Can't get over my counsin's decisions

[Anonymous]

Do you ever actually talk to her? Has anyone ever reached out to ask her if she's okay or if she needs help or support? Seems like a lot of family second guessing and judging her decisions but no one openly talking with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with a cousin who I feel v close to. She doesn't date a lot, but three years ago she brought a boyfriend on an annual trip who was a completely an inexcusable garbage person. Racist, homophobic, black out morning drunk, and her arms were covered in bruises that weekend. There was a ton of attempts to intervene in the months following as the extent of the horribleness of the relationship and him had all the hallmarks of abuse and control. The next year she tried to bring him again, and I was nominated to stand up for the family and tell her no because we had babies in the house that year and he was so horrendous we were scared to have him around the kids.

They have since broken up, and she's moved on to a new bf who seems fine. Smoke has cleared. However, although I am not the type of person to hold onto things, and I strongly believe you don't know what's going on with people often so you should reserve judgment, I can not get over this. My view of her has changed drastically. I used to think she was a smart, thoughtful person, but her choice of this guy, who she was with for many years in the end, is so incredible, I can't stop thinking if she was ok with him, she must be okay with everything he said and did (n words, homophobic slurs, etc). I think it was an abusive relationship so I "take comfort" in perhaps thinking he had a hold over her that I can't understand. But I am hoping to get an outside perspective on how someone who is a social worker and has always had strong values would see something in a person like this. Although this is in the past, I can't get over it, and on a logistical level it's getting complicated bc I avoid her now, and the annual trip is mere weeks away. I want to be empathetic and understanding but is she a secret garbage person too?

Wow. I was in an abusive relationship in college, and I am glad the people I love don't hold it against me. It was a long, slow side into abuse (it wasn't physical until the very end) and I didn't realize how crazy it was until I got out of it. Shame on you.

OP here, this is actually exactly what I need to understand. I logically get that being in a relationship like that clouds your judgment, but then I see stuff he did in front of me, like screaming the N word, and I think, how can she be so blind to his actions? I don't feel blaming of her? But genuinely sad and not sure how to proceed and understand all of this.

Not the PP - but to the OP - do you know about the domestic violence power and control wheel? It isn't just the physical violence, but abusers have control over their victims - they do do so many things so that the victim learns to depend on them, and not have anywhere else to turn to. It takes a victim an average of 7-8 times to leave the abuser permanently. You may not understand why she stayed with him for so long, but she got out, and you should celebrate that instead of holding the relationship against her.

Read up on the power and control wheel: http://www.ncdsv.org/images/PowerControlwheelNOSHADING.pdf
Here are some stories about why people stay: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/12/why-didnt-you-just-leave_n_5805134.html

[Anonymous]

Physical abuse is often linked with emotional abuse. Emotional abuse starts small and can be amazingly convincing and manipulative. I used to think I would never put up with crap, but when I read about emotional abuse, I realized I fell for it in high school. And once I was out of it, I watched the next girl fall for it as well.

It is hard to explain, but slowly but surely the offender convinces the victim that thier live is so great that no one can understand. So anyone who says anything I does not understand is against them. Slowly you become isolated and you can even feel trapped. But it is hard to escape because you now believe your friends do not really care about you, only the offender cares.

You judging your cousin reenforces this belief. You are actually making it harder for her to recover.

[Anonymous]

I'm astounded that you seem to hold being "racist" and "homophobic" as being greater offenses in your eyes than fairly obvious domestic physical violence.

Typical liberal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with a cousin who I feel v close to. She doesn't date a lot, but three years ago she brought a boyfriend on an annual trip who was a completely an inexcusable garbage person. Racist, homophobic, black out morning drunk, and her arms were covered in bruises that weekend. There was a ton of attempts to intervene in the months following as the extent of the horribleness of the relationship and him had all the hallmarks of abuse and control. The next year she tried to bring him again, and I was nominated to stand up for the family and tell her no because we had babies in the house that year and he was so horrendous we were scared to have him around the kids.

