Spouse fired for behavior recently caught shoplifting

[Anonymous]

The behavior when he came downstairs for me confirms the personality disorder. It doesn't need to be a manic episode as people are suggesting. He just sounds borderline and narcissistic. He just isn't bothering to cover up any more, though you will have seen this coming for a while.

So is the reason u didn't tell him you know the truth because you aren't sure how to proceed and didnt want to tip him off or is it that you didn't want to hear the lies/get into a fight?

[Anonymous]

OP, please be very careful. When a narcissist is unmasked they can actually become dangerous.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Previous neuropsych exam indicates personality disorder not bipolar. This assessment makes sense to me. Poor insight, surface relationships, defensive, not taking feedback well except maybe from an authority etc. didn't come out and name disorder type.

He indulges children and treats like playmate often so that when I enforce structure and discipline (bedtime, clean up) I look like the bad person. He often ignores me.

Why should I be afraid?

I'm not saying I know despite wanting to shout this at him, because I want to see what else I can learn by observation etc. If I blurt out that I know then he will minimize this problem (like with his work he says he "made a simple mistake" and they fired him) and will clamp down on his secrecy more.

Does anyone have legal counsel they recommend for this type of thing they can recommend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is doing drags.

gross.

I'm op and I simply ignore stupidity. What people post is their own crap. The person who posted this probably has this as a fantasy.

I was thinking it was a typo for drugs- which is a possibility.

Matters. I think poster meant he is doing DRUGS (not men dressed as women). This was my first thought. Especially if money is an issue and he has been out of work. Does he have to account for what he spends? Because he is trying to cover his tracks. And what was he caught stealing? If it was something of value, then my vote says he has a drug habit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry OP.

I don't think you have much choice but to leave. These are some major issues presenting here.

Leaving can be scary as hell no matter the circumstances but one step at a time it is manageable.

Thank you. It's shocking to me. I think spouse been this way and I'm just finding out cause he's caught. I am a moral person who believes integrity is most important. I'm perplexed and repulsed.

OP, do you have a church counselor, priest or rabbi the two of you could go visit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry OP.

I don't think you have much choice but to leave. These are some major issues presenting here.

Leaving can be scary as hell no matter the circumstances but one step at a time it is manageable.

Thank you. It's shocking to me. I think spouse been this way and I'm just finding out cause he's caught. I am a moral person who believes integrity is most important. I'm perplexed and repulsed.

OP, do you have a church counselor, priest or rabbi the two of you could go visit?

. I'm not making excuses. He went to church til one day he had a meltdown and said he didn't believe in God. That if there were a god why would "he" allow x to happen. Have tried couples counseling but he said he always felt he had too much homework to do after. Now there Isnt enough money and that he will go after he finds work, which is bull sxxxx. I'm in therapy but don't feel its helping me strategize. He's been unemployed for six months and we are about out of reserves unless he cashes his retirement which would come w high penalty given his age. I wake up in the morning and pray I've had a nightmare. But it's my life.

[Anonymous]

my sister is bipolar and one of the signs her mania is not being well controlled is a strong urge to shoplife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Previous neuropsych exam indicates personality disorder not bipolar. This assessment makes sense to me. Poor insight, surface relationships, defensive, not taking feedback well except maybe from an authority etc. didn't come out and name disorder type.

He indulges children and treats like playmate often so that when I enforce structure and discipline (bedtime, clean up) I look like the bad person. He often ignores me.

Why should I be afraid?

I'm not saying I know despite wanting to shout this at him, because I want to see what else I can learn by observation etc. If I blurt out that I know then he will minimize this problem (like with his work he says he "made a simple mistake" and they fired him) and will clamp down on his secrecy more.

Does anyone have legal counsel they recommend for this type of thing they can recommend?

