Unhealthy family members

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you are still pretty young if your parents are in their 50's and 60's.

Good for you for wanting to be healthy. Eat right, exercise, get enough sleep. Stay away from drugs, alcohol and tobacco.

But realize...no matter how perfectly (or imperfectly) you do things, there are never any guarantees in life.

OP here. I know that what you have written is true. There are no guarantees, and I can't control others. I'm just venting because it's sad and upsetting to see loved ones in this condition. I thought these would be the "good times" with overnights and bouncing on knees like I had as a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you are still pretty young if your parents are in their 50's and 60's.

Good for you for wanting to be healthy. Eat right, exercise, get enough sleep. Stay away from drugs, alcohol and tobacco.

But realize...no matter how perfectly (or imperfectly) you do things, there are never any guarantees in life.

OP here. I know that what you have written is true. There are no guarantees, and I can't control others. I'm just venting because it's sad and upsetting to see loved ones in this condition. I thought these would be the "good times" with overnights and bouncing on knees like I had as a child.

Were your grandparents live long, healthy lives? Were their diets really good? Were they fit an athletic in their middle and later years?

How often did they visit you as a child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you are still pretty young if your parents are in their 50's and 60's.

Good for you for wanting to be healthy. Eat right, exercise, get enough sleep. Stay away from drugs, alcohol and tobacco.

But realize...no matter how perfectly (or imperfectly) you do things, there are never any guarantees in life.

OP here. I know that what you have written is true. There are no guarantees, and I can't control others. I'm just venting because it's sad and upsetting to see loved ones in this condition. I thought these would be the "good times" with overnights and bouncing on knees like I had as a child.

So is it sad and upsetting because they are not healthy and you feel bad seeing them that way, or is it sad and upsetting because they can't help you out like you expected?

My mother has lupus and my father eats horribly, like you describe. Neither is the help-out type of grandparent and that would be true even if they were healthy. I love them and my children love them and we spend what time with them we can. Yes, I wish my children could have the type of relationship with them that I had with my grandparents, in which we spent weeks at their house in the summers and went camping. But that wouldn't happen even if my parents were healthy. For one thing they had kids in their mid-30s, instead of at 20 like my grandparents did, so they are much older in relation to their grandchildren. For another, they have their own lives. My 72-year-old father still works. It is what it is. It's not my place to tell them how to live their lives and I am not going to resent them for living the way they want to. In fact, my main worry with them is that we can't do more to help out. My mom especially will need it as her disease advances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you are still pretty young if your parents are in their 50's and 60's.

Good for you for wanting to be healthy. Eat right, exercise, get enough sleep. Stay away from drugs, alcohol and tobacco.

But realize...no matter how perfectly (or imperfectly) you do things, there are never any guarantees in life.

OP here. I know that what you have written is true. There are no guarantees, and I can't control others. I'm just venting because it's sad and upsetting to see loved ones in this condition. I thought these would be the "good times" with overnights and bouncing on knees like I had as a child.

Were your grandparents live long, healthy lives? Were their diets really good? Were they fit an athletic in their middle and later years?

How often did they visit you as a child?

DH and I have two living grandparents still. Sad to say but they both are in better shape than our parents. They eat better (not super duper healthy but reasonable) and both are/were very physically active. Even in their 80s we are amazed at how much they still do (heavy yard work, etc). Both DH and I saw our grandparents weekly growing up, including regular overnights. These times provided great memories for us and needed breaks for our parents.

In response to the last poster I am upset about both. I hate that they are suffering and that they can't help out and put a strain on my nuclear family. No one wants to see their parents in bad health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you are still pretty young if your parents are in their 50's and 60's.

Good for you for wanting to be healthy. Eat right, exercise, get enough sleep. Stay away from drugs, alcohol and tobacco.

But realize...no matter how perfectly (or imperfectly) you do things, there are never any guarantees in life.

+1000

It's easy to judge others and worry about them being a burden. But you never know what life can bring and there are frankly a lot of things that can impact someone's health and cause them to be a burden that you can't predict. would you want someone to feel this way about you?

[Anonymous]

PPs, Stop slamming OP. The only thing she has done wrong is not nag her parents enough. I would call and berate them daily. They are selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PPs, Stop slamming OP. The only thing she has done wrong is not nag her parents enough. I would call and berate them daily. They are selfish.

That sounds like a great idea. Just make your “loved ones” wish they were dead.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely. They drain you of time, energy, money. Make them feel the burn.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like a Crossfit evangelist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a horrible person. My dad is 72, works full time at a tech company and sits all day at work and then for his hour commute each way. Doesn't work out. Drives everywhere. Healthy as a horse.

You only care about their health in relation to what kind of grandparents they can be to YOUR children.

I'm 5'4", 245lbs, walk to and from work, use a standing desk, and walk to almost all my errands. Today I walked 8,667 steps (I am not carrying my phone while at work, so probably more). Despite being obese, I have no diabetes, cholesterol is healthy, blood pressure is normal, hips and knees are fine. And I can run after a kid faster than you. But more importantly, I wear sunscreen, I vote, I'm kind, I volunteer and donate, I help friends move, and I hold doors for people.