They have since broken up, and she's moved on to a new bf who seems fine. Smoke has cleared. However, although I am not the type of person to hold onto things, and I strongly believe you don't know what's going on with people often so you should reserve judgment, I can not get over this. My view of her has changed drastically. I used to think she was a smart, thoughtful person, but her choice of this guy, who she was with for many years in the end, is so incredible, I can't stop thinking if she was ok with him, she must be okay with everything he said and did (n words, homophobic slurs, etc). I think it was an abusive relationship so I "take comfort" in perhaps thinking he had a hold over her that I can't understand. But I am hoping to get an outside perspective on how someone who is a social worker and has always had strong values would see something in a person like this. Although this is in the past, I can't get over it, and on a logistical level it's getting complicated bc I avoid her now, and the annual trip is mere weeks away. I want to be empathetic and understanding but is she a secret garbage person too?

Wow. I was in an abusive relationship in college, and I am glad the people I love don't hold it against me. It was a long, slow side into abuse (it wasn't physical until the very end) and I didn't realize how crazy it was until I got out of it. Shame on you.

OP here, this is actually exactly what I need to understand. I logically get that being in a relationship like that clouds your judgment, but then I see stuff he did in front of me, like screaming the N word, and I think, how can she be so blind to his actions? I don't feel blaming of her? But genuinely sad and not sure how to proceed and understand all of this.

Think of it as a disease, like alcoholism - which in the program we describe as "baffling, powerful, and cunning." Sounds like an apt description for the hold this guy had on your cousin. Hope she's doing better!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm astounded that you seem to hold being "racist" and "homophobic" as being greater offenses in your eyes than fairly obvious domestic physical violence.

Typical liberal.

Wow, you don't like stereotyping and you show it by stereotyping right back!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm astounded that you seem to hold being "racist" and "homophobic" as being greater offenses in your eyes than fairly obvious domestic physical violence.

Typical liberal.

Wow, you don't like stereotyping and you show it by stereotyping right back!

And clearly you hold stereotyping in worse regard than hitting a woman, since you brushed right over it again.

[Anonymous]

Read up on the power and control wheel: http://www.ncdsv.org/images/PowerControlwheelNOSHADING.pdf
Here are some stories about why people stay: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/12/why-didnt-you-just-leave_n_5805134.html

I read those stories and rather than have sympathy for those women, I have a lot of disgust. I'm a child survivor of horrific domestic violence - I have siblings that did not survive. My father was the abuser, my mother was the enabler. Had my father not killed himself, I have no doubt my mother would still be with him. I have a relationship with my mother but I haven't forgiven her. After I had kids of my own, the reality of what happened to my siblings and me hit me like a ton of bricks.

I spent years in therapy in order to come to acceptance - but that doesn't mean I don't judge her and all those women who allow themselves to be in a relationship with an abuser. Spout all you want about how they were lulled into it, that they had low self-esteem, that they were afraid, that they were isolated, whatever. There are some things worse than living. I know because I lived it. It's the kids that are the true victims.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Read up on the power and control wheel: http://www.ncdsv.org/images/PowerControlwheelNOSHADING.pdf
Here are some stories about why people stay: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/12/why-didnt-you-just-leave_n_5805134.html

I read those stories and rather than have sympathy for those women, I have a lot of disgust. I'm a child survivor of horrific domestic violence - I have siblings that did not survive. My father was the abuser, my mother was the enabler. Had my father not killed himself, I have no doubt my mother would still be with him. I have a relationship with my mother but I haven't forgiven her. After I had kids of my own, the reality of what happened to my siblings and me hit me like a ton of bricks.

I spent years in therapy in order to come to acceptance - but that doesn't mean I don't judge her and all those women who allow themselves to be in a relationship with an abuser. Spout all you want about how they were lulled into it, that they had low self-esteem, that they were afraid, that they were isolated, whatever. There are some things worse than living. I know because I lived it. It's the kids that are the true victims.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. You might want to consider returning to therapy, because it's clear you still have a lot of anger about what happened to you. I hate to think of what that anger must be doing to you. I hope you can find peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Read up on the power and control wheel: http://www.ncdsv.org/images/PowerControlwheelNOSHADING.pdf
Here are some stories about why people stay: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/12/why-didnt-you-just-leave_n_5805134.html

I read those stories and rather than have sympathy for those women, I have a lot of disgust. I'm a child survivor of horrific domestic violence - I have siblings that did not survive. My father was the abuser, my mother was the enabler. Had my father not killed himself, I have no doubt my mother would still be with him. I have a relationship with my mother but I haven't forgiven her. After I had kids of my own, the reality of what happened to my siblings and me hit me like a ton of bricks.

