Question for stepparents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No and have no interest in them. They treated their Dad horribly as teens per their mom's wishes. When they were young, we tried hard. But, after years of doing things, like sending clothing (brands, styles, colors they wanted) and other stuff and never once getting it acknowledged (just it arrived, didn't even have to be a thank you), I gave up and stopped trying. They only call if they want something, usually money which Dad will no longer give. If the situation were different, I'd love them and would do a lot for the one who has a child. We have a child and I cannot imagine raising them to hate the other parent and discouraging a relationship.

Why wasn't their father more involved beyond sending clothes and material things? Did he spend time with them? Show up at all their functions? Drive them to school? Participate in their daily and care and life?

If not, it's easy to understand their resentment.

Mom moved them cross country and Dad could not follow. Dad at one point tried to move there and daughter pitched a fit saying mom would be upset. He would buy plane tickets and she would refuse to put them on the plane. The courts would just say send the kids and give dad more visitation and make her pay more costs but she refused. Courts would not do anything. Dad did as much as he could. Mom cheated, left, took the kids and blamed Dad saying he cheated and was a deadbeat (he never was) and was horrible to him. Kids copied behavior to get mom's approval. Its weird as she's very nice to us now and frequently texts to see how he, we, our child or his mom is (whom she treated horribly). His daughter sends random emails too. He wishes they would stop.

She moved without permission? He was fully involved in the kids' lives and she just up and left?

Or was he not that involved and then OK'd the move, expecting somehow that he could be a Disneyland parent here and there and is now upset he doesn't get full respect even though he wasn't a full parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No and have no interest in them. They treated their Dad horribly as teens per their mom's wishes. When they were young, we tried hard. But, after years of doing things, like sending clothing (brands, styles, colors they wanted) and other stuff and never once getting it acknowledged (just it arrived, didn't even have to be a thank you), I gave up and stopped trying. They only call if they want something, usually money which Dad will no longer give. If the situation were different, I'd love them and would do a lot for the one who has a child. We have a child and I cannot imagine raising them to hate the other parent and discouraging a relationship.

Why wasn't their father more involved beyond sending clothes and material things? Did he spend time with them? Show up at all their functions? Drive them to school? Participate in their daily and care and life?

If not, it's easy to understand their resentment.

Mom moved them cross country and Dad could not follow. Dad at one point tried to move there and daughter pitched a fit saying mom would be upset. He would buy plane tickets and she would refuse to put them on the plane. The courts would just say send the kids and give dad more visitation and make her pay more costs but she refused. Courts would not do anything. Dad did as much as he could. Mom cheated, left, took the kids and blamed Dad saying he cheated and was a deadbeat (he never was) and was horrible to him. Kids copied behavior to get mom's approval. Its weird as she's very nice to us now and frequently texts to see how he, we, our child or his mom is (whom she treated horribly). His daughter sends random emails too. He wishes they would stop.

She moved without permission? He was fully involved in the kids' lives and she just up and left?

Or was he not that involved and then OK'd the move, expecting somehow that he could be a Disneyland parent here and there and is now upset he doesn't get full respect even though he wasn't a full parent?

Yes to this. Nobody would ever "move" my children across the country without a nuclear war coming out of my end. Sounds like dear old dad wasn't interested. Honestly, the ex doesn't even need to spread any lies about him to his kids to get them to hate him, he did a fine job all on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 4 children. 2 I carried and 2 I did not. I came into their lives when they were 2 and 5.

DH and I have 4 children. We love them all. Each one has different needs and we try very hard to meet those needs.

We are financially responsible for all 4 kids. When we sit down to do the budgets for school, activities, clothes, trips, it's a lot of give and take. The pie is only so big and has to be split 4 ways. Both DH and I work to make the household run and give the kids what the need/want.

The 2 children that I did not carry talk with me daily about whats going on in their lives, are amazing siblings to the other 3 kids, and contribute to the household. Either parent can discipline any of the 4 children. All kids know that what one parent says goes for the other parent. I suspect it helps a lot that DH and I have very similar parenting/discipline philosophies.

I think this is important and has been echoed in a few other posts.

