DH away on work trip, MIL and FIL want to have dinner.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Thanks for the responses. You are right - it is absolutely the right thing to go. I never said I wouldn't go, just that I don't want to.

I honestly wonder sometimes if I'm better off being alone. DH is SO close with his family to the point that it annoys me. I've really really enjoyed the lack of forced participation in his family and have loved my time alone. I can do what I want, when I want and not have to answer to or appease anyone.

I honestly don't know if I'm cut out for marriage.

[Anonymous]

Some people are introverts but still crave relationships, they want people to care for them and they care for other people.They just don't want to be social all the time. Still if those relationships are important, if you care about people, then you have to care for and build those relationships. Don't brush people off and take them for granted, only to wake up and find out you are lonely.

If you really don't care ABOUT people, then I think your issues are much bigger. It's not about being an introvert.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Thanks for the responses. You are right - it is absolutely the right thing to go. I never said I wouldn't go, just that I don't want to.

I honestly wonder sometimes if I'm better off being alone. DH is SO close with his family to the point that it annoys me. I've really really enjoyed the lack of forced participation in his family and have loved my time alone. I can do what I want, when I want and not have to answer to or appease anyone.

I honestly don't know if I'm cut out for marriage.

That is an entirely different issue all together. I say this as someone very close to my family and am glad my husband is close to his as well, but I also see the other side as it drives me nuts when either family expects instant access to the kiddo or think they can take over an entire weekend with their plans. When I was single, I'd spend weeks not really talking to people or going out, and am so so grateful my husband realizes how much I need an hour or so to myself on occasion. So if his closeness annoys you to the point of wanting to be single again, then time for a talk/therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people are introverts but still crave relationships, they want people to care for them and they care for other people.They just don't want to be social all the time. Still if those relationships are important, if you care about people, then you have to care for and build those relationships. Don't brush people off and take them for granted, only to wake up and find out you are lonely.

If you really don't care ABOUT people, then I think your issues are much bigger. It's not about being an introvert.

I care a lot about people. I do want relationships in my life.

I have a lot of deep rooted resentment towards DH and his family. He spent a lot of time with them when we first started dating. He was away at sea for 9 months of the year and when he came home he would go straight to them, for 5-6 days of the week just to hang out all the time and get drunk. At times, he wasn't even in a good space when he came home because he would pass out on the floor.

But he changed. He stopped drinking and started spending significantly less time with his family and more with me. The feeling still remains that I was basically ignored for 2 years.

I'm in therapy for the resentment. My therapist told me to not minimize the alcoholism. But one significant change is that I feel better when he's gone. The resentment doesn't feel as strong. I can do what I want without having to feel like I need to see my ILs once a week.

[Anonymous]

You're right, you sound like a giant asshole. You need to do this one thing for your husband and his family. Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Thanks for the responses. You are right - it is absolutely the right thing to go. I never said I wouldn't go, just that I don't want to.

I honestly wonder sometimes if I'm better off being alone. DH is SO close with his family to the point that it annoys me. I've really really enjoyed the lack of forced participation in his family and have loved my time alone. I can do what I want, when I want and not have to answer to or appease anyone.

I honestly don't know if I'm cut out for marriage.

These are two very different issues. I'm an introvert, I don't always love hanging out with DH"s large family, but I love being married to DH.

You need to figure out if you want to be married sooner rather than later, and don't have kids before you figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Thanks for the responses. You are right - it is absolutely the right thing to go. I never said I wouldn't go, just that I don't want to.

I honestly wonder sometimes if I'm better off being alone. DH is SO close with his family to the point that it annoys me. I've really really enjoyed the lack of forced participation in his family and have loved my time alone. I can do what I want, when I want and not have to answer to or appease anyone.

I honestly don't know if I'm cut out for marriage.

Ah, so you come to the point.

So, talk with DH about *this* not the one off dinner. And just don't go to some events with the ILs that he goes to. He can see them every however often, you can do half that.

Of course, with kids, it gets more complicated, but establish a new normal. It's a fight worth having.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are introverts but still crave relationships, they want people to care for them and they care for other people.They just don't want to be social all the time. Still if those relationships are important, if you care about people, then you have to care for and build those relationships. Don't brush people off and take them for granted, only to wake up and find out you are lonely.

If you really don't care ABOUT people, then I think your issues are much bigger. It's not about being an introvert.

I care a lot about people. I do want relationships in my life.

I have a lot of deep rooted resentment towards DH and his family. He spent a lot of time with them when we first started dating. He was away at sea for 9 months of the year and when he came home he would go straight to them, for 5-6 days of the week just to hang out all the time and get drunk. At times, he wasn't even in a good space when he came home because he would pass out on the floor.

