Can't get over my counsin's decisions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What the hell is a "secret garbage person"? You sound like someone who feels that there is an innate difference between honorable victims and people who deserve to be scorned and cut out of your life. God help you if you ever make a mistake.

Yep, I can only think of one secret garbage person in this scenario and it's not the cousin.

[Anonymous]

OP if you want to understand abusive relationships pick up the book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft.

It's good reading that explains abuse, the red flags, and how it works. It's meant for people in abusive relationships to shed light on how their partners tick, but it can be enlightening for others too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What the hell is a "secret garbage person"? You sound like someone who feels that there is an innate difference between honorable victims and people who deserve to be scorned and cut out of your life. God help you if you ever make a mistake.

Yep, I can only think of one secret garbage person in this scenario and it's not the cousin.

IDK anyone who would knowingly bring a racist, falling down drunk to a mixed race family event is worse than garbage in my book. Her being abused doesn't excuse that. What she lets him do to her is her choice. If she's going to choose to give him the opportunity to do stuff to her family, she will, rightly be judged. Especially since she wanted him to come to the next event!

Not much different than a substance abuser or someone mentally ill. Her addiction/disorder may explain her behavior but it doesn't excuse it. There are consequences for choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What the hell is a "secret garbage person"? You sound like someone who feels that there is an innate difference between honorable victims and people who deserve to be scorned and cut out of your life. God help you if you ever make a mistake.

Yep, I can only think of one secret garbage person in this scenario and it's not the cousin.

IDK anyone who would knowingly bring a racist, falling down drunk to a mixed race family event is worse than garbage in my book. Her being abused doesn't excuse that. What she lets him do to her is her choice. If she's going to choose to give him the opportunity to do stuff to her family, she will, rightly be judged. Especially since she wanted him to come to the next event!

Not much different than a substance abuser or someone mentally ill. Her addiction/disorder may explain her behavior but it doesn't excuse it. There are consequences for choices.

Agreed. Feeling uneasy about her is justified.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What the hell is a "secret garbage person"? You sound like someone who feels that there is an innate difference between honorable victims and people who deserve to be scorned and cut out of your life. God help you if you ever make a mistake.

Yep, I can only think of one secret garbage person in this scenario and it's not the cousin.

IDK anyone who would knowingly bring a racist, falling down drunk to a mixed race family event is worse than garbage in my book. Her being abused doesn't excuse that. What she lets him do to her is her choice. If she's going to choose to give him the opportunity to do stuff to her family, she will, rightly be judged. Especially since she wanted him to come to the next event!

Not much different than a substance abuser or someone mentally ill. Her addiction/disorder may explain her behavior but it doesn't excuse it. There are consequences for choices.

Agreed. Feeling uneasy about her is justified.

Wow

You realize this kind of attitude is one thing that keeps women in abused relationships from seeking help, right? They fear their family and friends will judge them because they made the mistake of winding up with an abusive partner, so they feel like they have no one to turn to for help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What the hell is a "secret garbage person"? You sound like someone who feels that there is an innate difference between honorable victims and people who deserve to be scorned and cut out of your life. God help you if you ever make a mistake.

Yep, I can only think of one secret garbage person in this scenario and it's not the cousin.

IDK anyone who would knowingly bring a racist, falling down drunk to a mixed race family event is worse than garbage in my book. Her being abused doesn't excuse that. What she lets him do to her is her choice. If she's going to choose to give him the opportunity to do stuff to her family, she will, rightly be judged. Especially since she wanted him to come to the next event!

Not much different than a substance abuser or someone mentally ill. Her addiction/disorder may explain her behavior but it doesn't excuse it. There are consequences for choices.

Agreed. Feeling uneasy about her is justified.

Wow

You realize this kind of attitude is one thing that keeps women in abused relationships from seeking help, right? They fear their family and friends will judge them because they made the mistake of winding up with an abusive partner, so they feel like they have no one to turn to for help.

"Winding up" with an abusive partner is one thing. Bringing him to a family event so he can threaten others is a different matter. Leave him at home or don't go to the event. If your bad choices have damaged your relationships, you need to own up to it and acknowledge them. You shouldn't expect people to move on just because you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Read up on the power and control wheel: http://www.ncdsv.org/images/PowerControlwheelNOSHADING.pdf
Here are some stories about why people stay: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/12/why-didnt-you-just-leave_n_5805134.html

I read those stories and rather than have sympathy for those women, I have a lot of disgust. I'm a child survivor of horrific domestic violence - I have siblings that did not survive. My father was the abuser, my mother was the enabler. Had my father not killed himself, I have no doubt my mother would still be with him. I have a relationship with my mother but I haven't forgiven her. After I had kids of my own, the reality of what happened to my siblings and me hit me like a ton of bricks.

I spent years in therapy in order to come to acceptance - but that doesn't mean I don't judge her and all those women who allow themselves to be in a relationship with an abuser. Spout all you want about how they were lulled into it, that they had low self-esteem, that they were afraid, that they were isolated, whatever. There are some things worse than living. I know because I lived it. It's the kids that are the true victims.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. You might want to consider returning to therapy, because it's clear you still have a lot of anger about what happened to you. I hate to think of what that anger must be doing to you. I hope you can find peace.

I'm the PP you're responding to. I don't know why you think my lack of sympathy for these women is because of anger. It's not. You clearly have no experience with this and are just repeating what you think is supposed to be said. I find it difficult to understand why you feel compelled to post..