What questions should I be asking before my dd goes to high school parties?

[Anonymous]

My freshman daughter seems to be getting invitations to a lot of evening/late night parties on weekends. She thought it was absurd when I asked if parents would be in the house where the party is. (I assume all freshman parents are asking the same thing and my daughter's humiliation for being the only one whose parents ask is going to blow over?)

I'm new to this-- what else should I be looking out for when she gets such invites?

[Anonymous]

Just ask her what time she is coming back and that you will be the one to drop her off and pick her up. Everything else should have been instilled in her over the years; no drinking, no smoking, what to do if in trouble, blah blah blah.

[Anonymous]

Are you willing to be a "mean" parent? A ridiculous parent? It will be a continuous battle between teen who doesn't want to be embarrassed and your right to know. There is no one-size answer for you.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely want to know where it is. Specifically and who is hosting. Dropping off and picking up may be unrealistic in later years. You should assume that there may be drinking and drug use. How does your family feel about that even if your DD doesn't partake. At any rate, your expectations about getting into cars with someone who has been drinking should be very clear. We also set up a code that DC could text us that meant come get me if things were getting out of hand.

[Anonymous]

I insist on meeting the parents.

[Anonymous]

Related advice for next year and beyond ~ if you have a responsible child, make sure they get their driver's license on time. It's better to have your responsible child driving themselves home from any party rather than relying on friends they may not know as well.

[Anonymous]

I didn't ask any questions besides logistics. I can see location on life360.

[Anonymous]

"Do you know not to get in the car with any friend who's been drinking?"

"Do you know you can call me if you feel uncomfortable or scared, even if you've been drinking?"

"I trust you to make good decisions, but do you have any questions about birth control that we haven't covered?"

"Do you know that if the police show up and you're drinking underage, you'll be responsible for the ticket that you get?"

"Do you know that the town curfew is ____ and if you are not home by then, you can get a ticket by the police and escorted home by them?"

I don't know what your kid's friend group is like, but both of mine have pretty responsible friends. If the party is at a friend's house, I know it's not going to be crazy. However, they also go to parties where parents aren't present and I know this beforehand. They go to parties where parents are there. They go to parties where the parents are there but never check on the kids. They've been to parties that have been busted by the police. They've seen their friends get underage drinking citations. They've been to parties where the parents have supplied the alcohol. They're responsible kids and I trust them and so far they've not done anything to break my trust in them.

[Anonymous]

what kind of parties are these? birthdays? pre homecoming parties?

For the fun parties (i.e. underage drinking was involved) I would not tell my parents about them. I'd say I was going "out" and when I'd be home.

[Anonymous]

Is it illegal for underaged kids to be at a party where other underaged kids are drinking? I guess what I'm wondering is whether a kid who is NOT drinking could be caught up in something if the police show up at start issuing citations?

Same goes for drugs. I suppose it is probably illegal to be in a place where drugs are out in the open, but if a kid claims ignorance, would the cops give them a hard time?

[Anonymous]

I would say not to accept an opened beer but be sure to open it herself. And to stick with the one can all night, not having more than that.

And be home by midnight.

[Anonymous]

Howoften is she getting invited to parties and are these invitations from your daughter's friends (through activities or long term friendships)?

Since she is a ninth grader, if she is truly getting many invitations to parties and because you say she is getting mad about you metioning you want to talk the the parents, I would be VERY concerned that she is running with the wild, popular crowd or that she is trying to piggyback on parties/bashes thrown by upperclassmen, and is setting herself up to make some choices that could have serious repurcussions on her life.

Most high school kids (especially freshmen) are not going to parties every weekend. Most high school kids who are going to parties are going with/to kids who are involved in their activities, so the parents tend to know one another or at least know the kids involved in the parties.

I would tread carefully OP. If you let her go, you need to drop her off (about 30-60 minutes after she asks to be dropped off so you can see if it is a wild bash or a gathering) and pick her up early (like 11:00, for the same reason). Show up about 20-30 minutes before you tell her you are picming her up so you can sit in your car and see what kind of party this is.

No sleepovers at her friends' houses after a party, and give her the hug test when she gets home. Be suspicious of she comes out chewing a bunch of gum or smelling of perfume. Remember all the things you did to sneak around when you were a teen.

[Anonymous]

My freshman has been invited to a couple parties but can't go because of team sports (games are usually early on weekends.) Works for me.

[Anonymous]

Definitely ask where it is, if the parents are aware of it happening, what time she’s expected home, and how she plans to get home. The rest of the questions you may want to ask depend on what you allow in your home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd say I was going "out" and when I'd be home.

Never this.

We never let our kids just go "out." It is a set expectation that we know where you are going, who you are with, and what time you will be home. There's no curfew per se; just stick to the plan. If the plan changes, for example, you're going to Sam's house instead of Jake's, you let us know, or if you are stopping to get something to eat after the movie, you let us know.