OP is supposed to cross her fingers, hope she did a good job all these years, and simply acquiesce when her DD announces she's going somewhere? There's a thing called "No" she can use too, if DD balks at parents transporting her, or doesn't provide the names of other kids who are going, or can't connect her parents with the parents who supposedly are hosting. You make it sound as if once HS begins, parents should just shrug and hope for the best and have no ability to set conditions and use discipline if needed.

Transporting? I am not transporting kids to parties, it didn't even cross my mind. They have to figure out the way to pay for Uber (aka earn money for it). If they want to party, they have to do other things adults do.
I learned couple of days ago that a "common" present from a parent to a kid, who is going to college,is a fake ID. That made for an interesting conversation as no way I can condone such a thing and I don't believe it's common. I am sure most of those parents will never tell me that they are doing it the same way I can only learn from kids that parents provide alcohol, not from parents.

They need to earn to pay for an Uber to get to parties? Right. They might take it one way if you're watching the pickup in front of your house. But if you really think they're going to spend their own money on Ubers or cabs to get places, you're more naïve than you think. They'll pile into cars with other kids from the party, sober or drunk. And if they do actually take an Uber home from a party and are drunk or high themselves, you're condoning their being in a vehicle with a total stranger while in a state where they're easy prey. You're so intent on not transporting your own kids, to make a point about "party like an adult, take an Uber like an adult," that you've got a huge blind spot. Your kids are going to end up being driven by drunk teens or by total strangers. Sounds like you're fine with that possibility, as long as they earned the money to pay for it.

Where we live teens use Uber, they don't drive to and from parties, it's just not the thing. I can see the charges, they use split fares. All I am saying, you should get to know your teen, not just set rules.

I know my teen. I don't know that Uber driver.

Maybe you use some regular driver you trust. But I wouldn't put my perfectly sober teen daughter into an Uber. Your "all I am saying is...not just set rules"? Well, that childhood rule about "don't get into cars with strangers" works pretty well for teens and adults too. Especially when the adults get sloppy, useless "background checks." You can look this problem up in seconds online but Uber's so very convenient, parents don't want to know....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say I was going "out" and when I'd be home.

Never this.

We never let our kids just go "out." It is a set expectation that we know where you are going, who you are with, and what time you will be home. There's no curfew per se; just stick to the plan. If the plan changes, for example, you're going to Sam's house instead of Jake's, you let us know, or if you are stopping to get something to eat after the movie, you let us know.

I was counting days till college because my parents were asking all those questions. My parents still don't understand why I was so irked by those questions. None of those question stopped me from partying, I learned to hide well.

NP here. Do you have any actual advice for the OP so OP can do better than your parents did, or do you just want to brag about your powers of deception?

Way to miss the point. PP was sharing her experience to emphasize that unless you have a solid relationship built on trust, all of these questions can be asked and answered and your teen will find a way around you to go to whatever party they want. By the time high school comes around giving kids the third degree is not enough to keep them out of unsafe situations. Sorry to burst your bubble.