Disappointed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has given details in a million previous threads. This was not a marriage she could stay in; she stayed many years longer than she should have.

However, I'm really starting to wonder if she's for real. All of these threads suggest such a passive, do-nothing kind of person, and yet she managed to leave and get herself and her kids back to VA.

It took a lot of threads to get her to finally leave.

OP here. Very true. I was two months pregnant when I found out my STBX cheated on me - this was last June. He was financially controlling and I had/have limited means to leave, and felt trapped.

However, I finally reached my limit. I took out a credit card and flew back to the states with my kids three months ago. I've gotten a place, a car, and a job, enrolled my daughter in preschool, found a good caretaker for my son, and been able to manage these many moving parts on my own. I have so much more energy and joy now that I am out of that horrible marriage.


So proud of you OP
It's been encouraging to learn that I have strength and fortitude I didn't know I had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has given details in a million previous threads. This was not a marriage she could stay in; she stayed many years longer than she should have.

However, I'm really starting to wonder if she's for real. All of these threads suggest such a passive, do-nothing kind of person, and yet she managed to leave and get herself and her kids back to VA.

It took a lot of threads to get her to finally leave.

OP here. Very true. I was two months pregnant when I found out my STBX cheated on me - this was last June. He was financially controlling and I had/have limited means to leave, and felt trapped.

However, I finally reached my limit. I took out a credit card and flew back to the states with my kids three months ago. I've gotten a place, a car, and a job, enrolled my daughter in preschool, found a good caretaker for my son, and been able to manage these many moving parts on my own. I have so much more energy and joy now that I am out of that horrible marriage.



It's been encouraging to learn that I have strength and fortitude I didn't know I had.

So proud of you OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has given details in a million previous threads. This was not a marriage she could stay in; she stayed many years longer than she should have.

However, I'm really starting to wonder if she's for real. All of these threads suggest such a passive, do-nothing kind of person, and yet she managed to leave and get herself and her kids back to VA.

It took a lot of threads to get her to finally leave.

OP here. Very true. I was two months pregnant when I found out my STBX cheated on me - this was last June. He was financially controlling and I had/have limited means to leave, and felt trapped.

However, I finally reached my limit. I took out a credit card and flew back to the states with my kids three months ago. I've gotten a place, a car, and a job, enrolled my daughter in preschool, found a good caretaker for my son, and been able to manage these many moving parts on my own. I have so much more energy and joy now that I am out of that horrible marriage.

It's been encouraging to learn that I have strength and fortitude I didn't know I had.

Happy for you, OP. Now get that child support!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you were living in Europe, with your spouse as the breadwinner and you decided to leave for the US with your kids upon divorcing? If it was important to you that your kids maintain a relationship with their father maybe you shouldnt have moved to a different continent.

+1000. Such skewed views here. You're the one that moved, not him.

PPs do not understand overseas living at all. She has no work permit overseas. Depending on the country, if she divorces him overseas, she may not even have a legal status that permits her to continue to reside in the country. That means she had no way to divorce him and stay in country. She also couldn't have filed for divorce and child custody in Europe as they are likely not subject to jurisdiction in European courts due to his status as a Fed.

Also, as a Fed, there is probably some kind of federal leave or transfer he could have requested while dealing with this. Agree that long term its probably not likely he would give up career in foreign or defense service and that overseas spouse is part of that life.

But it wasn't an option for her to stay in Europe unless she continued to stay married and exposed to abuse, which is an unreasonable expectation.

Sorry, OP, you are right that it sucks that he didn't care enough to come back to the US, but this can't be a surprise because he didn't care enough about any of you to not cheat in the first place. Stop ascribing rationality to him or hoping that he will do the right thing. His history shows that he won't and that he is not to be trusted or counted on. Move forward accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you were living in Europe, with your spouse as the breadwinner and you decided to leave for the US with your kids upon divorcing? If it was important to you that your kids maintain a relationship with their father maybe you shouldnt have moved to a different continent.

+1000. Such skewed views here. You're the one that moved, not him.

PPs do not understand overseas living at all. She has no work permit overseas. Depending on the country, if she divorces him overseas, she may not even have a legal status that permits her to continue to reside in the country. That means she had no way to divorce him and stay in country. She also couldn't have filed for divorce and child custody in Europe as they are likely not subject to jurisdiction in European courts due to his status as a Fed.

Also, as a Fed, there is probably some kind of federal leave or transfer he could have requested while dealing with this. Agree that long term its probably not likely he would give up career in foreign or defense service and that overseas spouse is part of that life.

But it wasn't an option for her to stay in Europe unless she continued to stay married and exposed to abuse, which is an unreasonable expectation.

Sorry, OP, you are right that it sucks that he didn't care enough to come back to the US, but this can't be a surprise because he didn't care enough about any of you to not cheat in the first place. Stop ascribing rationality to him or hoping that he will do the right thing. His history shows that he won't and that he is not to be trusted or counted on. Move forward accordingly.

This means that if you are not pursuing a court order to garnish his wages because you don't want to poison his relationship with the children -- you have to give up that fantasy. Pursue your legal rights vigorously so that five years from now, when he's remarried with another couple of kids whose mother is about to leave him, too, you aren't left completely without child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you were living in Europe, with your spouse as the breadwinner and you decided to leave for the US with your kids upon divorcing? If it was important to you that your kids maintain a relationship with their father maybe you shouldnt have moved to a different continent.

+1000. Such skewed views here. You're the one that moved, not him.

PPs do not understand overseas living at all. She has no work permit overseas. Depending on the country, if she divorces him overseas, she may not even have a legal status that permits her to continue to reside in the country. That means she had no way to divorce him and stay in country. She also couldn't have filed for divorce and child custody in Europe as they are likely not subject to jurisdiction in European courts due to his status as a Fed.

Also, as a Fed, there is probably some kind of federal leave or transfer he could have requested while dealing with this. Agree that long term its probably not likely he would give up career in foreign or defense service and that overseas spouse is part of that life.

But it wasn't an option for her to stay in Europe unless she continued to stay married and exposed to abuse, which is an unreasonable expectation.

Sorry, OP, you are right that it sucks that he didn't care enough to come back to the US, but this can't be a surprise because he didn't care enough about any of you to not cheat in the first place. Stop ascribing rationality to him or hoping that he will do the right thing. His history shows that he won't and that he is not to be trusted or counted on. Move forward accordingly.

This means that if you are not pursuing a court order to garnish his wages because you don't want to poison his relationship with the children -- you have to give up that fantasy. Pursue your legal rights vigorously so that five years from now, when he's remarried with another couple of kids whose mother is about to leave him, too, you aren't left completely without child support.

+100. He and only he is responsible for his relationship with his children. If you file for child support and that makes him resentful of the kids to the point that he doesn't want to see them, or that makes him not want to return to the US for fear of garnishment, that is on him, not on you.