When one spouse has a "big" job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d say “no problem sign this post nup and I will quit today”.


Look- I get it. I could “insist” that my husband change his entire work life so that I could go back to work and not have my life suck (meaning still handle everything in the home plus work)but he would have to quit his very high paying job that he’s invested so much emotional and time labor in. That job has paid the day to day for our family of 5 for 12 years. I’m very pragmatic- me going back to work for 100k or even $150k would mean an overall loss of income for our family.

Just like if you’d made plans to be a SAHM and then you had kids and he told you to scurry back to work you’d be upset- he probably DID make career plans based upon you SAH. He sounds like a jerk overall (and a child)- but nobody likes feeling trapped or like the big bait and switch is going on.

Sure, but in mature couples, people talk about these decisions like adults, rather than the way that OP and her husband are talking about them. Seriously. "If you want to go back to work, we can divorce and you can give me sole custody" as a response to "Can you drop the kid off at daycare so that I can go work at this job that I am excited about?"

She's not talking about him staying home with the kids. She's talking about him literally taking a child to daycare on his way to work.

[Anonymous]

Pp, not OP here.

Because it’s not the morning drop off that’s the problem. It’s food shopping and kids sports and entertaining and cleaning and fitness and hobbies (have a service once a week for housecleaning but with three kids a dog and a large home it’s a lot). We vacation 6 weeks a year- no job is going to give me that off the bat. It’s also aftercare as my three are in ES and can’t be left alone like that yet. It’s also the 90+ days of travel my husband does per year.

I’m sure that many can understand that to rearrange an entire life that works well in order to earn money I don’t need while employing a housekeeper and nanny seems silly- I actually like caring for my own things and our families needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d say “no problem sign this post nup and I will quit today”.


Look- I get it. I could “insist” that my husband change his entire work life so that I could go back to work and not have my life suck (meaning still handle everything in the home plus work)but he would have to quit his very high paying job that he’s invested so much emotional and time labor in. That job has paid the day to day for our family of 5 for 12 years. I’m very pragmatic- me going back to work for 100k or even $150k would mean an overall loss of income for our family.

Just like if you’d made plans to be a SAHM and then you had kids and he told you to scurry back to work you’d be upset- he probably DID make career plans based upon you SAH. He sounds like a jerk overall (and a child)- but nobody likes feeling trapped or like the big bait and switch is going on.

Sure, but in mature couples, people talk about these decisions like adults, rather than the way that OP and her husband are talking about them. Seriously. "If you want to go back to work, we can divorce and you can give me sole custody" as a response to "Can you drop the kid off at daycare so that I can go work at this job that I am excited about?"

She's not talking about him staying home with the kids. She's talking about him literally taking a child to daycare on his way to work.

I agree- but if you think that having two vs one working spouse only actually means a daycare drop off- id think you were talking about a situation that few would want- the same responsibility as a SAHM plus working full time? No way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp, not OP here.

Because it’s not the morning drop off that’s the problem. It’s food shopping and kids sports and entertaining and cleaning and fitness and hobbies (have a service once a week for housecleaning but with three kids a dog and a large home it’s a lot). We vacation 6 weeks a year- no job is going to give me that off the bat. It’s also aftercare as my three are in ES and can’t be left alone like that yet. It’s also the 90+ days of travel my husband does per year.

I’m sure that many can understand that to rearrange an entire life that works well in order to earn money I don’t need while employing a housekeeper and nanny seems silly- I actually like caring for my own things and our families needs.

Okay, but we're not talking about YOUR life that is getting rearranged. We're talking about the OP, who is a SAHM in a marriage that she believes is in its death throes, which I agree with given that her husband's response to her asking him to drop off their one baby child at daycare was to tell her that he'd give her a divorce if she'd give him sole custody. She's not talking about making her husband responsible for "food shopping and kid sports and entertaining and cleaning and fitness and hobbies" (which are things that still happen in families where both parents are present and work out of the home to say nothing of single parent families). She's talking about asking that he take a baby to daycare, occasionally cover a day when the baby is sick and needs to stay home with a parent, and potentially spend time with his child nights and weekends.

It's like you didn't even read the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH sucks.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d say “no problem sign this post nup and I will quit today”.


Look- I get it. I could “insist” that my husband change his entire work life so that I could go back to work and not have my life suck (meaning still handle everything in the home plus work)but he would have to quit his very high paying job that he’s invested so much emotional and time labor in. That job has paid the day to day for our family of 5 for 12 years. I’m very pragmatic- me going back to work for 100k or even $150k would mean an overall loss of income for our family.

Just like if you’d made plans to be a SAHM and then you had kids and he told you to scurry back to work you’d be upset- he probably DID make career plans based upon you SAH. He sounds like a jerk overall (and a child)- but nobody likes feeling trapped or like the big bait and switch is going on.

Sure, but in mature couples, people talk about these decisions like adults, rather than the way that OP and her husband are talking about them. Seriously. "If you want to go back to work, we can divorce and you can give me sole custody" as a response to "Can you drop the kid off at daycare so that I can go work at this job that I am excited about?"

