What questions should I be asking before my dd goes to high school parties?

[Anonymous]

just let her know that she can call you for anything if something goes wrong at the party..

[Anonymous]

My DD is also in 9th.

Give me the phone number so I can talk with the parents.
Who else is going? (I want to hear friends names who I trust as good kids.)
What were you thinking of wearing?
What time do you think you'd be ready to leave?

And I DO talk to the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say I was going "out" and when I'd be home.

Never this.

We never let our kids just go "out." It is a set expectation that we know where you are going, who you are with, and what time you will be home. There's no curfew per se; just stick to the plan. If the plan changes, for example, you're going to Sam's house instead of Jake's, you let us know, or if you are stopping to get something to eat after the movie, you let us know.

I was counting days till college because my parents were asking all those questions. My parents still don't understand why I was so irked by those questions. None of those question stopped me from partying, I learned to hide well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say I was going "out" and when I'd be home.

Never this.

We never let our kids just go "out." It is a set expectation that we know where you are going, who you are with, and what time you will be home. There's no curfew per se; just stick to the plan. If the plan changes, for example, you're going to Sam's house instead of Jake's, you let us know, or if you are stopping to get something to eat after the movie, you let us know.

I was counting days till college because my parents were asking all those questions. My parents still don't understand why I was so irked by those questions. None of those question stopped me from partying, I learned to hide well.

NP here. Do you have any actual advice for the OP so OP can do better than your parents did, or do you just want to brag about your powers of deception?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Howoften is she getting invited to parties and are these invitations from your daughter's friends (through activities or long term friendships)?

Since she is a ninth grader, if she is truly getting many invitations to parties and because you say she is getting mad about you metioning you want to talk the the parents, I would be VERY concerned that she is running with the wild, popular crowd or that she is trying to piggyback on parties/bashes thrown by upperclassmen, and is setting herself up to make some choices that could have serious repurcussions on her life.

Most high school kids (especially freshmen) are not going to parties every weekend. Most high school kids who are going to parties are going with/to kids who are involved in their activities, so the parents tend to know one another or at least know the kids involved in the parties.

I would tread carefully OP. If you let her go, you need to drop her off (about 30-60 minutes after she asks to be dropped off so you can see if it is a wild bash or a gathering) and pick her up early (like 11:00, for the same reason). Show up about 20-30 minutes before you tell her you are picming her up so you can sit in your car and see what kind of party this is.

No sleepovers at her friends' houses after a party, and give her the hug test when she gets home. Be suspicious of she comes out chewing a bunch of gum or smelling of perfume. Remember all the things you did to sneak around when you were a teen.

+100

Listen to this post above, OP. This PP is right. Pay extra attention to the second and third paragraphs. She may be hanging with a partying crowd at school; freshman year is a big change. Does she freely talk about her new friends to you or do you not even know their first names? If you aren't at least a little acquainted with the kids whom she says are inviting her, it's a red flag. As PP says, it's not usual for freshmen to be out at late parties as much as you describe. Other posters will come on here and insist they were out partying at her age but in reality the kids doing that level of partying are not that many--but they are kids you don't want her emulating.

Also: Either you drop off and pick up or she doesn't go. You cannot assume that she would get a ride home with a sober (or even licensed) driver--she may say there's some older sibling who will drive people home etc. but --no. I'd pick up, and if she hates that she can stay home.

Her resistance to your question about parents' presence is another red flag. Of course you go and meet the parents. Ignore anyone who says not to drive her or not to set rules or ensure parents are home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say I was going "out" and when I'd be home.

Never this.

We never let our kids just go "out." It is a set expectation that we know where you are going, who you are with, and what time you will be home. There's no curfew per se; just stick to the plan. If the plan changes, for example, you're going to Sam's house instead of Jake's, you let us know, or if you are stopping to get something to eat after the movie, you let us know.

I was counting days till college because my parents were asking all those questions. My parents still don't understand why I was so irked by those questions. None of those question stopped me from partying, I learned to hide well.

NP here. Do you have any actual advice for the OP so OP can do better than your parents did, or do you just want to brag about your powers of deception?

I don't think OP can as I don't think my parents could. All she can hoped for is that her kid is smart enough not to follow the crowd, not to eat and drink random stuff, not to be pressured into something she doesn't want to do and leave if it's uncomfortable. High school is too late to start with that, there were years prior to high school to talk about it and learn by example.

[Anonymous]

How was middle school? That was time for lots of life lessons. I was surprised as a parent at what was going on, but I was also pleasantly surprised at how much kids learned about handling various situations, including dangerous and unpleasant. If your middle school was nice and quiet then I would focus on teaching your kid how to handle various situations, not you preventing them from happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say I was going "out" and when I'd be home.

Never this.

We never let our kids just go "out." It is a set expectation that we know where you are going, who you are with, and what time you will be home. There's no curfew per se; just stick to the plan. If the plan changes, for example, you're going to Sam's house instead of Jake's, you let us know, or if you are stopping to get something to eat after the movie, you let us know.

I was counting days till college because my parents were asking all those questions. My parents still don't understand why I was so irked by those questions. None of those question stopped me from partying, I learned to hide well.

I'm curious, when you go out now, do you tell your kids where you are going and when you'll be home? When we leave the house, we tell our teenagers, "We're going out to dinner at X Restaurant with the Jones' and will be home about ten. We'll let you know if we stop off somewhere on the way home or are running late."

This isn't weird parent overreach; it's just common courtesy, and that's how we've explained it to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say I was going "out" and when I'd be home.

Never this.

