WHat is the secret to happy relatively peaceful extended families?

[Anonymous]

I think part of the problem is the presumption that every event needs to be a "whole-family" event. People are different one-on-one than they are in a group. As hard as it may be to start, see if you can spend some time with just SIL. Form a relationship directly with her. It really does change the dynamic between two people, which makes the subsequent group events much easier to deal with. Then put less pressure on yourself to conform to her preferences for whole-group activities, and just politely decline and walk away when she insists on something that doesn't work for you. Spend time individually with MIL/FIL too.

But, choose those instances carefully. If you ALWAYS decline and walk away, then you'll be the pain-in-the-ass who can't deal with other people's preferences. Aim for "go along to get along" 75% of the time, and decline and walk away the other 25%.

For that 75%, just ask yourself "is it really worth sacrificing my relationship with DH's family because I want to go for pizza instead of BBQ tonight?". Generally the answer is no. In those cases, just grin and bear it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're pretty much like that. I think key for us is that everyone accepts everyone else and none of us are judgmental. We all go out of our way to help out and no one complains that someone else doesn't do enough. We're all very different - we are multiracial, some straight and some gay, some of us had our kids and some adopted and have foster kids, education ranges from HS dropout to PhD, income range is pretty broad and we have a wide variety of interests. reading DCUM makes me feel really lucky.

x1000

No over competitiveness or jealousy that is acted upon. If you are able to be genuinely happy for each other, it helps.

Yup this. It helps that me and my siblings all get along well. Part of why we get along well is we don't judge each other. We also genuinely enjoy each other's spouses and treat them well too.

My DH's sister talks a big game about how they are "so close" and love each other, but it rarely translates to actually being loving and kind while together. Mostly the spend a lot of time bickering. I haven't bickered with either of my siblings since we were teenagers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The secret is to grow up in a functional family and to marry someone with a similar upbringing.

Good luck! Lol

Yep. My mom always said that she was modeling normalcy for us. I hope to do the same with my children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Acceptance that people won't change, and ceasing to spend energy getting people to change.

So if people won't change, and the present state is not compatible, the only options are misery or minimal contact?

NP. I agree with the first poster. You have to be able to accept and overlook. Just like with bullies, we have found that it isn't the whole group, just one or two people who are loud. So we have made a conscious choice to accept them for who they are and make it clear by our willingness NOT to engage that they need to accept us for who we are.

The only things I/we won't accept or overlook would be physical violence, law-breaking (kids/teens drinking alcohol, narcotics in evidence and being used), sexual abuse or other things along that line. We've even put up with occasional racist comments (we are a bi-racial family) by not engaging and/or walking away from the person/s making the comments.

Basically we have chosen to accept that we cannot change the other person. If others think we are uptight (especially because of the alcohol) then so be it. But usually there are quite a few people at the gathering whom we want to see that makes it all worthwhile.

OP again. So if (in our opinion) the main issue is my DH's sister wanting everything 100% her way 100% of the time, and most of the rest of the family apart from us usually just acquesing, how do we accept that we cannot change SIL while still not wanting to do things her way all the time?

In my family, it's my mom who wants to do things her way much of the time. And yeah, the way we keep the peace is by mostly doing things her way when we are all together = my mom is 74 years old; she's not going to wake up tomorrow and be a whole different person (I hope).

I would say in our case, the reason we can manage it without everyone fighting all the time is a couple of things:

- My brother and I have a constant series of texts to each other about the funny things our mom is doing. So, we have someone to complain to/laugh with.

- We all love each other a lot. Sure, our mom can be demanding, moody, all that stuff - but she's our mom and we love her.

- It's much easier now than when I was a kid. Being young and having to abide my mom's whims - that was really hard. I was a moody, stubborn kid myself; there was a LOT of screaming in the house. Now, I'm an adult, and I have autonomy. Sure, it can be frustrating when the whole family is together and three or five of us want to do one thing and then Mom derails that for one reason or another. But I have a point of comparison.

- At this age, honestly, I just mostly feel grateful that I have a good relationship with my family and that we all want to and do get to spend time together. My brother is more in the weeds with this - he lives closer to my folks so he sees them more, which means he gets more of the ups and downs.

I'm going to see my folks next week for a few days, and I guess you can ask me then if I am still so levelheaded about all this! I might be the one posting frustrated messages in the family relationships section then.

