DH away on work trip, MIL and FIL want to have dinner.

[Anonymous]

PP mentioned phobia - is that a possibility? Lots of anxiety about being with unfamiliar others, or perhaps just going out of the house?

[Anonymous]

Maybe you can talk about something of mutual interest . . . namely their son. Ask them to tell you some funny stories, etc. about him. That always gets the parents going and happy. Bring something as a conversation piece . . . maybe some pictures of your last vacation or your family pet or whatever. The time will go faster than you think. And just smile. Smiles go a long way.

[Anonymous]

OP, I completely understand why you don't want to go; it would be stressful for me, too. My guess is that your ILs are extroverts who kindly think you're lonely while DH is away. I think you should go, though, because they're trying to be nice.

What I don't understand is why people on this thread feel the need to tell the OP to "grow up" because this situation makes her uncomfortable and she doesn't want to go. This is the kind of situation that extroverts don't seem to understand, though. And, introverts have to go along or they're branded as rude or apparently, not grown up. OP's hesitancy to go to dinner with the ILs is not a personal statement about the ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I completely understand why you don't want to go; it would be stressful for me, too. My guess is that your ILs are extroverts who kindly think you're lonely while DH is away. I think you should go, though, because they're trying to be nice.

What I don't understand is why people on this thread feel the need to tell the OP to "grow up" because this situation makes her uncomfortable and she doesn't want to go. This is the kind of situation that extroverts don't seem to understand, though. And, introverts have to go along or they're branded as rude or apparently, not grown up. OP's hesitancy to go to dinner with the ILs is not a personal statement about the ILs.

For the love - I am an introvert with mild social anxiety but being that way doesn't mean that I get a free pass to be rude and passive aggressive. It's one night. I get that it might wipe her out for a few days, but it's 90 minutes. That's shorter than some people's commutes or a sonogram visit. She can really suck it up, bank some positive karma with the in laws, and (possibly because my in laws would do this as would my parents) get a free meal. Her comment that her husband should have thought of her feelings and tell his parents to not contact her is just bizarre and childish. It is exhausting when my in laws come to visit but they also know how draining it is for me so work a balance out, but we've only gotten to this point because everyone acted like adults, I didn't cling to the "but I'm an INTROVERT! so pass me the fainting chair" nonsense.

OP - it's 90 minutes tops. Pick a place you like, get a drink, ask questions about his childhood to get the really funny stories, and plan for the mentally recovery the next day. It will pave the road for the future - especially when/if kids enter the picture.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't go if you don't want to. You're an adult, and can make decisions for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't go if you don't want to. You're an adult, and can make decisions for yourself.

This is true but OP needs to grow up and just go to dinner this once. The decision to not go will certainly have negative consequences for her (which she may not care about) but also DH, who would care and whose feelings OP should consider as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I completely understand why you don't want to go; it would be stressful for me, too. My guess is that your ILs are extroverts who kindly think you're lonely while DH is away. I think you should go, though, because they're trying to be nice.

What I don't understand is why people on this thread feel the need to tell the OP to "grow up" because this situation makes her uncomfortable and she doesn't want to go. This is the kind of situation that extroverts don't seem to understand, though. And, introverts have to go along or they're branded as rude or apparently, not grown up. OP's hesitancy to go to dinner with the ILs is not a personal statement about the ILs.

For the love - I am an introvert with mild social anxiety but being that way doesn't mean that I get a free pass to be rude and passive aggressive. It's one night. I get that it might wipe her out for a few days, but it's 90 minutes. That's shorter than some people's commutes or a sonogram visit. She can really suck it up, bank some positive karma with the in laws, and (possibly because my in laws would do this as would my parents) get a free meal. Her comment that her husband should have thought of her feelings and tell his parents to not contact her is just bizarre and childish. It is exhausting when my in laws come to visit but they also know how draining it is for me so work a balance out, but we've only gotten to this point because everyone acted like adults, I didn't cling to the "but I'm an INTROVERT! so pass me the fainting chair" nonsense.

OP - it's 90 minutes tops. Pick a place you like, get a drink, ask questions about his childhood to get the really funny stories, and plan for the mentally recovery the next day. It will pave the road for the future - especially when/if kids enter the picture.

PP here that you replied to. You must have missed the part where I said I thought she should go.

[Anonymous]

Are you planning to have kids? Because all of a sudden that makes the ILs a different part of your life than they were before. You're connected in a much different way.

Better to have a good relationship with them--and having some comfort level with them without your DH is an amazing thing to have.

Unless there's some backstory you're not telling us, you go. This isn't a question.

[Anonymous]

I'm an introvert with unpleasant inlaws. Totally get it.

However, if I were you, I would suck it up and go. It's the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

I hate when people with social phobias, or just assholes in general, hide behind "being an introvert". Introversion simply means that you don't get your energy from other people. It doesn't mean you get feelings of dread at the thought of interacting with people.

I'm deeply introverted. I can go unbelievable stretches of time alone, and it takes me hours or days to deprogram from some interactions.

