Question for stepparents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No and have no interest in them. They treated their Dad horribly as teens per their mom's wishes. When they were young, we tried hard. But, after years of doing things, like sending clothing (brands, styles, colors they wanted) and other stuff and never once getting it acknowledged (just it arrived, didn't even have to be a thank you), I gave up and stopped trying. They only call if they want something, usually money which Dad will no longer give. If the situation were different, I'd love them and would do a lot for the one who has a child. We have a child and I cannot imagine raising them to hate the other parent and discouraging a relationship.

Why wasn't their father more involved beyond sending clothes and material things? Did he spend time with them? Show up at all their functions? Drive them to school? Participate in their daily and care and life?

If not, it's easy to understand their resentment.

Mom moved them cross country and Dad could not follow. Dad at one point tried to move there and daughter pitched a fit saying mom would be upset. He would buy plane tickets and she would refuse to put them on the plane. The courts would just say send the kids and give dad more visitation and make her pay more costs but she refused. Courts would not do anything. Dad did as much as he could. Mom cheated, left, took the kids and blamed Dad saying he cheated and was a deadbeat (he never was) and was horrible to him. Kids copied behavior to get mom's approval. Its weird as she's very nice to us now and frequently texts to see how he, we, our child or his mom is (whom she treated horribly). His daughter sends random emails too. He wishes they would stop.

Given what you have said OP my only sympathy goes to these children who were lied to, moved, kept from their dad, and then blamed for perpetuating their mothers bad behavior toward their dad when they had no way of knowing that the awful things she was saying were not true. I find your contempt for them to be completely devoid of empathy or any kind of compassion. Your husband was a victim too until you revealed that he wishes his daughter would stop calling him. Now I'm wondering if his ex really was lying at all because he sounds like a real ahole.

[Anonymous]

There are rarely cases where one person is just all evil and the other is completely innocent. Second spouses s would be wise to not believe the ex is crazy and completely at fault because one day you may just agree with why she divorced your husband.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 step kids and one child; I refer to them all as my kids. I love them all equally, although since each is a unique person, I love them all differently. And I love them even when they don't love me back. I have made significant sacrifices, including some that have a direct effect on our youngest, to deal with special needs (unbeknownst to any of us when we got married) of one of our older children. I think step families can work in lots of ways, but my life is much richer--and much, much harder--for fully embracing them, and I am grateful every day that they have returned the sentiment. It's not perfect, by any means. One of our kids is in meltdown rebellion right now. But I don't act differently depending upon the legal relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband came into our lives when he was six, married before 8 and he loves him like his own son. He's an incredible and loving person, though. I got them involved in activities they both liked doing which I think also helped them bond. I feel lucky to have married him.

I think it's easier when everyone is living together. I think it's harder to form that bond on a every other weekend basis. I feel so sad for the kids in this thread.

[Anonymous]

I have 2 teenage stepkids, I've been in their lives for 10 years. Yes, I love them but it is different then how I feel about my own kids. I do feel responsible for them too even though I keep being told that is not technically my 'job'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are rarely cases where one person is just all evil and the other is completely innocent. Second spouses s would be wise to not believe the ex is crazy and completely at fault because one day you may just agree with why she divorced your husband.

THIS.

And this thread makes me so sad. It's the reason I will not remarry. My kids already have it bad enough with their dad and stepmom and being "guests" in their house once in awhile.

[Anonymous]

I feel sad reading this thread also. Until I became a step parent, I would not have been able to relate to or understand this at all. I have been a step parent of 2 for 7 years, I came into their lives when they were 8 and 9. They live with us full time, occasionally visiting mom on the weekends. It is a completely different relationship with them than with my biological children. With biological children there is that unconditional bond from the beginning. You are able to manage many of the stresses involved with parenting because you have the deep rooted love for your children. It is different with step children. Yes, I love them and we have a good relationship. I treat my step and bio kids equally, I would support each of them in any way necessary. However, the relationship just different.

