When one spouse has a "big" job

[Anonymous]

How is he going to have custody if he can't even do dropoff or sick days???

[Anonymous]

Is it actually a good strategy to get a job if you are a SAH mom heading for divorce? I'm not a family lawyer so I don't know. I would think the court might award more $ to a mom who has. Even home (at her spouse's insistence) for years while he advanced his career. Op have you checked w a divorce lawyer on this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is not making sense. Does he know that if he gets full custody he will have to do ALL drop offs AND pickups and be there in the evening doing all things kids?

He wants full custody, because he does not want to pay any child support. He expects to find a hot wife younger model, and have her do the pick up and drop off. It's during the state of your marriage he may already have a candidate in the wings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHM with a marriage that has slowly been circling the drain, so my #1 priority the last few weeks has been to get a job, which I have finally done. It's not the best job in the world- I'll make just enough to cover daycare and gas to/from work, but it's doing something I love and there is opportunity for advancement, and it's about the best I can do right now. If I accept, I'll start in November.

DH knew I was applying and resisted, but I guess thought I wouldn't actually get an offer. He's not happy. He has a "big" job which he claims requires him to be on-call 24/7. My new job is early mornings- before daycare is open- the occasional evening, and about half of weekends. DH has stated that because of his job, he can not do daycare drop-offs even though he doesn't go in until 8, sick days, or watch our child on evenings/weekends because he may get called in. He never actually has been called in, but supposedly the potential exists. I don't know how much is true, but I do know many other people in his position at work somehow manage to have families, so I suspect most of this pressure he has brought on himself. He is pretty upset over this, so much that he skipped dinner (which I have never seen him do). He also stated that he never would have taken this job had he known I was going to go back to work. He has graciously (sarcasm) offered me a divorce as long as I sign over all custody to him, and barring that, he wants to live separate lives where I do my thing and he does his. Yes, he has a penchant for being dramatic, hence why we are headed towards divorce anyway.

Am I unreasonable in expecting him to pick up some kid duties? How do other people manage when one spouse has a job that is "more important"?

I am surprised he emphasize this earlier post. You should be prioritizing the highest pay, and most flexible family-friendly job you can find. Doing what you love should be something that you do after you are more established and have a better situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. Yea, I know he is being ridiculous. He thinks that if we divorce, he'll get full custody and his mom will leave her spouse, job, and life to come live with him and help out

Wow, he is a confused jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp, not OP here.

Because it’s not the morning drop off that’s the problem. It’s food shopping and kids sports and entertaining and cleaning and fitness and hobbies (have a service once a week for housecleaning but with three kids a dog and a large home it’s a lot). We vacation 6 weeks a year- no job is going to give me that off the bat. It’s also aftercare as my three are in ES and can’t be left alone like that yet. It’s also the 90+ days of travel my husband does per year.

I’m sure that many can understand that to rearrange an entire life that works well in order to earn money I don’t need while employing a housekeeper and nanny seems silly- I actually like caring for my own things and our families needs.

Okay, but we're not talking about YOUR life that is getting rearranged. We're talking about the OP, who is a SAHM in a marriage that she believes is in its death throes, which I agree with given that her husband's response to her asking him to drop off their one baby child at daycare was to tell her that he'd give her a divorce if she'd give him sole custody. She's not talking about making her husband responsible for "food shopping and kid sports and entertaining and cleaning and fitness and hobbies" (which are things that still happen in families where both parents are present and work out of the home to say nothing of single parent families). She's talking about asking that he take a baby to daycare, occasionally cover a day when the baby is sick and needs to stay home with a parent, and potentially spend time with his child nights and weekends.

It's like you didn't even read the OP.

I did read the post. If you believe that all that will change for the ops spouse is drop off, I disagree with you. And frankly I wouldn’t endanger my job by suddenly being less available if I thought my spouse was about to leave me.

Well, you've certainly been assimilated to the borg.

Believe it or not, there are many families where the mother works, and the father has a "big job" ... or even gasp, they both have big jobs! Or double gasp, the woman believe her labor (of all types) has equal inherent value to the family as the man's!

My labor is more important to my family than my husbands. I’m not quite sure what you are ranting about.

Great. Then you should be able to get a job then if his labor isn't as important. The point is -- nobody has a right to dictate to another person about what they do with their labor, particularly if they are *not being paid.* We have words for that ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Presumably said spouse willingly gave up her income in order to provide unpaid labor. Was it a joint decision? So then should returning to work be a joint decision. There is a child involved. To blame all on the man who is the Kids father and who has been financially providing for the family alone is not fair.

