Disappointed

[Anonymous]

Just found out my STBXH isn't making an effort to relocate to the US. We were living as a family in Europe and I came back stateside with our two young children. He just got a promotion and plans to stay put for a while. Just wanted to vent.

[Anonymous]

You are divorcing. Why would he come back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are divorcing. Why would he come back?

Ummm. Probably for the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are divorcing. Why would he come back?

Ummm. Probably for the kids?

OP here. This. I'm sad that he's choosing his career over being a drive away from his children's birthdays, Halloween, school events etc.

[Anonymous]

So sorry, OP. Does he have US based employer? If not, I would be worried that he is staying in Europe to escape your being able to collect child support. US judgments can be time consuming and expensive to execute overseas.

It's sad when a parent doesn't choose to spend time with kids. I teach my kids that we all have at least two families - families by birth and families by choice. When a parent chooses not to be present, it can be helpful to expand the "family by birth" to include a wider variety of aunties, uncles, cousins, etc. whom you see more often and do a wider variety of activities. Build a broader "family of choice" by deepening your ties with friends, church, activity-mates, etc.

It's heart-rending for kids when a parent is absent by choice, but they can still grow up happy and healthy with one stable, present, loving adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sorry, OP. Does he have US based employer? If not, I would be worried that he is staying in Europe to escape your being able to collect child support. US judgments can be time consuming and expensive to execute overseas.

It's sad when a parent doesn't choose to spend time with kids. I teach my kids that we all have at least two families - families by birth and families by choice. When a parent chooses not to be present, it can be helpful to expand the "family by birth" to include a wider variety of aunties, uncles, cousins, etc. whom you see more often and do a wider variety of activities. Build a broader "family of choice" by deepening your ties with friends, church, activity-mates, etc.

It's heart-rending for kids when a parent is absent by choice, but they can still grow up happy and healthy with one stable, present, loving adult.

Thanks for this response. He does have a US based employer but could ostensibly spend the next four years in Europe based on precedent/policy for Feds (he's a fed). Part of my frustration is that I am afraid he is avoiding paying child support - social services informed me of such. I'm pissed that I spent years supporting us career, moving overseas for him, staying home with his kids, he cheats and I have to start over.

[Anonymous]

So you were living in Europe, with your spouse as the breadwinner and you decided to leave for the US with your kids upon divorcing? If it was important to you that your kids maintain a relationship with their father maybe you shouldnt have moved to a different continent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you were living in Europe, with your spouse as the breadwinner and you decided to leave for the US with your kids upon divorcing? If it was important to you that your kids maintain a relationship with their father maybe you shouldnt have moved to a different continent.

I was there as a condition of his employment. I didn't have a work visa. He was abusive and cheated and I wanted to be able to work and have access to my support system

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you were living in Europe, with your spouse as the breadwinner and you decided to leave for the US with your kids upon divorcing? If it was important to you that your kids maintain a relationship with their father maybe you shouldnt have moved to a different continent.

I was there as a condition of his employment. I didn't have a work visa. He was abusive and cheated and I wanted to be able to work and have access to my support system

Ok, I'm sorry you're in this position, but it's still not reasonable to expect him to immediately relocate back to the US if his current job is based in Europe and he's been supporting the family. Also, keep in mind that with most fed positions he'll be making approximately half his salary if he relocates stateside (no housing payment/cola/post differential) so your child support payments will significantly decline. Also if he's a fed there are plenty of mechanisms in place to ensure that he pays legally mandated child support even while overseas, so no worries there.

[Anonymous]

OP, you've posted about your XDH a lot on these boards.

First, I'm so glad you left him. Even if you never see a dime, you are better off.

Second, it was clear from the posts you made in the Relationships forum that he didn't care much about you or your kids, especially if it required any effort or change on his part. You were an easy spouse, so he stayed married; now you're not, and he is done.

Third, I still don't understand how a federal employee can get away with not responding and not paying child support. It's not like they can't track his wages. Did you ever get a lawyer who specializes in divorces from federal employees?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you've posted about your XDH a lot on these boards.

First, I'm so glad you left him. Even if you never see a dime, you are better off.

Second, it was clear from the posts you made in the Relationships forum that he didn't care much about you or your kids, especially if it required any effort or change on his part. You were an easy spouse, so he stayed married; now you're not, and he is done.

Third, I still don't understand how a federal employee can get away with not responding and not paying child support. It's not like they can't track his wages. Did you ever get a lawyer who specializes in divorces from federal employees?

One earlier thread:

Before a child support order is established, what can I do (if anything)?
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/653656.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you've posted about your XDH a lot on these boards.

First, I'm so glad you left him. Even if you never see a dime, you are better off.

Second, it was clear from the posts you made in the Relationships forum that he didn't care much about you or your kids, especially if it required any effort or change on his part. You were an easy spouse, so he stayed married; now you're not, and he is done.

Third, I still don't understand how a federal employee can get away with not responding and not paying child support. It's not like they can't track his wages. Did you ever get a lawyer who specializes in divorces from federal employees?

One earlier thread:

Before a child support order is established, what can I do (if anything)?
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/653656.page

And another:

Child support that can't be collected???
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/656590.page

[Anonymous]

I will also say this:

OP, you are likely overwhelmed and exhausted. It took you a long time to get together the will to leave in the first place, and now the separation/divorce is looking like an endless fight as well.

You're also trying to get on your financial feet, taking care of two children on your own, and struggling for money.

I can totally understand why the last thing you want is another to-do list full of expensive tasks (like hiring a top lawyer). But you have got to dig deep, assume every step of this divorce is going to be hard and exhausting, and get it done for your kids.

He is never going to step up or be helpful, or even reasonable. He is looking out for himself. You need to be the hero those kids need to have a great life.

I promise that this will not go on forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you were living in Europe, with your spouse as the breadwinner and you decided to leave for the US with your kids upon divorcing? If it was important to you that your kids maintain a relationship with their father maybe you shouldnt have moved to a different continent.

+1000. Such skewed views here. You're the one that moved, not him.

[Anonymous]

You keep posting and one has to think this is fake. You really don't want him but want him in the US for child support. He has a US employer so they can easily do a garnishment. You moved away. You knew his job before you married him and had kids. If he quits his job and hasn't no job then you will get no child support. Your logic is flawed. The higher income he has, the more you get in child support.