Family member had a baby while going through a divorce - are gifts and congrats in order?

[Anonymous]

A family member got pregnant while in the process of getting a divorce. The divorce was finalized shortly before the birth. Her ex-husband is not the father. The baby was a product of a one night stand, the father is a real piece of work. I feel a mix of compassion and frustration with my family member for making so many bad choices. I haven't bought a gift for the new baby, and wonder if it's appropriate, like it's rewarding her behavior. I couldn't even find a card that fit the situation truthfully. Would you buy a gift?

[Anonymous]

It's a new baby and a new life. Are you going to shun the kid forever?

[Anonymous]

Unless you plan to always treat this child as a lesser member of the family (which would be really shitty of you), you do the same for this child that you would do for any other.

C'mon OP, be a better person that this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you plan to always treat this child as a lesser member of the family (which would be really shitty of you), you do the same for this child that you would do for any other.

C'mon OP, be a better person that this.

I'm not rejecting the baby, my question is whether is gift is a reward for stupid choices . The baby is too young to know anything about gifts.

[Anonymous]

A card that fits the situation appropriately is congratulations and nothing else! Who cares how the baby came into the world or whether you "reward" her behavior - you're all adults here.

[Anonymous]

Most certainly congrats and gifts are in order. And who make you God? To decide to reward or not stupid choices? Thank God, you are not my family.

[Anonymous]

I can't even believe that you would ask this question.

[Anonymous]

YES.

Do you need to be reminded that this is a celebration of the BABY, not the parents?

Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you plan to always treat this child as a lesser member of the family (which would be really shitty of you), you do the same for this child that you would do for any other.

C'mon OP, be a better person that this.

I'm not rejecting the baby, my question is whether is gift is a reward for stupid choices . The baby is too young to know anything about gifts.

You can't separate the baby from their mother. If you shun the mother, you're effectively shunning the baby as well because you're not going to get the chance to have a relationship with the child without the mom.

[Anonymous]

Eh I get it OP. I wouldn't attend a shower for a mother in such a position. If it was family I would send a blanket or something useful for the baby. Diapers, zip up onesies, etc.

[Anonymous]

I am not shunning the baby or the mother. I'm just really frustrated with her. She has another baby still in diapers from a marriage that lasted a couple years - her husband is a decent hard working guy. She just makes bad choices and it affects these babies and her family too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you plan to always treat this child as a lesser member of the family (which would be really shitty of you), you do the same for this child that you would do for any other.

C'mon OP, be a better person that this.

I'm not rejecting the baby, my question is whether is gift is a reward for stupid choices . The baby is too young to know anything about gifts.

I think you're overestimating the value of your gift. A little baby outfit is unlikely to be seen as a "reward" for bad behavior.

[Anonymous]

Ask her to give up the child for adoption. Only after that should you give her any gift. Congratulate the baby though!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not shunning the baby or the mother. I'm just really frustrated with her. She has another baby still in diapers from a marriage that lasted a couple years - her husband is a decent hard working guy. She just makes bad choices and it affects these babies and her family too.

Why is it your place to be frustrated with her? How is her having this child actually impacting your life in a negative way? Boundaries are a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Are you supporting this situation financially or something? You sound so bitter.