But he changed. He stopped drinking and started spending significantly less time with his family and more with me. The feeling still remains that I was basically ignored for 2 years.

I'm in therapy for the resentment. My therapist told me to not minimize the alcoholism. But one significant change is that I feel better when he's gone. The resentment doesn't feel as strong. I can do what I want without having to feel like I need to see my ILs once a week.

Yikes. You and DH need some therapy about this. No way in heck would I be seeing my ILs weekly with this background--and if you and DH never had therapy ever, you need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are introverts but still crave relationships, they want people to care for them and they care for other people.They just don't want to be social all the time. Still if those relationships are important, if you care about people, then you have to care for and build those relationships. Don't brush people off and take them for granted, only to wake up and find out you are lonely.

If you really don't care ABOUT people, then I think your issues are much bigger. It's not about being an introvert.

I care a lot about people. I do want relationships in my life.

I have a lot of deep rooted resentment towards DH and his family. He spent a lot of time with them when we first started dating. He was away at sea for 9 months of the year and when he came home he would go straight to them, for 5-6 days of the week just to hang out all the time and get drunk. At times, he wasn't even in a good space when he came home because he would pass out on the floor.

But he changed. He stopped drinking and started spending significantly less time with his family and more with me. The feeling still remains that I was basically ignored for 2 years.

I'm in therapy for the resentment. My therapist told me to not minimize the alcoholism. But one significant change is that I feel better when he's gone. The resentment doesn't feel as strong. I can do what I want without having to feel like I need to see my ILs once a week.

Yikes. You and DH need some therapy about this. No way in heck would I be seeing my ILs weekly with this background--and if you and DH never had therapy ever, you need it.

Op here again.

Thank you. The bolded text is why I'm in therapy.

Why would you not see your ILs weekly if you were in my experience? Honestly looking for some fresh perspective.

Personally? I can't see them and develop relationships like one big happy family. They are very co-dependent on eachother. I found out that DH up until recently has been paying for a lot of their bills, and paid for their property taxes last year. The issues just run so, so deep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are introverts but still crave relationships, they want people to care for them and they care for other people.They just don't want to be social all the time. Still if those relationships are important, if you care about people, then you have to care for and build those relationships. Don't brush people off and take them for granted, only to wake up and find out you are lonely.

If you really don't care ABOUT people, then I think your issues are much bigger. It's not about being an introvert.

I care a lot about people. I do want relationships in my life.

I have a lot of deep rooted resentment towards DH and his family. He spent a lot of time with them when we first started dating. He was away at sea for 9 months of the year and when he came home he would go straight to them, for 5-6 days of the week just to hang out all the time and get drunk. At times, he wasn't even in a good space when he came home because he would pass out on the floor.

But he changed. He stopped drinking and started spending significantly less time with his family and more with me. The feeling still remains that I was basically ignored for 2 years.

I'm in therapy for the resentment. My therapist told me to not minimize the alcoholism. But one significant change is that I feel better when he's gone. The resentment doesn't feel as strong. I can do what I want without having to feel like I need to see my ILs once a week.

Yikes. You and DH need some therapy about this. No way in heck would I be seeing my ILs weekly with this background--and if you and DH never had therapy ever, you need it.

Op here again.

Thank you. The bolded text is why I'm in therapy.

Why would you not see your ILs weekly if you were in my experience? Honestly looking for some fresh perspective.

Personally? I can't see them and develop relationships like one big happy family. They are very co-dependent on eachother. I found out that DH up until recently has been paying for a lot of their bills, and paid for their property taxes last year. The issues just run so, so deep.

PP quoted here. I would say that anyone who enabled the drinking is not someone I would want to spend much time around. What you just described to me is even worse. He is not as committed to you as he is to family of origin--the fact he didn't talk with you about paying their bills?

No. It would take major therapy to fix this on his part--you might just get out while you can.

Oh, and fuck dinner with them. Totally unnecessary--this backstory stuff is important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are introverts but still crave relationships, they want people to care for them and they care for other people.They just don't want to be social all the time. Still if those relationships are important, if you care about people, then you have to care for and build those relationships. Don't brush people off and take them for granted, only to wake up and find out you are lonely.

If you really don't care ABOUT people, then I think your issues are much bigger. It's not about being an introvert.

I care a lot about people. I do want relationships in my life.

I have a lot of deep rooted resentment towards DH and his family. He spent a lot of time with them when we first started dating. He was away at sea for 9 months of the year and when he came home he would go straight to them, for 5-6 days of the week just to hang out all the time and get drunk. At times, he wasn't even in a good space when he came home because he would pass out on the floor.

But he changed. He stopped drinking and started spending significantly less time with his family and more with me. The feeling still remains that I was basically ignored for 2 years.