I love my skids in the sense that I want what's best for them and will support them in all they do. I like everything about them...they're wonderful kids. However, we only live five minutes from their mother and both BM and DH are fully available to the kids at all times so I had no "need" to fill in that respect. As someone else suggested, I am more like an "aunt" to them. It didn't help that DH never supported me in a parenting role in our household. When I tried to do things like ask them to clean up after themselves from lunch or pick up their towels off the bathroom floor, DH would get mad at me. He felt they were guests in our home and shouldn't have chores. When I asked him to keep them out of my room b/c I didn't want them digging through my drawers taking my stuff, he told me "it's what kids do" and I would have to deal with it. I'm given no thought on the holidays - no cards, no presents even though I bend over backwards to help DH shop for them every year. I don't harbor any ill will toward them or DH for any of this, I just adjusted my expectations, took on a stand offish role, and basically just became their friend and supporter in life. Looking back, I regret not trying to build my own relationship with them outside of DH. Because now I worry about what will happen when DH is gone and he's not there to facilitate their visits. Will they ever reach out ot me? Will they respond if I reach out to them? Will they maintain a relationship with their half siblings who absolutely adore them? We'll see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No and have no interest in them. They treated their Dad horribly as teens per their mom's wishes. When they were young, we tried hard. But, after years of doing things, like sending clothing (brands, styles, colors they wanted) and other stuff and never once getting it acknowledged (just it arrived, didn't even have to be a thank you), I gave up and stopped trying. They only call if they want something, usually money which Dad will no longer give. If the situation were different, I'd love them and would do a lot for the one who has a child. We have a child and I cannot imagine raising them to hate the other parent and discouraging a relationship.

Why wasn't their father more involved beyond sending clothes and material things? Did he spend time with them? Show up at all their functions? Drive them to school? Participate in their daily and care and life?

If not, it's easy to understand their resentment.

Mom moved them cross country and Dad could not follow. Dad at one point tried to move there and daughter pitched a fit saying mom would be upset. He would buy plane tickets and she would refuse to put them on the plane. The courts would just say send the kids and give dad more visitation and make her pay more costs but she refused. Courts would not do anything. Dad did as much as he could. Mom cheated, left, took the kids and blamed Dad saying he cheated and was a deadbeat (he never was) and was horrible to him. Kids copied behavior to get mom's approval. Its weird as she's very nice to us now and frequently texts to see how he, we, our child or his mom is (whom she treated horribly). His daughter sends random emails too. He wishes they would stop.

She moved without permission? He was fully involved in the kids' lives and she just up and left?

Or was he not that involved and then OK'd the move, expecting somehow that he could be a Disneyland parent here and there and is now upset he doesn't get full respect even though he wasn't a full parent?

Yes, he was fully involved except the last year as he was military. He only had one away assignment and came home very few months. He started hearing stuff about the affair after he returned home, wanted to work things out but after 6 months or so the affair continued and she ended up leaving to be with him. The situation sucked as she and the boyfriend lost his kids to child welfare as she was abusive to them but they would not remove my husband's kids. Not every dad is a disneyland dad. He's extremely involved with our kids. I cannot imagine he has changed that much, especially from what I heard before marriage from his friends and the ex-wife of the boyfriend (she happened to call when I was at his house one day so she confirmed everything). Its not always the Dad who cheats. Its not always the Dad who is abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No and have no interest in them. They treated their Dad horribly as teens per their mom's wishes. When they were young, we tried hard. But, after years of doing things, like sending clothing (brands, styles, colors they wanted) and other stuff and never once getting it acknowledged (just it arrived, didn't even have to be a thank you), I gave up and stopped trying. They only call if they want something, usually money which Dad will no longer give. If the situation were different, I'd love them and would do a lot for the one who has a child. We have a child and I cannot imagine raising them to hate the other parent and discouraging a relationship.

Why wasn't their father more involved beyond sending clothes and material things? Did he spend time with them? Show up at all their functions? Drive them to school? Participate in their daily and care and life?

If not, it's easy to understand their resentment.

Mom moved them cross country and Dad could not follow. Dad at one point tried to move there and daughter pitched a fit saying mom would be upset. He would buy plane tickets and she would refuse to put them on the plane. The courts would just say send the kids and give dad more visitation and make her pay more costs but she refused. Courts would not do anything. Dad did as much as he could. Mom cheated, left, took the kids and blamed Dad saying he cheated and was a deadbeat (he never was) and was horrible to him. Kids copied behavior to get mom's approval. Its weird as she's very nice to us now and frequently texts to see how he, we, our child or his mom is (whom she treated horribly). His daughter sends random emails too. He wishes they would stop.