[Anonymous]

Step kid here. I am here to say that stepmothers do NOT have to love their step-kids, and certainly not in the same way as their bio kids. You DO have to treat your stepkids warmly and fairly, and work hard to recognize any of your own issues that make you tend towards the "evil stepmother." You also have to prioritize their relationship with your spouse. And of course, you should not get married to their parent in the first place unless you were sure you could do all of the above and were committed to providing a healthy home for them.

I find that the notion of "loving" stepkids just distracts from the issue. Some stepmothers hide all manner of bad behavior under the guise of loving or not loving their steps. But good parenting/stepparenting is always more than the parents/steps' subjective feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No and have no interest in them. They treated their Dad horribly as teens per their mom's wishes. When they were young, we tried hard. But, after years of doing things, like sending clothing (brands, styles, colors they wanted) and other stuff and never once getting it acknowledged (just it arrived, didn't even have to be a thank you), I gave up and stopped trying. They only call if they want something, usually money which Dad will no longer give. If the situation were different, I'd love them and would do a lot for the one who has a child. We have a child and I cannot imagine raising them to hate the other parent and discouraging a relationship.

Why wasn't their father more involved beyond sending clothes and material things? Did he spend time with them? Show up at all their functions? Drive them to school? Participate in their daily and care and life?

If not, it's easy to understand their resentment.

Mom moved them cross country and Dad could not follow. Dad at one point tried to move there and daughter pitched a fit saying mom would be upset. He would buy plane tickets and she would refuse to put them on the plane. The courts would just say send the kids and give dad more visitation and make her pay more costs but she refused. Courts would not do anything. Dad did as much as he could. Mom cheated, left, took the kids and blamed Dad saying he cheated and was a deadbeat (he never was) and was horrible to him. Kids copied behavior to get mom's approval. Its weird as she's very nice to us now and frequently texts to see how he, we, our child or his mom is (whom she treated horribly). His daughter sends random emails too. He wishes they would stop.

Given what you have said OP my only sympathy goes to these children who were lied to, moved, kept from their dad, and then blamed for perpetuating their mothers bad behavior toward their dad when they had no way of knowing that the awful things she was saying were not true. I find your contempt for them to be completely devoid of empathy or any kind of compassion. Your husband was a victim too until you revealed that he wishes his daughter would stop calling him. Now I'm wondering if his ex really was lying at all because he sounds like a real ahole.

???Sounds like you are projecting. His daughter doesn't call. She emails a few times a year demanding something. Like she demanded to know about life insurance they had for when she was a child and got upset he didn't continue it when she was an adult (he asked her and she said she didn't want it) - it was a Gerber plan so he cashed it out and gave her the money. The last one was wanting to know if our child started school. Nothing more but did XXX start school. He's a great guy and Dad. Its been 20 years. At some point you detach out of survival and move on. No, I have no empathy. I have helped out with health insurance and other issues when one child got in a bad car accident and mom dropped his insurance and called us looking to pay the bills (they lied to us about what happened) so I did speak with the hospital as we still carried him on our insurance till we could no longer. Mom refused to use our insurance. I'm assuming they used it but we never heard anything further about it. (he was an adult/21, not our responsibility) Another time the youngest wanted us to buy him and his girlfriend plane tickets to this area in case he wanted to interview for a graduate school. Husband called ex as he wouldn't disclose the entire story and apparently he never planned on coming in less he didn't get into another graduate school. So, we would have wasted the money and changed our plans when he never intended on really coming. It was also bizarre he expected us to pay for his girlfriend when this was not a visit but for an interview. He got angry when we would only pay his. (he doesn't normally visit so we knew he was using us for something)

When your kids never call or email to chat and its only a few times a year with bizarre emails or demands, yes, its easier not to talk to them. Its hard on my husband having his ex cheat on him, take the kids and her refuse a relationship. And, its harder on him now she pretends to be nice when she was never nice all those years he tried and tried to have a relationship with her, when he paid most of his salary to alimony and child support and he had nothing and the little he had he'd send upon request when she claimed the kids needed something, which often was a lie (as he started to offer to buy the kids what they needed online and have it shipped or send a check made out to the school and she/they would refuse).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel sad reading this thread also. Until I became a step parent, I would not have been able to relate to or understand this at all. I have been a step parent of 2 for 7 years, I came into their lives when they were 8 and 9. They live with us full time, occasionally visiting mom on the weekends. It is a completely different relationship with them than with my biological children. With biological children there is that unconditional bond from the beginning. You are able to manage many of the stresses involved with parenting because you have the deep rooted love for your children. It is different with step children. Yes, I love them and we have a good relationship. I treat my step and bio kids equally, I would support each of them in any way necessary. However, the relationship just different.