She's not talking about him staying home with the kids. She's talking about him literally taking a child to daycare on his way to work.

What she asked for was morning drop off, some nights, some weekends. He is unwilling to agree to do ANY of those because he might get called in for work. He's not even willing to work with her to come up with a plan, since his response to the situation was to suggest divorce.

I agree- but if you think that having two vs one working spouse only actually means a daycare drop off- id think you were talking about a situation that few would want- the same responsibility as a SAHM plus working full time? No way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp, not OP here.

Because it’s not the morning drop off that’s the problem. It’s food shopping and kids sports and entertaining and cleaning and fitness and hobbies (have a service once a week for housecleaning but with three kids a dog and a large home it’s a lot). We vacation 6 weeks a year- no job is going to give me that off the bat. It’s also aftercare as my three are in ES and can’t be left alone like that yet. It’s also the 90+ days of travel my husband does per year.

I’m sure that many can understand that to rearrange an entire life that works well in order to earn money I don’t need while employing a housekeeper and nanny seems silly- I actually like caring for my own things and our families needs.

Okay, but we're not talking about YOUR life that is getting rearranged. We're talking about the OP, who is a SAHM in a marriage that she believes is in its death throes, which I agree with given that her husband's response to her asking him to drop off their one baby child at daycare was to tell her that he'd give her a divorce if she'd give him sole custody. She's not talking about making her husband responsible for "food shopping and kid sports and entertaining and cleaning and fitness and hobbies" (which are things that still happen in families where both parents are present and work out of the home to say nothing of single parent families). She's talking about asking that he take a baby to daycare, occasionally cover a day when the baby is sick and needs to stay home with a parent, and potentially spend time with his child nights and weekends.

It's like you didn't even read the OP.

I did read the post. If you believe that all that will change for the ops spouse is drop off, I disagree with you. And frankly I wouldn’t endanger my job by suddenly being less available if I thought my spouse was about to leave me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp, not OP here.

Because it’s not the morning drop off that’s the problem. It’s food shopping and kids sports and entertaining and cleaning and fitness and hobbies (have a service once a week for housecleaning but with three kids a dog and a large home it’s a lot). We vacation 6 weeks a year- no job is going to give me that off the bat. It’s also aftercare as my three are in ES and can’t be left alone like that yet. It’s also the 90+ days of travel my husband does per year.

I’m sure that many can understand that to rearrange an entire life that works well in order to earn money I don’t need while employing a housekeeper and nanny seems silly- I actually like caring for my own things and our families needs.

Okay, but we're not talking about YOUR life that is getting rearranged. We're talking about the OP, who is a SAHM in a marriage that she believes is in its death throes, which I agree with given that her husband's response to her asking him to drop off their one baby child at daycare was to tell her that he'd give her a divorce if she'd give him sole custody. She's not talking about making her husband responsible for "food shopping and kid sports and entertaining and cleaning and fitness and hobbies" (which are things that still happen in families where both parents are present and work out of the home to say nothing of single parent families). She's talking about asking that he take a baby to daycare, occasionally cover a day when the baby is sick and needs to stay home with a parent, and potentially spend time with his child nights and weekends.

It's like you didn't even read the OP.

I did read the post. If you believe that all that will change for the ops spouse is drop off, I disagree with you. And frankly I wouldn’t endanger my job by suddenly being less available if I thought my spouse was about to leave me.

One wonders what OP's husband's plan is vis-a-vis his supposed desire for sole custody. How will his "big job" accommodate needing to care for a baby all the time?

[Anonymous]

If his job is so demanding that he can literally never be relied upon to be with his kids, then he'd likely not get custody. Perhaps you can point that out when he makes melodramatic threats.

Outsource even if it means you actually pay to work. He used his career and ecinimical powere to strip you of any choice on your life. The only way to get that back is to get a job and work your way up to being able to support yourself economically
If you back down now and cave to his threats, you will be essentially consolidating his control because it will only be harder as you get older to jump into the workforce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp, not OP here.

Because it’s not the morning drop off that’s the problem. It’s food shopping and kids sports and entertaining and cleaning and fitness and hobbies (have a service once a week for housecleaning but with three kids a dog and a large home it’s a lot). We vacation 6 weeks a year- no job is going to give me that off the bat. It’s also aftercare as my three are in ES and can’t be left alone like that yet. It’s also the 90+ days of travel my husband does per year.

I’m sure that many can understand that to rearrange an entire life that works well in order to earn money I don’t need while employing a housekeeper and nanny seems silly- I actually like caring for my own things and our families needs.

Okay, but we're not talking about YOUR life that is getting rearranged. We're talking about the OP, who is a SAHM in a marriage that she believes is in its death throes, which I agree with given that her husband's response to her asking him to drop off their one baby child at daycare was to tell her that he'd give her a divorce if she'd give him sole custody. She's not talking about making her husband responsible for "food shopping and kid sports and entertaining and cleaning and fitness and hobbies" (which are things that still happen in families where both parents are present and work out of the home to say nothing of single parent families). She's talking about asking that he take a baby to daycare, occasionally cover a day when the baby is sick and needs to stay home with a parent, and potentially spend time with his child nights and weekends.