We never let our kids just go "out." It is a set expectation that we know where you are going, who you are with, and what time you will be home. There's no curfew per se; just stick to the plan. If the plan changes, for example, you're going to Sam's house instead of Jake's, you let us know, or if you are stopping to get something to eat after the movie, you let us know.

I was counting days till college because my parents were asking all those questions. My parents still don't understand why I was so irked by those questions. None of those question stopped me from partying, I learned to hide well.

I'm curious, when you go out now, do you tell your kids where you are going and when you'll be home? When we leave the house, we tell our teenagers, "We're going out to dinner at X Restaurant with the Jones' and will be home about ten. We'll let you know if we stop off somewhere on the way home or are running late."

This isn't weird parent overreach; it's just common courtesy, and that's how we've explained it to them.

I know it's common courtesy but it irks me to this day, so I am not informative. Kids can see me on life360 if they want to. If they need me they text and ask when I am coming back. Same goes the other direction, I can see where they are and I ask if I need to know, not out of curiosity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say I was going "out" and when I'd be home.

Never this.

We never let our kids just go "out." It is a set expectation that we know where you are going, who you are with, and what time you will be home. There's no curfew per se; just stick to the plan. If the plan changes, for example, you're going to Sam's house instead of Jake's, you let us know, or if you are stopping to get something to eat after the movie, you let us know.

I was counting days till college because my parents were asking all those questions. My parents still don't understand why I was so irked by those questions. None of those question stopped me from partying, I learned to hide well.

NP here. Do you have any actual advice for the OP so OP can do better than your parents did, or do you just want to brag about your powers of deception?

I don't think OP can as I don't think my parents could. All she can hoped for is that her kid is smart enough not to follow the crowd, not to eat and drink random stuff, not to be pressured into something she doesn't want to do and leave if it's uncomfortable. High school is too late to start with that, there were years prior to high school to talk about it and learn by example.

.

"All she can hope for"? So OP is supposed to cross her fingers, hope she did a good job all these years, and simply acquiesce when her DD announces she's going somewhere? There's a thing called "No" she can use too, if DD balks at parents transporting her, or doesn't provide the names of other kids who are going, or can't connect her parents with the parents who supposedly are hosting. You make it sound as if once HS begins, parents should just shrug and hope for the best and have no ability to set conditions and use discipline if needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know it's common courtesy but it irks me to this day, so I am not informative. Kids can see me on life360 if they want to. If they need me they text and ask when I am coming back. Same goes the other direction, I can see where they are and I ask if I need to know, not out of curiosity.

Then we'll just disagree. Is it the same for spouse? "Honey, I'm going out."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know it's common courtesy but it irks me to this day, so I am not informative. Kids can see me on life360 if they want to. If they need me they text and ask when I am coming back. Same goes the other direction, I can see where they are and I ask if I need to know, not out of curiosity.

Then we'll just disagree. Is it the same for spouse? "Honey, I'm going out."

I tell spouse who I am going with. As to where, I don't really know, we never plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say I was going "out" and when I'd be home.

Never this.

We never let our kids just go "out." It is a set expectation that we know where you are going, who you are with, and what time you will be home. There's no curfew per se; just stick to the plan. If the plan changes, for example, you're going to Sam's house instead of Jake's, you let us know, or if you are stopping to get something to eat after the movie, you let us know.

I was counting days till college because my parents were asking all those questions. My parents still don't understand why I was so irked by those questions. None of those question stopped me from partying, I learned to hide well.

NP here. Do you have any actual advice for the OP so OP can do better than your parents did, or do you just want to brag about your powers of deception?

I don't think OP can as I don't think my parents could. All she can hoped for is that her kid is smart enough not to follow the crowd, not to eat and drink random stuff, not to be pressured into something she doesn't want to do and leave if it's uncomfortable. High school is too late to start with that, there were years prior to high school to talk about it and learn by example.

.

"All she can hope for"? So OP is supposed to cross her fingers, hope she did a good job all these years, and simply acquiesce when her DD announces she's going somewhere? There's a thing called "No" she can use too, if DD balks at parents transporting her, or doesn't provide the names of other kids who are going, or can't connect her parents with the parents who supposedly are hosting. You make it sound as if once HS begins, parents should just shrug and hope for the best and have no ability to set conditions and use discipline if needed.

Transporting? I am not transporting kids to parties, it didn't even cross my mind. They have to figure out the way to pay for Uber (aka earn money for it). If they want to party, they have to do other things adults do.
I learned couple of days ago that a "common" present from a parent to a kid, who is going to college,is a fake ID. That made for an interesting conversation as no way I can condone such a thing and I don't believe it's common. I am sure most of those parents will never tell me that they are doing it the same way I can only learn from kids that parents provide alcohol, not from parents.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for good advice. I particularly like the idea of going 30/45 minutes after the party starts and getting there before the end.

I probably exaggerated the situation--it's just that we are pretty conservative and up until now her social life has been very transparent. This weekend she went to a party and has 3 more invitations for coming weeks. The crowd is getting much broader because the parties seem much bigger. Technically, I know most of the kids (i.e., I have met them at some point) but not nearly as well as I knew her friends when she was in middle school.

So I'm not worried that it's getting out of control YET but want to figure out appropriate measures and know what to look for.

[Anonymous]

I remember as a teenager my parents went out to a party or something in the evening and didn't come home til much later than I expected and I was a WRECK assuming they'd been in an accident or something. Of course, that was before cell phones so I guess that wouldn't happen today. But still, I think it's good for the family to know generally where I am and generally when I'll be home, for their planning purposes more than anything else.