OP. One neuropsych exam is not definitive. Was the neuropsych evaluator a PhD? On average it takes a bipolar person about 7 years to get properly diagnosed. If you were not included in the neuropsych evaluation, then I also think it holds very little weight given what PPs above said about the unreliability of self-reporting patients. I would take a copy of the neuropsych report to an MD psychiatrist who is highly experienced in mood disorders and ask for a re-evaluation, which includes an interview with you, and a second opinion about diagnosis. You want to include consideration of bipolar I and bipolar II (the difference being the presence of frank mania v. hypomania).

Nothing you indicate above spells personality disorder over bipolar to me. In fact, what you describe about the inability to provide structure and you being the parent to everyone including him and becoming the bad guy is exactly the dynamic between me and my now exDH who was diagnosed with bipolar.

As for legal counsel, the most important thing is that you get yourself to a family law attorney. That person can explain the mechanics of a divorce, how to protect yourself from additional debt (for which spouses are liable), ramifications of the theft charge (and the family law attorney can either monitor the theft charge or consult with a criminal attorney if necessary), custody and child support or alimony. You need to be careful, because you could actually end up supporting him with alimony if he lost his job.

I understand what you say about monitoring him quietly without letting him know what you know because he will then just lie and cover up. I did the same and was shocked at what I found out. I looked a credit card statements, monitored car mileage, cell phone calls, monitored alcohol and prescription meds, did a thorough search of the house and monitored computer use, computer history records and installed a key logger on the home computer. What I knew initially - what prompted me to start monitoring -- turned out to be just the tip of the iceberg.

That said, it is dangerous for you to be flying blind in the face of a criminal charge, even what seems to be a misdemeanor. It may be to your benefit to step in with an attorney to defend him, as any criminal record may make it more difficult to get a job.

[Anonymous]

He's probably just bored. How is the sex life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's probably just bored. How is the sex life?

Yeh right. Do you shoplift when our bored? Probably huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's probably just bored. How is the sex life?

He got fired and shoplifted because he was bored?

[Anonymous]

I'd file for divorce and tell him why.

Detach from him.

If he needs help, he will have to choose to get it.

Protect yourself and your kids. I know you love him and want to help him...it's probably not possible.

It's possible for him to get help, but you won't be able to force it on him.

I am sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd file for divorce and tell him why.

Detach from him.

If he needs help, he will have to choose to get it.

Protect yourself and your kids. I know you love him and want to help him...it's probably not possible.

It's possible for him to get help, but you won't be able to force it on him.

I am sorry.

Thanks for your condolences! So appreciated. Your advice is sound and pretty much what I need to do.
He had his hearing today (I called), the trial is continued until 8/29 for some reason. I think he's called a therapist and is going to offer up some sad sob story of being unemployed and distraught, never being in trouble with the law before, etc. He will do this until the problem is over and then he'll resume his life as usual behavior (whatever that means today). He did this when he was threatened to be fired. I am working toward becoming more financially independent so that I can support myself. It's gonna take a little while for this to happen. I was hoping to separate this summer. Also can barely stand being near him. I'm not sleeping at night and I'm furious about his outright lies to me and our children.

[Anonymous]

Why haven't you called him out his behavior, OP? I would have a hard time not going completely ballistic about the lying and stealing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Oh my, that's a lot at once. If this is amoral behavior is something new then I would suggest an immediate psychiatric intervention; most health insurance companies have phone numbers that you can call to get some guidance on how to find a psychiatrist, I would start there.

The court thing: if he is a first-time offender then he will likely get off with a small fine or maybe community service but if this isn't his first time then I would get a lawyer stat.
If you no longer have health insurance then perhaps a lawyer could get him into some kind of help or counseling as part of his penalty.

The fact that you're on here asking for advice about things that are so huge makes me think that you don't have a support system and for that I feel bad for you.
Good luck to you.

I'm very sorry OP. You need to take your kids and leave. This, having lived through something very similar, is only the beginning. You need to get your kids to a safe place and start building your new life. It will get better, that I promise you. Do you have family near that can assist?