It's like you didn't even read the OP.

I did read the post. If you believe that all that will change for the ops spouse is drop off, I disagree with you. And frankly I wouldn’t endanger my job by suddenly being less available if I thought my spouse was about to leave me.

One wonders what OP's husband's plan is vis-a-vis his supposed desire for sole custody. How will his "big job" accommodate needing to care for a baby all the time?

I could address that, but since we all know he would not be granted that (unless op is not admitting abuse or something), it doesn’t really matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp, not OP here.

Because it’s not the morning drop off that’s the problem. It’s food shopping and kids sports and entertaining and cleaning and fitness and hobbies (have a service once a week for housecleaning but with three kids a dog and a large home it’s a lot). We vacation 6 weeks a year- no job is going to give me that off the bat. It’s also aftercare as my three are in ES and can’t be left alone like that yet. It’s also the 90+ days of travel my husband does per year.

I’m sure that many can understand that to rearrange an entire life that works well in order to earn money I don’t need while employing a housekeeper and nanny seems silly- I actually like caring for my own things and our families needs.

Okay, but we're not talking about YOUR life that is getting rearranged. We're talking about the OP, who is a SAHM in a marriage that she believes is in its death throes, which I agree with given that her husband's response to her asking him to drop off their one baby child at daycare was to tell her that he'd give her a divorce if she'd give him sole custody. She's not talking about making her husband responsible for "food shopping and kid sports and entertaining and cleaning and fitness and hobbies" (which are things that still happen in families where both parents are present and work out of the home to say nothing of single parent families). She's talking about asking that he take a baby to daycare, occasionally cover a day when the baby is sick and needs to stay home with a parent, and potentially spend time with his child nights and weekends.

It's like you didn't even read the OP.

I did read the post. If you believe that all that will change for the ops spouse is drop off, I disagree with you. And frankly I wouldn’t endanger my job by suddenly being less available if I thought my spouse was about to leave me.

Well, you've certainly been assimilated to the borg.

Believe it or not, there are many families where the mother works, and the father has a "big job" ... or even gasp, they both have big jobs! Or double gasp, the woman believe her labor (of all types) has equal inherent value to the family as the man's!

[Anonymous]

Of course! You are neglecting the change here. Op is suggesting transitioning FROM one model of child rearing to another- when the couple had presumably agreed on the other.

If you suddenly changing to a SAHM model where your husband provides all wouldn’t change your dynamic, you awe me! This is no different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course! You are neglecting the change here. Op is suggesting transitioning FROM one model of child rearing to another- when the couple had presumably agreed on the other.

If you suddenly changing to a SAHM model where your husband provides all wouldn’t change your dynamic, you awe me! This is no different.

OP's DH has no right to her unpaid labor. It doesn't really matter how sudden the change is! He has zero right to insist that she put all her earning potential into childcare.

[Anonymous]

Presumably said spouse willingly gave up her income in order to provide unpaid labor. Was it a joint decision? So then should returning to work be a joint decision. There is a child involved. To blame all on the man who is the Kids father and who has been financially providing for the family alone is not fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp, not OP here.

Because it’s not the morning drop off that’s the problem. It’s food shopping and kids sports and entertaining and cleaning and fitness and hobbies (have a service once a week for housecleaning but with three kids a dog and a large home it’s a lot). We vacation 6 weeks a year- no job is going to give me that off the bat. It’s also aftercare as my three are in ES and can’t be left alone like that yet. It’s also the 90+ days of travel my husband does per year.

I’m sure that many can understand that to rearrange an entire life that works well in order to earn money I don’t need while employing a housekeeper and nanny seems silly- I actually like caring for my own things and our families needs.

Okay, but we're not talking about YOUR life that is getting rearranged. We're talking about the OP, who is a SAHM in a marriage that she believes is in its death throes, which I agree with given that her husband's response to her asking him to drop off their one baby child at daycare was to tell her that he'd give her a divorce if she'd give him sole custody. She's not talking about making her husband responsible for "food shopping and kid sports and entertaining and cleaning and fitness and hobbies" (which are things that still happen in families where both parents are present and work out of the home to say nothing of single parent families). She's talking about asking that he take a baby to daycare, occasionally cover a day when the baby is sick and needs to stay home with a parent, and potentially spend time with his child nights and weekends.

It's like you didn't even read the OP.

I did read the post. If you believe that all that will change for the ops spouse is drop off, I disagree with you. And frankly I wouldn’t endanger my job by suddenly being less available if I thought my spouse was about to leave me.

Well, you've certainly been assimilated to the borg.

Believe it or not, there are many families where the mother works, and the father has a "big job" ... or even gasp, they both have big jobs! Or double gasp, the woman believe her labor (of all types) has equal inherent value to the family as the man's!

My labor is more important to my family than my husbands. I’m not quite sure what you are ranting about.