Did you read the OP? The man in this situation is refusing to do any childcare at all, basically as a way to keep his wife from working. I don't think that agreeing to exit the paid labor market for a period of time is some kind of lifelong indenture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp, not OP here.

Because it’s not the morning drop off that’s the problem. It’s food shopping and kids sports and entertaining and cleaning and fitness and hobbies (have a service once a week for housecleaning but with three kids a dog and a large home it’s a lot). We vacation 6 weeks a year- no job is going to give me that off the bat. It’s also aftercare as my three are in ES and can’t be left alone like that yet. It’s also the 90+ days of travel my husband does per year.

I’m sure that many can understand that to rearrange an entire life that works well in order to earn money I don’t need while employing a housekeeper and nanny seems silly- I actually like caring for my own things and our families needs.

Okay, but we're not talking about YOUR life that is getting rearranged. We're talking about the OP, who is a SAHM in a marriage that she believes is in its death throes, which I agree with given that her husband's response to her asking him to drop off their one baby child at daycare was to tell her that he'd give her a divorce if she'd give him sole custody. She's not talking about making her husband responsible for "food shopping and kid sports and entertaining and cleaning and fitness and hobbies" (which are things that still happen in families where both parents are present and work out of the home to say nothing of single parent families). She's talking about asking that he take a baby to daycare, occasionally cover a day when the baby is sick and needs to stay home with a parent, and potentially spend time with his child nights and weekends.

It's like you didn't even read the OP.

I did read the post. If you believe that all that will change for the ops spouse is drop off, I disagree with you. And frankly I wouldn’t endanger my job by suddenly being less available if I thought my spouse was about to leave me.

Well, you've certainly been assimilated to the borg.

Believe it or not, there are many families where the mother works, and the father has a "big job" ... or even gasp, they both have big jobs! Or double gasp, the woman believe her labor (of all types) has equal inherent value to the family as the man's!

My labor is more important to my family than my husbands. I’m not quite sure what you are ranting about.

Great. Then you should be able to get a job then if his labor isn't as important. The point is -- nobody has a right to dictate to another person about what they do with their labor, particularly if they are *not being paid.* We have words for that ...

If OP wants to change course she should get a divorce, then move on to her job. It simply doesn’t make any sense to take a job for negative income when on the cusp of divorce after being a sahm as others have suggested.

I know of people who have left spouses who refused to work. Technically can we dictate what others do? Maybe not- but we can dictate whether we are married to them or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp, not OP here.

Because it’s not the morning drop off that’s the problem. It’s food shopping and kids sports and entertaining and cleaning and fitness and hobbies (have a service once a week for housecleaning but with three kids a dog and a large home it’s a lot). We vacation 6 weeks a year- no job is going to give me that off the bat. It’s also aftercare as my three are in ES and can’t be left alone like that yet. It’s also the 90+ days of travel my husband does per year.

I’m sure that many can understand that to rearrange an entire life that works well in order to earn money I don’t need while employing a housekeeper and nanny seems silly- I actually like caring for my own things and our families needs.

Okay, but we're not talking about YOUR life that is getting rearranged. We're talking about the OP, who is a SAHM in a marriage that she believes is in its death throes, which I agree with given that her husband's response to her asking him to drop off their one baby child at daycare was to tell her that he'd give her a divorce if she'd give him sole custody. She's not talking about making her husband responsible for "food shopping and kid sports and entertaining and cleaning and fitness and hobbies" (which are things that still happen in families where both parents are present and work out of the home to say nothing of single parent families). She's talking about asking that he take a baby to daycare, occasionally cover a day when the baby is sick and needs to stay home with a parent, and potentially spend time with his child nights and weekends.

It's like you didn't even read the OP.

I did read the post. If you believe that all that will change for the ops spouse is drop off, I disagree with you. And frankly I wouldn’t endanger my job by suddenly being less available if I thought my spouse was about to leave me.

Well, you've certainly been assimilated to the borg.

Believe it or not, there are many families where the mother works, and the father has a "big job" ... or even gasp, they both have big jobs! Or double gasp, the woman believe her labor (of all types) has equal inherent value to the family as the man's!

My labor is more important to my family than my husbands. I’m not quite sure what you are ranting about.

Great. Then you should be able to get a job then if his labor isn't as important. The point is -- nobody has a right to dictate to another person about what they do with their labor, particularly if they are *not being paid.* We have words for that ...