She moved without permission? He was fully involved in the kids' lives and she just up and left?

Or was he not that involved and then OK'd the move, expecting somehow that he could be a Disneyland parent here and there and is now upset he doesn't get full respect even though he wasn't a full parent?

Yes to this. Nobody would ever "move" my children across the country without a nuclear war coming out of my end. Sounds like dear old dad wasn't interested. Honestly, the ex doesn't even need to spread any lies about him to his kids to get them to hate him, he did a fine job all on his own.

Life isn't that simple. You cannot stop someone from cheating on you and wanting to be with her affair partner. 20 years ago it would have been near impossible for a Dad to get custody, especially one active duty. If you are military, you cannot just pick up and move. When he did get orders to be near them again, the daughter called and said mom was flipping out at him moving there and please don't as she'll make it miserable for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 4 children. 2 I carried and 2 I did not. I came into their lives when they were 2 and 5.

DH and I have 4 children. We love them all. Each one has different needs and we try very hard to meet those needs.

We are financially responsible for all 4 kids. When we sit down to do the budgets for school, activities, clothes, trips, it's a lot of give and take. The pie is only so big and has to be split 4 ways. Both DH and I work to make the household run and give the kids what the need/want.

The 2 children that I did not carry talk with me daily about whats going on in their lives, are amazing siblings to the other 3 kids, and contribute to the household. Either parent can discipline any of the 4 children. All kids know that what one parent says goes for the other parent. I suspect it helps a lot that DH and I have very similar parenting/discipline philosophies.

You rock.

Stepkid here, my parents had 50/50 joint custody. I love my stepdad more than my real dad.

I could care less about my former stepmother and never spoke to her again after my dad and she divorced.

Not all step/blended family situations are the same and biology doesn't always determine love. Also, I have 4 siblings, I love them all differently. Not all love has to feel the same and there's no such thing as better love, its just different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My stepson was really young - like 2 - when he started coming around more often (every other weekend). Very sticky situation that I won't go into depth over. I care about him enough to not let anything bad happen to him, but I don't love him like my own children. I don't actually like his personality very much either, but he's just a kid, so it is what it is. All kids have their quirks.

Wow, does he dad know you feel this way? Poor kid. I'm sure he picks up on your bad vibes.

PP here. My DH doesn't really understand how I love them "differently" because all of the kids are his bios. But, even my DH has a different relationship with his son and our kids, because he doesn't come around that often. The bonds are just different.
It's like another PP said, you are innately forgiving and unconditionally loving to your kids. It's just not the same with my stepson. It's so easy to ignore your kids' flaws and quirks because you just love them SOOOOOOOOOOO much. I notice my stepson's flaws more than my own kids'. Doesn't mean that I treat him poorly because of them, they just stand out and annoy me more.

[Anonymous]

I feel in love with SD as much as I did with her dad. She was almost 8 at the time. She's almost 13 now. She is my only "child." I had ever intention to just be like an aunt for her but she pushed me into a mom role with her. Even called me mom this whole time, despite my original hesitation over it. She's with us 50%. Bio mom and step dad live nearby. Neither of her bio parents really parented her the way she needed when she was young and the step dad affirmatively hates kids and won't be bothered with her. Mom and DH weren't neglectful but just...absent and kind of not engaged when around and also...so permissive that SD was kind of feral when I met her. She blossomed under my more structured parenting and we've been madly close for all these years. Until now. At 13, she loves having checked out parents cuz...who wouldn't at that age. They think they know what's best and don't want to be "controlled." Hurts like hell to have her look me in the eye and throw in my face that I'm not "her mom" no matter how much I "pretend" I am. That she only "needs" 2 parents and I need to leave her alone. More importantly than me being hurt is not knowing if I should listen to her and just convert into being a "fun Aunt" and leave the parenting to 2 people who aren't interested in doing it or if I should just handle it like I would if I WERE her bio mom, understand that its developmentally normal for her to push away, and just continue to parent her in whatever way she needs. very, very complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel in love with SD as much as I did with her dad. She was almost 8 at the time. She's almost 13 now. She is my only "child." I had ever intention to just be like an aunt for her but she pushed me into a mom role with her. Even called me mom this whole time, despite my original hesitation over it. She's with us 50%. Bio mom and step dad live nearby. Neither of her bio parents really parented her the way she needed when she was young and the step dad affirmatively hates kids and won't be bothered with her. Mom and DH weren't neglectful but just...absent and kind of not engaged when around and also...so permissive that SD was kind of feral when I met her. She blossomed under my more structured parenting and we've been madly close for all these years. Until now. At 13, she loves having checked out parents cuz...who wouldn't at that age. They think they know what's best and don't want to be "controlled." Hurts like hell to have her look me in the eye and throw in my face that I'm not "her mom" no matter how much I "pretend" I am. That she only "needs" 2 parents and I need to leave her alone. More importantly than me being hurt is not knowing if I should listen to her and just convert into being a "fun Aunt" and leave the parenting to 2 people who aren't interested in doing it or if I should just handle it like I would if I WERE her bio mom, understand that its developmentally normal for her to push away, and just continue to parent her in whatever way she needs. very, very complicated.

