Unhealthy family members

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, put a sock in it. I have seen many of my friends wreak good years with their parents because the young people are critical. What a waste. It is more of a waste than the prospect of family living a shorter life.

OP here. I should also clarify that this more than prospective health I'm talking about. This is ACTUAL health. One grandparent is completely incapacitated and unable to work due to preventable illness. We are expected as a young family to always travel to families ur parents to visit because they are too sick to get on a plane. It's one thing if they are sick and can't help it. But they are wasting good years defying their doctors instructions and expect us to pick up the financial slack. While the financial piece is a strain and annoying, it's even worse to have to sit back silently watching them suffer over daily cake, soda, and fried chicken.

Man you sound awful. Perhaps your parents are trying to find solace in life since they have such a terrible child.

Oh please. Would you feel the same if they were drinking themselves to death rather than eating themselves to death? That OP should stop being critical and just suck it up and deal with their self-inflicted problems, to the detriment of her own family?

The drinking yourself to death analogy is a good one. There's a lot OP could learn from Al-Anon. The first principle of Al-Anon is that you cannot control the behavior of other people. You can't make someone stop drinking. You can't make someone eat right and exercise. OP's parents are adults. They get to make their own choices. OP cannot fix them, even if OP wants to fix them. Once you have accepted that, OP needs to accept that her family members are making choices that will kill them. (You don't have to agree with it, but you have to stop fighting with them about it.)

OP needs to state her opinion clearly and firmly and with compassion. Then she needs to set some boundaries around what she is willing to do to help her family members and what she is not willing to do. She needs to express those boundaries clearly. They will be pissed off. (Addicts are always pissed off when you set boundaries around their behaviors and the consequences of their behaviors.) OP needs to stick to her boundaries even if they are pissed off. OP needs to stick to her boundaries even shit goes downhill. (Shit always goes downhill with addicts.) OP needs to plan her life with the idea that her family members will not participate as active grandparents.

Let it go, OP.

OP here. Are you a therapist? This was the best talk anyone's ever given me. I feel like I owe you $200 for this. THANK YOU for being so direct and precise. This is exactly what I need to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister in law is a health nut. She has tried for years to get us to eat organic, to give up meat etc etc. I hate it. I live my life how I want, and make my own choices. I don't need her pointing out the benefits of healthy living. Be content with your health status and try not to worry about others choices.

OP here. It is not my intent to nag adults. The family members who in particular are problems are parents. Their poor health choices impact our life. They are not able to be productive grandparents, and are fast tracking their way to needing to be cared for. I have no problem caring for aging parents who cared for me as a child. However, I think it is selfish to dig your own grave, not give back as a grandparent, and expect caretaking for preventable illness in your 50s and 60s. Their poor choices impact us financially and emotionally. I would never treat my kid like that.

They may outlive you. You could walk outside tomorrow and get hit by a car. My grandparents ate fried eggs, bacon, and grits every morning. I’m not sure they ever met a food they couldn’t fry. All four lived to be over 90. No nursing homes. My grandfather was still mowing his lawn at 93. My best friend was a vegetarian. She practiced yoga every day and ate organic whenever possible. Almost no sugar, no soda, etc. She died at 52. We don’t have nearly the control we like to believe we do. You are not the diet police.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister in law is a health nut. She has tried for years to get us to eat organic, to give up meat etc etc. I hate it. I live my life how I want, and make my own choices. I don't need her pointing out the benefits of healthy living. Be content with your health status and try not to worry about others choices.

OP here. It is not my intent to nag adults. The family members who in particular are problems are parents. Their poor health choices impact our life. They are not able to be productive grandparents, and are fast tracking their way to needing to be cared for. I have no problem caring for aging parents who cared for me as a child. However, I think it is selfish to dig your own grave, not give back as a grandparent, and expect caretaking for preventable illness in your 50s and 60s. Their poor choices impact us financially and emotionally. I would never treat my kid like that.

They may outlive you. You could walk outside tomorrow and get hit by a car. My grandparents ate fried eggs, bacon, and grits every morning. I’m not sure they ever met a food they couldn’t fry. All four lived to be over 90. No nursing homes. My grandfather was still mowing his lawn at 93. My best friend was a vegetarian. She practiced yoga every day and ate organic whenever possible. Almost no sugar, no soda, etc. She died at 52. We don’t have nearly the control we like to believe we do. You are not the diet police.

I think you are not understanding the point that my parents are currently sick with preventable disease. Their doctors have identified their lifestyles as the primary issue. I'm not looking into my crystal ball. I'm talking about their current poor quality if life, due to bad choices.