That said, I still don't get uncomfortable when I need to engage with someone.

Grow up, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you planning to have kids? Because all of a sudden that makes the ILs a different part of your life than they were before. You're connected in a much different way.

Better to have a good relationship with them--and having some comfort level with them without your DH is an amazing thing to have.

Unless there's some backstory you're not telling us, you go. This isn't a question.

New poster here. OP, a huge +1 to this post here.

Also, even if you never have kids, having a decent relationship with the people who raised your husband is both useful and enriching. I do get that maybe you dont' see anything "enriching" in spending time with anyone who is not already extremely close to you--is that the case? But think of this: If you're married, knowing your spouse's family tells you so much about who your spouse was before you met, and what your spouse may be like as you grow older together. And your in-laws could become real supports for you when DH is not around (does he travel much for work or is this trip unusual?). And yes, you might actually need the support of someone who is not your DH at some point in your life when he's gone. They might even end up being friends in their own right. Being an introvert does not mean having only a relationship with your spouse and no one else in the world, or else introverts would never have friends, work colleagues, or relatives they want to see.

Does your DH know how very strongly you want to be alone when he's not there? Do you also find yourself, while he's gone, not only wanting to avoid one evening with the in-laws but also wanting NOT to see anyone, like a friend or relative of your own? Have you talked to him about this? If this is multiple weeks of zero contact with anyone until DH is back -- you might seriously consider whether you have a phobia or other issues that could benefit from therapy. I realize that being introverted per se is not some "condition" to treat, but if you're really not wanting to see anyone ever other than your DH, you might be too dependent on him for all your social interaction. I hope that's not the case.

I'd go back and re-read the post above from the person who identifies as introverted, who has learned not to use introversion as a way to turn down contact with others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate when people with social phobias, or just assholes in general, hide behind "being an introvert". Introversion simply means that you don't get your energy from other people. It doesn't mean you get feelings of dread at the thought of interacting with people.

I'm deeply introverted. I can go unbelievable stretches of time alone, and it takes me hours or days to deprogram from some interactions.

That said, I still don't get uncomfortable when I need to engage with someone.

Grow up, OP.

Well, good for you, but you don't get to tell other people how to feel. It's not unusual to feel uncomfortable engaging with in-laws without the spouse present.

OP, I get it. My in-laws came for a two-day visit while my H was deployed. They were and are lovely and gracious but it was pure torture for me. But they wanted to see their grandson and I obviously had to put aside my own feelings and make it nice for them.

As a fellow introvert, I do find that sometimes the anticipation of the event is worse than the event itself. Hope that is the case for you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate when people with social phobias, or just assholes in general, hide behind "being an introvert". Introversion simply means that you don't get your energy from other people. It doesn't mean you get feelings of dread at the thought of interacting with people.

I'm deeply introverted. I can go unbelievable stretches of time alone, and it takes me hours or days to deprogram from some interactions.

That said, I still don't get uncomfortable when I need to engage with someone.

Grow up, OP.

Well, good for you, but you don't get to tell other people how to feel. It's not unusual to feel uncomfortable engaging with in-laws without the spouse present.

OP, I get it. My in-laws came for a two-day visit while my H was deployed. They were and are lovely and gracious but it was pure torture for me. But they wanted to see their grandson and I obviously had to put aside my own feelings and make it nice for them.

As a fellow introvert, I do find that sometimes the anticipation of the event is worse than the event itself. Hope that is the case for you, OP.

This. Just set up the dinner and make it for tomorrow or the day after so you have less time to stew over it. Think of some anecdotes about your husband and you, be prepared with some questions, and just do it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate when people with social phobias, or just assholes in general, hide behind "being an introvert". Introversion simply means that you don't get your energy from other people. It doesn't mean you get feelings of dread at the thought of interacting with people.

I'm deeply introverted. I can go unbelievable stretches of time alone, and it takes me hours or days to deprogram from some interactions.

That said, I still don't get uncomfortable when I need to engage with someone.

Grow up, OP.

Well, good for you, but you don't get to tell other people how to feel. It's not unusual to feel uncomfortable engaging with in-laws without the spouse present.

OP, I get it. My in-laws came for a two-day visit while my H was deployed. They were and are lovely and gracious but it was pure torture for me. But they wanted to see their grandson and I obviously had to put aside my own feelings and make it nice for them.

As a fellow introvert, I do find that sometimes the anticipation of the event is worse than the event itself. Hope that is the case for you, OP.

No one is telling you how to feel. It's just that when you blame your panic and dread on "introversion", as well as your ability to interact as a grown ass adult, you're being dishonest with yourself and giving all introverts a bad name.

Introversion, per se, does not cause social phobia.

[Anonymous]

Just start in with questions about the family - now was that when you lived on Jackson street? Did Edgar always hate the beach? Ask your husband for some conversation topics. At least one of the IL's is likely to be a talker, just get them started and sit back and enjoy the meal. Everyone loves a good listener!