Family member had a baby while going through a divorce - are gifts and congrats in order?

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like this baby needs all the support from loving family members he/she can get. Why would you consider doing something that might jeopardize that? You want to be closer to this relative than further away, right?
Judging the mom may make you feel morally superior, but it sure as hell doesn't help a baby.

[Anonymous]

Get a little something for the baby and be done with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From a different perspective - these are the babies I always give a little extra to. Newly divorced, stressed mom, terrible baby daddy, probably lots of family drama in general - this baby needs all the help it can get to start into life right. Most dual income, married, employed familiesdont need the gift "showered" on them when a baby is born; the reality is in these types of scenarios, the families often DO need the gifts. Don't think of it as a reward, think of it as a needed hand and a kindnessfor the baby.

That makes sense really. I can do that. I want to help them all be OK without enabling her and her bad choices.

Really? Do you think when she's presented with the next option for a one-night stand she's going to make her decision based on whether or not you offered a gift and well-wishes?

Maybe if she has a family of enablers, she can have as many babies and baby daddies as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From a different perspective - these are the babies I always give a little extra to. Newly divorced, stressed mom, terrible baby daddy, probably lots of family drama in general - this baby needs all the help it can get to start into life right. Most dual income, married, employed familiesdont need the gift "showered" on them when a baby is born; the reality is in these types of scenarios, the families often DO need the gifts. Don't think of it as a reward, think of it as a needed hand and a kindnessfor the baby.

That makes sense really. I can do that. I want to help them all be OK without enabling her and her bad choices.

Sorry, same PP again. If you're especially piqued (and it sounds like you are), you also don't have to get a standard "congratulations" card. Get a pretty, blank card and address it from a place of welcome to the new baby eg "Welcome to the world, Baby Larla. I'm so excited to finally meet you and I'm looking forward to watching you grow". Again, it leaves mom's choices out of it.

NO. I like this. PP, you are reasonable and kind. OP, get the baby something it needs. You will punish the baby if you try to punish the mom. What is your relationship to the mom? Is it your sister?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh I get it OP. I wouldn't attend a shower for a mother in such a position. If it was family I would send a blanket or something useful for the baby. Diapers, zip up onesies, etc.

This PP and the OP are terrible people. I can't even.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't throw a shower but I'd send a gift.

[Anonymous]

OMG, it is not the baby's fault to be born under unfortunate circumstances! Of course you should buy a gift. And if get over your low standards perhaps you can even do more to help this baby by befriending the mom and lending her some support (babysitting, meals delivered, "just because" gifts).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From a different perspective - these are the babies I always give a little extra to. Newly divorced, stressed mom, terrible baby daddy, probably lots of family drama in general - this baby needs all the help it can get to start into life right. Most dual income, married, employed familiesdont need the gift "showered" on them when a baby is born; the reality is in these types of scenarios, the families often DO need the gifts. Don't think of it as a reward, think of it as a needed hand and a kindnessfor the baby.

That makes sense really. I can do that. I want to help them all be OK without enabling her and her bad choices.

Okay, so OP, it is clear that you are confused about the concept of "enabling". Enabling is buying the booze for an alcoholic, or inviting the mom to a single's bar and leaving her there, or giving a gambler a ride to the casino, or ... Buying formula or dropping off diapers or buying some onsies at JC Penney's when they are on sale or paying the electric bill if the power is about to be shut off or paying for a Metro card or dropping off a load of groceries do NOT constitute enabling the mom and they sure DO help the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh I get it OP. I wouldn't attend a shower for a mother in such a position. If it was family I would send a blanket or something useful for the baby. Diapers, zip up onesies, etc.

This PP and the OP are terrible people. I can't even.

Why enable? I have a family member like this. She's always asking other family members for money. They feel guilty and bad for the kids so they support her lazy self.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh I get it OP. I wouldn't attend a shower for a mother in such a position. If it was family I would send a blanket or something useful for the baby. Diapers, zip up onesies, etc.

This PP and the OP are terrible people. I can't even.

Why enable? I have a family member like this. She's always asking other family members for money. They feel guilty and bad for the kids so they support her lazy self.

Well, first of all I'd consider if they actually really need the money, because they might. People without the skill sets that some of us are blessed with don't always know how to make a better life for themselves on limited resources. Second, I wouldn't just give money, but offer assistance with paying utilities, offer to go with them to buy groceries, school supplies, etc. Those are things that help the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you plan to always treat this child as a lesser member of the family (which would be really shitty of you), you do the same for this child that you would do for any other.

C'mon OP, be a better person that this.

I'm not rejecting the baby, my question is whether is gift is a reward for stupid choices . The baby is too young to know anything about gifts.

You give a gift with an open heart.

You will have plenty of other opportunities to be judgmental.

Most of us who have had sex we regret we're luckier than this new mom, so no one know. Just give a nice gift.

[Anonymous]

I would send a box of diapers and some wipes. I can understand OP's frustration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a new baby and a new life. Are you going to shun the kid forever?

This.

And any card welcoming a new baby is appropriate.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely send a gift. The circumstances aren't the baby's fault and they deserve to be celebrated and welcomed like any other child.

[Anonymous]

Of course you send a gift. You welcome this innocent baby as you would any other.