[Anonymous]

Our grandparents were far less sedentary than we are.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get what you are saying completely. I have similar concerns about my inlaws. MIL has type 2 diabetes and completely ignores all advice from her doctors. Takes her medication sometimes, claims she is eating salads for every meal but we see her eat cake, bread, fried foods and all other kinds of terrible things constantly. We live close to her (less than 30 miles) and see her weekly.

She is sedentary at home, cannot make time for her health but is capable of making time for weekly manicure appointments, weekly hair appointments (she is AA, as are we, and gets a weekly shampoo and set), she shops at JC Penny and Target daily for crap nobody needs or wants but she doesn't have time to exercise.

She and FIL are also awful with their money and expect that DH and I will take care of them one day. I have made it clear in no uncertain terms that we are not their gravy train.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a horrible person. My dad is 72, works full time at a tech company and sits all day at work and then for his hour commute each way. Doesn't work out. Drives everywhere. Healthy as a horse.

You only care about their health in relation to what kind of grandparents they can be to YOUR children.

I'm 5'4", 245lbs, walk to and from work, use a standing desk, and walk to almost all my errands. Today I walked 8,667 steps (I am not carrying my phone while at work, so probably more). Despite being obese, I have no diabetes, cholesterol is healthy, blood pressure is normal, hips and knees are fine. And I can run after a kid faster than you. But more importantly, I wear sunscreen, I vote, I'm kind, I volunteer and donate, I help friends move, and I hold doors for people.

NP. You sound like a lovely person and I am glad you are healthy right now. It won't last, though. You are carrying too much weight. Your heart is a pump that is not built for that much weight on your frame. Your knees, hips, and ankles are structural supports that are not built to carry that much weight on your frame. Your other organs are not built to take care of that much weight.

And, yet, there are plenty of fat senior citizens walking around unassisted while frail elderly people use walkers and canes. Age happens to ALL of us. Athletes can damage their bodies while participating in sports. Accidents happen. Osteoporosis happens.

It sucks. It truly does. But that's life for you.

Think about it - when was the last time you saw a truly obese senior citizen? My hometown is small with plenty of obesity. Anytime I go home (again - this is small town America where obesity is a problem) - I see plenty of obese, middle aged people but I don't see many obese senior citizens. Maybe the oldest I see appear to be late 50's/early 60's but it's hard to tell because they look much older than they really are. And they are riding the scooters to get around Walmart.

The oldest obese people I know down here - maybe late 50s? They do not walk like a normal weight late 50 something would walk. They have issues with their legs.

And all the frail, elderly people I see walking with walkers and canes are on the old side of being a senior citizen (80s+). I'll give them a break for using a walker/cane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a horrible person. My dad is 72, works full time at a tech company and sits all day at work and then for his hour commute each way. Doesn't work out. Drives everywhere. Healthy as a horse.

You only care about their health in relation to what kind of grandparents they can be to YOUR children.

I'm 5'4", 245lbs, walk to and from work, use a standing desk, and walk to almost all my errands. Today I walked 8,667 steps (I am not carrying my phone while at work, so probably more). Despite being obese, I have no diabetes, cholesterol is healthy, blood pressure is normal, hips and knees are fine. And I can run after a kid faster than you. But more importantly, I wear sunscreen, I vote, I'm kind, I volunteer and donate, I help friends move, and I hold doors for people.

NP. You sound like a lovely person and I am glad you are healthy right now. It won't last, though. You are carrying too much weight. Your heart is a pump that is not built for that much weight on your frame. Your knees, hips, and ankles are structural supports that are not built to carry that much weight on your frame. Your other organs are not built to take care of that much weight.

And, yet, there are plenty of fat senior citizens walking around unassisted while frail elderly people use walkers and canes. Age happens to ALL of us. Athletes can damage their bodies while participating in sports. Accidents happen. Osteoporosis happens.

It sucks. It truly does. But that's life for you.

Think about it - when was the last time you saw a truly obese senior citizen? My hometown is small with plenty of obesity. Anytime I go home (again - this is small town America where obesity is a problem) - I see plenty of obese, middle aged people but I don't see many obese senior citizens. Maybe the oldest I see appear to be late 50's/early 60's but it's hard to tell because they look much older than they really are. And they are riding the scooters to get around Walmart.

The oldest obese people I know down here - maybe late 50s? They do not walk like a normal weight late 50 something would walk. They have issues with their legs.

And all the frail, elderly people I see walking with walkers and canes are on the old side of being a senior citizen (80s+). I'll give them a break for using a walker/cane.

