WHat is the secret to happy relatively peaceful extended families?

[Anonymous]

10:07 here. We have MH issues and some drug use/abuse (though not around kids). It's unfortunate, But it shows that you don't have to be totally healthy - is dysfunctional families can make it work too.

But OP, you don't seem to have the wherewithal to make it work. In our family, we accept a lot of the having to do exactly what one person wants. We will often add things to the plans and take multiple vehicles. And during outings, we switch around cars a lot so that people can participate in deviations as they choose. But if it really matters to someone, we all do it and we don't complain. It doesn't sound possible for you so maybe you don't care enough about being that type of family.

[Anonymous]

A happily married "grandparent generation" followed by a happily married "parent generation" on both sides = a good chance at a happy extended family.

Divorces, remarriages, blended families? An extended family can absorb some of that and still function well. Too much of it is too much.

Happy families start and end with happy marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're pretty much like that. I think key for us is that everyone accepts everyone else and none of us are judgmental. We all go out of our way to help out and no one complains that someone else doesn't do enough. We're all very different - we are multiracial, some straight and some gay, some of us had our kids and some adopted and have foster kids, education ranges from HS dropout to PhD, income range is pretty broad and we have a wide variety of interests. reading DCUM makes me feel really lucky.

x1000

No over competitiveness or jealousy that is acted upon. If you are able to be genuinely happy for each other, it helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:07 here. We have MH issues and some drug use/abuse (though not around kids). It's unfortunate, But it shows that you don't have to be totally healthy - is dysfunctional families can make it work too.

But OP, you don't seem to have the wherewithal to make it work. In our family, we accept a lot of the having to do exactly what one person wants. We will often add things to the plans and take multiple vehicles. And during outings, we switch around cars a lot so that people can participate in deviations as they choose. But if it really matters to someone, we all do it and we don't complain. It doesn't sound possible for you so maybe you don't care enough about being that type of family.

OP here. If SIL could meet me halfway, maybe. But if being a subject in her Queendom is the only path to an extended happy family, then you are correct, I don't have it in me.

[Anonymous]

Op - your post, your observation re: these "other" families makes me think you are out of touch with reality. You don't want close. This is family. This is for the long-haul.

Strive for feeling comfortable but with boundaries. These are not your friends. Family is entirely different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10:07 here. We have MH issues and some drug use/abuse (though not around kids). It's unfortunate, But it shows that you don't have to be totally healthy - is dysfunctional families can make it work too.

But OP, you don't seem to have the wherewithal to make it work. In our family, we accept a lot of the having to do exactly what one person wants. We will often add things to the plans and take multiple vehicles. And during outings, we switch around cars a lot so that people can participate in deviations as they choose. But if it really matters to someone, we all do it and we don't complain. It doesn't sound possible for you so maybe you don't care enough about being that type of family.

OP here. If SIL could meet me halfway, maybe. But if being a subject in her Queendom is the only path to an extended happy family, then you are correct, I don't have it in me.

Op you aren't getting it. You don't need to meet halfway. For those things where you can agree you separate. Really

As the post about kale and cabbage. It is perfect. If you can't see anything in the advice you have received here you either need to be more specific about your issues and why they are different than what has been discussed or you are a major part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

Booze

and Luck.

But mostly Booze.

[Anonymous]

I think it is important, on both sides, that the parents loved each other, their siblings and parents. When the family core is strong, it can withstand a lot of adversity, and life is full of adversity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Acceptance that people won't change, and ceasing to spend energy getting people to change.

plus sense of humor.

We have good boundaries with our family but it is really hard. We spend a week every year with the family and we just keep our controversial opinions to our selves and appreciate our kids being exposed to different way of looking at the world. I do adore my in laws, but we are just sooo different. inlays want more time with us, but we are good with the one week.

Def don't be passive aggressive and don't take may thing personally. Try to read The Corrections. That book captures this better than any other I've ever read.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PPs who said to grow up in a functional family. I had the luck to have that and chosen someone who grew up similarly.

That said, there are a handful of difficult people in my family. My parents, who are social geniuses, have gone out of their way to include those people, invite them, meet them where they are, warts and all, and find what's good in them. They simply ignore bad comments.

So I think that's what it takes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A happily married "grandparent generation" followed by a happily married "parent generation" on both sides = a good chance at a happy extended family.

Divorces, remarriages, blended families? An extended family can absorb some of that and still function well. Too much of it is too much.

Happy families start and end with happy marriages.

That is part of it--I would argue that more important is recognizing and treating mental illness. Untreated mental illness is tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The secret is to grow up in a functional family and to marry someone with a similar upbringing.

Good luck! Lol

This. If there is an expectation of civility within the family then this is easy. On the other hand if people watch FOX tv...

Or MSNBC---hate when people go on about politics

[Anonymous]

Booze helps, but what really helps in my family is no one gets offended if you don't want to do what they want to do. We usually only get together for short periods of time (holidays or vacation) due to locations. For example, if someone wants a 6am wake up to go for a run, anyone who wants to go does so and anyone who wants to sleep till noon does so. And no one takes any of it personally. All bets are off on minor kids not wanting to do something though. Oh, and as to pitching in, making/bringing, cleaning up...............we all know our strengths and weaknesses. Which goes to the early posts of accepting folks for who they are and not trying to change them.

Partner's family is a whole 'nother thing. Passive aggressive all day long, and won't talk to you for months if they think you looked at them funny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Booze helps, but what really helps in my family is no one gets offended if you don't want to do what they want to do. We usually only get together for short periods of time (holidays or vacation) due to locations. For example, if someone wants a 6am wake up to go for a run, anyone who wants to go does so and anyone who wants to sleep till noon does so. And no one takes any of it personally. All bets are off on minor kids not wanting to do something though. Oh, and as to pitching in, making/bringing, cleaning up...............we all know our strengths and weaknesses. Which goes to the early posts of accepting folks for who they are and not trying to change them.

Partner's family is a whole 'nother thing. Passive aggressive all day long, and won't talk to you for months if they think you looked at them funny.

Yes to this, but to the bold for sure.

My mother set this tone for our family, and I hope I can continue it when my own little kids are grown. She spends lots of time figuring out what makes her kids-in-law happy. So her two son in laws and one daughter in law are her priority. She knows if those three people feel valued, cared for and happy about family time, EVERYTHING else is easier. My Dh can do no wrong with her. She'd choose his side over mine most of the time haha. If my brother's wife wants to spend a day of our family vacation being alone and shopping, my mother supports that and encourages her to get away. If my DH wants to golf one day, my mom offers to help with the kids while he's out. If my sister's DH likes a certain beer, my mother makes sure to buy it for him when she goes to the store. And she doesn't expect to be thanked for this, she does it because she knows keeping ALL members of the family happy is the best way to have a good time.

Honestly, it's so drastically different from how my inlaws operate it's insane. My inlaws there is a lot of bickering and jostling for martyrdom. It's just exhausting. I spend a good portion of time walking on eggshells with them, so time together it's relaxing, it's taxing. Which makes me want to do it less. Which fuels the cycle of "she prefers her family to ours". Well yeah, no shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Acceptance that people won't change, and ceasing to spend energy getting people to change.

This is your answer.

I have come to this conclusion about my extended family. However, I want zero part of their drama and poor choices. I would not be exited to see them, and in fact avoid them at all costs.