Family member had a baby while going through a divorce - are gifts and congrats in order?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not shunning the baby or the mother. I'm just really frustrated with her. She has another baby still in diapers from a marriage that lasted a couple years - her husband is a decent hard working guy. She just makes bad choices and it affects these babies and her family too.

Who is this person to you? Sister, neice, cousin? Regardless, the mess she's made of her life is her punishment. Your small baby gift doesn't wipe that out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not shunning the baby or the mother. I'm just really frustrated with her. She has another baby still in diapers from a marriage that lasted a couple years - her husband is a decent hard working guy. She just makes bad choices and it affects these babies and her family too.

Unless she relies on you financially, it seems like you need to butt out. Other people don't live to make you proud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not shunning the baby or the mother. I'm just really frustrated with her. She has another baby still in diapers from a marriage that lasted a couple years - her husband is a decent hard working guy. She just makes bad choices and it affects these babies and her family too.

Why is it your place to be frustrated with her? How is her having this child actually impacting your life in a negative way? Boundaries are a good thing.

We have all helped her and have been a safety net for her. She is a single mother who doesn't make enough to support two kids and pay for child care in this area. Yes, her choices impact us. Kids are expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not shunning the baby or the mother. I'm just really frustrated with her. She has another baby still in diapers from a marriage that lasted a couple years - her husband is a decent hard working guy. She just makes bad choices and it affects these babies and her family too.

Why is it your place to be frustrated with her? How is her having this child actually impacting your life in a negative way? Boundaries are a good thing.

We have all helped her and have been a safety net for her. She is a single mother who doesn't make enough to support two kids and pay for child care in this area. Yes, her choices impact us. Kids are expensive.

If you're feeling that resentful, then stop offering financial support. You're not actually being forced to do it, it's your choice.

[Anonymous]

From a different perspective - these are the babies I always give a little extra to. Newly divorced, stressed mom, terrible baby daddy, probably lots of family drama in general - this baby needs all the help it can get to start into life right. Most dual income, married, employed familiesdont need the gift "showered" on them when a baby is born; the reality is in these types of scenarios, the families often DO need the gifts. Don't think of it as a reward, think of it as a needed hand and a kindnessfor the baby.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to give anything to her. You have too many negative emotions and the baby and the mother do not need any negativity right now. Hold off on any communication with them. Please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From a different perspective - these are the babies I always give a little extra to. Newly divorced, stressed mom, terrible baby daddy, probably lots of family drama in general - this baby needs all the help it can get to start into life right. Most dual income, married, employed familiesdont need the gift "showered" on them when a baby is born; the reality is in these types of scenarios, the families often DO need the gifts. Don't think of it as a reward, think of it as a needed hand and a kindnessfor the baby.

That makes sense really. I can do that. I want to help them all be OK without enabling her and her bad choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From a different perspective - these are the babies I always give a little extra to. Newly divorced, stressed mom, terrible baby daddy, probably lots of family drama in general - this baby needs all the help it can get to start into life right. Most dual income, married, employed familiesdont need the gift "showered" on them when a baby is born; the reality is in these types of scenarios, the families often DO need the gifts. Don't think of it as a reward, think of it as a needed hand and a kindnessfor the baby.

This exactly. Recently did this with cousin, who got quickly married after his GF (who has an older child from another relationship) got pregnant. Aunt and uncle went, his brothers could not at the last minute, and he only told the rest of us via email the day before the ceremony. Honestly, his older brother is still mad about how it all went down.

But when the baby shower came around, even though I couldn't travel to attend I sent a registry item and a few related items they didn't register for but I know they would need. They are both extremely under-employed (despite have excellent, top-tier educations and UMC parents) and can barely make ends meet. But there is no reason for their DD to suffer. I honestly don't know how he became such a hot-mess...he was always the smartest and most ambitious of his brothers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From a different perspective - these are the babies I always give a little extra to. Newly divorced, stressed mom, terrible baby daddy, probably lots of family drama in general - this baby needs all the help it can get to start into life right. Most dual income, married, employed familiesdont need the gift "showered" on them when a baby is born; the reality is in these types of scenarios, the families often DO need the gifts. Don't think of it as a reward, think of it as a needed hand and a kindnessfor the baby.

That makes sense really. I can do that. I want to help them all be OK without enabling her and her bad choices.

Sorry, same PP again. If you're especially piqued (and it sounds like you are), you also don't have to get a standard "congratulations" card. Get a pretty, blank card and address it from a place of welcome to the new baby eg "Welcome to the world, Baby Larla. I'm so excited to finally meet you and I'm looking forward to watching you grow". Again, it leaves mom's choices out of it.

[Anonymous]

Judgy
Always angers me when some think they are so much better

Surely the baby is something to celebrate, even if you do not like the adults or think their morals are bad

[Anonymous]

You're not taking her out to dinner;you're welcoming a family member into the world. Be generous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't even believe that you would ask this question.

I second this!!!!

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From a different perspective - these are the babies I always give a little extra to. Newly divorced, stressed mom, terrible baby daddy, probably lots of family drama in general - this baby needs all the help it can get to start into life right. Most dual income, married, employed familiesdont need the gift "showered" on them when a baby is born; the reality is in these types of scenarios, the families often DO need the gifts. Don't think of it as a reward, think of it as a needed hand and a kindnessfor the baby.

That makes sense really. I can do that. I want to help them all be OK without enabling her and her bad choices.

Really? Do you think when she's presented with the next option for a one-night stand she's going to make her decision based on whether or not you offered a gift and well-wishes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you plan to always treat this child as a lesser member of the family (which would be really shitty of you), you do the same for this child that you would do for any other.

C'mon OP, be a better person that this.

I'm not rejecting the baby, my question is whether is gift is a reward for stupid choices . The baby is too young to know anything about gifts.

You sound like a jerk. If you shun the baby now, you're setting the tone for the rest of your life as far as any relationship with the mom and baby go.

You are NOT better than anyone else. So drop the holier-than-thou bullsh*t.