Serious question, why did you marry a man who is not a good parent? I sincerely want to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 4 children. 2 I carried and 2 I did not. I came into their lives when they were 2 and 5.

DH and I have 4 children. We love them all. Each one has different needs and we try very hard to meet those needs.

We are financially responsible for all 4 kids. When we sit down to do the budgets for school, activities, clothes, trips, it's a lot of give and take. The pie is only so big and has to be split 4 ways. Both DH and I work to make the household run and give the kids what the need/want.

The 2 children that I did not carry talk with me daily about whats going on in their lives, are amazing siblings to the other 3 kids, and contribute to the household. Either parent can discipline any of the 4 children. All kids know that what one parent says goes for the other parent. I suspect it helps a lot that DH and I have very similar parenting/discipline philosophies.

I think this is important and has been echoed in a few other posts.

I love my skids in the sense that I want what's best for them and will support them in all they do. I like everything about them...they're wonderful kids. However, we only live five minutes from their mother and both BM and DH are fully available to the kids at all times so I had no "need" to fill in that respect. As someone else suggested, I am more like an "aunt" to them. It didn't help that DH never supported me in a parenting role in our household. When I tried to do things like ask them to clean up after themselves from lunch or pick up their towels off the bathroom floor, DH would get mad at me. He felt they were guests in our home and shouldn't have chores. When I asked him to keep them out of my room b/c I didn't want them digging through my drawers taking my stuff, he told me "it's what kids do" and I would have to deal with it. I'm given no thought on the holidays - no cards, no presents even though I bend over backwards to help DH shop for them every year. I don't harbor any ill will toward them or DH for any of this, I just adjusted my expectations, took on a stand offish role, and basically just became their friend and supporter in life. Looking back, I regret not trying to build my own relationship with them outside of DH. Because now I worry about what will happen when DH is gone and he's not there to facilitate their visits. Will they ever reach out ot me? Will they respond if I reach out to them? Will they maintain a relationship with their half siblings who absolutely adore them? We'll see.

I'll answer your question. No. They won't have much of a relationship with you.

I'm surprised you didn't write about how you tried to make it clear to your husband that this stuff was getting in the way of the kids feeling closer to you. I don't, PP. My dad sucked and my step mother followed his lead like you and back way, way off. My mother's side of the family wasn't much better (new kids and new husband) so I felt basically like I didn't have a home as much as custodians.

I actually wished my step mother pushed my father to actually be a parent. It would have made the world of a difference in our relationship and my relationship with him.

That said, even though I have 8 half siblings on both sides, I honestly view myself as someone with no family. I'm not close to either. I put myself through college, got a job 1500 miles away and basically only see them if there's no alternative. I've felt more welcome at Christmas at my college roommate's house than my step mother's for example.

I think you're resigned and this probably works for y'all, but it's sucks for those kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No and have no interest in them. They treated their Dad horribly as teens per their mom's wishes. When they were young, we tried hard. But, after years of doing things, like sending clothing (brands, styles, colors they wanted) and other stuff and never once getting it acknowledged (just it arrived, didn't even have to be a thank you), I gave up and stopped trying. They only call if they want something, usually money which Dad will no longer give. If the situation were different, I'd love them and would do a lot for the one who has a child. We have a child and I cannot imagine raising them to hate the other parent and discouraging a relationship.

