Can't get over my counsin's decisions

[Anonymous]

I grew up with a cousin who I feel v close to. She doesn't date a lot, but three years ago she brought a boyfriend on an annual trip who was a completely an inexcusable garbage person. Racist, homophobic, black out morning drunk, and her arms were covered in bruises that weekend. There was a ton of attempts to intervene in the months following as the extent of the horribleness of the relationship and him had all the hallmarks of abuse and control. The next year she tried to bring him again, and I was nominated to stand up for the family and tell her no because we had babies in the house that year and he was so horrendous we were scared to have him around the kids.

They have since broken up, and she's moved on to a new bf who seems fine. Smoke has cleared. However, although I am not the type of person to hold onto things, and I strongly believe you don't know what's going on with people often so you should reserve judgment, I can not get over this. My view of her has changed drastically. I used to think she was a smart, thoughtful person, but her choice of this guy, who she was with for many years in the end, is so incredible, I can't stop thinking if she was ok with him, she must be okay with everything he said and did (n words, homophobic slurs, etc). I think it was an abusive relationship so I "take comfort" in perhaps thinking he had a hold over her that I can't understand. But I am hoping to get an outside perspective on how someone who is a social worker and has always had strong values would see something in a person like this. Although this is in the past, I can't get over it, and on a logistical level it's getting complicated bc I avoid her now, and the annual trip is mere weeks away. I want to be empathetic and understanding but is she a secret garbage person too?

[Anonymous]

She might be. Or she may have low self-esteem.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she has low self- esteem, OP. Since she's family, I would give her the benefit of the doubt.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to get over it right now, OP. Only time will dampen your memory of her actions as other events come in between.

So for now try to interact with her as if that episode had not happened. Fake it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You don't have to get over it right now, OP. Only time will dampen your memory of her actions as other events come in between.

So for now try to interact with her as if that episode had not happened. Fake it.

Pretty much this.

I have had two very close friends date garbage people. For multiple years. I'd describe both relationships as abusive. It was incredibly hard to be friends with them while they were in the relationship. One of the friends I even stopped talking to for a bit because I was frustrated that she would complain about her jerk bf and yet keep staying with him.

They both ended up marrying wonderful guys and are both close friends with me now, over 15 years later. One of them I won't ever trust completely the same way ever again, but the other completely understands she was stuck in a horrific place.

Time has helped tremendously because now it almost feels like a lifetime ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with a cousin who I feel v close to. She doesn't date a lot, but three years ago she brought a boyfriend on an annual trip who was a completely an inexcusable garbage person. Racist, homophobic, black out morning drunk, and her arms were covered in bruises that weekend. There was a ton of attempts to intervene in the months following as the extent of the horribleness of the relationship and him had all the hallmarks of abuse and control. The next year she tried to bring him again, and I was nominated to stand up for the family and tell her no because we had babies in the house that year and he was so horrendous we were scared to have him around the kids.

They have since broken up, and she's moved on to a new bf who seems fine. Smoke has cleared. However, although I am not the type of person to hold onto things, and I strongly believe you don't know what's going on with people often so you should reserve judgment, I can not get over this. My view of her has changed drastically. I used to think she was a smart, thoughtful person, but her choice of this guy, who she was with for many years in the end, is so incredible, I can't stop thinking if she was ok with him, she must be okay with everything he said and did (n words, homophobic slurs, etc). I think it was an abusive relationship so I "take comfort" in perhaps thinking he had a hold over her that I can't understand. But I am hoping to get an outside perspective on how someone who is a social worker and has always had strong values would see something in a person like this. Although this is in the past, I can't get over it, and on a logistical level it's getting complicated bc I avoid her now, and the annual trip is mere weeks away. I want to be empathetic and understanding but is she a secret garbage person too?

Wow. I was in an abusive relationship in college, and I am glad the people I love don't hold it against me. It was a long, slow side into abuse (it wasn't physical until the very end) and I didn't realize how crazy it was until I got out of it. Shame on you.

[Anonymous]

I think abusive romantic relationships are really hard to "get" unless you've been in one and you see the slow slide into abuse yourself. Especially if it starts with emotional abuse. I think we all know that if a boyfriend hits you hes wrong, but there's so much gray area on emotional abuse that it can become a pattern before the victim realizes it's a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with a cousin who I feel v close to. She doesn't date a lot, but three years ago she brought a boyfriend on an annual trip who was a completely an inexcusable garbage person. Racist, homophobic, black out morning drunk, and her arms were covered in bruises that weekend. There was a ton of attempts to intervene in the months following as the extent of the horribleness of the relationship and him had all the hallmarks of abuse and control. The next year she tried to bring him again, and I was nominated to stand up for the family and tell her no because we had babies in the house that year and he was so horrendous we were scared to have him around the kids.