I spent years in therapy in order to come to acceptance - but that doesn't mean I don't judge her and all those women who allow themselves to be in a relationship with an abuser. Spout all you want about how they were lulled into it, that they had low self-esteem, that they were afraid, that they were isolated, whatever. There are some things worse than living. I know because I lived it. It's the kids that are the true victims.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. You might want to consider returning to therapy, because it's clear you still have a lot of anger about what happened to you. I hate to think of what that anger must be doing to you. I hope you can find peace.

NP here. Who are you to speak so condescendingly to someone about their own life experience?

[Anonymous]

OP here again and this is enlightening, and I googled the circle of abuse and control wheel and read your links, thank you.

I guess what I have had a hard time coming to peace with is just wondering if his views and her acceptance of him (and her being a social worker helping underprivileged poor kids in an inner city) spoke to her actually not seeing anything wrong with the awful stuff he said, or if it was a symptom of abuse.

I get logically, especially after reading what you all showed me, is that her complacency was part of her being in an abusive relationship. Part of writing on this board was a lame attempt to say: I know something awful happened to her. But how do I square that with the anger I have that she brought someone into our lives who was openly hostile to my family (who is mixed race). I thought time would help and that my genuine want to "get it" would win out. But I am three years out and can't get to feeling full compassion for her. Maybe that makes me a bad person, I don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again and this is enlightening, and I googled the circle of abuse and control wheel and read your links, thank you.

I guess what I have had a hard time coming to peace with is just wondering if his views and her acceptance of him (and her being a social worker helping underprivileged poor kids in an inner city) spoke to her actually not seeing anything wrong with the awful stuff he said, or if it was a symptom of abuse.

I get logically, especially after reading what you all showed me, is that her complacency was part of her being in an abusive relationship. Part of writing on this board was a lame attempt to say: I know something awful happened to her. But how do I square that with the anger I have that she brought someone into our lives who was openly hostile to my family (who is mixed race). I thought time would help and that my genuine want to "get it" would win out. But I am three years out and can't get to feeling full compassion for her. Maybe that makes me a bad person, I don't know.

What makes you a shitty person is that you're almost totally focused on how someone else's abuser affected you (judging your family, changing your view of your cousin), than you are focused on your cousin herself and what the actual abuse victim went through (presumably considerable emotional and physical violence).

OP, just do your cousin a favor and distance yourself from her. You're clearly a friend who makes everything all about themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again and this is enlightening, and I googled the circle of abuse and control wheel and read your links, thank you.

I guess what I have had a hard time coming to peace with is just wondering if his views and her acceptance of him (and her being a social worker helping underprivileged poor kids in an inner city) spoke to her actually not seeing anything wrong with the awful stuff he said, or if it was a symptom of abuse.

I get logically, especially after reading what you all showed me, is that her complacency was part of her being in an abusive relationship. Part of writing on this board was a lame attempt to say: I know something awful happened to her. But how do I square that with the anger I have that she brought someone into our lives who was openly hostile to my family (who is mixed race). I thought time would help and that my genuine want to "get it" would win out. But I am three years out and can't get to feeling full compassion for her. Maybe that makes me a bad person, I don't know.

What makes you a shitty person is that you're almost totally focused on how someone else's abuser affected you (judging your family, changing your view of your cousin), than you are focused on your cousin herself and what the actual abuse victim went through (presumably considerable emotional and physical violence).

OP, just do your cousin a favor and distance yourself from her. You're clearly a friend who makes everything all about themselves.

BS. It's one thing for the cousin to choose to allow someone like that into her life, it's another to bring him to the family circle and expect people to remain silent when he subjects others to his hostility. It is unreasonable to think your choices will not change how people think of you.

[Anonymous]

What the hell is a "secret garbage person"? You sound like someone who feels that there is an innate difference between honorable victims and people who deserve to be scorned and cut out of your life. God help you if you ever make a mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What the hell is a "secret garbage person"? You sound like someone who feels that there is an innate difference between honorable victims and people who deserve to be scorned and cut out of your life. God help you if you ever make a mistake.

Stop the drama. The BF was 'racist, homophobic and black out morning drunk'. He was so bad OP's family were concerned for the safety of their mixed race kids. OP's cousin not only accepted the behavior, she wanted to bring him back the next year! That makes OP's family victims. The difference is OP's family determined his behavior was unacceptable and intolerable. OP's cousin did not. By her silence, she condoned his behavior. I don't blame OP for feeling different about her cousin.