The courts sure are going to dictate what they do with the results of their labor. She can do whatever she wants- but to pretend that their are no consequences for making decisions that input your child and spouse without your child and spouses input is not wise. If you quit your job to SAH without having your spouse on board I’d say the same thing. It’s just a fact.

[Anonymous]

If you signed over custody to him how on earth would he manage to get his kid to daycare and back regularly? You know, since he's "on call" at all times.

Is he a transplant surgeon? My husband is a law partner and he has come in late, left early, and had two little girls twirling in his office on occasion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp, not OP here.

Because it’s not the morning drop off that’s the problem. It’s food shopping and kids sports and entertaining and cleaning and fitness and hobbies (have a service once a week for housecleaning but with three kids a dog and a large home it’s a lot). We vacation 6 weeks a year- no job is going to give me that off the bat. It’s also aftercare as my three are in ES and can’t be left alone like that yet. It’s also the 90+ days of travel my husband does per year.

I’m sure that many can understand that to rearrange an entire life that works well in order to earn money I don’t need while employing a housekeeper and nanny seems silly- I actually like caring for my own things and our families needs.

Okay, but we're not talking about YOUR life that is getting rearranged. We're talking about the OP, who is a SAHM in a marriage that she believes is in its death throes, which I agree with given that her husband's response to her asking him to drop off their one baby child at daycare was to tell her that he'd give her a divorce if she'd give him sole custody. She's not talking about making her husband responsible for "food shopping and kid sports and entertaining and cleaning and fitness and hobbies" (which are things that still happen in families where both parents are present and work out of the home to say nothing of single parent families). She's talking about asking that he take a baby to daycare, occasionally cover a day when the baby is sick and needs to stay home with a parent, and potentially spend time with his child nights and weekends.

It's like you didn't even read the OP.

I did read the post. If you believe that all that will change for the ops spouse is drop off, I disagree with you. And frankly I wouldn’t endanger my job by suddenly being less available if I thought my spouse was about to leave me.

Well, you've certainly been assimilated to the borg.

Believe it or not, there are many families where the mother works, and the father has a "big job" ... or even gasp, they both have big jobs! Or double gasp, the woman believe her labor (of all types) has equal inherent value to the family as the man's!

My labor is more important to my family than my husbands. I’m not quite sure what you are ranting about.

Great. Then you should be able to get a job then if his labor isn't as important. The point is -- nobody has a right to dictate to another person about what they do with their labor, particularly if they are *not being paid.* We have words for that ...

The courts sure are going to dictate what they do with the results of their labor. She can do whatever she wants- but to pretend that their are no consequences for making decisions that input your child and spouse without your child and spouses input is not wise. If you quit your job to SAH without having your spouse on board I’d say the same thing. It’s just a fact.

Guess what - she asked for input, and her DH acted manifestly unreasonably (threatening divorce!) There's no point trying to talk things through with somebody who takes an objectively unreasonable position.

[Anonymous]

There’s also no point in being married to them. I’m not sure why you think only one spouse could or should move to protect themselves when divorce is looming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s also no point in being married to them. I’m not sure why you think only one spouse could or should move to protect themselves when divorce is looming.

what? are you trying to create some false equivalency here? OP's DH is trying to sabotage her attempt to enter the workforce by refusing to care for their baby and threatening to get full custody and divorce. that's abusive, not a "move to protect." A non-abusive spouse would not block her move towards financial independence, **especially** if divorce is already a possibility. He'd see it as a responsible thing to do on all sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you signed over custody to him how on earth would he manage to get his kid to daycare and back regularly? You know, since he's "on call" at all times.

Is he a transplant surgeon? My husband is a law partner and he has come in late, left early, and had two little girls twirling in his office on occasion.

OP here, happy to hear this. My DH is also in law, so good to know he actually can rearrange his schedule to accommodate kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s also no point in being married to them. I’m not sure why you think only one spouse could or should move to protect themselves when divorce is looming.

what? are you trying to create some false equivalency here? OP's DH is trying to sabotage her attempt to enter the workforce by refusing to care for their baby and threatening to get full custody and divorce. that's abusive, not a "move to protect." A non-abusive spouse would not block her move towards financial independence, **especially** if divorce is already a possibility. He'd see it as a responsible thing to do on all sides.

I guess that’s the difference.

My spouse taking a job which barely covered childcare and affected the high income job that had been supporting the family would be a move away from financial independence, not towards it.