I think maybe you are misjudging ages or maybe you see an older person in a wheelchair and assume that something must have happened to them - they have must have Parkinsons or something - which isn't really attributable to diet, but if you see a heavier person in a wheelchair who may have MS or whatever you automatically assume that their diet has made them sick (orthopedic issues, bad heart).

Seriously, read the obituaries. People of all shapes and sizes get sick and die earlier than life expectancy every day. That isn't to say that diet isn't important - it absolutely is important. Absolutely watch what you eat and get exercise. Just don't spend your energy thinking negative thoughts about people who do things differently. They have their own stories and their own reasons for what they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister in law is a health nut. She has tried for years to get us to eat organic, to give up meat etc etc. I hate it. I live my life how I want, and make my own choices. I don't need her pointing out the benefits of healthy living. Be content with your health status and try not to worry about others choices.

OP here. It is not my intent to nag adults. The family members who in particular are problems are parents. Their poor health choices impact our life. They are not able to be productive grandparents, and are fast tracking their way to needing to be cared for. I have no problem caring for aging parents who cared for me as a child. However, I think it is selfish to dig your own grave, not give back as a grandparent, and expect caretaking for preventable illness in your 50s and 60s. Their poor choices impact us financially and emotionally. I would never treat my kid like that.

Those who are unhealthy will come here to scold you OP, depend on that. I agree with completely. But there's really no way to nag adults into good health. All you can do is lead your life, and don't let them make you feel guilty for caring about your family's health. Hopefully it will wear off on them before it's too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds like a Crossfit evangelist.

[Anonymous]

I'm team OP. The folks calling you rude are ignorant as fuck. My MIL is the same way, retired at 60 and sits around and does nothing. She will be the main one expecting us to wait on her hand and foot when she can't get around. She is diabetic and overweight. She does nothing all day. She won't go to the senior center or anything. I wouldn't keep nagging them but I also wouldn't stress my finances trying to take care of them

[Anonymous]

My mom has a knee injury that she refuses to do physical therapy for. It's very sad. She's in her early 60s and can't walk more than 50 ft at a time. I get you OP. She was the consummate grandmother until this happened and now she's fairly uninvolved. Even sadder is I'm the only of her kids to have children yet, so none of my potential nieces and nephews will get the grandma that she wants to be for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I don't disagree with you at all, I think you are going to drive yourself crazy if you can't find a way to come to peace with this being the reality and forgiving them for making those choices and forgiving them for how those choices affect you and your children.
You are responsible for yourself, including your actions, reactions, emotions and feelings. They are responsible for theirs. Neither of you have a right or ability to change the other.
Also, you should create your boundaries. You don't have to pick up all of their pieces just because they keep dropping them. It doesn't make you a bad daughter to decide what will and won't work for you.

Best advice so far in this thread. OP, I suggest using the serenity prayer that we say in 12-step programs. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. You cannot change your family. I'm sure you've already talked to them about their lifestyle and they're not going to change. You're just going to drive yourself crazy trying to figure out a way to convince them. This is out of your control. But you can decide how much you will take care of them. This may involve making decisions that are uncomfortable but it will help to work on it in advance.

I had an alcoholic relative become disabled and I helped out financially and otherwise but I did set some limits. I was never sure whether I did the right thing by him or not but he drank himself to death within a year or two so it was all moot. And I started going to Al-Anon again once I realized that he was drinking (had thought he was in recovery for 10 years) and that helped me. At any rate -- all this is to say that I feel your pain and this is probably not going to get better but you can manage it in a way that makes you less crazed. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister in law is a health nut. She has tried for years to get us to eat organic, to give up meat etc etc. I hate it. I live my life how I want, and make my own choices. I don't need her pointing out the benefits of healthy living. Be content with your health status and try not to worry about others choices.

OP here. It is not my intent to nag adults. The family members who in particular are problems are parents. Their poor health choices impact our life. They are not able to be productive grandparents, and are fast tracking their way to needing to be cared for. I have no problem caring for aging parents who cared for me as a child. However, I think it is selfish to dig your own grave, not give back as a grandparent, and expect caretaking for preventable illness in your 50s and 60s. Their poor choices impact us financially and emotionally. I would never treat my kid like that.

LOL sounds like you're more pissed of your parents are too busy being sick to be your free babysitters.

[Anonymous]

OP I don't have an answer for you but what works for me is working out doubly hard and instilling the same values in my family because I can only control me. What helps is my inlaws eat and stay active so I'm the fatty in the group. My parents/siblings- they are on their own with their choices.