NP. You sound like a lovely person and I am glad you are healthy right now. It won't last, though. You are carrying too much weight. Your heart is a pump that is not built for that much weight on your frame. Your knees, hips, and ankles are structural supports that are not built to carry that much weight on your frame. Your other organs are not built to take care of that much weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you are still pretty young if your parents are in their 50's and 60's.

Good for you for wanting to be healthy. Eat right, exercise, get enough sleep. Stay away from drugs, alcohol and tobacco.

But realize...no matter how perfectly (or imperfectly) you do things, there are never any guarantees in life.

+1000

It's easy to judge others and worry about them being a burden. But you never know what life can bring and there are frankly a lot of things that can impact someone's health and cause them to be a burden that you can't predict. would you want someone to feel this way about you?

Exactly. Life has a way of throwing some mighty big curve balls at people. Focus on doing the best that you can and let the judgment go.

[Anonymous]

OP - I understand. It is hard to see what parents do to their bodies. Unfortunately, that is who they are and you can't change them. Your kids will just have a different experience with their grandparents than you did yours.

Put your family first and then your parents. If you can't afford to support them financially, then don't feel guilty for not doing so. You need to provide for your family first.

And kudos for not picking up their bad habits. Remember - your parents are role models. Role Models on what not to do, but Role Models nonetheless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, put a sock in it. I have seen many of my friends wreak good years with their parents because the young people are critical. What a waste. It is more of a waste than the prospect of family living a shorter life.

OP here. I should also clarify that this more than prospective health I'm talking about. This is ACTUAL health. One grandparent is completely incapacitated and unable to work due to preventable illness. We are expected as a young family to always travel to families ur parents to visit because they are too sick to get on a plane. It's one thing if they are sick and can't help it. But they are wasting good years defying their doctors instructions and expect us to pick up the financial slack. While the financial piece is a strain and annoying, it's even worse to have to sit back silently watching them suffer over daily cake, soda, and fried chicken.

Man you sound awful. Perhaps your parents are trying to find solace in life since they have such a terrible child.

Oh please. Would you feel the same if they were drinking themselves to death rather than eating themselves to death? That OP should stop being critical and just suck it up and deal with their self-inflicted problems, to the detriment of her own family?

The drinking yourself to death analogy is a good one. There's a lot OP could learn from Al-Anon. The first principle of Al-Anon is that you cannot control the behavior of other people. You can't make someone stop drinking. You can't make someone eat right and exercise. OP's parents are adults. They get to make their own choices. OP cannot fix them, even if OP wants to fix them. Once you have accepted that, OP needs to accept that her family members are making choices that will kill them. (You don't have to agree with it, but you have to stop fighting with them about it.)

OP needs to state her opinion clearly and firmly and with compassion. Then she needs to set some boundaries around what she is willing to do to help her family members and what she is not willing to do. She needs to express those boundaries clearly. They will be pissed off. (Addicts are always pissed off when you set boundaries around their behaviors and the consequences of their behaviors.) OP needs to stick to her boundaries even if they are pissed off. OP needs to stick to her boundaries even shit goes downhill. (Shit always goes downhill with addicts.) OP needs to plan her life with the idea that her family members will not participate as active grandparents.

Let it go, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a horrible person. My dad is 72, works full time at a tech company and sits all day at work and then for his hour commute each way. Doesn't work out. Drives everywhere. Healthy as a horse.

You only care about their health in relation to what kind of grandparents they can be to YOUR children.

I'm 5'4", 245lbs, walk to and from work, use a standing desk, and walk to almost all my errands. Today I walked 8,667 steps (I am not carrying my phone while at work, so probably more). Despite being obese, I have no diabetes, cholesterol is healthy, blood pressure is normal, hips and knees are fine. And I can run after a kid faster than you. But more importantly, I wear sunscreen, I vote, I'm kind, I volunteer and donate, I help friends move, and I hold doors for people.

NP. You sound like a lovely person and I am glad you are healthy right now. It won't last, though. You are carrying too much weight. Your heart is a pump that is not built for that much weight on your frame. Your knees, hips, and ankles are structural supports that are not built to carry that much weight on your frame. Your other organs are not built to take care of that much weight.

And, yet, there are plenty of fat senior citizens walking around unassisted while frail elderly people use walkers and canes. Age happens to ALL of us. Athletes can damage their bodies while participating in sports. Accidents happen. Osteoporosis happens.

It sucks. It truly does. But that's life for you.

[Anonymous]

You never know what is going to happen in life. I have relatives who are hale and hearty in their 90s despite a life time of poor eating and in one case of smoking as well. Other relatives do everything right and die in their mid seventies. I definitely eat right and exercise, but there are no guarantees in life. We all do some stuff right and some stuff wrong. Love and forgiveness are essential!