Reply to Feedback on letter to my siblings re helping out with elderly mom

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[quote=Anonymous]My thoughts:

1. It's fine to say this in a letter, but prepared for a follow-up phone call, Skype, or in-person discussion to hash out the details.

2. Your 2nd sentence sounds awfully lecture-y right off the bat.  I'd rephrase from "I think you need to be more involved with Mom" to "I'm getting overwhelmed with the support Mom needs, and could really use more help and involvement from you two."

3. Scratch this sentence: "While we can afford to do that, it does seem like her other two children could help some too, even if not to a proportionate extent".  Instead: "If there is any way you can contribute some portion of the monthly expenses, I would greatly appreciate the assistance, no matter how much it is".

4.  "I don’t mind this, she is my mom and I love her, but I think you both need to step up a bit on this front": Again, lecture-y and unlikely to be met with acceptance from your brothers.  Instead, state specifically what you want them to do.  Do you want someone to take over the scheduling of doctor's appointments?  Or management of medicine?  Or management of food/meals?  Think about what things would make sense for a division of labor - if you have three people all trying to coordinate medical appointments, it'll be a mess, so find those things that can be carved off and handed over 100%.  Ask your brothers to take over those specific things.

5: "I know you would want to spend time with her before it’s too late" Scratch this.  It serves no purpose other than to make them feel guilty.  Not helpful or productive.

In short: don't focus on lecturing them on their relationship with their mother, or on your resentment that they are "not contributing".  Focus instead on what specifically you want them to do.  You want them to read the letter and think "yeah, I can do that", not "what a b ... where does she get off telling me that I'm not being a good son, doesn't she know that I have x y and z to deal with myself".[/quote]

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