I don't know if this would all hold with an inlaw rather than my own nuclear family, that said. I might have less tolerance if someone I didn't have that same history with changed the family dynamic so much. What does your sibling have to say about it - do you have the sort of relationship where you can have a non-angry but honest conversation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Acceptance that people won't change, and ceasing to spend energy getting people to change.

So if people won't change, and the present state is not compatible, the only options are misery or minimal contact?

NP. I agree with the first poster. You have to be able to accept and overlook. Just like with bullies, we have found that it isn't the whole group, just one or two people who are loud. So we have made a conscious choice to accept them for who they are and make it clear by our willingness NOT to engage that they need to accept us for who we are.

The only things I/we won't accept or overlook would be physical violence, law-breaking (kids/teens drinking alcohol, narcotics in evidence and being used), sexual abuse or other things along that line. We've even put up with occasional racist comments (we are a bi-racial family) by not engaging and/or walking away from the person/s making the comments.

Basically we have chosen to accept that we cannot change the other person. If others think we are uptight (especially because of the alcohol) then so be it. But usually there are quite a few people at the gathering whom we want to see that makes it all worthwhile.

OP again. So if (in our opinion) the main issue is my DH's sister wanting everything 100% her way 100% of the time, and most of the rest of the family apart from us usually just acquesing, how do we accept that we cannot change SIL while still not wanting to do things her way all the time?

Pick your battles, and then don't actually make them battles. Just calmly state what you are going to do and do it. Refuse to engage in the drama. If your SIL has planned that you're all going to go deep-sea fishing and that will be miserable for your 4 year old, you just say "Thanks for inviting us, but we are going to skip deep-sea fishing today. We'll see you guys when you get back." If she freaks out, you say "Sorry, it just doesn't work for us. We'll look forward to seeing you later."

But, if she needs to get her way and it's something you can work with, even if it's not ideal (like the restaurant is too loud, or whatever) I would try to roll with it.

Also, be realistic with yourself about how much time you can spend with this person without becoming miserable, and then stick with that amount of time.

[Anonymous]

Living at long distances and seeing each other rarely.

[Anonymous]

Just being a nice person and being flexible. I see so many posts here about "MY boundaries" and "MY feelings" and "MY schedule"...it seems like everyone is keeping score but no one is actually winning.

Respect your parents. They've been around longer, they've raised you. They've kinda earned their right to be a little set in their ways. Is it really a bad lesson that we teach our kids that we do XYZ at Grandma's house simply because it's Grandma's house? No. It's respect for your elders. Presumably you will earn the same one day.

So your sister in law is self absorbed, laugh and let it go. If accommodating her or some other relative doesn't require much stress why not just do it? Why do these things have to be, "because MY family doesn't do this all the time" or whatever. Just go with it. You can be flexible about the small stuff yet not be a doormat.

I just see a lot of selfishness. Just because your in laws might do selfish things doesn't mean you have to do it back or keep score. Just be kind.

[Anonymous]

It used to be a bit tense with my ILs (20 in total) a decade ago. Definitely passive aggressive, judging, etc.

But as we all got older, and our kids got older and a few people had health scares/issues, we all mellowed out and realize we're all doing the best we can and live very different lives, and that's ok

I now look forward to seeing everyone a couple times a year, because time is going so fast, and I like watching the kids grow up, and love having whatever time we can with the grandparents.

We've learned to appreciate/understand or at least peacefully tolerate each other's differences

[Anonymous]

Luck has something to do with it, and also boundaries. Everyone respecting others' boundaries.

[Anonymous]

literally everyone has to live and let live to some extent. my family has issues and dysfunctions but we LOVE to get together. my inlaws are nutty, and I really get along with them as long as we don't do so too often or for too long. (my DH would prefer even less, fwiw.)

most family drama is relatively easily contained. and one person who wants EVERYTHING their way cannot really throw a wrench in otherwise good dynamics, because they are told to chill out or "No, we'll do it your way today but my way tomorrow." or just "no." my sister freaks out when anyone brings food with transfats to the beachhouse in the summer. "sure larla, whatever, you don't have to eat it." conversation over.

my dad wants to explain at length his vote for gary Johnson at every opportunity. I have engaged in the past but I've had enough. so, I don't respond. if it becomes a conversation, I come up with something else to do.

now, if dad got drunk and took the kids for a drive or something, that's another matter. but shit like that just doesn't happen at our family gatherings.