I'm in therapy for the resentment. My therapist told me to not minimize the alcoholism. But one significant change is that I feel better when he's gone. The resentment doesn't feel as strong. I can do what I want without having to feel like I need to see my ILs once a week.

Yikes. You and DH need some therapy about this. No way in heck would I be seeing my ILs weekly with this background--and if you and DH never had therapy ever, you need it.

Op here again.

Thank you. The bolded text is why I'm in therapy.

Why would you not see your ILs weekly if you were in my experience? Honestly looking for some fresh perspective.

Personally? I can't see them and develop relationships like one big happy family. They are very co-dependent on eachother. I found out that DH up until recently has been paying for a lot of their bills, and paid for their property taxes last year. The issues just run so, so deep.

PP quoted here. I would say that anyone who enabled the drinking is not someone I would want to spend much time around. What you just described to me is even worse. He is not as committed to you as he is to family of origin--the fact he didn't talk with you about paying their bills?

No. It would take major therapy to fix this on his part--you might just get out while you can.

Oh, and fuck dinner with them. Totally unnecessary--this backstory stuff is important.

He did tell me, but I had no idea the extent of what he was paying.

The whole idea of it just makes me so uncomfortable and feel like a lesser priority. I think that's why I enjoy being alone, because I can finally feel liberated and make myself a priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are introverts but still crave relationships, they want people to care for them and they care for other people.They just don't want to be social all the time. Still if those relationships are important, if you care about people, then you have to care for and build those relationships. Don't brush people off and take them for granted, only to wake up and find out you are lonely.

If you really don't care ABOUT people, then I think your issues are much bigger. It's not about being an introvert.

I care a lot about people. I do want relationships in my life.

I have a lot of deep rooted resentment towards DH and his family. He spent a lot of time with them when we first started dating. He was away at sea for 9 months of the year and when he came home he would go straight to them, for 5-6 days of the week just to hang out all the time and get drunk. At times, he wasn't even in a good space when he came home because he would pass out on the floor.

But he changed. He stopped drinking and started spending significantly less time with his family and more with me. The feeling still remains that I was basically ignored for 2 years.

I'm in therapy for the resentment. My therapist told me to not minimize the alcoholism. But one significant change is that I feel better when he's gone. The resentment doesn't feel as strong. I can do what I want without having to feel like I need to see my ILs once a week.

Yikes. You and DH need some therapy about this. No way in heck would I be seeing my ILs weekly with this background--and if you and DH never had therapy ever, you need it.

OP, you totally buried the lede in your original post. These issues run deep and both of you need therapy to address the impasse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are introverts but still crave relationships, they want people to care for them and they care for other people.They just don't want to be social all the time. Still if those relationships are important, if you care about people, then you have to care for and build those relationships. Don't brush people off and take them for granted, only to wake up and find out you are lonely.

If you really don't care ABOUT people, then I think your issues are much bigger. It's not about being an introvert.

I care a lot about people. I do want relationships in my life.

I have a lot of deep rooted resentment towards DH and his family. He spent a lot of time with them when we first started dating. He was away at sea for 9 months of the year and when he came home he would go straight to them, for 5-6 days of the week just to hang out all the time and get drunk. At times, he wasn't even in a good space when he came home because he would pass out on the floor.

But he changed. He stopped drinking and started spending significantly less time with his family and more with me. The feeling still remains that I was basically ignored for 2 years.

I'm in therapy for the resentment. My therapist told me to not minimize the alcoholism. But one significant change is that I feel better when he's gone. The resentment doesn't feel as strong. I can do what I want without having to feel like I need to see my ILs once a week.

Yikes. You and DH need some therapy about this. No way in heck would I be seeing my ILs weekly with this background--and if you and DH never had therapy ever, you need it.

OP, you totally buried the lede in your original post. These issues run deep and both of you need therapy to address the impasse.

I'm in therapy for it, and yes, I tend to bury issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't go if you don't want to. You're an adult, and can make decisions for yourself.

This is true but OP needs to grow up and just go to dinner this once. The decision to not go will certainly have negative consequences for her (which she may not care about) but also DH, who would care and whose feelings OP should consider as well.

Why would not going to dinner have negative consequences for her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't go if you don't want to. You're an adult, and can make decisions for yourself.

This is true but OP needs to grow up and just go to dinner this once. The decision to not go will certainly have negative consequences for her (which she may not care about) but also DH, who would care and whose feelings OP should consider as well.

Why would not going to dinner have negative consequences for her?

Sorry, just read the last few posts, and I think the history is important here. It's really not about OP being an introvert. I would limit contact with the ILs if I were in your situation, OP.