They have since broken up, and she's moved on to a new bf who seems fine. Smoke has cleared. However, although I am not the type of person to hold onto things, and I strongly believe you don't know what's going on with people often so you should reserve judgment, I can not get over this. My view of her has changed drastically. I used to think she was a smart, thoughtful person, but her choice of this guy, who she was with for many years in the end, is so incredible, I can't stop thinking if she was ok with him, she must be okay with everything he said and did (n words, homophobic slurs, etc). I think it was an abusive relationship so I "take comfort" in perhaps thinking he had a hold over her that I can't understand. But I am hoping to get an outside perspective on how someone who is a social worker and has always had strong values would see something in a person like this. Although this is in the past, I can't get over it, and on a logistical level it's getting complicated bc I avoid her now, and the annual trip is mere weeks away. I want to be empathetic and understanding but is she a secret garbage person too?

Wow. I was in an abusive relationship in college, and I am glad the people I love don't hold it against me. It was a long, slow side into abuse (it wasn't physical until the very end) and I didn't realize how crazy it was until I got out of it. Shame on you.

OP here, this is actually exactly what I need to understand. I logically get that being in a relationship like that clouds your judgment, but then I see stuff he did in front of me, like screaming the N word, and I think, how can she be so blind to his actions? I don't feel blaming of her? But genuinely sad and not sure how to proceed and understand all of this.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she thought she could redeem him, somehow? I work around social workers, and they are incredibly idealistic, to the point of extreme naivete.

I too dated a horrible guy in college, and it took me 2 years to snap out of it. Even decades later, I'm still embarrassed about the whole thing.

[Anonymous]

I'm not going to theorize about why she stayed in the relationship other than to say that abusive relationships can be complicated, and there can be a lot of self-blame on the part of the abused person that makes them feel responsible for their abuser's bad behavior (including things like yelling the n-word) and thus like they can't break up with the abuser over it. She has ended that relationship, though, which can be very difficult for an abuse victim, so instead of viewing her as garbage for getting into the relationship, you could try looking at her as a person who has found her strength and did something admirable by moving on from that awful relationship. That she's now with someone who doesn't appear to have those same traits as her last boyfriend supports this view much more than it does your view that she's just an awful person.

[Anonymous]

Ah, social worker! So, she can "save him" and is pleased with herself that she doesn't judge him. Sad.

I've seen it over and over again. There should be more emphasis in schooling and licensure about these sorts of boundaries.

[Anonymous]

I've never been in an abusive relationship so I can't really relate. But try to have some compassion for her. Obviously she felt like she didn't deserve any better at the time, and I'm so glad that she's out of that situation. We all make mistakes, some are worse than others. Luckily the guy is now gone and she is probably just as embarrassed about dating him. Judging her for the rest of her life for making this poor choice is harsh, IMO, especially when it's someone you love and are close to. Just be happy that she's done with him. Can you talk to her openly about it? I've had friends who dated jerks and dragged it out too long. I sometimes say to them that wow, I'm so glad that the jerk is out of your life now. You seem so much happier.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I was in an abusive relationship in college, and I am glad the people I love don't hold it against me. It was a long, slow side into abuse (it wasn't physical until the very end) and I didn't realize how crazy it was until I got out of it. Shame on you.

OP here, this is actually exactly what I need to understand. I logically get that being in a relationship like that clouds your judgment, but then I see stuff he did in front of me, like screaming the N word, and I think, how can she be so blind to his actions? I don't feel blaming of her? But genuinely sad and not sure how to proceed and understand all of this.

She has a new boyfriend who is fine. OP, I need for you to repeatedly explain to me why you can't get over this. How long has it been she she broke up with the jerk? What is within you that you just cannot let go. Do you have daughters? Would you think your daughter is garbage if she became involved with an abusive jerk? Is your dad garbage? Do you have garbage daddy issues?

OP, please reply. I will be back to ask you the same questions again later today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not going to theorize about why she stayed in the relationship other than to say that abusive relationships can be complicated, and there can be a lot of self-blame on the part of the abused person that makes them feel responsible for their abuser's bad behavior (including things like yelling the n-word) and thus like they can't break up with the abuser over it. She has ended that relationship, though, which can be very difficult for an abuse victim, so instead of viewing her as garbage for getting into the relationship, you could try looking at her as a person who has found her strength and did something admirable by moving on from that awful relationship. That she's now with someone who doesn't appear to have those same traits as her last boyfriend supports this view much more than it does your view that she's just an awful person.

IA. I hope she will seriously consider this. Her neice is not garbage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Wow. I was in an abusive relationship in college, and I am glad the people I love don't hold it against me. It was a long, slow side into abuse (it wasn't physical until the very end) and I didn't realize how crazy it was until I got out of it. Shame on you.

OP here, this is actually exactly what I need to understand. I logically get that being in a relationship like that clouds your judgment, but then I see stuff he did in front of me, like screaming the N word, and I think, how can she be so blind to his actions? I don't feel blaming of her? But genuinely sad and not sure how to proceed and understand all of this.

She has a new boyfriend who is fine. OP, I need for you to repeatedly explain to me why you can't get over this. How long has it been she she broke up with the jerk? What is within you that you just cannot let go. Do you have daughters? Would you think your daughter is garbage if she became involved with an abusive jerk? Is your dad garbage? Do you have garbage daddy issues?

OP, please reply. I will be back to ask you the same questions again later today.

This. Have some compassion. She got out of the relationship and is dating someone better now. The fact that you think she might be "garbage" says nothing but horrible things about you.