Its very different when the kids live with you vs. you only are allowed to see them occasionally, if at all.

[Anonymous]

Yes. 6 and 4.

[Anonymous]

I have two step sons. They are both in their 20s now, and were 11 & 16 when I met them. Their parents had split 3 years before I met my future husband.
Like any divorce, a lot of drama. And yes there are two sides and I'm not blind. I think some of her behavior was *understandable* given a divorce, but a lot was evil. For instance, she decided to move to be closer to her boyfriend and told the kids it was because their dad left her broke. Truth is 2/3 of his income went to her, and the home she moved into cost more than the home they were living in. She chose to blame dad for the move instead of telling the kids she just wanted to move. She also told the older child he didn't have to visit. I get it - hanging out with dad isn't fun as a teenager. But he went a year without coming to our home for a visit (we were 60-90 minutes away at this point, depending on traffic), only agreed to meet him a couple times for a short visit (dinner, movies near where they lived)... and then wanted dad to pay for all of college.
As everything does, things changed over the years. Boys went off to college - one is working on his advanced degree now and the other is a junior. We see them every few months, which I think is normal for college kids that don't live that close.
Do I love the boys? Yes. Do I love them the same as my kids? No. Mostly because I met them when they were teens and they never lived with us full time. I'm more of an aunt to them.

[Anonymous]

I have 4 children. 2 I carried and 2 I did not. I came into their lives when they were 2 and 5.

DH and I have 4 children. We love them all. Each one has different needs and we try very hard to meet those needs.

We are financially responsible for all 4 kids. When we sit down to do the budgets for school, activities, clothes, trips, it's a lot of give and take. The pie is only so big and has to be split 4 ways. Both DH and I work to make the household run and give the kids what the need/want.

The 2 children that I did not carry talk with me daily about whats going on in their lives, are amazing siblings to the other 3 kids, and contribute to the household. Either parent can discipline any of the 4 children. All kids know that what one parent says goes for the other parent. I suspect it helps a lot that DH and I have very similar parenting/discipline philosophies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 4 children. 2 I carried and 2 I did not. I came into their lives when they were 2 and 5.

DH and I have 4 children. We love them all. Each one has different needs and we try very hard to meet those needs.

We are financially responsible for all 4 kids. When we sit down to do the budgets for school, activities, clothes, trips, it's a lot of give and take. The pie is only so big and has to be split 4 ways. Both DH and I work to make the household run and give the kids what the need/want.

The 2 children that I did not carry talk with me daily about whats going on in their lives, are amazing siblings to the other 3 kids, and contribute to the household. Either parent can discipline any of the 4 children. All kids know that what one parent says goes for the other parent. I suspect it helps a lot that DH and I have very similar parenting/discipline philosophies.

This is very, very similiar to our situation and a great summary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 4 children. 2 I carried and 2 I did not. I came into their lives when they were 2 and 5.

DH and I have 4 children. We love them all. Each one has different needs and we try very hard to meet those needs.

We are financially responsible for all 4 kids. When we sit down to do the budgets for school, activities, clothes, trips, it's a lot of give and take. The pie is only so big and has to be split 4 ways. Both DH and I work to make the household run and give the kids what the need/want.

The 2 children that I did not carry talk with me daily about whats going on in their lives, are amazing siblings to the other 3 kids, and contribute to the household. Either parent can discipline any of the 4 children. All kids know that what one parent says goes for the other parent. I suspect it helps a lot that DH and I have very similar parenting/discipline philosophies.

This is very, very similiar to our situation and a great summary.

+1....we love all equally...mine was a packaged deal. I do appreciate the honesty of other pps though.