Why wasn't their father more involved beyond sending clothes and material things? Did he spend time with them? Show up at all their functions? Drive them to school? Participate in their daily and care and life?

If not, it's easy to understand their resentment.

Mom moved them cross country and Dad could not follow. Dad at one point tried to move there and daughter pitched a fit saying mom would be upset. He would buy plane tickets and she would refuse to put them on the plane. The courts would just say send the kids and give dad more visitation and make her pay more costs but she refused. Courts would not do anything. Dad did as much as he could. Mom cheated, left, took the kids and blamed Dad saying he cheated and was a deadbeat (he never was) and was horrible to him. Kids copied behavior to get mom's approval. Its weird as she's very nice to us now and frequently texts to see how he, we, our child or his mom is (whom she treated horribly). His daughter sends random emails too. He wishes they would stop.

She moved without permission? He was fully involved in the kids' lives and she just up and left?

Or was he not that involved and then OK'd the move, expecting somehow that he could be a Disneyland parent here and there and is now upset he doesn't get full respect even though he wasn't a full parent?

Is it so hard to believe a mom would do that?

My former aunt moved my cousins to Ireland without permission. Mid-week, between visits. She's a control freak. Convinced the kids were all evil. As adults her kids have nothing to do with HER and have reconnected with our side of the family.

[Anonymous]

I do love my step children, they are 27 & 24. They have grown into fine young men and I am thankful to of been a part of their lives and for each individual things I taught them both. One I taught to tie his shoes and one I taught to drive, both skills they will always have because of me. They are a blessing to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I feel in love with SD as much as I did with her dad. She was almost 8 at the time. She's almost 13 now. She is my only "child." I had ever intention to just be like an aunt for her but she pushed me into a mom role with her. Even called me mom this whole time, despite my original hesitation over it. She's with us 50%. Bio mom and step dad live nearby. Neither of her bio parents really parented her the way she needed when she was young and the step dad affirmatively hates kids and won't be bothered with her. Mom and DH weren't neglectful but just...absent and kind of not engaged when around and also...so permissive that SD was kind of feral when I met her. She blossomed under my more structured parenting and we've been madly close for all these years. Until now. At 13, she loves having checked out parents cuz...who wouldn't at that age. They think they know what's best and don't want to be "controlled." Hurts like hell to have her look me in the eye and throw in my face that I'm not "her mom" no matter how much I "pretend" I am. That she only "needs" 2 parents and I need to leave her alone. More importantly than me being hurt is not knowing if I should listen to her and just convert into being a "fun Aunt" and leave the parenting to 2 people who aren't interested in doing it or if I should just handle it like I would if I WERE her bio mom, understand that its developmentally normal for her to push away, and just continue to parent her in whatever way she needs. very, very complicated.



Serious question, why did you marry a man who is not a good parent? I sincerely want to know.

Easy: I didn't know. I'm guessing there are lots and lots of things that people don't know about each other when they get married. This happened to be mine. I had spent a lot of time with them. She adored him. He was kind and smart and loving. We didn't live together until after marriage, which isn't unusual with kids involved. Reality didn't hit until a few months into the daily routine of life. But whatever, I was fine becoming her de factor parent. It was all working until recently.

[Anonymous]

My husband loves my kids. My three youngest were very small when we met. My youngest hadn't even turned 4, so he has pretty much raised him. My three adult sons respect him greatly, because he has always been there for them, and has helped them in so many ways. He is a good man, and we were blessed that he came into our lives. He had never married and did not want kids of his own, so he was perfectly fine with being a dad to mine.

[Anonymous]

It is hard. And not made easier by the fact that their bio mom says nasty things about me. Part of the problem with being a stepmom is that no one wants ANOTHER mother. So you are either this annoying person behaving like a real mom (do your homework, load your plate) or you are neglecting the duties of a real mom and trying to buy popularity (sure, have a brownie for dinner). It's just not easy.

I think it's easier for step dads because men in our culture do less of the daily "small" parenting (the dishwasher nagging, etc).

I am a big contributor to my family financially and in terms of healthful habits. I hope one day I am appreciated even a tiny bit. Not holding breath.